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Either I’m back, or I never really left...


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27 replies to this topic

#1 PartyGirl

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Posted 13 December 2020 - 07:56 PM

Because, y’a know, who really saw this as an active recovery in the first place. It was fun while it lasted...no I can’t even type that with a straight face. Put on a pair of clean blue jeans and they barely fit. Truthfully they had recently been washed, but they still should not have been that snug. Got on the scale, and saw a big number. Again, truthfully it was at 7 pm, last day of my cycle, and I’d kinda followed meal plan for the day. (Of course I nearly passed out from fasting yesterday). Couple all the Ed thoughts with a lot of stress and anxiety...drowns out the logical ones. Sounds like an argument in my head and I think the Ed is beating out the sensible part that says one meal a day is not healthy.

So yep, here I am again.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
  • meee, PaperThinGangster, rosiethesmall and 3 others like this

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#2 PartyGirl

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Posted 14 December 2020 - 10:00 AM

Day four of the migraine... I’ve taken meds every day and it subsides but always returns. Can’t say it’s from too much or too little caffeine, bc nothing has changed in that department. Could be the weather, could be having been on my period, could be I’m dying. Who the hell knows at this point. I just know my head is fucking killing me.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#3 Laura1982

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Posted 14 December 2020 - 10:17 AM

First lockdown came and husband was off work for a good few months. Never normally see each other much because of his work. Got away with not eating a lot before that lockdown. Suddenly he’s at home all the time and we eat together daily. I get comfortable with eating and even start to enjoy it. Start putting on weight, he’s now back at work and I’m alone a lot again in a bigger body with a bigger appetite than when I was barely eating. Going back to heavily restricting and fasting now, I can’t live in this body it’s crushing my soul. I curse the first lockdown, I really let go of my ED but instead probably developed another one. I don’t care how hungry I am from over feeding myself, I have to be back where I used to be before I literally just don’t go out or see anyone. Sorry you’re struggling you’re not alone  :( x


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#4 PartyGirl

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Posted 26 December 2020 - 02:45 PM

a7d5157bec4d73089ea78b93be2f9ae6.jpg
Caddyshack has infiltrated my brain and stolen my innermost thoughts.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#5 RoTheRobin

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Posted 26 December 2020 - 05:20 PM

Oof same here. Put on a pair of size 6 jeans and it corded my stomach SO bad. Bad thing is I've been happy recently, but the depression hit me hard for no reason and AN is the only way I can cope usually.

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#6 PartyGirl

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Posted 27 December 2020 - 11:26 AM

Oof same here. Put on a pair of size 6 jeans and it corded my stomach SO bad. Bad thing is I've been happy recently, but the depression hit me hard for no reason and AN is the only way I can cope usually.

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I relate so much. All of my size 6 pants are too snug. I’ve picked up some workout stuff with my Christmas money. Gotta work this fat off. I have been eating more easily with less stress...this is why I don’t let myself enjoy treats. I had a meltdown when I got on the scale.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
  • RoTheRobin likes this

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#7 RoTheRobin

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Posted 27 December 2020 - 12:21 PM

I relate so much. All of my size 6 pants are too snug. I’ve picked up some workout stuff with my Christmas money. Gotta work this fat off. I have been eating more easily with less stress...this is why I don’t let myself enjoy treats. I had a meltdown when I got on the scale.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.

Yeah, I'm getting a gym membership soon so I can actually start working out instead of just restricting. Good luck to you!

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#8 PartyGirl

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Posted 28 December 2020 - 04:46 PM

Yeah, I'm getting a gym membership soon so I can actually start working out instead of just restricting. Good luck to you!

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Thanks. Good luck to you as well and be safe please.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
  • RoTheRobin likes this

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#9 PartyGirl

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Posted 30 December 2020 - 07:24 AM

Went to the gym two days in a row after months of not going at all. I’m actively calling myself out, here. I always feel so much better after going to the gym but I get in these spots where I just don’t want to go. I miss the years I obsessively went, those were good times. I’m trying to make myself get back to it. Instead of trying to do the amount of time i was up to back in the day, I’ve cut that waaay down. I’m trying not to feel guilty about that either.
Also, with ocd, I keep going until all the numbers (calories, distance, time...) line up based on my obsession with evens and multiples of four. So I’m making a decision at the start, such as the time has to be a safe number or the calories must be this many or I have to go this distance, and then sticking to that. Worked great the first day, yesterday I found myself dissatisfied with the one I’d decided to focus on, so I kept going until the distance hit the right number.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#10 PartyGirl

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Posted 04 January 2021 - 07:31 AM

I have gained so much weight and I low key want to die.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#11 ChibiBunny

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Posted 04 January 2021 - 08:47 AM

Shit, I'm sorry you're struggling so much. It's so bittersweet seeing someone come back, I hope you can find a way to be kind to yourself, at least a little bit. I missed you but I wish recovery could have worked out for you. I would rather you be happy, so whatever that means for you I understand you have to pursue, Just try take a harm reduction approach, please?

I'm always here, feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to <3


  • PartyGirl likes this

I'm literally just a mess at this point:

 

mess
/mes/
 
noun
 
  1.  
    a dirty or untidy state of things or of a place
     
  2. a situation or state of affairs that is confused or full of difficulties.

 


#12 PartyGirl

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Posted 11 January 2021 - 11:52 AM

Obsessive exercise—check
Reduction of food groups—check
Skipping meals—double check
Lying about being hungry—duh
Replacing food with coffee and Diet Coke—do we even need to go there?
Thinspo—umm....

Yeah so clearly I’ve relapsed. Got people starting to question what I’m doing, but I can’t keep gaining weight so yeah


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.
  • Jacqueline_356 likes this

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#13 PartyGirl

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Posted 12 January 2021 - 10:08 AM

Foods to remove from my life, again

-bread, bc that has replaced cheese as the Devil
-peanut butter, you really thought you could let that back into your life??
-all forms of sweets and treats
-french fries
-crackers, chips, pretzels

I feel like I’m at a place of paranoïa and I have not been in this place for several years. I’m actually concerned that my black coffee and cigarettes are somehow pumping calories into my body without me realising it. I’ve questioned whether or not the food my mum sends over once a week contains waaay more calories than needed. I brought this up with her, bc I’m becoming afraid to eat it even though I know she isn’t trying to fatten me up. I just keep thinking that I’m absorbing calories and fat from somewhere without my knowledge or consent.

If I hadn’t slacked off at the gym yesterday then maybe today wouldn’t have me in tears. I’m doing a double at the gym to make up for it. I’m so fat and disgusting that I’ve considered suicide more than once today.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#14 PartyGirl

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Posted 13 January 2021 - 07:14 AM

Did an hour, hard, on the elliptical at the gym last night and some basic weights. I had a terrible migraine going in but after the workout, it was gone—thank god. A coworker who knows about my ed had me get a sweet treat from Starbucks, I couldn’t bring myself to eat it so I gave it away at the end of the day.

Baby carrots
Apple
1 T hummus
16 popcorn chips
Spinach salad with green olives
Piece of chicken
1/2 cup macaroni and cheese

Went to bed early bc I didn’t feel like listening to my husband scream at COD. I had also made a comment about him weighing less than me when he was trying to see how much our dog weighs, to which he replied “why do you have to ruin everything?” My response “it’s what I do” but that just made him more angry so he says “yeah it really is.” And cue me going to bed. Half awake when he came to bed. His phone rings and he answers it with a grumble or some sound then hangs up immediately. That was followed by his phone buzzing with texts for the next half hour and him responding. Paranoia and suspicious nature got me questioning this entire scenario.

I’m so tired of being me.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#15 VioletL

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Posted 13 January 2021 - 08:40 AM

Whenever I’m eating & not doing very well with restricting or fasting I feel like I can’t be here lol.

#16 PartyGirl

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Posted 16 January 2021 - 05:04 PM

I swear I am 10x more paranoid now than I ever was in the past. Every little thing seems to have me on edge and questioning things. I’ve restricted much lower and for far longer in the past and not been this suspicious of people and paranoid that I’m being watched, judged, or lied too. What even is this??


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#17 PartyGirl

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Posted 18 January 2021 - 08:26 PM

I must say, overall I’m proud of myself. I have only purged twice since leaving treatment 6 months ago. Of course tonight was the second time. I love baking for others, and I’ve been modifying the filling in a cookie recipe I found. My coworkers are expecting goodies from me, so I whipped up a huuuge batch with various fillings today. I created a pecan pie version that is insane. So I was tasting all the different varieties as I had some break apart while cutting them into smaller pieces. This of course was after eating dinner. Got triggered by a comment and purged the whole evening worth of food. So yeah, go me!


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#18 PartyGirl

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Posted 20 January 2021 - 06:18 PM

More gym time. There was a beautiful skinny woman doing the stair master and I could see her shoulder blades while I was rowing away on the rowing machine. Total motivation. I figure if I can’t be skin and bones, maybe I could be muscle and bones?!?! I like the rowing machine bc it uses more muscle groups, but that elliptical sure does burn the calories and makes me sweat like a hog.

Y’a know, it sure would be nice if I could sleep through the night instead of waking up at 3am every night. I wake up wiiide awake and then just lay there reading FanFiction until I fall back asleep. I used to get up and pace for an hour or two but I’m trying to not fall back into that habit. At the same time, it sure was nice getting in all those extra steps each night.

In general, everyone has stopped bugging me about what I’ve eaten and whether or not I’ve had enough to eat before going to the gym. I guess if you lie enough ppl back off. I’m glad, bc it was getting annoying.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#19 PartyGirl

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Posted 24 January 2021 - 07:35 PM

I’ve decided that I can’t trust my mind. I get these notions that things are one way and fail to see that they are really not that way at all. I guess people do this anyway, but I seem to be so much more paranoid and suspicious than I used to be. But then what if I can’t even trust this notion about myself?


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.


#20 PartyGirl

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Posted 30 January 2021 - 02:34 PM

What...idk what you are talking about, I don’t have a problem...it’s totally normal to walk 3 miles to the gym, workout for an hour, then walk the 3 miles back home. Yeah so that’s today, after I got a little twisted and ate more than I should, purged as much as possible (so that’s now three times since treatment last summer). It also doesn’t matter that it’s about 35* outside with a windchill of 25* and the walk is along a very busy road. Nah, I’m totally recovering over here.

The title of an unwritten memoir—I’m so recovered, and other lies I tell myself.


Transmission delivered from deep behind enemy lines. Encryption failed, hope the enemy can’t track my location.

Height: 5’ 2”
HW: 300+
LW: 128
CW: 160
UGW: 88 (or lower)

G1: 130 G2: 125 G3: 120 G4: 115

 

Fatty gained weight, bc she can't control her fat face.  Stupid cow.  I was tiny, and nearing perfection.  Then I went and fucked it all up, gained weight, got even fatter.  I'm gross.



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