TW: racism/social injustice
Currently on Day 2
yes, once again
I had to restart my counter because *drum roll please*
I took cough syrup! and my perfectionism is crippling.
So I left home again, thought I could handle being around my racist, "I'm black so I own the colored experience", inconsiderate, hateful roommate. (I'm mixed race, same amount of Western African/Yoruba and Eastern European/Traveler ((politically correct way to refer to "gypsy" cultures)), and she's called me a "typical white woman" before- discrediting my experience as a person of color, as well as being inconsiderate to my very lovely other roommate who *is* white, and on a separate occasion, has called HER a "white feminist" and a "c*nt" in the SAME SENTENCE like. You're going to question someone else's commitment to sexual equity while calling her a "c*nt" and a "bitch"? Okay hypocrite. She's really awful ) She declared she was talking with our landlord to discuss her moving out early. This was later found to be false, and here we are, FOUR MONTHS LATER, still dealing with her bullshit. I was back ONE DAY before leaving again lol because I don't trust that I can keep my cool enough not to stoop to her level and start throwing all her shit in a bag. It's really frustrating and causes an absurd amount of anxiety to be around that kind of bullshit. And it's extremely disappointing to see a self-proclaimed "proud" black woman carry herself in such a disgraceful and ignorant manner. SO I'm waiting it out at a friends house until she leaves.
she is leaving at the end of this month, so I will be back home with my scale and able to post weigh-ins then.
IN the meantime, I am trying to keep my cool at a friends house, *whomst* very much enjoys food and constantly tempts me D: but it's okay because I'm strong.
I'm at hour 39! And trying to give my fast more spiritual anchors (i.e. praying for the highest good of all and for my own strength, and viewing my fasting as a spiritual duty). I'm not religious, but I am deeply spiritual.
I've been exercising and having one cup of coffee a day! I really NEED to keep this up. I WANT to. I CAN. Coffee helps. In a way, this quarantine is very advantageous. I mean, well, yes it is generally depressing and seriously fucking scary to think about, but I'm doing my best to keep my mind focused on my goals and the time to myself that I have been gifted. I'm certain a lot of other people here feel the same. I think what I needed was a bit of general quiet, so I don't feel like I'm wasting my life isolating and doing this. This is just the current state of things, so it's finally okay to stay home and focus on myself without fear of missing out.
Sorry this isn't the perfect thread where I can get all 55 days in one go and document it every day perfectly, in a neat, color coded manner, like I've seen in other threads, but I am making progress and becoming stronger every attempt I make, and I'm not going to give up until I reach my goal. Every failure teaches me a way to get around roadblocks and helps further my progress! I now know how to catch my thoughts before I fail and redirect my focus to get through the rough patches. I so, so got this.
Some thoughts that have kept me on track so far:
"All the food I am craving, I have eaten before. It is the fat on my body." <-- sometimes I get like, a "whiff" or scent of food that isn't there, so I like to imagine my body is currently burning the fat gained from that food the last time I ate it lol
"I am not only doing this to look good, I am duty bound to sacrifice this food as a show of appreciation, dedication and to be closer to Spirit" <-- that's a new one, but like I said, it has helped to anchor my fast as a duty to the divine.
"[Alex], my friend in the military is getting CUT AS FUCK while I was out here snacking my troubles away... I want to show them something I'm proud of when they return" <-- especially because this friend, while being very supportive with words of "you look beautiful either way" and "damn u a snacc" lol, has also told me "it just takes follow through" and has been very encouraging of my endeavors after I told them what I was up to! can't quit now, I have to show off my self control!
"you can eat that at the end of this" <-- the food I'm momentarily craving will still exist!
"It's all mental, your body is 46% food" <-- it is true... which is why I know I am safe in this, I would not attempt this if I didn't have actual fat to fuel my brain and body.
"I love myself! I'm so proud of my progress! The hardest part was starting, and I did it, and now I've come so far, there's no way I'm giving up until I reach the end!" <-- self explanatory! Love yourself!
Wish me luck! I'll try to check in tomorrow, but my friend will be home from work and I'm not keen on them knowing how deep my behavior runs (as far as he knows, I'm doing it for cell repair WHICH I AM, but aha... not only that *ED brain chuckling in the distance*), so I might not be able to log on until Monday. We shall see.... Thank you for staying with me so far :-)
Song of the Day:
Hey Friend by Jeff the Brotherhood
Cherry Blossom - Moors Remix by ALA.NI feat Moors