I found a passage I wrote down two years (age 23) ago when I was quite deeply into my ED, and just kind of forgot about it. I felt lonely at the time, but my head was also very clear and just reading this... Idk, it hit home.
I'm in a bit of a different place now, but I feel this passage explains so much about why we cling onto our behavior and how EDs are used as a coping mechanisk in different ways for different people. For me, my disordered eating started really when I was already in my 20s, and I now understand that it might have been (or still is) a way of coping with adulthood and issues from my past that I never got to process.
I guess I just want to know if anyone else in my age group (or older) is able to identify with this feeling.
"I feel that there's some point in our lives in which we force ourselves to grow up - even if we feel we haven't dealt with our problems yet. Teenagers seem to get a free pass for feeling unstable or having problems, and letting it affect hem. At some point, we tell ourselves to suck it up, because we're grown ups. And that just leaves us with undealt trauma. It has numbed me. Made me skeptical and harsh to myself. I seem to always be living in the past. I think of stuff that should long be irrelevant on a daily basis. Why can't I let go and just be happy?"
"I feel like I haven't been functioning at 100% ever since I was 14. 15 seems to be when all the trouble started. I just can't seem to understand why I'm clinging onto the past. Maybe it's because I feel I lack definition of who I am right now. I feel like life has nothing good in store for me and like I'm just kind of sitting out the ride, waiting for the occasional good to happen. I want to bring back the fun in my life. I don't know what's happening to me anymore."
I'm just sad, because my life hasn't really improved other than having found peace with the idea that I'm not special, nothing special will happen to me in life, and I'm just here. And that's alright, but nothing more.