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Are children worth the sacrifices?

children sacrificies worth

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#1 back_to_skinny

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Posted 05 September 2020 - 11:05 PM

Dear MPA mothers and fathers,

 

As the title of my thread says, I've been wondering whether all the sacrifices connected to bringing children into this world are worth it and would like to hear your honest opinions about all that.

 

As I understand children come with a loss of control, a negative financial impact, inflexibility, a burden on your relationship to your partner, body issues, less time, no guarantee to have a supportive relationship in adult years etc. Most of the parents I know  personally are exhausted all the time and seemed happier pre-birth. Some current issues such as climate change, rising costs for living and education, riots etc. don't make it inviting to bear children either.

 

Please don't take my honest questions as criticism as they're clearly not. I've really just been honestly thinking about these questions, also because I used to want to have children pretty badly up until the start of the pandemic. Now I seem to be way more cautious with this wish and would be ok with it if it didn't happen, I guess. I don't know...

 

I'd highly value your honest opinions.


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#2 Lucyhoneychurch

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Posted 07 September 2020 - 01:11 PM

Yes to everything you said and yet still totally worth it. Taking care of their needs before your own is hard because it’s selfless, but it’s that daily selflessness that makes you mature and grow up into a person that realizes and understands much more of what really matters in life. You don’t have time or energy for the stuff that doesn’t matter as much. Plus kids are hilarious, fun, adorable... you will not love anything in the world as much as your kids and they love you and look up to you and need you, every day. It’s overwhelming and awesome and exhausting and heartwarming and just everything- good and bad. But I’ll take it all over not having any of that.
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#3 MC33

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Posted 07 September 2020 - 01:40 PM

I don't know how old you are but many women I know including myself woke up in their late 30's and it was a punch the gut. Suddenly we wanted children so badly that nothing else mattered. I was one of the lucky ones who was able to have them and it was the most meaningful experience of my life. It's the fiercest love there is and you can't imagine what it's like until you experience it. Everything else pales in comparison. It's actually a spiritual experience to shed some of that me me me.and devote yourself to service with your whole heart. Speaking for myself......


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#4 littlebug91

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Posted 07 September 2020 - 02:58 PM

I honestly feel that it is totally worth it. Yes, it does come with a lot of things attached and at first it did take toll on my relationship with my husband, but I think that is because we were both first time parents and didnt know wtf we were doing. Still woth all the ups and downs and lack of sleep it is so totally worth it and we are actually having our second child at the end of this year.
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#5 back_to_skinny

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Posted 07 September 2020 - 10:07 PM

Lucyhoneychurch

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Thank you for sharing your experience! Because my SO is godfather to a 7-year-old I regularly get a glimpse into how hilarious, adorable kids can be and I totally share your opinion. I'm just scared that I might not be a good mother (I'm daughter to a narcissistic mother myself and an extremely complicated relationship to her. I wouldn't want to treat my kids as my mother treats me or vice versa.) or that the relationship with my kids is non-harmonious. The same is true for my ED. I wouldn't want to pass any distorted eating patterns on to my kids. 

 

MC33

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I'm happy to hear that you were among the lucky ones. I'm in my early thirties and I've already had a similar wish, namely to have kids, the sooner the better) pre-Covid but that has changed now. During the lockdown I was extremely stressed out because of the sudden loss of control/routine and for the first time I was actually glad not to have kids because I wouldn't know how to be strong for them and set an example in such situations.

 

littlebug91

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Thank you for sharing your experience and congratulations on your second pregnancy! How old is your oldest one now? What did you do to improve the relationship with your husband or did it simply come naturally once you got more used to your new lives as parents?


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#6 littlebug91

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Posted 08 September 2020 - 10:10 AM

Thank you we are very excited to have a new member of the family. With my husband and I we did a lot of talking and it took a lot of patience to sort through the angry and neglected feelings we were both experiencing as new parents, but we didnt give up. It also became easier as we figured out how to parent.
Our oldest will be 3 in October and our new little will be here in December. Both boys!
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#7 nedra_rainwolf

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Posted 09 September 2020 - 04:03 PM

Yes, I would not trade anything that has happened to me. My boys are my world and worth the whole world.


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#8 MisdirectedMorgan

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Posted 11 September 2020 - 12:30 AM

I always said I’d never get married or have kids. I said that for YEARS. Now, those are far and beyond the two best things that have EVER happened to me.
Yes, kids are all those things you said. For sure. But they’re also the purest form of love, and your heart will never be able to imagine what life was like before them! My husband and my son were the reason I got out of bed when I was in my deepest, darkest depression. They needed me- and they were there to hold me up and carry me though. I wouldn’t be here without their love.
I have a terrible, shitty, practically non-existent relationship with my mom. It’s always sucked. She admits to failing me as a parent, and while that’s somewhat validating, it was a lesson of exactly what NOT to do as a parent with my son. He and I have an amazing relationship, and are absolute best friends. I have created such a little circle of love with my little family- I am so lucky and blessed.
I hope that if you choose to have children, you feel all this love and more. I think you will.


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#9 back_to_skinny

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Posted 15 September 2020 - 10:06 PM

MisdirectedMorgan

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Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's extremely relieving to hear that it's absolutely possible to create a loving family unit even though one might have experienced dysfunctional family relationships as a child. My mother herself has some toxic tendencies but she refuses to go to therapy with me and can't admit to herself that improving our relationship requires external help in one form or another which is difficult for me because truth to be told, I still love my mother even though she's been behaving unmotherly and cruel oftentimes. 

 

Anyway, I'm also glad that your family helped you push through your depression. As someone who has suffered from depression herself this is another fear of mine, namely being unfit to be a parent because of some proneness towards depression so it makes me quite hopeful that suffering from depression doesn't necessarily cause a family to fall apart but the family members to support each other more which is simply beautiful.

 

May I ask how old your son is and how old you are when you actively decided against your life plans of not getting married etc.? Do you plan on having more kids?

 

Have a wonderful day!


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#10 greenteavegan

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Posted 25 September 2020 - 03:42 PM

I can only speak for myself, but for me it was not just worth it, I don't experience many of the issues you describe at all or as negative.
I'll adress the ones you mentionend one by one. Here it goes: having kids helped me gain control in some ways. Having my kids as one main focus in life made me figure out what other parts of my life are most important and therefore deserving of my time and attention. Being faced with the possibility of loosing myself in motherhood made me figure who I want to be outside of that. Yes, I can not pursue other dreams as freely and flexible, but at least I'm not lost any more and appreciate spending time away from my kids productively.
Negative financial impact is hardly existent where I live as we get money from the government each month to help with cost of necesseties while education and child care is mostly free from one year old to university (no significant private education sector), not to mention paid parental leave and free health care. So it's probably mot exactly enough to cover everything, but moneywise having kids really doesn't make much difference here. I do get that this is not the case everywhere.
My relationship with my partner has also not been impacted negatively, sure, sometimes kids can be inconvenient, but definitly no burden. I guess having kids we have learned to really support each other and to make the best of our time alone if you know what I mean. I have always had body issues obviously, but my relationship with at least some parts of my body has improved since having kids and breastfeeding. Body issues that persist simply haven't gone away, but they are not related to having kids (I didn't get stretch marks or loose skin though, I don't know how well I would have dealt with that).

I guess that covers loss of control, negative financial impact, lack of flexibility, a burden on your relationship to your partner, body issues and less time. Kids not being a guarantee to have a supportive relationship in adult years is true, but the same goes for not having them, so I'm not sure I get what you mean by that.
Am I exhausted? Sometimes (but I also was before at times).
Was I happier before kids? Definitly not!

Some backround info: I was never one of those who always wanted kids and planned for it. It just suddenly came up when planning our wedding and we just said we'd go for it. Pregnant right away with twins (!) I had never really been around kids before and really surprised myself. My mother was not hands on and we have a difficult relationship, but somehow I just figured it all out. I also had a son who turns one next month. Having a support system helps so much, both privately of friends and family and of course financially and structurally from the government.
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#11 back_to_skinny

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Posted 26 September 2020 - 11:08 PM

greenteavegan
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Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences. I'm glad everything's running so nicely for you and your family. Simply knowing that such families exist make me hopeful!

I wish you and your families all the best for your further lives.

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#12 Lizzie88

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Posted 18 October 2020 - 09:53 AM

I would never have chosen to have a child but now that I have (accident) I wouldn’t take it back. I’m not really a kid person but with your own you can‘t help but love them and sacrifice yourself for them. The best bit - they give you the most wonderful reason to better yourself as a human being.
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#13 PixelCat

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Posted 18 October 2020 - 08:44 PM

Parenthood isn’t easy sometimes, but I’d never have it any other way. My kids are so worth it.
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#14 Niadolea

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Posted 09 November 2020 - 05:39 PM

I have 5 month old baby. I am doing everything around house and baby. My husband changed baby diapers only twice. But he is working alot and I live nice life. Daily chores are not hard for me. I enjoy being with my baby. I sleep well cuz baby is good sleeper. Hard part is not being able to spend all day outside cuz baby has its own rhytm but it is year of pandemic so that is the way it is.

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#15 minmax

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Posted 02 December 2020 - 01:03 PM

i would guess most parents who would answer "no" to this question are just not going to reply here. it might cause them social backlash & i'm sure it's hard to see the truth written down like that for some ppl.
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#16 ThinkThin123

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Posted 21 December 2020 - 05:59 PM

I have a 15yr old boy a 13yr old girl and a 14month old.

There are days when i wish it was just me...

To lay in bed in the mornings without someone bounceing on my back squealing, little fists n knees creating new bruises all over my body, slobbery lips blowing raspberries on my cheeks to wake me up.

To decide to go out and just go out..... without it taking an hour or more getting bub ready, only for their nappy to leak as your getting them in the car seat.

To sit and have a cup of tea without having dummies dropped in ( his new craze is to put his bricks or dummies in your lunch, drinks ect... arghhhhh) or climb all over you.

To watch tv with out running commentary from my older 2, constant questions the whole way through.

Grumpy teens sulking around, bickering with eachother.

To make dinner and not have turned up noses or gagging as in the case of my bub.

I dont even get an evening to myself anymore (unless i stay up late) since they have grown up, try telling a 15yr old to go to bed early so you can be alone.

But as to whether they are worth it, thats a loaded question.... if i could go back in time, i would never undo having them , for all the downsides i have had an incredible time, so much fun and laughter, I love them dearly, and they love me so completely.


But if i could have 2 lives one would deffinately be childless.





Oh peace and quiet will i never meet you again.
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#17 lizbites

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Posted 28 December 2020 - 09:04 PM

I’m not a parent, but I needed this thread. I’ve been debating with myself about whether or not I want a child so much recently.

It‘s difficult to think about taking care of a child right now, since I still have so much trouble taking care of myself—but part of me feels like I was destined to be a mom, and if there’s any good reason for me to recover and take care of myself, it’s to make myself a healthier person for my future child.
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#18 Winchesters-Angel

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Posted 10 January 2021 - 04:17 AM

Things that have happened to me since I got pregnant, till now:

- boobs HURT. Like my entire pregnancy. They hurt so bad. I couldnt stand them being touched.
- was sick every morning because of the phlegm buildup at night
- conquered my trypanophobia with the help of a really good band, and an extremely patient OB, who did my blood work every time. I can now get vaccines no problem when I used to avoid them or cause a scene when I had no choice.
- was called a lot of names, because with my figure it was hard for people to tell I was pregnant.
- I could not for the fucking life of me find clothes that fit. I wore the same pair of baggy Jean's my entire pregnancy. (But after I had the baby, they're now extremely lose and I have to tie the belt loops together cuz an actual belt just wont cut it)
- I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to, yet somehow in my 3rd trimester I started losing weight. I was actually 20lbs lighter by my first post partum visit, but my daughter was only 7lbs 5oz at birth.
- the epidural made everything a goddamn breeze. All of my contractions were in my back, and I had no clue what they were at first (I was also induced)
- my first night home with the baby was a fucking nightmare
- I make mistakes with her every single day, yet, shes still perfect.
- me and her were in and out of the emergency room the first week she was born, because i was extremely paranoid about everything going on between me and her. Nobody told me it's common for newborns to get pink eye, or that "baby acne" is a thing, or that your hormones run through their little bodies for months so their breast tissue hardens... and I'm anemic so when I kept passing major blood clots, I freaked the fuck out.
- post partum depression fucking sucks
- definitely have a therapist because adjusting to being a parent is a lot more difficult than you anticipate. Sometimes you wish things were how they used to be and that's okay.
- I love my daughter with every breath I take. Shes this tiny amazing little human being, and I'm in awe every day that I made something like this... out of everything I've ever made, nothing even comes close. It's so surreal I still have a hard time accepting it as reality.

Is it worth it? 100% for me. My daughter is 7 weeks now, and shes finding her voice, so shes always babbling. Watching her "talk" to my fiance and her Nana is so surreal

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#19 Queen of fatness

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Posted 12 January 2021 - 03:07 AM

Honestly? No. I’m having a bad day though so ask me another time for a better answer lol
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#20 Moonlit_Tide

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Posted 20 January 2021 - 09:54 AM

I think it depends on the person you ask. I think it was more than worth it and I'd do it again if I could. Someone else may say they have some regrets. No wrong answers though, just people's personal opinions.

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