I needed control
Posted 14 August 2020 - 09:03 PM
I was going insane. I even found myself saying "i need to have control over my body" at points. I felt fat and overwhelmed. I felt as though i was only eating because im a pig and using the baby as an excuse.
My bf has his own mental issues. He barely leaves the house. He doesnt drive. Hes been physically and mentally abusive to me. Im the only one thats ever worked. I make all of the money. We live in a house that his mother left him when she died.
I just finished getting my bachelor's in sociology.
Im afraid if i had it my bf would have his anger moments and i would have to raise the child on my own with him sitting right next to me. Weve been together since 2004 and we both feel the same way about having children. Life is all about death. We all die in the end which means we watch others die as well. What is the point of bringing another life into this world when it is just filled with pain and loss?
However part of me feels as though i was pushed to just give up on trying. I dont want to put the pressures of a baby on my bf because he didnt want the kid to begin with but what about my feelings?
This relationship is built on his feelings and mine seem to be pushed to the curb.
I miss the feeling of having a life inside of me. I feel like a peice of me is missing and i will never get it back and i dont feel as though he understands or even cares to try to understand. I am so conflicted. I feel so much better physically and mentally. I dont feel uncontrollably fat anymore like i did. I still dont have control because of the eating disorder but i have more control than i did when i was pregnant.
I need to starve in order for my pain to be seen and heard.
Sorry needed to vent in a place that wont judge me and maybe someone has experience with these feelings and has some type of reassurance i guess.
Posted 14 August 2020 - 09:47 PM
- JacksApple likes this
Posted 15 August 2020 - 01:22 AM
I hope you feel better soon darling. Does your bf know how you feel about everything? Is he being comforting?
Thank you so much for responding and asking me those questions. It makes me feel as though somebody cares.
He was more anxious about me wanting to keep it. He said he kept getting panic attacks because he was afraid i was going to keep it. He said "im not going to be a parent. Im going to kill myself."
He kept making me feel like i was the crazy one for thinking maybe we could be great parents and bring some joy into this angry world.
He even said i basically raped him and i got what i wanted. I told him i never wanted kids. He knew that from the start. So, no hes not being comforting. Hes just happy i decided on the abortion. He feels relieved. I just cant do this anymore.
I have to lie to my family and coworkers. Im starting a new job on monday and my last day at this job is tomorrow. While he sits on his ass at home.
Im sorry. Thank you so much for responding. I dont have anybody i can talk to that wont judge me for my thoughts.
Posted 15 August 2020 - 02:27 AM
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Posted 16 August 2020 - 10:02 AM
Poor babe. Get far away from that person. I had two kids with someone like that. I don't regret them but I do wish that I could just get him out of my life forever. You do have that option now.
I know it's easy for me to say and harder for you to actually execute but this person seems incredibly toxic to your wellbeing.
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Posted 16 August 2020 - 01:03 PM
i've had two abortions - trust me it does get easier
first one sounds like the same kind of situation - was with a guy who was very unstable (i only knew him for like a month at the time)
second one was when i was selling my body (i was a heroin addict, I actually got clean and was going to keep the baby, but then decided against it)
i can't honestly comment on your relationship if your bf makes you happy, but yeah seems like a very hard relationship to try to maintain
- JacksApple likes this
Posted 17 August 2020 - 11:01 PM
Seriously all of you guys have helped me tremendously with your advice and kind words.
Btw this is the text he sent me while i was at work. I feel like i might be making it more than it is so i want to share it so you can make your own judgement.
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