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anyone else half want to be 'bad' enough to be hospitalised but also terrified of it?


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#1 AshOfTheLilacs

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 04:07 PM

It seems completely irrational to me but a tiny bit of me still wants it? Like I absolutely know that it would be horrible and I would want to be able to go home as soon as possible but yeah.

 

I got told in my appointment that if I collapsed I'd end up in hospital (I'm at way too high a weight for that to happen though?) and I was scared but also happy, it's fucked up.

 

I guess part of it is that if I actually was bad enough to end up in hospital I'd probably have reached my goal weight. Anyway, sorry for the rant.


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#2 AshOfTheLilacs

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 04:09 PM

it feels almost like I just want to copy people who have actually serious illnesses?


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#3 Gilraen

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 04:13 PM

Could it be that you feel like people around you would care only if you were hospitalized ? For me it is. I am also scared af, but a part of me will always want it.

It's not worth it. Your well being is the most important thing in this universe.

Stay safe.


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#4 AshOfTheLilacs

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 04:15 PM

I do feel like people around me care about me more the lower my weight is, I guess. Maybe related to that.


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#5 sewerside

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 04:31 PM

i feel the exact same. i literally feel like thats when ill get attention and thats when people will care, when im literally at my worst


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#6 weirdeq

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 04:33 PM

I think people more often then not are seeking validation that they actually have a problem


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#7 AshOfTheLilacs

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 04:39 PM

 

I think people more often then not are seeking validation that they actually have a problem

 

that makes a lot of sense, yes. there must be some better way than wasting medical resources to get it through my head though.


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#8 Dolly Cat

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 04:42 PM

Dude, hospitalization is my worst fear. Sometimes I catch myself considering what I’d do if I was being threatened with forced hospitalization.
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#9 sesame

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 04:45 PM

Yeah. After years of this, I'm finally actively seeking treatment. But I gained 5 lbs when I went to my GP. Add on 3 lbs of clothes and shoes, and she decided my weight wasn't low enough to be a concern. She wouldn't even listen to me saying I had issues with food. BMI was still in the 16s, but I guess because I'm naturally thin that's just fine.

But only 3 weeks before, I was in the ER 5 lbs thinner and the doctor there wanted me IP.

So I guess some sort of medical problem and hospitalization would be what's needed to actually get taken seriously enough and not have to fight with every professional I encounter to get help.
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#10 shannie

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 04:52 PM

Nope. Been there and I will never ever repeat that experience. I never want to put my family through that again. I promise, it’s nothing to romanticize!

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#11 AshOfTheLilacs

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 05:16 PM

In all honesty, I'm absolutely disgusted with myself that I feel like this. I guess maybe it's part of the disorder but either way it's horrible for people who've actually had those experiences and know how shit they are.


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#12 The Flower of Carnage

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 05:27 PM

Nope. Been hospitalised and it was awful. Hospital equals weight gain to me so I fear it.

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#13 The Flower of Carnage

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 05:28 PM

Dude, hospitalization is my worst fear. Sometimes I catch myself considering what I’d do if I was being threatened with forced hospitalization.

Same. I do everything I can to avoid it. That and doctors about my ED.
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#14 dead eternity

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 06:13 PM

i absolutely never wanna be hospitalized, but some part of me still wants to get "bad enough" so that people realize i actually have a problem and i'm not just pretending. but on the other hand i don't wanna make people worry because i don't wanna seem selfish. idk, it's complicated.


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#15 lowwe

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 06:16 PM

1000%. i have dreams about it sometimes. but i know in reality i would HATE being hospitalized and want out once i actually got there. either way i still wanna be THAT bad



#16 Want2bsmol

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 06:24 PM

Honestly same. I feel like its two fold. For one I feel like nobody will care until I do get hospitalized, bc in my opinion I've done everything that should make someone who cares about someone else "scared" ( so lol maybe I just don't have anyone who actually cares) but the second part is I feel like I'm faking it. Like I'm not really anorexic and I could probably stop anytime and this is all just for attention, but if I get hospitalized then that means I actually have a problem, and it's not just me being ridiculous. BUT at the same time like fuck being hospitalized I'm scared to death of that 


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#17 LilaLilly

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 06:37 PM

Yeah. I think for me its the feeling of validation. I'm more sick now than I was when I was at my lowest. But no one knows or cares because my weight is good. 


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#18 Court Jester

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 07:29 PM

me too, i’m actually feeling dread for the fact that i’m turning 18 in a few months because it lowers my chance of being forcefully hospitalized. For some reason my brain views it as a rite of passage. It’ll be a sign that i’m finally sick enough to be taken seriously.
but its mainly because I feel like no one takes my mental illness seriously so i feel like somehow they’ll finally understand if i was hospitalized? But, also I’m terrified of anyone finding out about my ED.


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#19 AshOfTheLilacs

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Posted 18 October 2020 - 12:55 PM

Honestly same. I feel like its two fold. For one I feel like nobody will care until I do get hospitalized, bc in my opinion I've done everything that should make someone who cares about someone else "scared" ( so lol maybe I just don't have anyone who actually cares) but the second part is I feel like I'm faking it. Like I'm not really anorexic and I could probably stop anytime and this is all just for attention, but if I get hospitalized then that means I actually have a problem, and it's not just me being ridiculous. BUT at the same time like fuck being hospitalized I'm scared to death of that 

this, this is exactly what I'm talking about


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#20 Behappy:)

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Posted 18 October 2020 - 12:58 PM

My god yes.. I miss inpatient!!!


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