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I found a passage I wrote when I was in deep and it hit home

personal diary depression existence happiness

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#1 Daxia

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Posted 31 July 2020 - 04:06 AM

I found a passage I wrote down two years (age 23) ago when I was quite deeply into my ED, and just kind of forgot about it. I felt lonely at the time, but my head was also very clear and just reading this... Idk, it hit home.

 

I'm in a bit of a different place now, but I feel this passage explains so much about why we cling onto our behavior and how EDs are used as a coping mechanisk in different ways for different people. For me, my disordered eating started really when I was already in my 20s, and I now understand that it might have been (or still is) a way of coping with adulthood and issues from my past that I never got to process.

 

I guess I just want to know if anyone else in my age group (or older) is able to identify with this feeling.

 

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"I feel that there's some point in our lives in which we force ourselves to grow up - even if we feel we haven't dealt with our problems yet. Teenagers seem to get a free pass for feeling unstable or having problems, and letting it affect hem. At some point, we tell ourselves to suck it up, because we're grown ups. And that just leaves us with undealt trauma. It has numbed me. Made me skeptical and harsh to myself. I seem to always be living in the past. I think of stuff that should long be irrelevant on a daily basis. Why can't I let go and just be happy?"

 

"I feel like I haven't been functioning at 100% ever since I was 14. 15 seems to be when all the trouble started. I just can't seem to understand why I'm clinging onto the past. Maybe it's because I feel I lack definition of who I am right now. I feel like life has nothing good in store for me and like I'm just kind of sitting out the ride, waiting for the occasional good to happen. I want to bring back the fun in my life. I don't know what's happening to me anymore."

 

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I'm just sad, because my life hasn't really improved other than having found peace with the idea that I'm not special, nothing special will happen to me in life, and I'm just here. And that's alright, but nothing more.


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#2 CharM97

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Posted 15 August 2020 - 02:46 AM

Hey, two weeks too late, but I really resonate with what you’re saying. Every now and then life gets a little dark, and when I feel like it’s all over I find written passages just like yours. Diary entries, letters to nobody, a novelisation of my despair - all shrouded in self pity. They’re mad embarrassing, each more so than the last, but my heart kind of aches for this young fragile girl who doesn’t have a clue what to do because nobody’s helping her.

I also developed my eating disorder after hitting my twenties. One day I just hit a wall. I’d been kicked out of uni (twice) and any talent and enjoyment I had as a child were left unnurtured from a long bought of depression. I left my problems at home and ran away for a while, worked abroad, worked in a lot of hotels. But when I came home they were there waiting for me. not only that but at this point I’d been left behind. Everyone found it so easy to do this whole adulting thing. But how? It was a hard pill to swallow. Now I class my life as quite a contented one but I’m still not sure what growing up really means. I swear I’m still 15... Just with thicker skin.

And yes, I feel all of this, for all of us, stems from a repressed past and an avoidant future. I truly believe that had I been taught a healthy alternative to bottling up my grievances, my life would’ve made a better story. But as my mum always says, ‘You’ve got to just get on with it’.

Thanks for sharing your passage. Writing has helped me express so much that I’d never be able to voice in the real world. It’s nice to know others have shared experiences.

#3 SlimFeelings

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Posted 20 September 2020 - 07:26 PM

This is why I often don't read whatever I've written or look at pictures.

It's just too painful. Seeing that I was troubled then, only to still be troubled now.... Where does the peace begin?
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