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16 weeks & so triggered


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#1 bewellzebub

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Posted 13 January 2021 - 10:12 AM

Hi guys, this is kind of a vent and kind of asking for advice?

So, I’m going to have my first baby in the summer. I’m so excited! I really can’t wait to be a mom, and like any mom would, I’m making sure my baby is nourished. I stopped restricting as soon as I found out I was pregnant.

Thing is, I was nowhere near as thin as I wanted to be when I got pregnant, in part because the binge-restrict cycle I fell into during the first few months of the pandemic caused me to gain some dreaded quarantine weight. Which means that, since I was in the healthy BMI range prepregnancy (just barely, at BMI 24) the minimum I should gain is 25 pounds. That’ll put me way too close to my HW for comfort.

About six years ago, I reached my highest weight ever (BMI 30) during the worst depressive spiral of my life, which resulted in the longest and most traumatic hospitalization of my life, so the idea of getting within even 20 lbs of that weight is TERRIFYING, and that’s almost where I am now, having gained a few pounds from my prepreg weight. Like one typically should at this stage. But that time was honestly the worst time of my life, so much so that it affected my memory and I didn’t start forming memories right again until almost 3 years later. Even seeing the number as someone’s weight - even when they’re much taller than me and it’s a perfectly healthy or even low weight for them - causes those feelings to bubble up. Gaining just the minimum amount of pregnancy weight is going to put me within 4 lbs of that weight. And that’s if I manage to stay at JUST 25 pounds, which, like... I’ve never gained in a controlled manner before. I’ve never had to. My LW wasn’t underweight for my height. Weight gain has always been this unwanted, uncontrollable thing for me, and it always resulted in restriction, which I know I can’t do until the baby is born and my milk supply is established. Even then, I doubt I’ll be able to have a calorie limit remotely close to what I’m used to if I want to keep producing and keep my baby healthy. Which I do. So this is all super new to me.

I knew it was going to be hard going in, but lately my butt and thighs have been getting bigger, and at 16 weeks I still have a lot of weight to eventually gain and I’m trying so hard not to freak out but it’s HARD, people. I’m in a mental place where I wish I could restrict, but I know I can’t, and I’m just worried because I have like fiveish months before the baby comes and that’s a lot of time for the urges to potentially hijack my good sense, which is the last thing I want while my baby is literally dependent on my intake for nourishment.

Anyway that’s about the size of it. Realizing my butt and thighs are getting thicker was really hard. I carry enough weight there as it is. I’m what people used to mean when they called women curvy. On better mental health streaks, I tend to consider myself relatively fortunate, since even though I’m usually on the higher end of a healthy weight, it distributes proportionally (up to a point), and people usually assume I’m lighter than I really am, whether I feel huge or not. I know I need to gain, but I was prepared for like fluids and placenta and baby - I really don’t think I need more body fat for a healthy pregnancy. If anyone has advice, or can relate and wants to commiserate, or anything, do feel free. Thanks for reading my rant.

TL;DR I have to almost reach my HW at minimum for this pregnancy and I’m low key freaking out

#2 noaudience

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Posted 14 January 2021 - 03:40 AM

I get it. I'm 6 months pregnant and I'm gigantic. I got to my highest weight ever pre-pregnancy (150 lbs). Pretty sure I've gained like 50 lbs...and I'm not even overeating or eating badly. It's the hormones.

I try to avoid looking at myself whenever possible. Showering is really difficult...I just cry in the tub. I know I can lose it after baby is born but I just feel so gross and like a failure...which is horrible because I know I'm doing something really important rn.

Literally doing no behaviors, but my eating disorder is so loud in my head. I'm freaking out too. Let's freak together.

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HW - 150

LW - 89

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GW1 - 120

GW2 - 110

GW3 - 100

GW4 - 90

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#3 bewellzebub

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Posted 14 January 2021 - 08:41 AM

I get it. I'm 6 months pregnant and I'm gigantic. I got to my highest weight ever pre-pregnancy (150 lbs). Pretty sure I've gained like 50 lbs...and I'm not even overeating or eating badly. It's the hormones.

I try to avoid looking at myself whenever possible. Showering is really difficult...I just cry in the tub. I know I can lose it after baby is born but I just feel so gross and like a failure...which is horrible because I know I'm doing something really important rn.

Literally doing no behaviors, but my eating disorder is so loud in my head. I'm freaking out too. Let's freak together.

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Yes totally let’s freak together. I’m so sorry you can relate but it’s easier to talk to people who do! It really is an awful way to feel. Showering is getting harder for me too, and putting oil on my belly and everywhere else I’m gaining is like torture because I have to feel it ugh. I think getting bigger without engaging in any behaviors is making the ED louder, to be honest. And like you said - can totally lose after the baby is born, but in the meantime it just is what it is, and I think it’s hard enough for people without EDs. I naively sort of thought it wouldn’t be THIS hard.

Idk if this will help at all or not, but something I’ve been clinging to (like it’s a freaking cliff side I’m about to fall off) is that my mom said she gained a bunch of weight in both her pregnancies and was able to lose it easily. I don’t think she was really dieting or anything either. I know it’s anecdotal but I think about it when I get really anxious about my body. It helps a little.

And this is totally the pot calling the kettle black here, because getting bigger is making me feel like a failure too, but taking the emotions out of it for a sec - hearing the ED screaming in your ear and refusing to engage for the baby’s sake is the opposite of a failure! I keep trying to keep things in perspective when I can. Logic brain and ED brain hate each other.

#4 starshapes

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Posted 14 January 2021 - 10:09 AM

Hang in there mamas, pregnancy is a rough go and the best advice I could give is to just focus everything on your baby and completely forget about yourself. That's how I got through 3 pregnancies, I focus my obsession on that and being the healthiest I can. Learning about baby during which week/stage and what your body changes are blablabla. Birth options, nursery planning, etc. I posted a lot on the babycenter forums just to take my mind off of things and refocus.

 

I swell up huge from water retention during pregnancy. My face, nose, ankles.. the works. The hormones really do a number on you. The worst part is after birth so prepare yourself to look weird for a solid week, breastfeeding helps HUUUUUUUUGE. It'll shrink your belly and burn a ton of calories and obviously is the best food for your lil one. Get lanolin to help your boobies cause those first few weeks can be tough as you and baby both learn how to breastfeed. You can also pump if things get in the way, which I did for one baby and I had way more supply than I did previously. 



#5 bewellzebub

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Posted 15 January 2021 - 08:05 AM

Hang in there mamas, pregnancy is a rough go and the best advice I could give is to just focus everything on your baby and completely forget about yourself. That's how I got through 3 pregnancies, I focus my obsession on that and being the healthiest I can. Learning about baby during which week/stage and what your body changes are blablabla. Birth options, nursery planning, etc. I posted a lot on the babycenter forums just to take my mind off of things and refocus.

I swell up huge from water retention during pregnancy. My face, nose, ankles.. the works. The hormones really do a number on you. The worst part is after birth so prepare yourself to look weird for a solid week, breastfeeding helps HUUUUUUUUGE. It'll shrink your belly and burn a ton of calories and obviously is the best food for your lil one. Get lanolin to help your boobies cause those first few weeks can be tough as you and baby both learn how to breastfeed. You can also pump if things get in the way, which I did for one baby and I had way more supply than I did previously.


Thanks a lot for this! Definitely all stuff to keep in mind. Focusing on the baby has for sure helped, when I get out of my own head enough. I’ll work on consciously doing it more. And it’s really nice to hear someone talking so positively about breastfeeding since it’s definitely my first choice. A lot of people seem to want to try to talk me out of it. Also since I first posted we’ve found out that it’s a girl! It all keeps getting realer and realer.
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#6 bewellzebub

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Posted 22 January 2021 - 08:57 AM

Updating cus I feel like it. Maybe I’ll make a pregnancy accountability thread or something and then a postpartum one once my baby is earth side.

Still having lots of trouble with my body image. I’m trying to switch back to eating exclusively whole/lightly processed plant foods, after having been a junk food vegan for way too long. I didn’t ONLY eat junk, but more days than not, there’s something on the menu I never would have eaten three years ago. If I switch back, it’ll benefit my body, my mental health, and most importantly my baby.

Something I’m struggling with is the traditional BMI vs the new BMI. TBMI says I started this pregnancy at ~24, a healthy weight, and should gain 25-35 lbs between conception and delivery. New BMI says I started at ~25, overweight, and should gain 15-25. If I aim for 25, the number they have in common, that should be plenty, I hope. And if eating super healthy still causes me to put on more than I want to, well, it’s not like I’ll be restricting with my baby inside my body, so I’ll just deal with it and continue to talk my poor sweet therapist’s ear off about it.

The other thing is exercise. I haven’t been doing it much, because it was a high risk pregnancy at first for reasons I don’t really want to get into, but which have now been resolved. They told me since then I just “shouldn’t overdo it,” but what is overdoing it?? For ED people?? Vs normies?? Plus I’ve been pretty depressed - winter, hormones, fatigue, and body image are kicking my ass. I want to just spend like an hour a day on the low impact machine I have, at a chill pace, making sure I don’t get out of breath (per doc’s orders). They say walking is good, so, I figure in pandemic times, this is the next best thing? I’ll mention it at my next appointment.

And finally, my bump has been commented on a few times. It feels weird. I wasn’t really expecting to show that much yet, but I guess it’s not abnormal since I’m almost halfway to the due date now and everyone shows differently. I just don’t know how to react to people verbally affirming that my body is getting bigger. I know it’s “I see your pregnancy progressing!” and not “bitch you got fat,” but ED brain can’t hear the difference. And now that I’m in the stage where the baby is in a growth spurt, I’m just nervous that I’m gonna get super big. I used to not really think my ED was about control, but yikes. Having almost none is really taking me for a ride.

On the bright side, and it’s VERY bright, baby and I are both super healthy and exactly where we should be! So all of this body and food related anguish is worth it.

#7 noaudience

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Posted 23 January 2021 - 03:11 AM

I stopped looking at BMI and weight completely. It's kind of a double-edged sword because I panic if I see the number, but I also panic not knowing. My doctor thinks it's better just not knowing.

What I'll probably do it not weigh myself until a month after baby is born to give my body some time to adjust to rapid weight-loss from birth, hormones, and beginning breastfeeding. I just know that any number over 100 lbs is going to freak me out...but maybe I'll be a little less upset if I can get back into some of my normal routines.

Ty to the user who told us to hang in here. It's so hard. People keep asking for bump pics and telling me to take pics even just for myself. I just can't. Literally don't want to even remember being pregnant because of how miserable my mental health is.

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Height: 5'6

HW - 150

LW - 89

CW - 105.4

GW1 - 130

GW1 - 120

GW2 - 110

GW3 - 100

GW4 - 90

UGW - 80


#8 bewellzebub

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Posted 26 January 2021 - 10:49 AM

I stopped looking at BMI and weight completely. It's kind of a double-edged sword because I panic if I see the number, but I also panic not knowing. My doctor thinks it's better just not knowing.

What I'll probably do it not weigh myself until a month after baby is born to give my body some time to adjust to rapid weight-loss from birth, hormones, and beginning breastfeeding. I just know that any number over 100 lbs is going to freak me out...but maybe I'll be a little less upset if I can get back into some of my normal routines.

Ty to the user who told us to hang in here. It's so hard. People keep asking for bump pics and telling me to take pics even just for myself. I just can't. Literally don't want to even remember being pregnant because of how miserable my mental health is.

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Waiting until a bit after the baby is born is honestly such a good idea and I hope I can do that. I’m honestly just kinda proud I’m not weighing every day. The folks at my OB office know of my ED history, but only my therapist knows how loud the thoughts are clanging around in my head, so they’ll just tell me my weight when they weigh me (in the afternoon, usually right after a meal, with all my clothes and my heavy ass winter boots on ugh). I keep thinking about asking them to not tell me but I keep chickening out.

Definitely normal routines are gonna be good, to the extent we can follow them with a newborn. I’m trying to plan mine to be as flexible as possible because I’m anticipating the baby doing whatever she wants, and also me being exhausted and likely having some PPD. Also BIG MOOD about the bump pics. Mr. Bewellzebub was all over me about it in the early days, but I’m just like “do we not know what pregnant women look like?” I want to remember how it felt being told it was a girl, how the first kicks felt, how buying baby clothes and stuff felt, definitely not how I’m feeling about my body.

Hang in there - that’s all we can do right now really (she said, with the crazy eyes, while actively not trying to pull out her hair). Every day is another day closer to baby time =]

#9 Nemophilist

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Posted 19 February 2021 - 10:04 AM

I stopped looking at BMI and weight completely. It's kind of a double-edged sword because I panic if I see the number, but I also panic not knowing. My doctor thinks it's better just not knowing.

What I'll probably do it not weigh myself until a month after baby is born to give my body some time to adjust to rapid weight-loss from birth, hormones, and beginning breastfeeding. I just know that any number over 100 lbs is going to freak me out...but maybe I'll be a little less upset if I can get back into some of my normal routines.

Ty to the user who told us to hang in here. It's so hard. People keep asking for bump pics and telling me to take pics even just for myself. I just can't. Literally don't want to even remember being pregnant because of how miserable my mental health is.

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I second the bby bump picture thing. I HATED taking them for family, honestly im so glad I did though! I didn't look at them until my 3rd trimester and now comparing them through the stages has helped me to see that im not as large as I feel like (despite gaining 60 pounds) and it really is all mostly in my stomach.


My point is if you don't want to take them for you, development photos maybe a helpful tool to calm down if you take them then wait to compare them to when you're closer to birth! But as always fo what you feel is best for you ♡

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97

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#10 bewellzebub

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Posted 09 March 2021 - 09:12 AM

I second the bby bump picture thing. I HATED taking them for family, honestly im so glad I did though! I didn't look at them until my 3rd trimester and now comparing them through the stages has helped me to see that im not as large as I feel like (despite gaining 60 pounds) and it really is all mostly in my stomach.


My point is if you don't want to take them for you, development photos maybe a helpful tool to calm down if you take them then wait to compare them to when you're closer to birth! But as always fo what you feel is best for you ♡

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This honestly sounds like a good idea but idk if I have the courage for that! Although I have been feeling a little better since my belly has kept getting bigger, but thankfully my butt and thigh area has pretty much chilled out. So maybe I’ll give it a try if I’m feeling adventurous. Sorry, I know this comment is a few weeks old.

#11 bewellzebub

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Posted 09 March 2021 - 09:49 AM

To continue updating, I’m 24 weeks now and my OB assures me that this is an exceptionally healthy pregnancy, which is a relief! I had a brief early labor scare just before 23 weeks, but thankfully it was just a scare, and everything is as it should be. That was a fun morning.

The depression that I was fully expecting to hit at some point has arrived, unfortunately, but it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It’s mostly been just not feeling motivated during the day, and not really being able to pick myself up out of a bad mood. In the past, I’ve experienced depression so severe it’s hospitalized me, so if it has to hit, I would much rather it hit like this. I knew I would probably deal with this at some point while pregnant, just because of hormones. I’m also fully expecting to deal with some postpartum depression, based on my mental health history and also my mother’s postpartum experience, but my therapist is well aware of that and so is my family, so I’ll have plenty of support if it does happen. I have my fingers crossed that it doesn’t, but I would rather be prepared.

Also, something happened that was honestly too ridiculous and crazymaking to even be triggering and i thought someone here might get a kick out of it - a family member who is obsessed with her weight (probably not an eating disorder, but definitely an unhealthy fixation) had previously told me, “I was SO DEPRESSED because I had gained two pounds, but then I lost four, so it was okay!” This was while I was gaining weight but not really showing, and I was really struggling with it, and so I mentioned that, hoping she would understand that I didn’t want to hear it, but nope, she kept going. Then recently, she had the utter lack of social graces to say to my face, “So, I know you’re gaining weight, so don’t make this about that, but I’m sooo happy because I lost half a pound!” Oh my god I’m getting mad just remembering. First of all, half a pound is the hill she’s willing to die on? And second, like. She made it seem like I was just randomly gaining, like she didn’t even say “I know you’re pregnant,” which would have been annoying enough. And third, this tells me she DID understand I didn’t want to hear about her weight last time, and just didn’t care because she wanted to talk about it. Ooohhh my god. I was legit too angry to be triggered. DoNt MakE tHiS aBoUt tHAt


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