
Either I’m back, or I never really left...
#1
Posted 13 December 2020 - 07:56 PM
So yep, here I am again.
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
- meee, PaperThinGangster, rosiethesmall and 3 others like this
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#2
Posted 14 December 2020 - 10:00 AM
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#3
Posted 14 December 2020 - 10:17 AM
First lockdown came and husband was off work for a good few months. Never normally see each other much because of his work. Got away with not eating a lot before that lockdown. Suddenly he’s at home all the time and we eat together daily. I get comfortable with eating and even start to enjoy it. Start putting on weight, he’s now back at work and I’m alone a lot again in a bigger body with a bigger appetite than when I was barely eating. Going back to heavily restricting and fasting now, I can’t live in this body it’s crushing my soul. I curse the first lockdown, I really let go of my ED but instead probably developed another one. I don’t care how hungry I am from over feeding myself, I have to be back where I used to be before I literally just don’t go out or see anyone. Sorry you’re struggling you’re not alone x
- PartyGirl and oatmomma like this
#4
Posted 26 December 2020 - 02:45 PM

Caddyshack has infiltrated my brain and stolen my innermost thoughts.
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#5
Posted 26 December 2020 - 05:20 PM
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- PartyGirl likes this
#6
Posted 27 December 2020 - 11:26 AM
I relate so much. All of my size 6 pants are too snug. I’ve picked up some workout stuff with my Christmas money. Gotta work this fat off. I have been eating more easily with less stress...this is why I don’t let myself enjoy treats. I had a meltdown when I got on the scale.Oof same here. Put on a pair of size 6 jeans and it corded my stomach SO bad. Bad thing is I've been happy recently, but the depression hit me hard for no reason and AN is the only way I can cope usually.
Sent from the birb's nest using Tapatalk
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
- RoTheRobin likes this
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#7
Posted 27 December 2020 - 12:21 PM
Yeah, I'm getting a gym membership soon so I can actually start working out instead of just restricting. Good luck to you!I relate so much. All of my size 6 pants are too snug. I’ve picked up some workout stuff with my Christmas money. Gotta work this fat off. I have been eating more easily with less stress...this is why I don’t let myself enjoy treats. I had a meltdown when I got on the scale.
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
Sent from the birb's nest using Tapatalk
- PartyGirl likes this
#8
Posted 28 December 2020 - 04:46 PM
Thanks. Good luck to you as well and be safe please.Yeah, I'm getting a gym membership soon so I can actually start working out instead of just restricting. Good luck to you!
Sent from the birb's nest using Tapatalk
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
- RoTheRobin likes this
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#9
Posted 30 December 2020 - 07:24 AM
Also, with ocd, I keep going until all the numbers (calories, distance, time...) line up based on my obsession with evens and multiples of four. So I’m making a decision at the start, such as the time has to be a safe number or the calories must be this many or I have to go this distance, and then sticking to that. Worked great the first day, yesterday I found myself dissatisfied with the one I’d decided to focus on, so I kept going until the distance hit the right number.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#10
Posted 04 January 2021 - 07:31 AM
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#11
Posted 04 January 2021 - 08:47 AM
Shit, I'm sorry you're struggling so much. It's so bittersweet seeing someone come back, I hope you can find a way to be kind to yourself, at least a little bit. I missed you but I wish recovery could have worked out for you. I would rather you be happy, so whatever that means for you I understand you have to pursue, Just try take a harm reduction approach, please?
I'm always here, feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to <3
- PartyGirl likes this
I'm literally just a mess at this point:
-
a dirty or untidy state of things or of a place
-
a situation or state of affairs that is confused or full of difficulties.
#12
Posted 11 January 2021 - 11:52 AM
Reduction of food groups—check
Skipping meals—double check
Lying about being hungry—duh
Replacing food with coffee and Diet Coke—do we even need to go there?
Thinspo—umm....
Yeah so clearly I’ve relapsed. Got people starting to question what I’m doing, but I can’t keep gaining weight so yeah
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
- Jacqueline_356 likes this
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#13
Posted 12 January 2021 - 10:08 AM
-bread, bc that has replaced cheese as the Devil
-peanut butter, you really thought you could let that back into your life??
-all forms of sweets and treats
-french fries
-crackers, chips, pretzels
I feel like I’m at a place of paranoïa and I have not been in this place for several years. I’m actually concerned that my black coffee and cigarettes are somehow pumping calories into my body without me realising it. I’ve questioned whether or not the food my mum sends over once a week contains waaay more calories than needed. I brought this up with her, bc I’m becoming afraid to eat it even though I know she isn’t trying to fatten me up. I just keep thinking that I’m absorbing calories and fat from somewhere without my knowledge or consent.
If I hadn’t slacked off at the gym yesterday then maybe today wouldn’t have me in tears. I’m doing a double at the gym to make up for it. I’m so fat and disgusting that I’ve considered suicide more than once today.
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#14
Posted 13 January 2021 - 07:14 AM
Baby carrots
Apple
1 T hummus
16 popcorn chips
Spinach salad with green olives
Piece of chicken
1/2 cup macaroni and cheese
Went to bed early bc I didn’t feel like listening to my husband scream at COD. I had also made a comment about him weighing less than me when he was trying to see how much our dog weighs, to which he replied “why do you have to ruin everything?” My response “it’s what I do” but that just made him more angry so he says “yeah it really is.” And cue me going to bed. Half awake when he came to bed. His phone rings and he answers it with a grumble or some sound then hangs up immediately. That was followed by his phone buzzing with texts for the next half hour and him responding. Paranoia and suspicious nature got me questioning this entire scenario.
I’m so tired of being me.
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#15
Posted 13 January 2021 - 08:40 AM
#16
Posted 16 January 2021 - 05:04 PM
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#17
Posted 18 January 2021 - 08:26 PM
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#18
Posted 20 January 2021 - 06:18 PM
Y’a know, it sure would be nice if I could sleep through the night instead of waking up at 3am every night. I wake up wiiide awake and then just lay there reading FanFiction until I fall back asleep. I used to get up and pace for an hour or two but I’m trying to not fall back into that habit. At the same time, it sure was nice getting in all those extra steps each night.
In general, everyone has stopped bugging me about what I’ve eaten and whether or not I’ve had enough to eat before going to the gym. I guess if you lie enough ppl back off. I’m glad, bc it was getting annoying.
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#19
Posted 24 January 2021 - 07:35 PM
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
#20
Posted 30 January 2021 - 02:34 PM
The title of an unwritten memoir—I’m so recovered, and other lies I tell myself.
Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)
G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115
Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face. Stupid cow. I was tiny, and nearing perfection. Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter. I'm gross.
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