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Turning 50/dying

Old death dying

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#1 wonderexic

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Posted 13 July 2020 - 03:36 PM

Hi everyone, I'm turning 50 in September and suddenly obsessed with death. About 3/4 of my life is over and I still have things I want to do (but can't afford, like travelling the world.) I just can't stop thinking I don't have much time left. Has anyone else experienced this?
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Wonderexic

If I eat anything I will eat everything. So I eat nothing.

#2 *~pixie angelheart~*

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Posted 13 July 2020 - 08:47 PM

Hi everyone, I'm turning 50 in September and suddenly obsessed with death. About 3/4 of my life is over and I still have things I want to do (but can't afford, like travelling the world.) I just can't stop thinking I don't have much time left. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

I have had somewhat similar thoughts for many years now. I have a hard time imagining any sort of future for myself. It's like it's a big black hole, and for a long time, it's made me feel like maybe I'm not supposed to live that much longer. For me, it has less to do with my health, per se, and more to do with having had to live through a mentally and emotionally abusive situation and simply being in survival mode for so long. Even though I'm finally out of that situation, I still can't seem to get out of that survival mode.  :(  That's what I'm supposed to be working on in therapy at the moment. That is, when I feel up to going to therapy...  :unsure: 


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5'5"

  Current BMI: "Normal" (i.e., FAT!)

 

Usual ED Diagnosis: 

AN (restricting type)

 

 

Lowest Adult Weight: 87 lbs (BMI 14.5)

HW: 165 lbs (pregnancy)

GW: 90 lbs (BMI 15)

 

~accountability~

https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4037131-angelhearts-hope-refusing-to-give-up-pics//

 

~pics~

https://www.myproana.com/index.php/gallery/album/5861-pics-of-me/


#3 Ethel-Ether

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Posted 14 July 2020 - 06:53 AM

Just want to comment and say I understand.  40 y/o, here. The older I get, the faster time goes by.

I do hope you get to do some of the things you're thinking of.  Travel is kind of out right now, but I tell myself it's more time to try and save up for it. :)


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5'4, CW 162, LW 110, 40 y/o - HW 163 162 161 160159 158 157156 155 154 153 152 151 150 149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140 139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130 129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120 119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 UGW 110 - - - So many pounds above.


#4 Growerofweeds

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Posted 19 July 2020 - 09:16 AM

I understand totally. However, I am trying to be at complete peace if I die today. I haven't done a lot of the things I have wanted to in this life due to poverty, chronic migraines, and bipolar pulling the rug out from under me.
I know how much I've messed my body up (and continue to) from anorexia. It sometimes feels like hey I've lived this long, that's pretty good! I've raised 2 beautiful thoughtful boys. Now all there is is pain. So dying feels ok.
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recovery hell


#5 *~pixie angelheart~*

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Posted 19 July 2020 - 12:38 PM

I understand totally. However, I am trying to be at complete peace if I die today. I haven't done a lot of the things I have wanted to in this life due to poverty, chronic migraines, and bipolar pulling the rug out from under me.
I know how much I've messed my body up (and continue to) from anorexia. It sometimes feels like hey I've lived this long, that's pretty good! I've raised 2 beautiful thoughtful boys. Now all there is is pain. So dying feels ok.

 

I, too, sometimes feel like maybe I've already done all that I was meant to do here, simply because I've raised two amazing sons (now 27 and 19), who I know will go on to make this world a better place. They already have. Deep down, however, I feel like there is something else I'm supposed to do and that maybe that's why I'm still alive, despite everything. I just wish I knew what it was, and I wish I could get myself out of this deep, dark place that I'm in so that I could, once again, be a productive citizen of this planet, but right now, that seems completely hopeless. Right now, I just feel like I'm a total waste of space and resources...  :( 


  • littlelightweight likes this

5'5"

  Current BMI: "Normal" (i.e., FAT!)

 

Usual ED Diagnosis: 

AN (restricting type)

 

 

Lowest Adult Weight: 87 lbs (BMI 14.5)

HW: 165 lbs (pregnancy)

GW: 90 lbs (BMI 15)

 

~accountability~

https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4037131-angelhearts-hope-refusing-to-give-up-pics//

 

~pics~

https://www.myproana.com/index.php/gallery/album/5861-pics-of-me/


#6 wonderexic

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Posted 20 July 2020 - 04:26 PM

I, too, sometimes feel like maybe I've already done all that I was meant to do here, simply because I've raised two amazing sons (now 27 and 19), who I know will go on to make this world a better place. They already have. Deep down, however, I feel like there is something else I'm supposed to do and that maybe that's why I'm still alive, despite everything. I just wish I knew what it was, and I wish I could get myself out of this deep, dark place that I'm in so that I could, once again, be a productive citizen of this planet, but right now, that seems completely hopeless. Right now, I just feel like I'm a total waste of space and resources... :(



Maybe you should try meditating? I've been meaning to get around to adding it in to my daily routine for 10 years now.
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Wonderexic

If I eat anything I will eat everything. So I eat nothing.

#7 wonderexic

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Posted 20 July 2020 - 04:33 PM

I just keep wondering how much time I have left & I don't want to look old or act old or feel old. And how old will my son be when I die? Will he be ok? Will he be an adult? IDK...
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Wonderexic

If I eat anything I will eat everything. So I eat nothing.

#8 Thinista1

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Posted 27 July 2020 - 07:17 PM

Yes. I’m only in my early 40s, but sometimes I find myself on the verge of weeping because there are so many things I still want to do with my life and I feel like time is running out. I also start to get angry at myself for wasting so much of my life worrying about my weight and/or thinking about food and what I shouldn’t eat. It’s exhausting; yet, I can’t seem to stop even though experience has shown me that the allure of being thin or finally reaching that goal wait is far better than the reality. On the outside I look like a successful, high-functioning and even healthy wife and mom, but I have these inner demons that won’t ever shut up. As I’ve gotten older, I fear I’ll never really be happy or pursue more meaningful things (than an ideal number on the scale). Yet, I can’t seem to let go of my desire to be thin. Middle age has definitely been challenging. I fear I don’t have as many tomorrows. I hate it when I don’t take care of my body by not eating enough or purging. Yet, I can’t seem to let it go either. I vacillate between wanting to live a life unencumbered by thoughts of my weight and/or food and still desperately wanting to be thin so life can finally start happening. I’ve been struggling since I was 9. That was the first time I felt fat. Later I suffered from anorexia and then bulimia. Even when I’ve been mostly recovered and not engaged in unhealthy behaviors (I so badly want to raise healthy children and to be a good role model for them bc I love them so much) my ED is still lurking in the shadows and a horrible life thief. Meanwhile, I’m just growing older and inching closer to death. It’s so depressing. Sorry for the rambling... it’s cathartic to put my feelings down and to know I’m not alone.
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#9 Thinista1

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Posted 27 July 2020 - 07:23 PM

Duh! Goal weight I obviously meant, not goal wait. 🤦🏼‍♀️

#10 wonderexic

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Posted 28 July 2020 - 09:37 PM

I can relate.. Only I'm turning 50 in September. PM me, I have so much to say, it sounds me & you are in the same boat.
Wonderexic

If I eat anything I will eat everything. So I eat nothing.

#11 wonderexic

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Posted 28 July 2020 - 09:49 PM

Yes. I’m only in my early 40s, but sometimes I find myself on the verge of weeping because there are so many things I still want to do with my life and I feel like time is running out. I also start to get angry at myself for wasting so much of my life worrying about my weight and/or thinking about food and what I shouldn’t eat. It’s exhausting; yet, I can’t seem to stop even though experience has shown me that the allure of being thin or finally reaching that goal wait is far better than the reality. On the outside I look like a successful, high-functioning and even healthy wife and mom, but I have these inner demons that won’t ever shut up. As I’ve gotten older, I fear I’ll never really be happy or pursue more meaningful things (than an ideal number on the scale). Yet, I can’t seem to let go of my desire to be thin. Middle age has definitely been challenging. I fear I don’t have as many tomorrows. I hate it when I don’t take care of my body by not eating enough or purging. Yet, I can’t seem to let it go either. I vacillate between wanting to live a life unencumbered by thoughts of my weight and/or food and still desperately wanting to be thin so life can finally start happening. I’ve been struggling since I was 9. That was the first time I felt fat. Later I suffered from anorexia and then bulimia. Even when I’ve been mostly recovered and not engaged in unhealthy behaviors (I so badly want to raise healthy children and to be a good role model for them bc I love them so much) my ED is still lurking in the shadows and a horrible life thief. Meanwhile, I’m just growing older and inching closer to death. It’s so depressing. Sorry for the rambling... it’s cathartic to put my feelings down and to know I’m not alone.



I can relate.. Only I'm turning 50 in September. PM me, I have so much to say, it sounds me & you are in the same boat.
Wonderexic

If I eat anything I will eat everything. So I eat nothing.

#12 Hungryghostbabe

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Posted 29 July 2020 - 05:52 AM

Dr Elizabeth Lambaer on youtube has amazing energy levels at 60. She honestly has made the thought of growing up less daunting to me. I know I'm only 21 but honestly her outlook on life, her habits, and her energy is something everyone can practice at any age. Please check her videos out, she's so inspiring.

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#13 Mindful Lady

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Posted 26 August 2020 - 01:00 PM

Hi everyone, I'm turning 50 in September and suddenly obsessed with death. About 3/4 of my life is over and I still have things I want to do (but can't afford, like travelling the world.) I just can't stop thinking I don't have much time left. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

100%, after the death of a a parent three years ago


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#14 Mrs rabbit41

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Posted 30 August 2020 - 02:43 PM

100%, after the death of a a parent three years ago


I’m so sorry that has happened to you so recently. Losing a parent is awful. I lost my mom in 2016 and it broke my heart. I honestly thought I’d never get over it. It does get better, hang in there. ❤️
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#15 Mindful Lady

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Posted 30 August 2020 - 03:16 PM

I’m so sorry that has happened to you so recently. Losing a parent is awful. I lost my mom in 2016 and it broke my heart. I honestly thought I’d never get over it. It does get better, hang in there. ❤️

 

I'm sorry about your loss Mrs rabbit41. Losing a parent truly is awful, nothing prepares you for it.

Thank you for the warm, comforting words and for the lovely hearth emoji :-)

 

I'm not sure I'll ever get over it, it's much worse now than at the time of his death. The guilt is devastating and I think about all the things that I should or shouldn't have done or said constantly. It's driving me insane.


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#16 shannie

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Posted 01 September 2020 - 01:57 PM

Hugs sweetie xo
Ht. 5'3"
CW 79
BMI 14

LW 78
GW ???

#17 toxic-candy

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Posted 21 September 2020 - 05:00 PM

Wow. I relate to all of you who posted. I get mad at myself too for wasting my life being depressed and then because of life circumstances have been suffering from a stupid ED for YEARS! Ive started getting weird heart palpitations. I'm on cholesterol medication. I drink too much....and then recently the left side of my face started drooping and I felt soooo dizzy, but I suffer from panic attacks. So I actually said to myself "I'll die later. I just need to take a xanax and go to my chiropractor appointment. AND if I still feel like shit, then I'll go to the ER"..... thankfully, my gamble turned out in my favor. My chiropractor said my neck was out and pushing on a nerve that caused facial paralysis. So as soon as he adjusted me, my face stopped drooping. But once I told my husband and my brother what happened, they were horrified I didn't go to the ER. I'm off on a tangent,,,,,but I feel like I'm always thinking about who's gonna die first, me or the hubs....but I'm pretty sure its gonna be me because I can't stop my ED, drinking, and pill popping. I'm just so terrible to my body and I dont want to die but I cant stop. It makes me really sad....I wish I had a crystal ball to see my future cuz maybe it would get me scared straight and I'd stop my behaviors.....

#18 awNothing

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Posted 02 October 2020 - 08:17 PM

I've had an obsession with the finality of this life since I turned 25. I turned fifty this year.  I do relate.  I have periods of hopelessness about it.  But I remind myself to be in the present.  Each moment is what makes life work for me.  What can I do right now.  Not, what can I do with the rest of my life.  Just right now.  Focusing on the rest of my life just brings the focus back to limitations.  And regret solves nothing.  

 

I just keep 

coming back

to

now.



#19 Gizzygirl14

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Posted 04 November 2020 - 12:17 AM

Love, love this topic. This has been so much on my mind.
You are what you eat.....so what's eating you?

Height: 5ft 2in.
HW: 133 -not counting any pregnancy weights
CW: 125, 120
LW: 83
GW1: 115
GW2: 105
GW3: 100
UGW: ????



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