I'm in a really really bad b/p cycle rn. I have b/pd 5+ times a day for the last 2 days,and 1-3 times a day with a brief pause every 1-2 days for several months. Before that it was a few times a week, sometimes every day during some periods. Ever since I got home and have nothing else to do I just....cannot....stop. I either b/p or I don't eat. It just keeps slowly (sometimes quickly!

) getting worse. My stomach has started to hurt after purging. Sometimes I can eat a normal amount and delay the purging for a bit but inevitably I will regret it enough to try to get it up. How can I fucking lose more weight like this because I'm not going to therapy which means I am going to fucking die and I don't want to die fat. Idk I just feel like if I dropped dead rn people would both know I have an ed but also think I "Failed" at it because I died at a bmi of 22 (or 20 or however long it takes)
Also what should my epitaph be idk
Also I feel like I am exaggerating by calling this a bad b/p cycle because ik some people on here purge like 10 times a day but compared to how I usually am, this is bad.