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Feeling like such a bad mom right now


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#1 smoars

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Posted 01 October 2020 - 11:50 PM

This is all just so dumb, idk.

I think the main reason I'm feeling SO much worse at the moment is extremely bad PMS/PMDD, but still..

I'm like, not as present as I should be. I feel like shit a lot lately. Me and husband have been separated for months while he's been off being a drug addict and I've been raising our 1 year old by myself basically her entire life.

And that was FINE until my ed relapse got so out of control. I've been saying let me just reach my gw and then I'll maintain and it'll be fine. But it feels so out of control now, idk. I take all these supplements cause without them I tend to b/p which is worse than restricting for me personally. But they also make me not want to eat like anything at all.

I struggle so much with the all-or-nothing mentality.

It just all feels so stupid. I'm a grown-ass adult and a mom and this is what I spend 24/7 worrying about?? Chasing the high of seeing that number on the scale get lower and lower?

I've just been like getting by lately. Going to sleep has been the best part of every day. And when I wake up it's like, fuck it's already morning and I have a WHOLE NOTHER DAY ahead of me. Repeat xinfinity. I feel so bad that I feel like this. I haven't been like actively creating new activities for my daughter. I'm following the montessori philosophy and like I haven't even been rotating the toys on her shelf like I should be, I'm afraid she's bored often and I just feel like shit about it.

I'm just so tired and feel bad about so much so often. It's exhausting.
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#2 PixelCat

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Posted 02 October 2020 - 06:34 AM

Oh Mama, you have so much shit on your plate right now. You know what tells me that you are a good mum? The fact that you want to be, and worried that you aren’t. There is so much pressure to do all this fancy shit with your kids, when many babies would be happy to spend half an hour ripping up a cardboard box.

I had bad PND with both babies, and it’s fucking hard. But you aren’t alone, and help is out there. Be kind to yourself. <3
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#3 DeathSpells

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Posted 07 October 2020 - 06:49 PM

I feel you mama,
Currently in a similar situation of a never ending loop. Even worse is that one of my daughters sees me step on the scale but she thinks it’s for height :/
Just do your best,that’s all you can do.
I sometimes get hangry and catch myself being like that so I stop and go “no, I’m not going to let my shitty decisions be the reason why I’m getting short with my kids.” I hate myself for it, but you know what I’m doing what I can to make sure I’m doing what my kids need. And trying to remember they’re not this little for ever.
Maybe just have a day solely focused on switching the toys around, doing all the things you want to do for your kids, just one day out of the cycle.
Sorry not much help with advice as I’m in the same boat. Hope you feel a bit better soon x
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#4 MisdirectedMorgan

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Posted 12 October 2020 - 01:25 AM

First- HUGS. So freaking much on your plate!
Second- give yourself some grace. Is your daughter alive? Well fed? Bathed? Gets sleep every night (I mean, relatively speaking here)? Then you’re doing GREAT! She has toys... let her play with them until she doesn’t! I think you’re placing really high expectations for yourself- coming from someone that’s a pro at that herself. There’s always a MILLION things I COULD be doing better...
Rather than focusing on what you’re unable to accomplish (because of LIFE), perhaps you could simplify goals for yourself? Like, give it two weeks or a month to rotate out toys. And honestly, like someone else said, cardboard boxes or pots and pans will sub in brilliantly
More big hugs.


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#5 EDtrash#1

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Posted 31 October 2020 - 03:03 PM

i can tell just from reading this that you care SO MUCH. let me tell you that you're doing so much more than most mothers right now. you are a GOOD MOM. if you care enough to know about and implement Montessori (at least some of the time) i'm proud of you. we make a lot of mistakes but kids know if theyr'e loved and there's nothing more important than that


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#6 Sapphirejewel

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Posted 03 November 2020 - 06:31 PM

Wow! I had tears in my eyes as I read this and all of the comments to follow. Sometimes I feel so alone and like I am the only one on this site that has an ED and children. I felt very out of place until right now.
I just want to say that I applaud you for raising your daughter on your own and showing so much love and concern for her. You are a wonderful mom for caring so much about her. She is so young and everything is still so new to her, I'm sure that she is just busy exploring the world around her. Try not to stress about her being bored. You are doing great with her even if you don't see it right now.
I thank everyone for their kind words to OP and hope that you are all doing ok.
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#7 KoyaRose13

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Posted 10 November 2020 - 11:59 AM

A piece of advice that has stuck with me is that bad parents don't worry about whether or not they're a bad parent.

Live your own life, for you will assuredly die your own death.


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