Right... I'm not sure where to put this but I guess it links into health so maybe it belongs here?
This whole pandemic has ruined plans for a lot of people, myself included and it meant that university lectures are now all being done online. I guess it has some positives as it means people can sort of move at their own pace but being stuck at home for so long is making me go insane.
I gained weight during lockdown (got up to my highest weight) then I lost it very fast... sort of last minute because I began to panic realising I will actually have to see my friends at some stage and I can't allow myself to go out looking like this...
I'm slowly moving back down to what's a relatively low weight for me and though I feel okay with the way I look and I'm in this comfortable territory, I don't feel like myself.
The days are all merging together and I'm doing everything without putting any thought into it. Daily tasks are just being done on autopilot and though I talk to my family and have meals with my parents and crack a few jokes here and there I just don't feel anything. I'm constantly numb and I haven't felt this bad since 2018 and it's scary being in this emotional state of being again.
For a while now I've been prioritising my weight over everything. I eat one meal a day with my parents when they get home from work and I spend the majority of my day obsessing over food, just thinking about it all the time and it's driving me crazy. Sometimes it's so bad I even get scared to drink too much water because I don't want to gain water weight. I know I can't maintain this and eventually I will slow down but now I'm just stuck.
But today has really pushed me over the edge. I was supposed to meet up with my best friend tomorrow and he cancelled for the second time (not his fault... life just got in the way) and I was so looking forward to tomorrow because I just wanted to have a normal day and talk about random things and I guess in a sense press a reset button and slowly go back to normal the next day.
I told him everything is fine and so we rescheduled for next week. I'm already thinking about how much weight I can lose in this week and though I'm physically and mentally exhausted I can't stop.
I had this strange breakdown today and I just couldn't stop crying and I have no friends in real life that know about my eating disorder so I can't talk to anyone in real life and it just hit me today how I'm sort of alone?
This was a really long ramble but I guess I just wanted to ask how do people cope? How do people force themselves into having a productive day because right now this eating disorder has swallowed me whole.