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A Poem on Anorexia


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#1 To Become A Feather

To Become A Feather

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Posted 05 July 2020 - 12:20 AM

Skin, bones

A barrier of flesh and nothing in between

As freezing fingers dance along the lines of my body

It intoxicates me

This is a cursed game I play, wondering how long it will take

Until my body wastes away

Ash

Nothing more than a name in a crematorium.

 

If I am lucky, my family will turn my ashes to a tree

Finally allowing myself to grow because I feel like I stopped growing when I was thirteen

When going outside started to feel like too much to handle

And my love handles disappeared

Just like two of my daily meals

 

I’m sorry.

To my mother, for throwing away the food that she packed me for lunch.

I know it was made with care,

But I don’t care for myself very much

 

I’m sorry.

To the people in the world who don’t chose to starve.

I know this must be a spit in your face

Privileged girl gives life up by rejecting the thing you may pray for

 

I’m sorry.

To the friends which have watched me waste away

Rubbing my back and counting my vertebrae

Because while I am intoxicated by them, I know you are scared

That one day I may shrink away completely

 

A heart arrythmia,

Low blood pressure, low pulse

My body eats away at itself each day I decide that I don’t need nutrients

Because living is for people who are worthy of love

And how could I be, when everyone I love seems to leave in some violent rage

 

Perhaps I’ll be loveable when I am a BMI 15

And the gap between my legs is enough to fit a fist through

And I can wrap the fingers on one hand around my thigh

And the image in the mirror doesn’t make me want to die.

 

Or maybe it will be when I fall down the stairs

Following the steps of my mother but instead of an accident,

It will be a poorly timed unconscious retreat

Just like waking up in that elevator or on the floor

Or my bathroom tile because the razor wanted more

 

So yes, I drink up the feeling of thin

Control surging through my every limb

But do not think I am not sorry for my downfall

I am just too addicted to the buzz


  • Arraabeylla and miaowkitty like this

Remember to listen to your body. Take care of yourselves <3

Perfection



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