so many things make me happy with life, but i have found that they are not responsible for my will to live so much as i am for it. and relying on plans for a distant, or even near future, is not fulfilling to me so much as what i do for myself in the present. so the thing that makes me want to live is more a philosophy(?) that i try to keep in my toolbelt to ground myself.
i stopped looking to my past for answers, or look for answers on how to redeem myself now in the future. i also stopped tying seemingly harmless ropes to people, things, and plans ((which isn't bad at all, i would just depend on these things to the point where it was crushing if i lost one "piece")) to feel guided and secure in a desire to live, but when all those things left me i believed i'd been wronged. or in the case that i say i am alive for people, then perhaps my life is not mine in that sense anyways, so how am i choosing, then, my want to live? however, i approach with the assumption that i choose to live all the same because i am a collection of experiences that i embraced with others... but i notice the difference is the "with" and "for." for myself, i feel that i want to live for the experiences with others, rather than for others-- which was, again, something that seemed like a semantics issue, but was a very difficult and complex conclusion to come to.
so i figured this to be the conclusion: i'm just here in the present. and that might not make me happy in itself, but i want to live in it. otherwise, why would i attempt to attach myself to things? could i continue, then, to attach myself to my thoughts: embrace passion, attempt reason, create myself as i am presently and not anticipate or minimize myself based on external things that i don't even know the certainty of in terms of existence? and if i can accept this new line of sight, i can accept that i at least want to live in the present, and therefore i want to be alive presently. and if i can accept this nature as something in my foundation, meaning i might have to work to build a piece of self from it, then i can ease myself onto a steadier path when i'm under the influence of something that is causing me to think about ending my life. this makes me want to live i feel like. at least this is how i think of it rn.
and of course, i will not always want to live in the present if i have times where i want to remove myself from life altogether; but what this foundation can do for me is enable me to be more realistic and build a better relationship with the core beliefs of my mind when all dependent thoughts do not exist or exist minimally. this can be self-control, and perhaps-- even though i try not to wreck my future by dwelling on it too much-- this can be a means of a future worth rejoicing because i struggled a little bit in the present which is by that point in the past.
i also really liked that i was having those thoughts again and i rested my head on my steering wheel and felt so blessed to be alive. ... multum in parvo
