I used to be so skinny. But I can't do this anymore. I keep saying that tomorrow will be a new day. I just have no self control and no skills for managing stress. When I get stressed or the slightest thing happens, I stuff myself with food. I feel so fat. Why do I always become so greedy when I can't cope? I'm tired of this now. I've had years of this, and it has destroyed my teeth, my face, everything is so puffy and ugly. I can't carry on anymore. I can't do it. I'm tired of wrestling with this disorder. I've read books about it and things have got better sometimes. I don't know. I feel so far away from the girl I used to be. When I feel those emotions, and I start comparing myself to the person I used to be, I realise I'll never get there and I realise how far away I am from that person and I don't know what to do. My body is too far away from the way I want it to be and then I binge. I'm not sure if it's that or a traumatic thing that happened or a mix of the two. I used to have so much self control. I used to be so good at thinking 'would you rather have a nice taste in your mouth for a few seconds or be skinny'...but now...
It's so illogical, I know it is. I know that eating too much is the wrong thing to do, and it will only make me feel worse in the long run, instead of better. It's just so hard to stop in the moment. It's so difficult to shake these bad habits. And in my experience, when I go somewhere new, my illness just follows me or gets worse. I've been struggling with this for years now. I'm not overweight, I'm a healthy weight, but I know I'm doing some serious harm to my body by having days where I eat about 4000 calories.
Has anyone been cured from this illness? What have you done? What has helped? I've read brain over binge and some of the techniques in that helped. I know I need to build my problem solving skills but it's so difficult and practically impossible for me to do something else to distract myself in that moment, when I get the urge to binge really bad.
It all started when I was 17 when something traumatic happened, I think. I've tried speaking to therapists and CBT but nothing has really worked. It's hard to distract myself and do things but I know things like writing, having a bath, painting my nails helps. It's just so frustrating. Any tips would be much appreciated!
Thanks in advance