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Thoughts/changes to this poem?


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#1 Existentialbread

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Posted 13 October 2020 - 08:05 PM

Wrote a poem I guess. I usually dont do poetry so looking for feedback or edits? Can't really ask anyone else for obv reasons

You ask
What's the cause of your stress
What can I do to help you hurt less, decompress
And why
Why do you think your mind's such a mess
After all
All of us have are flaws
All of us feel the grip of life's jaws
It's teeth sinking our hearts and it's paws tearing us with it's claws
You ask
What makes you think you have to go so far?
What makes you think you need to starve?

You say
Let me help you,
Eat for me.

If only it were that easy.

What you think that I think
What you think that I feel
It isn't real
I don't think that I'm fat
It's not as simple as that
You can't just hold up a mirror
And expect my perception to be clearer
There's nothing you can do or don't or can show
That will make me let this go
So here's what to know

That people like me
We feel this need
To be free
From this idea
Where we need to always have strive to be more
Where every challenge is a way to become better than before
It's what makes up our core
Echoed by every living man
Do the best that you can
Every ceaseless demand, it's just a part of life's plan

And I can't tell you why it feels so important to me
To aquiece every simple request
Trying so hard to be my best
And why it feels like I'm never enough
It's rough
Trying to never let anyone down
I feel like a clown
Trying to give all of myself to everything around
Picking up the pieces of myself from the ground
Then call my mom and dad, maintain every friendship I've had
Try to make people less sad
Run and practice and read to make myself feel less bad
While I lie
I hide
Throwing up food and wishing to die
Squash my desire to be free
Everyone's more important than me
You see?
So what what choice is there really
Should I up and just run?
Leave everyone and everything that matters to me to rot in the sun?
So I have to be more, for them, for everything that matters in the end.
On them, my sense of meaning depends.
More than stress, more than the mess, more than the guess that if I let everything go it'd be anything but lonliness.

But the thing is
The only way I've learned to be more
is to eat,
less.

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#2 Quinnix

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Posted 13 October 2020 - 08:19 PM

I like it a lot, I keep reading it as a rap tho lmao.

 

Th only line I don't really vibe with is the clown one because clowns are very memeish I guess and it kind of takes away from the seriousness I guess. But also what do I know? I am not creative. I think it is very good!


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#3 Existentialbread

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Posted 13 October 2020 - 08:23 PM

I like it a lot, I keep reading it as a rap tho lmao.

Th only line I don't really vibe with is the clown one because clowns are very memeish I guess and it kind of takes away from the seriousness I guess. But also what do I know? I am not creative. I think it is very good!

Yay thanks! Yeah I kinda read it as a rap too haha maybe I'll try and come up with something else for the clown line or replace it, thank you for helping!

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