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This is 30 - Having an ED in Your Thirties MEGATHREAD


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#101 lucent

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Posted 22 February 2021 - 05:46 AM

life goals :D

Happy Birthday :)

And minimalism is the way, if you ask me! There is no way you can keep a functioning household while having so much stuff you could fill a second house with it. I do a 10 min speed clean every day and 2 hours of cleaning once a week. It is easy to manage a household if there aren't too many things in it!


I have SO much stuff! I would love to get into minimalism but I honestly need to order a skip bin to throw all my junk out first


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#102 idontcareifithurts

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Posted 22 February 2021 - 07:20 AM

[quote name="lucent" post="74414271" timestamp="1613990247"]Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk[/quote]

No worries, you need to write after the [quote] box if you want it to show up not inside the quote.

My doctors are investigating for possible AS, but honestly, I’ve been through so many so far and I’m not hopeful they’ll find anything since I’m HLA-B27 negative, so it has to be seen in X-rays or MRI here for them to give a shit I’m currently on lyrica which is helping a lot with my daytime pain but that morning wake up pain is something else! I’m so sorry for your pain

Oh gosh, I wish I only had the ED to worry about too! It is just so much altogether, but it’s not really something one can control, sadly.


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#103 Greyish

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Posted 22 February 2021 - 12:20 PM

I have SO much stuff! I would love to get into minimalism but I honestly need to order a skip bin to throw all my junk out first


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well it is a great thing to do to keep distracted. And you can use a laundry basket for stuff you are going to throw out. For the stuff you are going to sell you could just choose a corner of one room. It took me three months to clear everything out :)


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#104 x_Mads_Luna_x

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Posted 23 February 2021 - 07:05 PM

Turning 30 this year and freaking out about it TBH. 


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“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. 

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, s t a r v i n g to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.

 

I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”


― Plath

 

 


#105 Pills.and.Porcelain

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Posted 28 February 2021 - 12:08 AM

I am currently in this Goddess-awful Binge cycle. It started when I hit my lowest weight (to date) and I know this cant be true but I almost thought it was my body saying "eat some fucking calories and grow the fuck up".

Does anyone else binge AND restrict? Furthermore, is it very normal that I don't have specific trigger foods? I feel like I always hear about ppl having trigger foods...either 1 or 2...or a handful of things they always stick to for binges.
Ive often allowed myself binge days. I actually find them quite helpful (especially at my "mature" age of 36 and with my metabolism that's about as fast as molasses trickling uphill). Like a hard reset every couple of weeks.
But a couple of things to note:
1. This binge has lasted about 8 days. Each day starts with a fast from 3am until about 5pm when I have a piece of fruit. And then that piece of fruit fucks with my brainsss and tells them "now you must eat ALL THE THINGS THERE EVER WERE"
*I have always done OMAD, eating my meal around midnight but in trying out "recovery" have attempted small snacks throughout the day but I cant get out of that ALL-OR-NOTHING frame of mind so as soon as I have calories that OMAD turns into a 12 hour GD meal.
2. Ive never had specific foods that I binge on or that send me down that rabbit hole of despair. One night it's pizza, then it's pasta...but sometimes Ill just binge by overeating 3000 calories of "health foods". Today I ate a whole double package of 15cal/slice turkey with mustard followed by 3 boxes of 90cal "Made Good" bars. Like...why?

Anyone else do this? Manage to a)binge for DAYS at a time and b ) binge on anything/everything but no ONE thing in particular?
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"I'm afraid we have a slight...apocalypse."

*​**********************************************

5'7" CW:110.4lbs BMI:17.3

****************************************

HW: 140lbs (21.9)

LW: 105.4 (16.5)

CW: 110.4 (17.3)

GW5: 105lbs (16.4)

UGW: 100lbs (15.7)


*************************************************

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#106 Greyish

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Posted 28 February 2021 - 11:13 AM

I am currently in this Goddess-awful Binge cycle. It started when I hit my lowest weight (to date) and I know this cant be true but I almost thought it was my body saying "eat some fucking calories and grow the fuck up".

Does anyone else binge AND restrict? Furthermore, is it very normal that I don't have specific trigger foods? I feel like I always hear about ppl having trigger foods...either 1 or 2...or a handful of things they always stick to for binges.
Ive often allowed myself binge days. I actually find them quite helpful (especially at my "mature" age of 36 and with my metabolism that's about as fast as molasses trickling uphill). Like a hard reset every couple of weeks.
But a couple of things to note:
1. This binge has lasted about 8 days. Each day starts with a fast from 3am until about 5pm when I have a piece of fruit. And then that piece of fruit fucks with my brainsss and tells them "now you must eat ALL THE THINGS THERE EVER WERE"
*I have always done OMAD, eating my meal around midnight but in trying out "recovery" have attempted small snacks throughout the day but I cant get out of that ALL-OR-NOTHING frame of mind so as soon as I have calories that OMAD turns into a 12 hour GD meal.
2. Ive never had specific foods that I binge on or that send me down that rabbit hole of despair. One night it's pizza, then it's pasta...but sometimes Ill just binge by overeating 3000 calories of "health foods". Today I ate a whole double package of 15cal/slice turkey with mustard followed by 3 boxes of 90cal "Made Good" bars. Like...why?

Anyone else do this? Manage to a)binge for DAYS at a time and b ) binge on anything/everything but no ONE thing in particular?

yes. To every single thing you wrote. And I am sure I am way over 5000 kcals. Not even kidding.

I am in pain in those binge days because I eat so much. I mostly binge on healthy stuff, however there are days when I just pig out completely. There is nothing safe from my gluttony. It is sad and I truly, honestly hate myself during those times. This can happen every 2 to 6 weeks and usually how hard I have restricted isn't indicative of how hard and long I binge. Don't know what exactly drives that behavior (although I see that it is often triggered by extreme stress or too little sleep). There is no satisfaction, just the drive to eat. When it is over, I go back to restricting.


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#107 Pills.and.Porcelain

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Posted 28 February 2021 - 05:07 PM

yes. To every single thing you wrote. And I am sure I am way over 5000 kcals. Not even kidding.
I am in pain in those binge days because I eat so much. I mostly binge on healthy stuff, however there are days when I just pig out completely. There is nothing safe from my gluttony. It is sad and I truly, honestly hate myself during those times. This can happen every 2 to 6 weeks and usually how hard I have restricted isn't indicative of how hard and long I binge. Don't know what exactly drives that behavior (although I see that it is often triggered by extreme stress or too little sleep). There is no satisfaction, just the drive to eat. When it is over, I go back to restricting.


Oh man. Same to the "not sure what triggers this".
And its not like we dont over-analyze ourselves.
I started making a "Goals" chart to post along with writing out the goals, and how ill get there. I wonder sometimes if that FUCK IT switch happens because I cant clearly see the cause and effect in the moment. This feels especially true right now because my region is in total lockdown with no end in sight. So its like, "well, Ive got plenty of time to be a gooey blob. Whats even the point?"
Goals. Goals. Goals.
I hear you on the stress though.
And I just cant be one of those mindful eaters that has no distractions while eating bc I cant stand the sound of my own chewing...so thats not helpful.

"I'm afraid we have a slight...apocalypse."

*​**********************************************

5'7" CW:110.4lbs BMI:17.3

****************************************

HW: 140lbs (21.9)

LW: 105.4 (16.5)

CW: 110.4 (17.3)

GW5: 105lbs (16.4)

UGW: 100lbs (15.7)


*************************************************

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#108 Appletun

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Posted 28 February 2021 - 06:11 PM

I hate that I’ve become so obsessed with my appearance and feeling as though I’m constantly comparing myself to younger people. It’s like a part of me has died and all I see now is an older uglier version of myself. Wish I didn’t feel this way but even I can tell that I’m not as attractive anymore.
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#109 Serena_SVW

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Posted 28 February 2021 - 06:44 PM

Not in the 30's club yet, but I wanted to say that (as you may guess from my pfp) the most elegant and attractive female character I have ever seen in any movie/TV show is the character of Claire Underwood, played by Robin Wright (at the time, in her 50's).

 

So, to me, a woman's 40's smell more like Chanel Mademoiselle, Louboutins and tailored dresses.

 

It is what you make it out to be, I suppose.

 

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#110 Pills.and.Porcelain

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Posted 28 February 2021 - 06:55 PM

I hate that I’ve become so obsessed with my appearance and feeling as though I’m constantly comparing myself to younger people. It’s like a part of me has died and all I see now is an older uglier version of myself. Wish I didn’t feel this way but even I can tell that I’m not as attractive anymore.


Im out of likes. But I feel this. Hard.
Im a caregiver for my Mum who has stage 4 breast cancer. We dont know if she has a year or 5 years left. This is so selfish of me to think or say. But especially with this lockdown, Im so "locked in" to this life and I feel like Im just waiting for my life to start while I watch my face get older and droopier.
The dumbest thing is that I wouldnt trade this time with her for anything. Its so special and not everyone gets it.
But then there is that mentally ill part of my brain that whispers "by the time youre ready to get started, itll all be over for you".
Its so fucked up.
So Im really counting on a lottery win so I can just nip/tuck all of the years away.
Realistic,yeah?
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"I'm afraid we have a slight...apocalypse."

*​**********************************************

5'7" CW:110.4lbs BMI:17.3

****************************************

HW: 140lbs (21.9)

LW: 105.4 (16.5)

CW: 110.4 (17.3)

GW5: 105lbs (16.4)

UGW: 100lbs (15.7)


*************************************************

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#111 jkbs8

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Posted 01 March 2021 - 03:11 AM

I'm 6 months away  :lol:


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CW: 167.2

 

 

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#112 eatlessbmore

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Posted 01 March 2021 - 03:11 AM

Not in the 30's club yet, but I wanted to say that (as you may guess from my pfp) the most elegant and attractive female character I have ever seen in any movie/TV show is the character of Claire Underwood, played by Robin Wright (at the time, in her 50's).

So, to me, a woman's 40's smell more like Chanel Mademoiselle, Louboutins and tailored dresses.

It is what you make it out to be, I suppose.


I feel the same way. I'm always looking at and admiring women older than me who've embraced their age and expressed it to the fullest. Even though I sometimes feel insecure about my age (I look younger than I am, so when people find out my age, they act different around me and before they know my age, they're sometimes putting down my age group), I do think that people who take care of themselves look better and better with age.
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#113 WistfulKitten

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Posted 03 March 2021 - 05:53 PM

Dropping in as I just turned 30 in November and this aging thing sucks. It's terrifying to feel I've hit my peak and I never achieved that thin and pretty look I always wanted... I don't even have a career to show for it. My current goal is to fix that issue so I can at least start to afford the plastic surgery. *sighs* 

 

Love to all my fellow geriatric folks. 


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neurotic to the bone no doubt about it."

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#114 MissKatooshka

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Posted 04 March 2021 - 07:54 AM

I feel like I’ve found my people, people who will understand.
I’m 34, over two decades of AN-R.
Life is not what I had imagined it would be. My parents are just happy when I’m “not in the danger zone” of weight and am keeping my job.
I have a good career (lord only knows how I scraped through my degree), but I’ve lost two good jobs due to my weight dropping to a point that my judgment was (allegedly) compromised.
I’m in the longest relationship of my life with the most kind, funny, smart and emotionally intelligent guy ever. I dropped a bunch of weight just before the pandemic, got fired and that freaked him out. In my mind it wasn’t near as bad as it has been and I got myself out of it relatively quickly. But he has not been sure whether he can commit to a future with me because the eating disorder is a chronic bitch and he adores food and going out to eat and with me (despite my best efforts), it is frankly a miserable experience.
He doesn’t want me to resent him and I don’t want him to resent me.
I want kids (I never thought I would) and I’m terrified I’ve run out of time. If it doesn’t work with him, can I grieve the relationship then move on and build a new relationship before my eggs dry up?!
I feel so cursed. I’m past being mad at myself for “not recovering earlier” because I really don’t think 100% recovery was ever on the cards for me. I think this was likely always going to be chronic given my genetics and temperament etc.
I’m dreading being alone now as I grow older. You don’t realise how isolated you were until you feel that warm connection again.
I’m afraid of slipping without realising it happening again if I’m alone and nobody is there to call me out or question my food choices.
This is certainly not the life I’d imagined for myself. But I so desperately want it to be better.


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#115 Meowgatito

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Posted 04 March 2021 - 08:59 AM

But it feels so... easy. So comfortable. I feel in control.

...In my mind, it's the only thing that can help me until some of my other long-term goals come to fruition. I'm sick and fucking tired of waiting around for life to get better. ED puts the reins back in my hands.


You took the words right out of my head. So many other areas of my life feel like a train wreck, but THIS... This is something I can control. It’s mine. All else might be imploding and hectic around me, but I have one solid thing I can master: Myself.

The shallow believe in luck. The strong believe in cause and effect.


#116 rcanina

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Posted 05 March 2021 - 08:22 AM

I have SO much stuff! I would love to get into minimalism but I honestly need to order a skip bin to throw all my junk out first


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a bag a week x


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#117 CoconutWater

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Posted 05 March 2021 - 10:42 AM

Hi all I've read the entire thread! I'm not new here but I'd been away for a while, GAINING weight :/

 

I had disordered eating as a teen but the real thing started when I turned 30. I'm 37 now and I've reached my highest post-anorexia weight, which I'm not too happy about. So far I still look ten years younger than I am (or so I'm told) but this could change at any point. I don't even mind that much but I don't want to f*** up my body. Sometimes I care and sometimes not so much.


cw 57 (19.3)

hw 61 (20.6)

lw 48 (16.4)

 

BMI range 16.3-20.5


#118 CoconutWater

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Posted 05 March 2021 - 02:10 PM

It's getting late so I'll post more tomorrow
But there's a new ED movie that seems like it'll be PERFECT for us! Can't wait for it to be released...(it's streaming right now but only if you live in the UK)

"Body of Water"
Here's the Trailer:

 

I just watched this! Powerful. I like that nothing is truly resolved at the end of the film. No simple solution.


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cw 57 (19.3)

hw 61 (20.6)

lw 48 (16.4)

 

BMI range 16.3-20.5


#119 in-hauntedattics

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Posted 05 March 2021 - 02:19 PM

Turning 32 in a few months, and I'm starting to worry a little. I get very ambivalent about the idea of dying from my eating disorder (it's been a problem for most of my life at this point and I'm not super fussed about death), and everyone says that the health consequences get more dire the older you get. I've broken two teeth in the last year alone and am more worried about hurting/traumatizing my loved ones if my health goes to crap. I don't know why I'm writing this, but I just wanted to know if anyone can relate.



#120 Oyster.kisses

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Posted 06 March 2021 - 12:41 PM

Can we, just briefly, talk about what nobody talks about ANYWHERE else on MPA until a few of you beauties were brave enough to mention?

What actually happened to my face?

I find myself staring into the mirror as if the deep depths of oblivion crept into my soul while I was sleeping and sucked the collagen out with a cocktail straw.
Sometimes Ill just hold up different parts of my face, where I remember they used to be (they DID used to be there, right?)
like my skin were modeling clay and I can train it back into position if it would just stop being such a fucking asshole.

And this is only 36.
I have also, mind you, hit my lowest weight during covid. And apparently when women "reach a certain age" you have to choose between body and face. Dehydration, lax, yo-yoing: all pretty terrible for the the skin.
Well isnt that some bullshit.
We work REALLY fucking hard.
Call it mental illness, call it self destruction, or even self harm; aside from professional athletes I cannot think of ANYONE that works harder on their body and self discipline than the Eating Disordered.
So when we reach our thirties, after years of torture, I feel like we have earned a God. Damn. Break.

*Le Sigh*


I understand wat you’re going thru but if I had to choose between body or Face Id choose body everytime . Also they have a good skincare system called Meaningful Beauty and it helps with aging in ur thirties. Hope this helps
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