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My KETO Accountability - pics


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#561 lostinthestars

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Posted 28 April 2021 - 03:48 PM

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Sending you a big hug, it will get better <3

Thank you

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#562 Tired247

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Posted 28 April 2021 - 05:41 PM

u look great also its ok dont say sorry to us. u seem to be delaing with a lot. take care of urself! 


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#563 Sweet Lime

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Posted 29 April 2021 - 08:22 AM

I can't imagine your schedule, you ambitious little thing. I'm so proud of you! I hope you're getting enough sleep.


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#564 lostinthestars

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Posted 29 April 2021 - 04:45 PM

Latest update on my Belgian adventures: My phone got stolen by a pickpocket in the tram on my way to the conservatory. I thought the highlight of my day was falling asleep in Dutch class today and have the teacher call me out on it, but alas, the universe had better plans for me. Oh, and I not only have embarrassing body checks and random embarrassing stuff on my phone's camera, but also pictures of my passport, identity card, license, and social security number. I also had all my banking info in the bank app. I've just enjoyed the last few hours of today while changing passwords and canceling cards... 


​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#565 Velvet22

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Posted 30 April 2021 - 03:12 PM

Latest update on my Belgian adventures: My phone got stolen by a pickpocket in the tram on my way to the conservatory. I thought the highlight of my day was falling asleep in Dutch class today and have the teacher call me out on it, but alas, the universe had better plans for me. Oh, and I not only have embarrassing body checks and random embarrassing stuff on my phone's camera, but also pictures of my passport, identity card, license, and social security number. I also had all my banking info in the bank app. I've just enjoyed the last few hours of today while changing passwords and canceling cards... 

my dear that sounds terrible! could you cancel everything? i don't know what to say but I'm sending you strength. holy shit life is really testing you these days


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Stats:
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CW: 55
GW: 53
GW: 52
GW: 50
UGW: 45

 

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#566 lostinthestars

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Posted 01 May 2021 - 03:27 AM

u look great also its ok dont say sorry to us. u seem to be delaing with a lot. take care of urself! 

 

Aww, thank you! 

 

I can't imagine your schedule, you ambitious little thing. I'm so proud of you! I hope you're getting enough sleep.

 

I finally got enough sleep last night :) I'm feeling a lot better. Thank you so much for your comment <3

 

my dear that sounds terrible! could you cancel everything? i don't know what to say but I'm sending you strength. holy shit life is really testing you these days

 

So far, everything is taken care of enough. It's been quite stressful. I have an appointment to file the police report tomorrow, but there's no chance of recovering my phone.

 

A lot of good things have happened, but then life decides to balance things by throwing in all sorts of challenges :/ C'est la vie! Everything is better today :)

 

I hope you have a great weekend!


  • Velvet22 likes this

​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#567 lostinthestars

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Posted 04 May 2021 - 05:04 AM

Life just gets weirder and weirder. In a way, I feel like I jumped into a merry-go-round, but it suddenly became a rollercoaster. It feels like driving a car with broken brakes. Can I please get off?

 

I was telling myself these last few days that I could semi-recover because I've been eating at maintenance and haven't hated my body too much. My singing has improved in ways that I can't even begin to describe since allowing myself to eat up to maintenance. I'm still quite hungry despite eating ~2,000 calories every day. My teacher told me that I seem like a different person. She has been wanting to know why I've always looked so tired and been incapable of singing up to what is expected because now, I can sing in ways that were impossible to me before.

 

The hell I'll admit to an ED! I told her it was because I've been taking less of a medication. In reality, I lowered my dose of Metformin to almost nothing so that I can use it as an appetite suppressant when I want to restrict later on. Hell, it works for the first month until I develop "tolerance." Anyways, I said I have a health condition that requires a prescription medication and it has tiredness as a side effect. I'm not lying, but she has been asking a lot of questions about what possible health problems I have. I could tell she both cares and is dying from curiosity. Music teachers like to be therapists after a lesson is over, using concern as their reason. However, I'm a very closed person and that drives them mad. The less I reveal, the more they ask. 

 

To sing or to starve? To sing or to starve? To sing... No, I'll figure it out. I've got to be in the double digits soon. I'll restrict this summer, when I'm free from classes and all I have to do is work. Sounds good? Right now, I have too many goals, hopes, and dreams. I'm so overwhelmed I could cry. Nothing I do will ever be good enough. I will never accomplish enough. What if I fall short?

 

I got on the scale this morning and took my measurements. Those numbers + stress = a massive, horrific b/p consisting of 20 and 50 cent items from Lidl. I ate a massive apricot pie, half a cherry pie, pasta, brie, cream cheese, and eggs with butter. It wasn't a horrible purge, but it was a massive waste of time. 111.2 lbs???? This isn't water weight, unless it's water retention from stress and lack of sleep, but I feel fat. My hips were 34.25" and thighs slightly below 19. I could cry. I'm angry.

 

I have another lesson today and I hope my face doesn't look like one that belongs to a pale, swollen corpse. 

 

My sleep has been awful. I can't remember the last time I've slept more than 6 hours. If I seem tired today, I'll just tell her that. 

 

Things have been going even better with "the boy." Let's call him D. He's reserved, but he has been opening up to me and me to him without being too vulnerable. We are talking about anxiety, fears, religion, and dreams. I can't reveal too much because if I were to be honest, that kind of word vomit would scare anyone. I could never reveal myself at any point in any relationship. So far, the amount of information on each other seems to be perfect. He seems to enjoy getting to know me. Every email gets more and more serious about the possibility of us meeting. 

 

Oh, and my new laptop arrived. It is sheerly terrible. I'm returning it and I just bought a different one. Thank goodness for Amazon's free returns!

 

Did I make any sense? I hope you enjoyed reading about my rather turbulent life.


  • Sweet Lime likes this

​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#568 Sweet Lime

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Posted 04 May 2021 - 09:43 AM

I always enjoy reading about your life, Stars. It's sweet that your teacher seems so concerned, but you don't have to tell her anything you're not ready to. It is a nice backup if a time ever comes when you decide you want help, though. 

 

Don't worry about one b/p, I'm sure it's all water and food weight and it'll settle. Remember the scale is a finicky bitch. 

 

Wishing all the best with D, you deserve a companion and I hope he's worthy. 

 

I know it's difficult to see the true priority through ed goggles, but keep your eye on the prize. You're accomplishing your dream, I don't want you to let your true goals suffer. As much as you can, try to serve your dream over the ed. 


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#569 lostinthestars

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Posted 05 May 2021 - 12:59 PM

I can't feel anything. I feel dead and empty inside, like a carved pumpkin in Halloween. I want to cry, but I can't. 

 

My life is a list of things that I must do. Some things I must do to live. Others, I must do to be financially independent. And the others, to be somewhat successful in this life and to be emotionally fulfilled. I want to be proud of myself and of what I've accomplished. I want to be the best damn singer I can be. I want to be self-sufficient.

 

Right now, I'm 112.2 and I hate everything about it. I can't stop eating as much as I have been lately. I mean, with the exception of yesterday, I haven't binged or even overeaten. I'm a "normal" calorie hungry level. I feel disgusted when I look at myself. My clothes feel tighter and I'm very triggered.

 

At least, things continue well with D, so I have that to look forward to.

 

My teacher noticed how off I was yesterday. I said I just hadn't been sleeping well lately. She asked me why and I said I wasn't sure. Well, she has a way of getting out information out of me. Halfway through the lesson, I said in a word vomit, "My phone got stolen on Thursday. I had to change 20 passwords because I had emails open, my Amazon account, and bank accounts in apps. Pictures of all my identity information like passport, ID cards, and credit card numbers were on my phone. I reported it to the police, but the whole interrogation was in Dutch and it was extremely frustrating. I started a new job and that's stressful because I'm learning the whole new system. My computer died and I used a borrowed one until the new one arrived, but the new one is trash so I bought another one and am returning this one so I haven't even started to work. The company is hounding me to start working already but I can't download the software on this laptop. I'm looking for a place to live for next schoolyear and haven't been successful so far. I'm stressed about competitions because of filming audition videos."

 

Her response was very kind. I can't remember exactly what she said, but it made me feel better. How lovely!

 

What I really wanted to say was, "I feel dead and empty inside and I can't explain why. I can't stand the way I look even though I feel better physically. I'm too fat for my liking and would do almost anything to look as frail as I feel. I'm fat. Can't you see? I'm afraid that things won't work out with the guy I'm with or that my parents will disapprove if things move forward because he isn't the same denomination as I was raised. I'm terrified of not doing enough or not being enough. I want to cry, but I can't. I feel out of control. I want to stop eating, but my body has other ideas. Then, I just eat too much and make myself throw up because I do this whenever I'm overwhelmed. I'm a fake person. I'm just pretending. Why do you even care?"


​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#570 lostinthestars

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Posted 05 May 2021 - 01:04 PM

I always enjoy reading about your life, Stars. It's sweet that your teacher seems so concerned, but you don't have to tell her anything you're not ready to. It is a nice backup if a time ever comes when you decide you want help, though. 

 

Don't worry about one b/p, I'm sure it's all water and food weight and it'll settle. Remember the scale is a finicky bitch. 

 

Wishing all the best with D, you deserve a companion and I hope he's worthy. 

 

I know it's difficult to see the true priority through ed goggles, but keep your eye on the prize. You're accomplishing your dream, I don't want you to let your true goals suffer. As much as you can, try to serve your dream over the ed. 

 

I read your comment this morning and it made me smile when I needed it the most! Thank you so much!

 

The weight gain was from before the b/p, lol. I didn't make it clear since I wrote out of emotional turbulence.

 

I really do hope things work out with him. He seems genuine and really compatible with me. It's so difficult to find someone with so much in common.

 

I certainly must put all my energy into my goals, but it's hard to be happy when I feel this way towards my body. 

 

I hope you're doing better! I'll catch up with your accountability really soon <3


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​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#571 Velvet22

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Posted 05 May 2021 - 03:09 PM

I can't feel anything. I feel dead and empty inside, like a carved pumpkin in Halloween. I want to cry, but I can't. 

 

My life is a list of things that I must do. Some things I must do to live. Others, I must do to be financially independent. And the others, to be somewhat successful in this life and to be emotionally fulfilled. I want to be proud of myself and of what I've accomplished. I want to be the best damn singer I can be. I want to be self-sufficient.

 

Right now, I'm 112.2 and I hate everything about it. I can't stop eating as much as I have been lately. I mean, with the exception of yesterday, I haven't binged or even overeaten. I'm a "normal" calorie hungry level. I feel disgusted when I look at myself. My clothes feel tighter and I'm very triggered.

 

At least, things continue well with D, so I have that to look forward to.

 

My teacher noticed how off I was yesterday. I said I just hadn't been sleeping well lately. She asked me why and I said I wasn't sure. Well, she has a way of getting out information out of me. Halfway through the lesson, I said in a word vomit, "My phone got stolen on Thursday. I had to change 20 passwords because I had emails open, my Amazon account, and bank accounts in apps. Pictures of all my identity information like passport, ID cards, and credit card numbers were on my phone. I reported it to the police, but the whole interrogation was in Dutch and it was extremely frustrating. I started a new job and that's stressful because I'm learning the whole new system. My computer died and I used a borrowed one until the new one arrived, but the new one is trash so I bought another one and am returning this one so I haven't even started to work. The company is hounding me to start working already but I can't download the software on this laptop. I'm looking for a place to live for next schoolyear and haven't been successful so far. I'm stressed about competitions because of filming audition videos."

 

Her response was very kind. I can't remember exactly what she said, but it made me feel better. How lovely!

 

What I really wanted to say was, "I feel dead and empty inside and I can't explain why. I can't stand the way I look even though I feel better physically. I'm too fat for my liking and would do almost anything to look as frail as I feel. I'm fat. Can't you see? I'm afraid that things won't work out with the guy I'm with or that my parents will disapprove if things move forward because he isn't the same denomination as I was raised. I'm terrified of not doing enough or not being enough. I want to cry, but I can't. I feel out of control. I want to stop eating, but my body has other ideas. Then, I just eat too much and make myself throw up because I do this whenever I'm overwhelmed. I'm a fake person. I'm just pretending. Why do you even care?"

I care about you and I'm very glad you're alive. you are hella strong, don't you dare deny that! It sucks that life is so so mean right now but you're still standing, you still take all the bullshit and push through.
if you can't cry don't force yourself to anything, you are enough, you're doing enough, you are a wonderful person and I wish I could help you in any kind of way.
You're a blessing and you're loved and please feel hugged <3


  • lostinthestars likes this

Stats:
1,75m
CW: 55
GW: 53
GW: 52
GW: 50
UGW: 45

 

Accountability

 

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#572 lostinthestars

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Posted 10 May 2021 - 12:31 PM

I care about you and I'm very glad you're alive. you are hella strong, don't you dare deny that! It sucks that life is so so mean right now but you're still standing, you still take all the bullshit and push through.
if you can't cry don't force yourself to anything, you are enough, you're doing enough, you are a wonderful person and I wish I could help you in any kind of way.
You're a blessing and you're loved and please feel hugged <3

 

You have no idea how much this comment has meant to me! <3 <3 <3


​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#573 lostinthestars

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Posted 10 May 2021 - 01:14 PM

Things are starting to look better. I'm still incredibly stressed, but at least I am doing much better than last week. I finished 2 essays and only have few easy assignments left.

 

I can't restrict, and this is driving me insane. I would feel better about everything if I could have some kind of control over my intake. I'm still 109.something, thank goodness. My weight gain last week was probably just water retention from not sleeping enough. 

 

Here is a list of things that are stressing me out. Maybe writing about it will make me feel better:

 

- I haven't yet found a place to live for next semester. It feels next to impossible. My options aren't good at all.

- My new job (create a profile video, learn lessons, afraid of the unexpected).

- My laptop and phone haven't arrived yet.

- Planning to go back to the US for the summer.

- Having to arrange to get hired at my old job at the restaurant for the summer.

- Competitions: planning what to sing, when and how to record videos...

- Not knowing where things will lead with D.

 

Minor things that are stressing me out:

 

- Several assignments I haven't finished

- My new job overlaps with my Dutch classes, which I'm a little sad about not finishing.

- Finding a place to leave my belongings while I'm gone.

- I have to restore this laptop and return it to Amazon.

- Return borrowed laptop

- I have to find someone who will buy my old broken laptop for parts.

- I have a lot of music to learn and to practice.

 

Okay, these aren't too bad, but they add to my stress.

 

I'm not looking forward to 10-11 weeks of being in the US. I'd be living with my parents and if I'm lucky, I'll be able to work at the restaurant. I hope there are openings. I'm not happy that my parents moved to another city further away from my old job and it will be a long commute. I hate the Southeast summers. They're too hot and humid. If only staying in Belgium this summer was financially positive... I am looking forward to bringing some things that I left there, like certain clothes, food items, and such. I should be grateful that I'll have a place to stay and be able to save money, but at the same time, not looking forward to it. 

 

I'll be back to posting regularly once I get my new phone. I think it will arrive tomorrow :)

 

I'm always looking forward to D's emails. I find that we have such a similar way of viewing the world and of communicating. I've never met anyone this compatible before. Well, we haven't really met. I'd like to, but that would be difficult for several reasons. We live less than 3 hours away from each other, but in different countries (thanks covid). Also, meeting him alone would be weird. If he suggests a city in between ours... that would still be weird. I don't know. I'm so confused. I feel as though we're pen-pals and I want more from this. What if he has friend-zoned me? What if he's not attracted to me? 


​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#574 skinnyjeans00

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Posted 10 May 2021 - 05:19 PM

You've definitely got a lot on your mind these days, but I'm glad to hear that things are starting to look better. Even if only by a little bit :)


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#575 lostinthestars

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Posted 11 May 2021 - 03:03 PM

You've definitely got a lot on your mind these days, but I'm glad to hear that things are starting to look better. Even if only by a little bit :)

 

Thank you! I hope they keep getting better too!


​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#576 lostinthestars

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Posted 11 May 2021 - 04:11 PM

My phone did not get delivered today. According to Amazon, it will be anytime between tomorrow and Friday. Almost 2 weeks without a cell phone when I need it the most is not easy.

 

I've just sent out several emails to landlords to see if they will rent. I'll be seeing a room on Thursday. The price is great, but I'd have to share a bathroom, which I really don't want to.

 

One thing that annoys me about D is how long he takes to respond to emails sometimes. Sometimes he'll take an hour, sometimes 2 days. Who knows? I One time that he took 2 days, he was very apologetic, but I said not to worry, so he probably took that as a sign that I don't mind his "late" replies. Did I say that D is in Germany? He lives far enough away from the city where I live but...

 

N got a new job that provides him with a car with unlimited personal use and he is already planning a little road trip so he asked me and another housemate to go to a German city near the border in a couple of weeks. I mentioned that I was emailing a guy from Germany and that the cities we are considering are exactly in the middle between D and myself. N said I should bring it up in the email casually like, "A couple of friends and I are going to xxx city and since none of us are German or are familiar with what we should see, what would you suggest?" so that he would suggest meeting up.

 

What if he doesn't get the hint and answers my question literally rather than suggest that we meet up? Does that mean he can't read between the lines or that he'd prefer not to meet? If he doesn't get the picture, should I suggest he join us?

 

Why does this cause me such anxiety? I shouldn't care so much because if it's not meant to be, then it won't happen, but I feel this guy is right in so many ways and I don't want to miss out on a good possibility.

 

Did I mention that I had a deficit of 600 calories today? The reason is because my TDEE is 2500 thanks to the unreliable public transportation system in Belgium. It's just a sign telling me to walk more. 


  • Thaisa likes this

​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#577 Thaisa

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Posted 12 May 2021 - 08:19 AM

I think trying to meet your friend is a great idea. What better way to see if there is a connection in person and overall to learn for about him? I think mention the trip to him and see if he suggests meeting, but if not, then just suggest it directly. What is to lose? I am jealous of your Euro excursions! You are living the dream, girl. 


  • lostinthestars likes this

Current weight: 123-126

Height: 5'6"

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Goal: nutritious eating without purging + to get back to my lean weight of 115 lbs

 


#578 lostinthestars

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Posted 13 May 2021 - 02:33 AM

My phone and new laptop finally arrived! I now have no excuses to do what I have to do.

 

Yesterday, I found lots of things on sale at Lidl for 20 and 50 cents and ended up having the most "delightful" bp. I mean, it was delicious, but it took forever to purge because it was massive. I had pasta with lots and lots of melted French cheese, toasted bread with sweet soft cheese, cream puffs, raspberry-type thing desert, honeybread microwaved in milk... Oh, wonderful release. I wasted so much time, but I felt better.

 

I also may have found a place to live for the same price as my current room, finally!

 

D's latest email was so sweet I had to read it multiple times. I was ecstatic. He started the email saying, "Am liebsten würde ich dich jedes mal umarmen, wenn ich so eine liebe Mail von dir bekomme." (Any German speaker will understand that this translation doesn't do this justice.) "I would love to hug you every time I get such an email from you."

 

It turns out, he has a car, so there are no excuses not to meet with me and 2 of my housemates.

 

In one of our latest emails, I mentioned that I was very stressed. Ever since, he has asked me to share the reasons, but I will not start off our possible relationship by spewing word vomit like I do on MPA. This place is quite alright to be spewing off nonsense because you guys can relate. I get all the catharsis I need. He said, "I don't want to seem curious now, but if you want to talk about anything to me, please do so. I like to listen to you." 

 

He uses the words talk, speak, and listen, which confuses me because we only write emails. I think he wants to talk to me in person. Good sign!

 

I'm afraid he's too good to be true. We have 20 million things in common and agree on everything that matters in life. I'm afraid to be disappointed. (I'm pretty confident that he'll like me, though. Self-esteem? What is this? I guess I'm confident enough when it comes to dating. I know I'm conventionally attractive, lol). 

 

Enough about D. I've been workout out quite consistently and seeing improvement in my abs. I'll be posting body checks soon.

 

Things are starting to look up, but I'm not looking forward to going back to the US this summer. I love this part of the world.

 

Thank you guys for supporting me with your kind words and advice! These last few weeks wouldn't have been the same without your encouragement <3 <3 <3 I don't deserve such lovely followers :')


  • Thaisa and Sweet Lime like this

​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#579 lostinthestars

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Posted 13 May 2021 - 02:37 AM

I think trying to meet your friend is a great idea. What better way to see if there is a connection in person and overall to learn for about him? I think mention the trip to him and see if he suggests meeting, but if not, then just suggest it directly. What is to lose? I am jealous of your Euro excursions! You are living the dream, girl. 

 

I will do just that exactly! Thank you for the advice <3 

 

It has been quite an adventure with massive ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. 


​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

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#580 Velvet22

Velvet22

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Posted 13 May 2021 - 10:45 AM

D's latest email was so sweet I had to read it multiple times. I was ecstatic. He started the email saying, "Am liebsten würde ich dich jedes mal umarmen, wenn ich so eine liebe Mail von dir bekomme." (Any German speaker will understand that this translation doesn't do this justice.) "I would love to hug you every time I get such an email from you."

In one of our latest emails, I mentioned that I was very stressed. Ever since, he has asked me to share the reasons, but I will not start off our possible relationship by spewing word vomit like I do on MPA. This place is quite alright to be spewing off nonsense because you guys can relate. I get all the catharsis I need. He said, "I don't want to seem curious now, but if you want to talk about anything to me, please do so. I like to listen to you." 

 

He uses the words talk, speak, and listen, which confuses me because we only write emails. I think he wants to talk to me in person. Good sign!

he sounds very nice indeed!

 

quick mention as a fellow german, most of the time the words "talk, speak and listen" are used regardless of wanting to talk to someone in person or on the phone.
Have several friends who use the "don't stop talking, i like to listen to your story" via whatsapp and such.
But I do think that he really likes you and i hope you two can meet up!
I personally would suggest meeting up and don't drop hints, he's an adult so talk with him like one


  • lostinthestars likes this

Stats:
1,75m
CW: 55
GW: 53
GW: 52
GW: 50
UGW: 45

 

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