Mental breakdown/rant from a sleep-deprived zombie brain:
I can't believe the dichotomy of this disorder. I have fucked up my body, but my body is also fucked up. I want to be skinny so that I can feel human. If I am normal, I am not deserving of my own respect. I want my body to represent how I feel. I have dealt with a lot of health conditions and not been taken seriously. I want my body to represent how I've felt throughout these years.
I can't recover. I just can't. I can't be a normal weight. I love being the smallest person around. I love being able to go on stage and looking tiny. I am not myself if I am not skinny.
I love the double takes I get from people when they see me smaller. I don't like concern and I don't want attention, but I do love the validation whenever I get asked if I eat and get comments on how small I am by my professors. I still don't feel valid enough, but it helps.
I felt like I had all the control because I could high restrict my way into oblivion. Somehow, my body rebelled. I am in control, not my biological functions. I don't care what my body says. I will get back on track soon.
I can't break free. I do have a life outside of this. I am a full-time student. I am attempting to freelance as an English and Spanish teacher. I am learning a foreign language. I want to find love. Nothing is complete without being as small as I want to be. This has taken a lot of energy from me, but I have no guarantee of success in my goals if I give it up either.
I wanted to be 2 lbs. thinner by tomorrow, but I am just fatter now. It was a doable plan, but I somehow fucked it up. I at least have 4 more months before the semester ends so I can try to lose weight at least 10 lbs. and reach my goal. Yes, I can lose 3 lbs. a month. I will.
I hope that this is caused by my hormones. My period should come tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm only hoping this is caused by my period because it's the only way that I can see an end to this nightmare. What if this happens every month?
I want to cry but I can't.