Bulimia is the most embarrassing thing - Bulimia Discussions - Forums and Community

Jump to content


About MPA

MPA is a site dedicated to the support or recovery of those suffering from eating disorders or body dysmorphic disorders. Please be sensitive to this fact when creating an account and contributing to the board.


Photo

Bulimia is the most embarrassing thing


  • Please log in to reply
14 replies to this topic

#1 Rose Rain

Rose Rain

    Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1272 posts
  • LocationGreece

Posted 15 September 2020 - 04:51 PM

If not the most one of the most humiliating, disregarding and embarrassing eating disorders & mental illnesses. When I was just Anorexic I had nothing to be embarrassed about and that's what I miss the most. Getting caught binging or purging, having your family find out buckets of puke in your room and binge food stash in your bedroom,getting caught cooking binge food for 10 in a messy kitchen in midnight or when your family returns sooner than planned home, getting confronted stealing steak in front of your mum from a security guard, getting caught cooking in your bedroom and having pans and pots in there. Smelling like puke and food, dirty clothes dirty room, blocking toilets and wasting so much fomoney and food that your family wanted to have the chance to enjoy it themselves ...I can go on and on

I do everything I can to eat at all times. I never lose an opportunity to eat more. It makes me feel more like an animal.

Στάλθηκε από το MAR-LX1A μου χρησιμοποιώντας Tapatalk
  • Effie ⨰, bow, Black Swim and 8 others like this
"I am not sure what I want, but I know
what everybody else wants for me,
and I know I don't want that."

#2 DietLife

DietLife

    Guru

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 517 posts
  • LocationIn the Alpha Quadrant

Posted 15 September 2020 - 04:57 PM

I’m lucky to have never been caught bingeing or purging, although there have been some close calls. I do hate having to make excuses for missing food when I’m not careful/sneaky enough, I hate the bathroom puke smell that is so hard to get rid of, I hate the anxiety every time I’ve binged/purged while home alone and fear that someone will be home early and catch me. I dread the fact that someday, someone will come home early and catch me. I wish I could remain b/p free forever but I’ll probably do it again soon. I always fail before it’s been a week.


  • bow likes this

Height: 5’1”     Highest Weight: 170.4     Highest BMI: 32.2     Current Weight: 123.4 (9-19-20)     Current BMI: 23.3

Goal Weights

129.7 (lowest in three years)

125

119.6 (lowest since December 2016)

114.4 (my lowest weight ever)

110

105

99 (double digits)

97.6 (finally underweight)

 

M y   A c c o u n t a b i l i t y : https://www.myproana...ith-pics/page-7


#3 Boba's Fatt

Boba's Fatt

    Advanced Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1784 posts
  • LocationAboard Slave I, geosynch orbit above UK

Posted 15 September 2020 - 05:16 PM

Yup.  House-sharing was a literal nightmare for me and my housemates.  I live alone now and that's not going to change anytime soon THANK FUCK because at least when I b/p now nobody can interrupt me.  I can't eat anybody else's food, nobody judges MY food, I have time to sort out my rubbish and washing up before anybody visits.

 

B/p'ing is so animalistic.  Especially when it's those absolutely desperate ones when you've got nothing to eat so you basically make some kind of dough with flour and sugar and water and vanilla extract etc. and leftovers out the bin and all that jazz.  And you've got splashback in your hair and food stains on your clothes and you're absolutely exhausted and hurt all over.  And you're broke AF.

 

It's not cool.


  • bow, Minnnd.slayer, Rose Rain and 5 others like this

||| I don't have junk in the trunk, I have Captain Solo in the cargo hold |||


''If wishes were horses, those wishes would all run away, shrieking and bucking, terrified of a great unseen evil''

 

''You can run, but you'll only die tired.''

 

''Reality doesn't care if you believe in it.''

 

It's only me who wants to wrap around your dreams

And have you any dreams you'd like to sell?

Dreams of loneliness

Like a heartbeat that drives you mad

In the stillness of remembering what you had

And what you lost

And what you had

And what you lost....


#4 DietLife

DietLife

    Guru

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 517 posts
  • LocationIn the Alpha Quadrant

Posted 15 September 2020 - 05:21 PM

Yup.  House-sharing was a literal nightmare for me and my housemates.  I live alone now and that's not going to change anytime soon THANK FUCK because at least when I b/p now nobody can interrupt me.  I can't eat anybody else's food, nobody judges MY food, I have time to sort out my rubbish and washing up before anybody visits.

 

B/p'ing is so animalistic.  Especially when it's those absolutely desperate ones when you've got nothing to eat so you basically make some kind of dough with flour and sugar and water and vanilla extract etc. and leftovers out the bin and all that jazz.  And you've got splashback in your hair and food stains on your clothes and you're absolutely exhausted and hurt all over.  And you're broke AF.

 

It's not cool.

Thank (whatever supreme deity) that I’m not the only person who has binges of desperate concoctions. I, too, have done that dough thing many a time. Depending on the consistency it’s easy enough to purge though.


  • bow likes this

Height: 5’1”     Highest Weight: 170.4     Highest BMI: 32.2     Current Weight: 123.4 (9-19-20)     Current BMI: 23.3

Goal Weights

129.7 (lowest in three years)

125

119.6 (lowest since December 2016)

114.4 (my lowest weight ever)

110

105

99 (double digits)

97.6 (finally underweight)

 

M y   A c c o u n t a b i l i t y : https://www.myproana...ith-pics/page-7


#5 indicats

indicats

    Omniscient

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 3307 posts
  • Locationraiding your fridge

Posted 15 September 2020 - 05:39 PM

Yeah I felt this one

Sent from my MRD-LX1N using Tapatalk

trans man

 taurus sun / gemini moon

accountability

167cm 

LW: 105 

HW: 135

CW: 112

 


#6 Effie ⨰

Effie ⨰

    Advanced Warrior

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 309 posts

Posted 15 September 2020 - 05:44 PM

I know right. I get so embarrassed when my co-workers say things like « I don't get why you're so skinny, you're always eating » 

 

If they only knew. 


  • indicats likes this

__________

 

LW : 100 | CW : 103 | GW : 98

 

accoutability

 

 

 

 

 

 


#7 peach dreams

peach dreams

    Advanced Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1300 posts

Posted 15 September 2020 - 06:21 PM

Yup. House-sharing was a literal nightmare for me and my housemates. I live alone now and that's not going to change anytime soon THANK FUCK because at least when I b/p now nobody can interrupt me. I can't eat anybody else's food, nobody judges MY food, I have time to sort out my rubbish and washing up before anybody visits.

B/p'ing is so animalistic. Especially when it's those absolutely desperate ones when you've got nothing to eat so you basically make some kind of dough with flour and sugar and water and vanilla extract etc. and leftovers out the bin and all that jazz. And you've got splashback in your hair and food stains on your clothes and you're absolutely exhausted and hurt all over. And you're broke AF.

It's not cool.

Yeah God I just moved in with a friend of mine after living alone for a year and a half and OH MY GOD this is so, so much worse. I NEED to live alone. My disorder does NOT allow me to live with others, even a close friend. This is awful :(

Edit- honestly I don't even think I could live with a partner oof

#8 bow

bow

    Warrior

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 223 posts
  • LocationUnited States

Posted 15 September 2020 - 07:18 PM

If not the most one of the most humiliating, disregarding and embarrassing eating disorders & mental illnesses. When I was just Anorexic I had nothing to be embarrassed about and that's what I miss the most.

I do everything I can to eat at all times. I never lose an opportunity to eat more. It makes me feel more like an animal.

 

 

B/p'ing is so animalistic.  Especially when it's those absolutely desperate ones 

 

 

Exactly. Exactly. Shame and Animalism. It's gotten to the point where I am no longer grossed out by anything. Splashback from public toilets. Submerging my hand and feeling around to see how much I've gotten up. Eating out of trash cans. I don't even wince. As is common with EDs, I don't have any interest in caring for myself or my body unless the act makes me more attractive. And with my bulimia weight gain, the chance of "attractive" has gone out the window. So, I don't shower. I don't look in mirrors. I don't brush my hair. I go to work in the same vomit covered clothes for days in a row. Everything in my life is just humming background noise in between B/P sessions. I'm losing time. Months are flying by and I don't remember a single event. Just a dumb animal floating from place to place with only food on the mind. Trapped in a body that is forever morphing and growing larger! 

 

It's like you're in your own horror movie. Knowing full well if you ever wake up from your self-induced trance of numbness, you will never recover from the shock, terror, and shame at the life you're living. So instead you swallow another bite, ignore the raw pain in your throat, and dread the fact that you'll be staring down the barrel of a toilet bowl in a few minutes. LOL

 

#JustEdThingz :P


  • Minnnd.slayer, Rose Rain, peach dreams and 3 others like this

tumblr_n3spdu3LiD1r1v095o1_250.png

CW: 160 lbs

Height: 5'7

HW: 216 lbs

LW: 122 lbs

UGW: 99 lbs

Binge Free: 0 days

 

   sailor-serenity.png

 

"This is the part when I say I don't want it. I'm stronger than I've been before. This is the part when I break free."

 

 

 

 

 


#9 chickenkenders

chickenkenders

    Advanced Warrior

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 348 posts

Posted 16 September 2020 - 12:53 AM

YEP. Both of my long term relationships ended because of bulimia. One time my ex walked in on me purging and he was begging me to stop and just ended up hugging me while I continued to purge *__*

I couldn’t stop, the fear of hanging on to whatever was inside of me was more than the shame of him seeing me in all my snotty and slobbery shame.

When I lived at home, my mom texted me one time to please clean the shower better because she tired of cleaning puke out of the shower curtain. She also found my bucket of puke in my closet and spent 2 hours steam cleaning the carpet.

Another time my two sisters and my sister’s boyfriend cleaned up my puke buckets so my parents wouldn’t see them after I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt.

When I lived with roommates/partners I would steal their food out of desperation and then have to replace it in the middle of the night before they noticed I somehow made my way through 3 lbs of pasta plus a gallon of ice cream lmfao..

When I worked third shift, I would go to the store at 3 AM after I got done with work and I would eat the prepackaged sushi with my hands while I shopped for other binge food it was too expensive to justify buying for b/p, but god I love sushi.

I HATE bulimia and I feel so sad that there is so much shame around it because it’s a mental illness like any other, but somehow it feels much more embarrassing and is way harder for me to reconcile.

Much love to you all, so sorry you are going through this.
  • Minnnd.slayer, Rose Rain, peach dreams and 1 other like this

#10 Rose Rain

Rose Rain

    Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1272 posts
  • LocationGreece

Posted 16 September 2020 - 01:00 AM



Exactly. Exactly. Shame and Animalism. It's gotten to the point where I am no longer grossed out by anything. Splashback from public toilets. Submerging my hand and feeling around to see how much I've gotten up. Eating out of trash cans. I don't even wince. As is common with EDs, I don't have any interest in caring for myself or my body unless the act makes me more attractive. And with my bulimia weight gain, the chance of "attractive" has gone out the window. So, I don't shower. I don't look in mirrors. I don't brush my hair. I go to work in the same vomit covered clothes for days in a row. Everything in my life is just humming background noise in between B/P sessions. I'm losing time. Months are flying by and I don't remember a single event. Just a dumb animal floating from place to place with only food on the mind. Trapped in a body that is forever morphing and growing larger!

It's like you're in your own horror movie. Knowing full well if you ever wake up from your self-induced trance of numbness, you will never recover from the shock, terror, and shame at the life you're living. So instead you swallow another bite, ignore the raw pain in your throat, and dread the fact that you'll be staring down the barrel of a toilet bowl in a few minutes. LOL

#JustEdThingz :P


I shower every 2 weeks or something, I never brush my teeth, if my mum didn't wash my clothes I would be wearing puke stained ones, my nails are always dirty and I leave oil and fat stains everywhere. I eat with my hands and even and when I am in front of people I can't eat like a normal person. It is embarrassing enough eating the most in family tables than any other member despite being the smaller one. The judgment, the looks and my behavior makes me want to die out of shame. Even and if I ever recover, like you said, I would be so ashamed of how I had been acting and treating other all those years. Bulimia has made me less of a human and a person.

Στάλθηκε από το MAR-LX1A μου χρησιμοποιώντας Tapatalk
  • bow and peach dreams like this
"I am not sure what I want, but I know
what everybody else wants for me,
and I know I don't want that."

#11 cheshire_kitten

cheshire_kitten

    Advanced Member

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPip
  • 111 posts

Posted 16 September 2020 - 01:30 AM

Exactly. The shame is incredibly strong. I have the luxury of living alone, but I have recently been confronted by my neighbour who sees me carrying out the trash from a binge every night while looking like an actual nightmare. Another neighbour (or maybe the same? idk) recently left me a leaflet about bulimia treatment in my mailbox and I am seriously considering moving out. Don't want to be confronted about my ED, especially not from strangers



#12 Rose Rain

Rose Rain

    Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1272 posts
  • LocationGreece

Posted 16 September 2020 - 01:41 AM

Exactly. The shame is incredibly strong. I have the luxury of living alone, but I have recently been confronted by my neighbour who sees me carrying out the trash from a binge every night while looking like an actual nightmare. Another neighbour (or maybe the same? idk) recently left me a leaflet about bulimia treatment in my mailbox and I am seriously considering moving out. Don't want to be confronted about my ED, especially not from strangers

They should mind their own business! If they make you feel uncomfortable the next time they say sth to you tell them. Don't move out. But I know damn well this feeling. I have been confronted from school teachers and relatives of course. The reason I cry 95% of times is embarrassment. The worst thing is that all the comments and looks and shame makes me somehow binge more.

Στάλθηκε από το MAR-LX1A μου χρησιμοποιώντας Tapatalk
  • chickenkenders likes this
"I am not sure what I want, but I know
what everybody else wants for me,
and I know I don't want that."

#13 whatsthename

whatsthename

    Advanced Guru

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 772 posts

Posted 16 September 2020 - 04:47 AM

lol i feel this. like walking around like a fucking torpedo. nothing stops me. i drive from place to place, spend hundreds of dollars a week, purge in public toilets. everything comes second to bulimia. its so shameful


  • bow likes this

#14 0pustyleb

0pustyleb

    Advanced Member

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPip
  • 80 posts

Posted 16 September 2020 - 06:18 AM

and the money spent on food uhhhh

#15 0pustyleb

0pustyleb

    Advanced Member

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPip
  • 80 posts

Posted 16 September 2020 - 06:23 AM

and the money spent on food uhhhh


0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users