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This is 30 - Having an ED in Your Thirties MEGATHREAD


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#21 Pills.and.Porcelain

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Posted 12 November 2020 - 12:11 AM

Can we, just briefly, talk about what nobody talks about ANYWHERE else on MPA until a few of you beauties were brave enough to mention?

What actually happened to my face?

I find myself staring into the mirror as if the deep depths of oblivion crept into my soul while I was sleeping and sucked the collagen out with a cocktail straw.
Sometimes Ill just hold up different parts of my face, where I remember they used to be (they DID used to be there, right?)
like my skin were modeling clay and I can train it back into position if it would just stop being such a fucking asshole.

And this is only 36.
I have also, mind you, hit my lowest weight during covid. And apparently when women "reach a certain age" you have to choose between body and face. Dehydration, lax, yo-yoing: all pretty terrible for the the skin.
Well isnt that some bullshit.
We work REALLY fucking hard.
Call it mental illness, call it self destruction, or even self harm; aside from professional athletes I cannot think of ANYONE that works harder on their body and self discipline than the Eating Disordered.
So when we reach our thirties, after years of torture, I feel like we have earned a God. Damn. Break.

*Le Sigh*
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"I'm afraid we have a slight...apocalypse."

*​**********************************************

5'7" CW:110.4lbs BMI:17.3

****************************************

HW: 140lbs (21.9)

LW: 105.4 (16.5)

CW: 110.4 (17.3)

GW5: 105lbs (16.4)

UGW: 100lbs (15.7)


*************************************************

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#22 Greyish

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Posted 13 November 2020 - 03:11 PM

The problem with turning 30 isn't just the ageing or that women are only attractive during their 20ies.

 

The problem is the fact that every decision has life long consequences.

Changing your career path at 20? Easy. Do it twice. Still easy. You are young, still living with your parents.

At 30? You don't live with your parents anymore, food and shelter costs money. You might not have the energy to study hours and hours on end and you probably have to work a shitty job on top of that.

Where do you want to live? At 20 you study abroad to see the world. Work as Au pair or whatever. At 30 you thinking about buying a house (which house? Where? Do you really want to pay for mortgage?).

So you don't know if you want kids? At 20 you still got time... years! At 30 not so much. But are you really ready for kids? Are you sure you want them? At 20 you have a boyfriend. If it doesn't work out, you'll find another guy. At 30 you are probably married. Doesn't work out? You better make it work out, because divorce is shit.

 

You can't just switch paths (I mean... you can, but at what costs?)

 

And yes on top of that you gain weight easily and your face gets droopy.

 

I am turning 33 in January.


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#23 PixelCat

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Posted 14 November 2020 - 07:39 PM

Can we, just briefly, talk about what nobody talks about ANYWHERE else on MPA until a few of you beauties were brave enough to mention?
What actually happened to my face?
I find myself staring into the mirror as if the deep depths of oblivion crept into my soul while I was sleeping and sucked the collagen out with a cocktail straw.
Sometimes Ill just hold up different parts of my face, where I remember they used to be (they DID used to be there, right?)
like my skin were modeling clay and I can train it back into position if it would just stop being such a fucking asshole.
And this is only 36.
I have also, mind you, hit my lowest weight during covid. And apparently when women "reach a certain age" you have to choose between body and face. Dehydration, lax, yo-yoing: all pretty terrible for the the skin.
Well isnt that some bullshit.
We work REALLY fucking hard.
Call it mental illness, call it self destruction, or even self harm; aside from professional athletes I cannot think of ANYONE that works harder on their body and self discipline than the Eating Disordered.
So when we reach our thirties, after years of torture, I feel like we have earned a God. Damn. Break.
*Le Sigh*


I feeeeeeel you. My face is pretty shit, annoying pigmentation. Skin on other parts of my body is still young looking, it could be sun damage.
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Am I PixelWhore or WhoreCat?

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#24 nevven

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Posted 14 November 2020 - 09:59 PM

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accountability / bmi 15s 16s


#25 NinjaWorm

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Posted 15 November 2020 - 02:25 AM

I am happy to see people posting in here again. I stopped visiting this part of the site for awhile bc I felt like I was talking to myself. I miss having people to relate to...
Thank you for starting this up again.

I am a lifer too...first diet age 7. The rest is history...I am so sad when I realize how old I am and how I'm not getting any prettier...Even if i lost 20 lbs, im not gonna be prettier and more youthful, desired, or vibrant.I am so sad when I think about how I've never reached my goal weight and just wasted my life waiting until I did. Putting things off "until I am ____lbs"...look at me now...Im 36 hanging out in a pro Ana community bc no one else in the world relates to or knows me...I'm so lonely. Not what I had in mind for my 30s.
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BE BETTER.
BE BETTER.
BE.BETTER.
YOU CAN. YOU WILL. YOU DO.

HW-150
CW-116
LW-97
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#26 Greyish

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Posted 15 November 2020 - 02:39 AM

I am happy to see people posting in here again. I stopped visiting this part of the site for awhile bc I felt like I was talking to myself. I miss having people to relate to...
Thank you for starting this up again.

I am a lifer too...first diet age 7. The rest is history...I am so sad when I realize how old I am and how I'm not getting any prettier...Even if i lost 20 lbs, im not gonna be prettier and more youthful, desired, or vibrant.I am so sad when I think about how I've never reached my goal weight and just wasted my life waiting until I did. Putting things off "until I am ____lbs"...look at me now...Im 36 hanging out in a pro Ana community bc no one else in the world relates to or knows me...I'm so lonely. Not what I had in mind for my 30s.

hmmm... I feel like you are way too hard on yourself. First of all we are not ugly because we are in our 30ies. There are way older people than us who look vibrant. And so can we! ED are devastating on the body, that is true. However, there are a lot of things, that can help with how vibrant we look (enough water, good skin care, cardio, good sleep, nutrient dense foods, no smoking/drinking/drugs).

 

There is a model who started modeling at a very "old" age (like 50 or something)... she looks great! Wrinkles and droopy skin isn't ugly per se. It is more about how you carry yourself and how much you care for yourself.

 

And there is nothing bad in hanging out with other ED people. After all healthy people just don't get it and this community helps me (at least) to not feel so alone in this.


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#27 NinjaWorm

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Posted 15 November 2020 - 11:54 PM

Greyish- yeah I'm pretty hard on myself bc that's how I feel and that's what I believe for myself. It's kind of in my face and everyone else's everyday of our lives.
It sucks. I wish I wasn't me... But I am. So what to do...
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BE BETTER.
BE BETTER.
BE.BETTER.
YOU CAN. YOU WILL. YOU DO.

HW-150
CW-116
LW-97
GW-107

#28 Pills.and.Porcelain

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Posted 16 November 2020 - 11:24 PM

I am absolutely not where I hoped I would be in life in my mid 30s. But in weird wsys Im a lot happier. Yeah Im broke, and living with Mum as her caregiver (stg 4 met breast cancer), bartending to pay bills, not using my very expensive honours degree and forever chasing that elusive perfect goal weight but....wait...what was I saying?

I am definitely more sure of who I am. And if an eating disorder happens to factor into that, so be it. I think I remember my 20s a little more fondly than they actually were. I had no CLUE who I was.
I have priorities now. They may be distorted in someone else's eyes, but they're mine.
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"I'm afraid we have a slight...apocalypse."

*​**********************************************

5'7" CW:110.4lbs BMI:17.3

****************************************

HW: 140lbs (21.9)

LW: 105.4 (16.5)

CW: 110.4 (17.3)

GW5: 105lbs (16.4)

UGW: 100lbs (15.7)


*************************************************

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#29 SkinnyDayDreaming

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Posted 29 November 2020 - 12:16 PM

Stumbled on this by accident and I’m so glad I did! Just turned 30 a few weeks ago. It’s funny how once you hit 30 you’re just supposed to have your shit together. Like automatically you’re “cured” of any and all issues. What’s weird for me is I’ve done everything I thought I would by 30. A degree, a house, a spouse and children. But it only makes me hate myself slightly less. None of it means anything unless I look the part. You know what I mean? Like if I’m not what I should be then I’ll always be worthless.

Let’s please keep this topic alive!!
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#30 VioletSkyy

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Posted 01 December 2020 - 05:31 PM

Things are def. different, fasting for one is not like it was at 20 haha. fml.... brain not working please try again later.


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...::Change happens when the pain of change is less than the pain of remaining the same::...

...stats moved to profile...

UGW - who fucking knows?

 

Do it for yourself first.


#31 SkinnyDayDreaming

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Posted 01 December 2020 - 06:39 PM

Things are def. different, fasting for one is not like it was at 20 haha. fml.... brain not working please try again later.


Sameee. Fasting kills me. I can do IF but thats all I can handle.
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#32 Pills.and.Porcelain

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Posted 03 December 2020 - 01:57 AM

Anyone else feel like once they start eating they cant stop? I always do OMAD and it has always worked for me in the past but lately I find once I have even a single bite of food I turn into some very graphic version of the Cookie Monster and just cannot turn off my hunger. As in, eating MAKES me hungry....
What fresh fucking hell is thaaaat?
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"I'm afraid we have a slight...apocalypse."

*​**********************************************

5'7" CW:110.4lbs BMI:17.3

****************************************

HW: 140lbs (21.9)

LW: 105.4 (16.5)

CW: 110.4 (17.3)

GW5: 105lbs (16.4)

UGW: 100lbs (15.7)


*************************************************

giphy.gif

#33 MmeFate

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Posted 03 December 2020 - 07:34 AM

Turned 30 earlier this year. I can relate to most of what you're all saying.

 

Especially the decisions part. I made some brutal ones this year. I stopped trying to get pregnant.. I tried for over a year with my husband (ex husband now). And that's the other part, I filed for divorce. So as sad as these things are, I'm actually at peace with them and having more of a DIRECTION than this pressuring weight coming down on me because "omg I'm 30!!! I need to have a child" is gone. No more living in limbo. It's fucking freedom. Nothing wrong with having them too, but I'm so glad the pressure is off. Though at 30, like you guys mentioned, there is that other pressure of "okay, so what do I do now? what do I do with my life? how do I make this happen?"....No one's going to help pick the pieces up for you. It's pretty hard to do at home during a pandemic locked in your apartment. On the upside, I'm pretty pleased with myself for getting a great job I can work from home during all this. Just taking it day by day. Beginning of the year though restriction definitely hit me in full force and I've had some purging moments but my body really doesn't handle that well like it used to. **TW** I guess don't read anymore maybe... but I turned to self harm again too sometimes. Punching myself, leaving bruises, cutting my stomach, upper arms etc. Just to feel some endorphins and release negative emotions. Sometimes restricting doesn't numb me enough. I find this part extra embarassing and I'm mentioning it because being in your 30s no one is going to think you cut yourself. To me that was more of a "high school thing". I'm happy with the direction of my life, I appear to have my shit together on the surface; but underneath there's this pain and I can hardly cope sometimes with all the change and pain I went through this year and previous ones (infertility before the pandemic and separation with my husband and the weight gain my thyroid caused back then... thankfully lost all that and more now).

 

Anyways, I guess my positive message is that we sometimes can be brutal with comparing ourselves thinking we are supposed to be at a certain point by now. I just want to say whether you've got a husband or wife and kids or you live alone with your cat or plants or if you live with your parents or roommates... you're doing your best, you're okay <3


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#34 MmeFate

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Posted 03 December 2020 - 07:39 AM

I am absolutely not where I hoped I would be in life in my mid 30s. But in weird wsys Im a lot happier. Yeah Im broke, and living with Mum as her caregiver (stg 4 met breast cancer), bartending to pay bills, not using my very expensive honours degree and forever chasing that elusive perfect goal weight but....wait...what was I saying?

I am definitely more sure of who I am. And if an eating disorder happens to factor into that, so be it. I think I remember my 20s a little more fondly than they actually were. I had no CLUE who I was.
I have priorities now. They may be distorted in someone else's eyes, but they're mine.

I'm glad you're happier. There's definitely a power in knowing yourself and a freedom.

 

Sorry about your Mum and good on you for caring for her. Sorry I don't know what else to say. You seem like a really good person


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#35 SkinnyDayDreaming

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Posted 03 December 2020 - 03:09 PM

Turned 30 earlier this year. I can relate to most of what you're all saying.

 

Especially the decisions part. I made some brutal ones this year. I stopped trying to get pregnant.. I tried for over a year with my husband (ex husband now). And that's the other part, I filed for divorce. So as sad as these things are, I'm actually at peace with them and having more of a DIRECTION than this pressuring weight coming down on me because "omg I'm 30!!! I need to have a child" is gone. No more living in limbo. It's fucking freedom. Nothing wrong with having them too, but I'm so glad the pressure is off. Though at 30, like you guys mentioned, there is that other pressure of "okay, so what do I do now? what do I do with my life? how do I make this happen?"....No one's going to help pick the pieces up for you. It's pretty hard to do at home during a pandemic locked in your apartment. On the upside, I'm pretty pleased with myself for getting a great job I can work from home during all this. Just taking it day by day. Beginning of the year though restriction definitely hit me in full force and I've had some purging moments but my body really doesn't handle that well like it used to. **TW** I guess don't read anymore maybe... but I turned to self harm again too sometimes. Punching myself, leaving bruises, cutting my stomach, upper arms etc. Just to feel some endorphins and release negative emotions. Sometimes restricting doesn't numb me enough. I find this part extra embarassing and I'm mentioning it because being in your 30s no one is going to think you cut yourself. To me that was more of a "high school thing". I'm happy with the direction of my life, I appear to have my shit together on the surface; but underneath there's this pain and I can hardly cope sometimes with all the change and pain I went through this year and previous ones (infertility before the pandemic and separation with my husband and the weight gain my thyroid caused back then... thankfully lost all that and more now).

 

Anyways, I guess my positive message is that we sometimes can be brutal with comparing ourselves thinking we are supposed to be at a certain point by now. I just want to say whether you've got a husband or wife and kids or you live alone with your cat or plants or if you live with your parents or roommates... you're doing your best, you're okay <3

 

Wow. You've been through a lot and are still going through a lot. Good for you though! I know you've gone back to SH but all things considered, you're doing amazingly well. I used to SH for years and I was always so embarrassed. The only reason I stopped is because of my OB visits when I was pregnant. Honestly, you're still so young. If you wanted to have kids later, you totally could. And if you don't, that's awesome. Either way, it's great to be at a time in your life where you can really be selfish in a good way. Enjoy the freedom, enjoy your independence and enjoy doing whatever the fuck you want. <3


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GW: X

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#36 SkinnyDayDreaming

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Posted 03 December 2020 - 03:12 PM

Anyone else feel like once they start eating they cant stop? I always do OMAD and it has always worked for me in the past but lately I find once I have even a single bite of food I turn into some very graphic version of the Cookie Monster and just cannot turn off my hunger. As in, eating MAKES me hungry....
What fresh fucking hell is thaaaat?

 

Hahaha! Thank you for the visual. I was having the same problem this year. The only thing that actually worked for me, which is not an option for everyone, is cutting out sugar and carbs. It is a complete bitch to do but once you get into it, the cravings are almost all gone. My appetite is a joke now too. I feel like a lot of it has to do with age unfortunately. We have to switch it up now since our bodies are not as resilient. 


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GW: X

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#37 Pills.and.Porcelain

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Posted 03 December 2020 - 09:42 PM

Hahaha! Thank you for the visual. I was having the same problem this year. The only thing that actually worked for me, which is not an option for everyone, is cutting out sugar and carbs. It is a complete bitch to do but once you get into it, the cravings are almost all gone. My appetite is a joke now too. I feel like a lot of it has to do with age unfortunately. We have to switch it up now since our bodies are not as resilient.


Yep. Sugar. You beautiful Godless bitch.

Youre so right. Simple carbs lead me to more simple carbs. Bc of all the shit thats wrong with my tummy, I eat about 90% Gluten, dairy, sugar, processed and meat free. I leave about a 10% allowance for the essentials like diet soda, energy drinks, sf gum, jello...you get it.
And I dont count my binges in this bc theyre about once every week or two (and I dont count anything when I binge bc Im pretty sure I blackout until waking up in a sea full of takeout bags, candy wrappers and shame).
But even things like my 100cal Odoughs bagel thins, or carefully weighed out cinnamon chex...or even something as simple as rice cakes - Makes. Me. Want. More.
Ive cut out grains before. And I KNOW its going to be instrumental in finally breaking this plateau.
I just need some serious motivation.

Dear Goddess, please stop dangling the world's delicious industrialized creations in my face. I'm weak. And while you're at it, can you make a grapefruit taste like a slice of pizza? Blessed Be.
  • SkinnyDayDreaming likes this

"I'm afraid we have a slight...apocalypse."

*​**********************************************

5'7" CW:110.4lbs BMI:17.3

****************************************

HW: 140lbs (21.9)

LW: 105.4 (16.5)

CW: 110.4 (17.3)

GW5: 105lbs (16.4)

UGW: 100lbs (15.7)


*************************************************

giphy.gif

#38 Pills.and.Porcelain

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Posted 03 December 2020 - 10:10 PM

I, personally, need to be reminded of my motivation (or any motivation it seems) to lose on a constant basis. My brain gets schizophrenic a dozen times a day between "fuck it!" and "what the fuck are you fucking doing you water retaining sea cow?!"...Thankfully most of that just happens inside the noggin and I dont act on ever single disgusting impulse.
But my momentum has waned a bit, the closer I get to my goal weight.

So, here it is:
- When I eat, I feel physically ill. I have safe foods that are safe bc they actually make me feel WELL after eating them (and obvs not like Im falling over my leggings)
- I feel physically GROSS with a full tummy.
- I ENJOY feeling empty. On that note, If youd like to hear my PSA on how to abuse magnesium oxide as a laxative, hit me up.
- I am single. Yep, shocking right? And while the pandemic isnt an *ideal* time to be searching for randos for casual sex, I do keep a couple options on the backburner for desperate times such as these and if I cannot stand the sight of my own naked body in a mirror, Im not likely to open up the little black book when Im feeling aggressively lonely
-Goal Weight. That is all.

Anyone else have a desire to share their motivation? I realize how much mine has changed since 15 and think it's likely a topic of interest for us dirty-thirty-somethings.
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"I'm afraid we have a slight...apocalypse."

*​**********************************************

5'7" CW:110.4lbs BMI:17.3

****************************************

HW: 140lbs (21.9)

LW: 105.4 (16.5)

CW: 110.4 (17.3)

GW5: 105lbs (16.4)

UGW: 100lbs (15.7)


*************************************************

giphy.gif

#39 gracieux

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Posted 03 December 2020 - 10:51 PM

I just turned thirty this year and it definitely hit me harder than I thought it would.  You don't always feel your age, but years are years.  I am working full-time and still in school (because ED & other mental health issues derailed that for a long time) and definitely not where I thought I'd be.  But I also thought I'd be dead by 18, then 21, then 25 ... so there's that.  Sadly, it's come to the point for me where I feel like I tried recovery - I truly did - and now I'm going back to this.  There's a lot of reasons for that decision, and it's certainly odd to realize I'm a lifer (eating issues began at 8, full blown ED by 15). 

 

Happy for the camaraderie on this thread. 


Female 30 years old 

HW: (BMI 19.5)

LW: (BMI 14.6)

CW: (BMI 18.0)

 


#40 noaudience

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Posted 04 December 2020 - 04:18 AM

32 here. Pregnant as well which has totally thrown my body and mind for a loop. I know.im going to relapse hard once I have my baby but I feel like I won't have to deal with threats of hospitalization due to my age. Recovery seems more for the 15-25 year old clan for the most part. By your 30s it's kinda like you deal with it as best as you can while maintaining work, kids, money, house etc. There isn't the "option" to just drop the ball because too many people depend on u.
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Height: 5'6

HW - 150

LW - 89

CW - 105.4

GW1 - 130

GW1 - 120

GW2 - 110

GW3 - 100

GW4 - 90

UGW - 80



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