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This is 30 - Having an ED in Your Thirties MEGATHREAD


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#41 MmeFate

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Posted 04 December 2020 - 07:05 AM

Wow. You've been through a lot and are still going through a lot. Good for you though! I know you've gone back to SH but all things considered, you're doing amazingly well. I used to SH for years and I was always so embarrassed. The only reason I stopped is because of my OB visits when I was pregnant. Honestly, you're still so young. If you wanted to have kids later, you totally could. And if you don't, that's awesome. Either way, it's great to be at a time in your life where you can really be selfish in a good way. Enjoy the freedom, enjoy your independence and enjoy doing whatever the fuck you want. <3

Thanks, you're really kind. I'm glad you were able to stop SH for you and your baby. I stopped years ago and would maybe relapse x1 a year after that but sometimes shit happens and I guess you get the undertow. I'm sure I'll crawl out again eventually.

 

Hope you're doing well this year. At least this year's almost over, so maybe next one will be a bit more normal.. I like to think so. And thank you for saying I'm doing amazing... sounds stupid but sometimes it helps to have that outside perspective (I don't often reveal this info to those I'm closest to IRL) and I really appreciate that a lot <3


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#42 Greyish

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Posted 04 December 2020 - 02:13 PM

Just letting everybody know that I am in a weird mood and listening to 90ies hit songs - hehe.

 

I think I can't pass that big exam I have in march and will try it in august instead (decided to go to university again two years ago to change career). I am both disappointed and relieved.


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#43 SkinnyDayDreaming

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Posted 04 December 2020 - 03:32 PM

Thanks, you're really kind. I'm glad you were able to stop SH for you and your baby. I stopped years ago and would maybe relapse x1 a year after that but sometimes shit happens and I guess you get the undertow. I'm sure I'll crawl out again eventually.

 

Hope you're doing well this year. At least this year's almost over, so maybe next one will be a bit more normal.. I like to think so. And thank you for saying I'm doing amazing... sounds stupid but sometimes it helps to have that outside perspective (I don't often reveal this info to those I'm closest to IRL) and I really appreciate that a lot <3

 

Thanks! I've had a couple more kids since then. Yeah, you'll pull out of it eventually. Seriously. I'm so glad it's almost over. Next year will be better just because it's not this year. I totally get the perspective thing. It definitely helps, especially when we get so into our heads. <3


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#44 SkinnyDayDreaming

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Posted 04 December 2020 - 03:38 PM

32 here. Pregnant as well which has totally thrown my body and mind for a loop. I know.im going to relapse hard once I have my baby but I feel like I won't have to deal with threats of hospitalization due to my age. Recovery seems more for the 15-25 year old clan for the most part. By your 30s it's kinda like you deal with it as best as you can while maintaining work, kids, money, house etc. There isn't the "option" to just drop the ball because too many people depend on u.

 

Literally what I'm going through. I had my most recent baby earlier this year and now that I've decided to be done for awhile, the flood gates have opened. Life is just so stressful. It's horrible but I can literally be freaking out and calm myself down by just thinking, "It's fine, you didn't eat today, you can work out later, don't think about life." On another note, congratulations on your future little one!


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#45 Mayル

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Posted 04 December 2020 - 05:52 PM

Just turned 30 in September. Really had hoped I would have lost the weight by now, but here we are. I still don't feel like a 'proper adult'...


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#46 EternalLove

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Posted 06 December 2020 - 06:03 PM

Can we, just briefly, talk about what nobody talks about ANYWHERE else on MPA until a few of you beauties were brave enough to mention?

What actually happened to my face?

I find myself staring into the mirror as if the deep depths of oblivion crept into my soul while I was sleeping and sucked the collagen out with a cocktail straw.
Sometimes Ill just hold up different parts of my face, where I remember they used to be (they DID used to be there, right?)
like my skin were modeling clay and I can train it back into position if it would just stop being such a fucking asshole.

And this is only 36.
I have also, mind you, hit my lowest weight during covid. And apparently when women "reach a certain age" you have to choose between body and face. Dehydration, lax, yo-yoing: all pretty terrible for the the skin.
Well isnt that some bullshit.
We work REALLY fucking hard.
Call it mental illness, call it self destruction, or even self harm; aside from professional athletes I cannot think of ANYONE that works harder on their body and self discipline than the Eating Disordered.
So when we reach our thirties, after years of torture, I feel like we have earned a God. Damn. Break.

*Le Sigh*


Preach it 🙏

I felt this in every ounce of my being. I'm 37 and I have dedicated most of my life to this fucking disorder. When does it end?
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SW: 154lbs
GW1: 150lbs
GW2: 145lbs
GW3: 140lbs
GW4: 135lbs
GW5: 130lbs
GW6: 125lbs
GW7: 120lbs
GW8: 115lbs
UGW: 105lbs

CW: 119.8lbs

Height: 5'10"

#47 EternalLove

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Posted 06 December 2020 - 06:11 PM

I'm 37, my mum is living with me because she can't look after herself, I have a 9 year old daughter, a wasted accountancy degree working in a bakers. I'm an alcoholic engaged to a man who is delusional that he's not an alcoholic. I've had an eating disorder since I was 14 and my life is going to shit. I live for my little girl, she keeps me going. I hide my disorder and act normal for her. If it wasn't for her, I would've gave up long ago.
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SW: 154lbs
GW1: 150lbs
GW2: 145lbs
GW3: 140lbs
GW4: 135lbs
GW5: 130lbs
GW6: 125lbs
GW7: 120lbs
GW8: 115lbs
UGW: 105lbs

CW: 119.8lbs

Height: 5'10"

#48 BeautyAt110

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Posted 13 December 2020 - 09:34 PM

Something that struck me recently is that, if you're in your 30's, you lived through the "golden age" of proana. You most likely cut your teeth on Ana's Underground Grotto and Blue Dragonfly, and collected new Livejournal communities like stamps; thinspo communities full of celebrities that have now aged out; replaced by Instagram and TikTok models. We lived through a seismic shift in what is considered the Ideal Body; stick-thin thigh-gap lovelies stepped daintily into the background to allow the Age of Thicc to have its moment in the spotlight. Some of us may never have imagined a day when thinness wouldn't be considered Society's shining ideal; yet, here we are. And in ten more years, it'll change again, and again.

I know it's sick to be nostalgic for such a deathly ideal, but Lord knows I miss it.
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#49 SkinnyDayDreaming

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Posted 13 December 2020 - 09:49 PM

Something that struck me recently is that, if you're in your 30's, you lived through the "golden age" of proana. You most likely cut your teeth on Ana's Underground Grotto and Blue Dragonfly, and collected new Livejournal communities like stamps; thinspo communities full of celebrities that have now aged out; replaced by Instagram and TikTok models. We lived through a seismic shift in what is considered the Ideal Body; stick-thin thigh-gap lovelies stepped daintily into the background to allow the Age of Thicc to have its moment in the spotlight. Some of us may never have imagined a day when thinness wouldn't be considered Society's shining ideal; yet, here we are. And in ten more years, it'll change again, and again.

I know it's sick to be nostalgic for such a deathly ideal, but Lord knows I miss it.


🙌🏼 That was crazy nostalgic. 💜
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#50 mythics

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Posted 16 December 2020 - 07:45 AM

I turned 30 over the summer. Been dealing with ED and other things since I was about 10. I also had my son, and losing the baby weight has been driving me absolutely mad. I'm down 25lbs and have way more to go before I'll ever be comfortable again. I was all my goals before my pregnancy, now I'm the exact opposite
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                         ﹁

rebuilding myself

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#51 AmethystAna

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Posted 17 December 2020 - 03:17 AM

I’m 39. I still feel 25. I think my mental health has robbed me of years. I am looking at my family and friends who seem to have all that I want. I can’t afford my apartment let alone a house. I am utterly alone. Stuck in a dead end job. Isn’t life grand?


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#52 babyautomata

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Posted 17 December 2020 - 11:42 AM

Hey, I turned 30 in May and I feel wayyyyy too old to be here. Nice to have company though.


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Way too old to be here...

 


#53 English_Rose

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Posted 17 December 2020 - 12:13 PM

I don't officially have an ED. But I started to gain weight a few years ago. I had always been sort of underweight and never really restricted in my life. But I have somewhat of a stubborn personality. whereas some people might have let things go and just accepted it I tried hard to lose..but I think I screwed up my metabolism and since I never really learned to diet or restrict at ALL when I was younger ( I was the opposite actually, and wanted to gain a little weight) it's hard to be disciplined with food like a lot of people are. 

 

So I Iost what I wanted to, and gained back because of this.. I was also living with someone for awhile who literally did not give a shit about his food choices and was a compulsive overeater. That probably contributed to gaining back.

Realistically I just want to be around 120 lbs and fit ( I have muscle and can feel it, I'm also a lot stronger physically than when I couldn't gain weight for the life of me) 

 

I just really want to lose about 15lbs and I realize that I'm probably not going about it the "safe" way ie: sticking to 1400 calories a day and going to the gym. I am starting to eat a lot LESS than that and walk a LOT (like 2+hours a day) the reason being is that the "safe" way has not worked for me.. I'm frustrated with my doctor because he has said that it's normal to gain 20 or 30 lbs out of the blue when you turn 30 and rushed me out of his office. 


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Highest weight : 145

Current weight : 135

GW1: 135 

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#54 FacebookMadeMeAna

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Posted 18 December 2020 - 12:11 PM

*waves from 48* I had an ED as a kid and it wore off/went underground in my 20s, but at age 38 it came back with a vengeance after I hit my high weight and late 30s angst and health shit kicked in. It's more common that the media/mainstream wants to admit. Occasionally they have an article about it in between the "EDs are for hot white teens" stuff.


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#55 /magic.bird./

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Posted 18 December 2020 - 09:59 PM

So thoughts on having an ED in my 30’s. It’s like I’m half recovered, because my ED in my late teens & early 20’s were so strict. In my late twenties I learned self-love and positive affirmations. Which definitely made a difference in my self-recovery. But at the same time, I have moments where I want to restrict. And with the cold weather I just want a warm meal. When I’m with my boyfriend, he’s all about us eating a normal meal. Like, I want to have that normal girl life, but also want to restrict and do MY thing at the same time. It’s like trying to discover a balance. I’m 10 lbs more than I used to be. But since Covid, moving in with my parents and not seeing my boyfriend face to face at the moment, has been great. I’ve already lost the stubborn 5 lbs I have been trying to lose. And now working losing another 5 lbs.
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#56 AmethystAna

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Posted 19 December 2020 - 03:23 AM

So thoughts on having an ED in my 30’s. It’s like I’m half recovered, because my ED in my late teens & early 20’s were so strict. In my late twenties I learned self-love and positive affirmations. Which definitely made a difference in my self-recovery. But at the same time, I have moments where I want to restrict. And with the cold weather I just want a warm meal. When I’m with my boyfriend, he’s all about us eating a normal meal. Like, I want to have that normal girl life, but also want to restrict and do MY thing at the same time. It’s like trying to discover a balance. I’m 10 lbs more than I used to be. But since Covid, moving in with my parents and not seeing my boyfriend face to face at the moment, has been great. I’ve already lost the stubborn 5 lbs I have been trying to lose. And now working losing another 5 lbs.


Yeah that is kind of where I am too. Recovered so relapse does not look like it did in my strict teen and 20s years.


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#57 Jay Jay

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Posted 19 December 2020 - 06:55 PM

I appreciate you all more than you know (well, you prob do) and feel you so deeply on your reflections.

 

I'm new to this forum but definitely not new to this lovely/crazy thing we called EDs. I'm 33 but is it possible to feel 83? Every day there's a new ache that's replaced the other. Every other Tuesday I can't turn my neck. Every morning I wake up with terrible lower back pain. Bodes well for my future. My teeth are gnarly—not only from purging, that started as a teenager, but years of smoking and alcoholism (4 years sober now!!) and not brushing for, like, days at a time in my 20s???

 

What happened to that sense of invincibility? Resiliency? Now god is laughing in my face.

 

I'm also married which is wonderful in many ways, but horrible for my self-destructive habits (aka my little shop of lovelies). I don't often want to SH but when I do, I have to be as discreet as fucking possible because he's going to eventually see it, no matter my attempts to hide—for example, one time he woke me up because from the way I was sleeping, my shorts rode up and he spotted the scar on my thigh. Also he is WORKING FROM HOME NOW, so I can't fucking purge in peace and have to wait till he's asleep, which means I don't get to bed till wee hours. Which just fuels the dilapidation of my bones and body. And I can't stock the fridge with coc water, pedialyte or the sorts, because he knows my history and knows all my little tricks. Lost there but what can you do?

 

I just thought I'd have all this sorted by now and be able to maintain some semblance of a 'normal' life? HA HA ON ME.

 

Thank you for starting this thread and for letting me vent. I'm grateful grateful grateful.

 

—JJ


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#58 Steffide

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Posted 23 December 2020 - 12:31 PM

Everything here is so relatable (36). chronic illness is a bitch, it used to be so easy to lose. Even with fasting and omad i lose at a slugs pace, only to gain it right back if i blink. Also... black coffee sucks.
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#59 Jay Jay

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Posted 27 December 2020 - 08:16 PM

Anyone else feel too ancient to understand what these youths are jabbering on about with their kiks and discords and tapatalks and whatnot? no? just me?

 

time for my calcium pills

 

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#60 JustHold

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Posted 28 December 2020 - 01:16 AM

I turn 32 soon. I never imagined I would have a successful career as an ICU nurse, own my own home, be financially secure and still have this damn eating disorder. To be honest, I never intended to live this long and had several unsuccessful suicide attempts along the way.
I am the product of growing up with an alcoholic mother and a workaholic - emotionally removed father. The emotional abuse from both has yet to be “dealt” with on my behalf.
Diagnosed with MDD, GAD, C-PTSD, AN-R and in my early 20s got slapped with BPD/Bipolar 2 which have both fallen away as I have gotten older.

My first memories of disordered eating are about 12/13yr old. And continued on and off through high school. I dropped a large amount of weight my freshman year of college and things really continued from there. My lowest was my Jr year when I dropped out midway through spring semester because I couldn’t manage a full time eating disorder and nursing school. I re-enrolled in Fall but was still in treatment. Ultimately I was in treatment for 3 solid years making little progress. I started to move away from treatment and do shit on my own. And did find recovery and freedom from ED thoughts/behavior for ~3yrs. Then I found myself in a relationship with someone who ultimately raped me. The downward spiral began and has continued up to this present time.
I am back in therapy. It feels so ridiculous to be almost 32 fighting this stupid ED again. I feel like a failure. Yet externally no one is wiser. As a nurse scrubs hide everything. I only eat on my work days so I don’t pass out. Covid in the icu and all the death doesn’t help anything.

So yup. Awesome relapse. Convinced this is just my life. Only now it’s impossible to lose weight because I’ve fucked up my metabolism so badly.
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Continuing to work on recovery

 

 

 



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