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[lostinthestars]

Mental breakdown/rant from a sleep-deprived zombie brain:

 

I can't believe the dichotomy of this disorder. I have fucked up my body, but my body is also fucked up. I want to be skinny so that I can feel human. If I am normal, I am not deserving of my own respect. I want my body to represent how I feel. I have dealt with a lot of health conditions and not been taken seriously. I want my body to represent how I've felt throughout these years.

 

I can't recover. I just can't. I can't be a normal weight. I love being the smallest person around. I love being able to go on stage and looking tiny. I am not myself if I am not skinny.

 

I love the double takes I get from people when they see me smaller. I don't like concern and I don't want attention, but I do love the validation whenever I get asked if I eat and get comments on how small I am by my professors. I still don't feel valid enough, but it helps. 

 

I felt like I had all the control because I could high restrict my way into oblivion. Somehow, my body rebelled. I am in control, not my biological functions. I don't care what my body says. I will get back on track soon. 

 

I can't break free. I do have a life outside of this. I am a full-time student. I am attempting to freelance as an English and Spanish teacher. I am learning a foreign language. I want to find love. Nothing is complete without being as small as I want to be. This has taken a lot of energy from me, but I have no guarantee of success in my goals if I give it up either.

 

I wanted to be 2 lbs. thinner by tomorrow, but I am just fatter now. It was a doable plan, but I somehow fucked it up. I at least have 4 more months before the semester ends so I can try to lose weight at least 10 lbs. and reach my goal. Yes, I can lose 3 lbs. a month. I will.

 

I hope that this is caused by my hormones. My period should come tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm only hoping this is caused by my period because it's the only way that I can see an end to this nightmare. What if this happens every month?

 

I want to cry but I can't.

[lostinthestars]

Here are pics of some of the foods I've had the last couple of days.

I'm sure I gained enough to put me over 100 lbs. I feel better and have energy I didn't think I had. But this is not motivation to recover. I'm going to eat at least maintenance today because I can't keep gaining or I'll implode. This thicc look does not suit me.

 

I'm positive that after eating everything and anything, restriction will be easier. I don't even like the taste of food anymore. Eating isn't enjoyable.

 

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[Velvet22]

Your body is very beautiful, I love your proportions

[Sweet Lime]

Baby girl, you're a tiny little dormouse. I half expect the next body check to be you curled up to rest inside a tulip.  

[lostinthestars]

Ended up at maintenance yesterday. My hunger got lower as the day went by. I started spotting but still don't have my period.

My heart rate has gotten very high compared to usual.

I'm very upset about weight gain. My body likes to fight with me when I get into what I think is the double digits. The scale should get here tomorrow so I'll finally know my weight

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[lostinthestars]

Your body is very beautiful, I love your proportions

Thank you

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[lostinthestars]

Baby girl, you're a tiny little dormouse. I half expect the next body check to be you curled up to rest inside a tulip.

This made me laugh trying to imagine that!
Thank you Hope you have a great day!

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[lostinthestars]

Another day of feeling like trash.
My hunger matches my TDEE instead of 3x as much. Thank goodness extreme hunger is gone. The problem is that as soon as I eat normally, I feel dizzy, somewhat nauseous, and have a rapid and irregular heart beat. When I was feeling horrible this afternoon, I decided to have a substantial meal of veggies and meat. This just made my dizziness worse.

I'm having cramps but no bleeding. My body is just enjoying giving me surprises.

I know I should see a doctor, but I'm scared of explaining these weird symptoms and getting a suspicious reaction or not being taken seriously because of good labs. Either way, I'm screwed.

 

I also don't care. I'm not sick enough to die, but death in my sleep is not something I'd mind. (Sorry for being so down... I've just about had it with everything).

100 surplus
55 net carbs
9k steps



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[lostinthestars]

Massive update:
I finally got my scale yesterday. I was FAR off in my estimations. It turns out, I'm 111.6 lbs. Last time I weighed this much, my measurements were a lot higher. I was over an inch bigger everywhere! Either this scale is inaccurate, or some kind of sorcery happened because I've hardly done enough strength training for a body recomposition to happen. I've only lost 4 lbs. since I came to Belgium since September?? I'm confused. My deficits have been bigger than that. It may be that doing carnivore for 7 weeks and eating meat regularly did some kind of repair in my body.

I'm not mad that I weigh more than I thought. I look too fat for a BMI of 17. I feel like I look like a BMI of 19. I think that I'll set my goal as 100 lbs. and couple it with resistance training so that I don't lose muscle. This should get me to my goal measurements.






Yesterday's food and macros:

100 surplus
85 net carbs
12k steps