I was on an app and I won't go into detail but needless to say I ran into someone that said universally uncomfortable things to me that to be honest I'm not entirely sure I am even allowed to say on here.
And dating outside of an app? Even worse because my emotional baggage apparently is written all over my face like a sign that says "broken, 0 stars, would not recommend."
The whole process is triggering and I've once again come to the conclusion that I just don't want to be with anyone monogamously right now. OR even at all. Now granted, this was during quarantine but I don't know what possessed me to think that maybe somehow that would mean that suddenly everyone was on the same page.
Everyone else is finally living the life of a chronic illness patient with extreme anxiety basically, so I thought--hey--the playing field is finally leveled in my favor. This doesn't have to be a disadvantage.
WHAT A FOOL I WAS.
It wasn't even that everything was inappropriate or sexualized. It was that despite everything, I was STILL the girl with the chronic illness and the eating disorder who's behind in life and just now going to college because she spent 7 years trying to be able to walk in a straight line again. I'm still the girl that can't drive. I'm still the girl with clinical OCD. I'm still the girl that says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, has the wrong shaped face or the wrong color eyes, whatever.
It doesn't matter what weight I am, whether I'm wearing makeup or not, what color my hair is.
I'm never going to be...that person..the perfect person that is exactly what someone else wants and that someone being exactly what I want. Things are never going to add up like that for me. And man am I tired of trying.
And if that's not the saddest fucking thing sometimes in my little lonely corner of the world, I don't know what is. I don't know what makes me sadder, the fact that I actually like to be alone, or the fact that I hate being lonely at the same time.
Anyway I guess this was more of a rant but it's rooted in my age a little..
Thanks for listening.