Scared of being alone forever - Age 30+ - Forums and Community

Jump to content


About MPA

MPA is a site dedicated to the support or recovery of those suffering from eating disorders or body dysmorphic disorders. Please be sensitive to this fact when creating an account and contributing to the board.


Photo

Scared of being alone forever


  • Please log in to reply
22 replies to this topic

#1 Mrs.Holmes

Mrs.Holmes

    Advanced Warrior

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 367 posts
  • LocationNorway

Posted 17 January 2021 - 01:18 PM

I’m turning 30 I’m May, and I’ve spent most my 20’s being overweight. Due to my horrible body I haven’t wanted to date, which means I’ve more or less been single my entire life (except for a few short relationships / hookups). Just the thought of being intimate with my current body makes me sick.
Being alone forever, and not having children, getting married etc. terrifies me so much that I’m finally now losing weight after trying for 10 years. It’s pretty extreme as well, but idc, I’m desperate.
I’m scared of dating again however, and not knowing how to flirt and everything that comes with a relationship. I’m also scared that all the “good guys” are taken, which is stupid I know. I don’t feel unattractive (especially at a lower weight) but I’m just scared no one will want me regardless or not being able to meet someone I really like.
I’m dreaming of having those real feelings for someone, and then wanting me as well.
Don’t know why I’m typing this, but I just had to get it out somewhere.

So.. how do I date?🙊 tinder? Should I tell potential men that I don’t have that much experience?
Ugh I’m such a loser.

 


#2 TheBigRedMachine<3

TheBigRedMachine<3

    Advanced Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1318 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 17 January 2021 - 01:25 PM

I am curious as to how Covid changes the dating scene so my advice may not be really current.

 

If you can afford it and are interested in online dating, spring for E-harmony or something like that.  I met my husband that way after a very difficult breakup and I recommend it to anyone.   Unless it has greatly changed since I was on it.

 

You just have to try and push through the fears, which I know is easier said than done.  You don't need to tell your dates that you don't have much experience, if you meet the right person that will probably come with natural conversation as your relationship progresses and you will realize it really doesn't matter.  There is nothing to be ashamed of for not being that experienced.   I only dated three guys my entire life so you could say I am not experienced but it doesn't matter.

 

I wish you the best of luck on your journey!


Weight: 

SW: 144.4 (around 1/13/2021)

CW: 141.8 (1/26/2021)

 

Highest weight: 178

Lowest weight: 110

"Stable" weight: 135-140

 

Current Goal = 120 pounds 

UGW = 110

 

**PSA - my user name is in reference to my favorite wrestler... starting to think it may be interpreted as something else... :)

 

"This is just a courtesy call, this is just a matter of policy.  This is just an act of kindness to let you know that your time is up" - Courtesy Call.  Sixx AM


#3 Mrs.Holmes

Mrs.Holmes

    Advanced Warrior

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 367 posts
  • LocationNorway

Posted 17 January 2021 - 02:08 PM

Thanks for your reply 😊 I’m not sure if we have those sites, but I’ll try to find something similar. Thanks that’s good to hear, I was thinking more in terms of sex etc, it feels like women my age have loads more experience than me.. but you’re right, if it’s the right person then it will probably not be that bad.
  • TheBigRedMachine<3 likes this

 


#4 TheBigRedMachine<3

TheBigRedMachine<3

    Advanced Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1318 posts
  • LocationUSA

Posted 17 January 2021 - 05:30 PM

Thanks for your reply I’m not sure if we have those sites, but I’ll try to find something similar. Thanks that’s good to hear, I was thinking more in terms of sex etc, it feels like women my age have loads more experience than me.. but you’re right, if it’s the right person then it will probably not be that bad.

 

Trust me.....  they won't care about your lack of sexual experience unless they are a real jackass.  

 

And I know this is probably obvious but don't do something if you are not comfortable with it.  Like I said, you meet the right person then he will respect you.  Like I said, I have been off the dating scene for a while, but there is nothing wrong with taking things slow even at age 30. 


  • Mrs.Holmes likes this

Weight: 

SW: 144.4 (around 1/13/2021)

CW: 141.8 (1/26/2021)

 

Highest weight: 178

Lowest weight: 110

"Stable" weight: 135-140

 

Current Goal = 120 pounds 

UGW = 110

 

**PSA - my user name is in reference to my favorite wrestler... starting to think it may be interpreted as something else... :)

 

"This is just a courtesy call, this is just a matter of policy.  This is just an act of kindness to let you know that your time is up" - Courtesy Call.  Sixx AM


#5 BethChilds

BethChilds

    Advanced Guru

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 633 posts
  • LocationLos Angeles, CA

Posted 19 January 2021 - 12:36 PM

I just re-signed up for bumble and hinge. It utterly depresses me as well as scares the absolute shit out of me. I don't know how to date even without a pandemic going on. Flirting is something I've never understood. Just wanted to comment to let ya know I completely understand. I worry and consider telling potential partners about my lack of experience despite my age, but always kind of chicken out and just take myself off the apps before anything comes of the conversations. I exclusively date women and know I shouldn't worry *too* much about this, but it still is so anxiety provoking and makes me feel bad. I hope you are able to push through the fear and find success on those apps! I'm gonna be working on the same thing. Sorry I don't have much advice. I just really related to what you wrote.


  • Mrs.Holmes likes this

#6 rcanina

rcanina

    Advanced Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1862 posts

Posted 20 January 2021 - 04:32 PM

can't conceive of the apps ( social anxiety ) #nothelping



#7 glamorjunkie

glamorjunkie

    Advanced Guru

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 756 posts

Posted 20 January 2021 - 05:56 PM

My heart goes out to you, and I feel your pain and desperation. You are most definitely not a loser! 

 

The first thing you need to do before anything else, is love yourself for who you are. Before you even get on a dating app, work on yourself, your confidence, and your appreciation for the amazing person that is you, regardless of life experiences in comparisons to others. 

 

Once you get to this point, you won't feel scared of dating or putting yourself out in dating world. Like attracts like. 

 

I am 37, and I've never been part of a mutually exclusive romantic relationship. I've dated men for periods of time (i.e longest being 4 months) but I've never been someone's girlfriend or exclusive partner. At my age now, I feel as though most of the men I would date have baggage - divorced, children etc and that's not baggage I necessarily want to entertain in my future existence. And while it sometimes bothers me that I may never get married or have the opportunity to have children and a family, I am ok with that. Don't get me wrong, it took me many years to come to this realisation but I am happier for it. 

 

You still have lots of time ahead of you! I'm more than sure there are some wonderful, genuine, kind single men out in the world in their early 30s :)

 

Don't give up just yet! ;)


  • Mrs.Holmes likes this

#8 chokinghazard

chokinghazard

    Advanced Guru

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 853 posts

Posted 21 January 2021 - 06:41 PM

I'm 39, two times divorced, no kids. I'm honestly not looking to change that situation. I can get male company if that's what I'm looking for (even platonic company, which is sometimes what I want, so I'm not stuck settling for a fwb that only wants to have sex or anything) and I have my space and freedom. Getting older and not having a partner isn't the end of the world, and it's well worth waiting for someone that will match well with you and not settle for someone out of infatuation or desperation. I won't lie, for a while I was freaking out that I was too old and going to just end up alone so I should just go back to my last partner, but I resisted and those fears have melted into a better sense of independence and security. I don't want a relationship and might not for a long time, if ever, and that's okay. I mean what does it mean to "end up" as anything? I'm likely to live to an old old age, and I'm not even half done with my life. I refuse to be thought of as "ended up" as anything with so many years to go lol. So much life to live still (this is barring something like my suicidal ideation ever growing up into something serious, though, of course)

 

OH I went off on a tangent sorry. My POINT here was that if I'm 39 and don't struggle in a pandemic to find men to talk to romantically, you certainly will not struggle at 30. There are plenty of unattached people looking for love in the world. Hot singles in your area, etc etc. Also, everyone has baggage, especially all of us, right lmfao


  • Mrs.Holmes and Gal1246 like this

4'11.5"

LW: 100.8 lbs

HW: 171 lbs

CW: 112.8

GW: 90 lbs


#9 uselessassholec:

uselessassholec:

    Advanced Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2049 posts

Posted 21 January 2021 - 07:02 PM

i feel you i am nearly 30 with no friends or much of a life to be honest im just worried that i will never have any irl friends at al


  • Mrs.Holmes and brevity like this
-not using anymore-

 

 

 

 

 


#10 chocolatewaif

chocolatewaif

    Omniscient

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4636 posts

Posted 21 January 2021 - 09:33 PM

I'll be 35 in March and I just got hit on randomly by a man as I was walking to the grocery store to go run some errands, in my mask, lol. I get a lot of cat calls, which I ignore. But this guy actually stopped me and asked for my number. But then he was like oh I don't have my phone on me can you wait for me to go get a pen and paper. And I kept it pushing when he walked off.  :huh:

 

I don't worry about whether men are attracted to me physically. I do personally worry about whether or not I would find a man who truly wants to love and care for me because that's what I'm pretty sure I've never had. 

 

I by in large don't have the best dating experience. I didn't date at all as a teen/early 20s. Then I was in a relationship for 5 years and got out when I was 30. And I've spent the last five years attempting to date and its all left little to be desired. A slew of men just looking to hook up and largely ghosting when they realize I won't hop directly into bed with them. I've had to walk out of dates after men have tried to force me to make out with them in the middle of restaurants. Plus various levels of stalking and sexual assault over my life. 

 

Like self esteem issues aside I can, especially at lower weights, understand that I am likely of above average attractiveness. But its like if I'm so pretty  why am I treated so badly? 

 

I struggle with wondering if I should just give up and not date or seek romantic relationships at all. There are so many things in my life that I want to do. I'm like if having a partner is not my lot in life there are so many other things I can do, as opposed to having to fight like hell to get back my sense of worth every time a man decides that I make his dick hard. 

 

It's a challenge because I've spent my entire life trying to become "the perfect woman" and now that am, somewhere close to that I don't even want to be bothered. 

 

And as a WoC I struggle with the stereotypes that men don't actually want me they just want sex and to throw me away. And part of what triggered my ED was hoping to avoid that but here I am like a self-fulfilling prophecy.


  • Mrs.Holmes, back_to_skinny and brevity like this

I wanna be special. So fucking special.

 

Height: 5'5"

 

Current: 121.5 | Start: 142 | Goal: 120 Ultimate: 110
 

#11 back_to_skinny

back_to_skinny

    Advanced Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2319 posts
  • LocationVienna

Posted 24 January 2021 - 02:22 AM

Good morning Mrs. Holmes,

 

Actually I've been trying to post for a couple of days now but I unfortunately never really found the time. Anyway, I'd like to reassure you that I'm convinced that there is the right partner out there for everyone and also for you! Sometimes it just takes a little time. Please try to stay positive.

 

Maybe these couple of examples (from my personal experience) may put your mind at ease. First, I can tell from my personal experience that it sometimes takes a while. For instance, I used to date my high school love in high school and all up to my mid-20ies when I finally realized that we were not meant to be as I could not see a future with him anymore, both of us had changed, had different goals in life. Believe me that after being with someone for around 10 years at such a young age, while coming from an abusive household and having no other (dating) experiences I felt quite helpless, terribly afraid, when I was suddenly single when some of my other friends started to marry and give birth to children.

 

At the same time, I'd like to stress it again that I was completely unfamiliar with the dating scene, afraid of it and felt as if I would stay alone forever. Anyway, still I went on some dates but it quickly turned out that most of the men were just looking for hookups with no strings attached which I definitely wasn't and which was the reason why I didn't pursue anything with them anymore. What I've learnt here is to walk away if somebody pursues totally different goals than you yourself pursue as there are actually candidates out there who are looking for the same ones. 

 

Anyway, after three years of meeting candidates I internally somehow gave up and accepted the fact that I would either stay alone or be with someone who is nice but whom I don't love, or not love romantically which is exactly the time when I met my SO. At least, for me the saying proves true that if a person meets his/her right match, he/she instantly just knows. We've been dating for three years now and every day I'm extremely grateful that I get to share my life with him and I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him. 

 

Another example would be my grandmother. Unfortunately, my grandfather with whom she had led a happy marriage passed away in 2005 and after his death, my grandmother stayed alone for some time. After a while she attended some social gatherings again and after some years she met her boyfriend with whom she could enjoy a couple of more years. Unfortunately, his health has declined rapidly which has left him unable to interact with his environment anymore. 

 

Besides these highly personal examples, I also know a couple of friends who had been single for quite some time but threw themselves into the dating scene and finally met their match. 

 

I hope my examples comfort/inspire you to pursue your dreams more. All the best!


my stats, accountability thread and thinspiration 

Spoiler

 

FtGE.gif

 

...being a loving partner...

wdxpp1.png

fingers crossed 


#12 back_to_skinny

back_to_skinny

    Advanced Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2319 posts
  • LocationVienna

Posted 24 January 2021 - 02:25 AM

I'll be 35 in March and I just got hit on randomly by a man as I was walking to the grocery store to go run some errands, in my mask, lol. I get a lot of cat calls, which I ignore. But this guy actually stopped me and asked for my number. But then he was like oh I don't have my phone on me can you wait for me to go get a pen and paper. And I kept it pushing when he walked off.  :huh:
 
I don't worry about whether men are attracted to me physically. I do personally worry about whether or not I would find a man who truly wants to love and care for me because that's what I'm pretty sure I've never had. 
 
I by in large don't have the best dating experience. I didn't date at all as a teen/early 20s. Then I was in a relationship for 5 years and got out when I was 30. And I've spent the last five years attempting to date and its all left little to be desired. A slew of men just looking to hook up and largely ghosting when they realize I won't hop directly into bed with them. I've had to walk out of dates after men have tried to force me to make out with them in the middle of restaurants. Plus various levels of stalking and sexual assault over my life. 
 
Like self esteem issues aside I can, especially at lower weights, understand that I am likely of above average attractiveness. But its like if I'm so pretty  why am I treated so badly? 
 
I struggle with wondering if I should just give up and not date or seek romantic relationships at all. There are so many things in my life that I want to do. I'm like if having a partner is not my lot in life there are so many other things I can do, as opposed to having to fight like hell to get back my sense of worth every time a man decides that I make his dick hard. 
 
It's a challenge because I've spent my entire life trying to become "the perfect woman" and now that am, somewhere close to that I don't even want to be bothered. 
 
And as a WoC I struggle with the stereotypes that men don't actually want me they just want sex and to throw me away. And part of what triggered my ED was hoping to avoid that but here I am like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
 
I am a purveyor of dating and self help books. This is one I've been reading. The author really hopped on the train and wrote a book about dating during the pandemic, lol. He has a ton of books overall, so you can check out his other titles as well. But I've posted a link below if you'd like to download it. 
 
https://drive.google...ew?usp=sharing 
If/when you see this can you reply that you have so I can remove sharing off of this doc? Thanks :) Anyone else who clicks on the link will have access as well. I'll likely remove it in 2-3 days.


Thank you for the upload. I've just downloaded the book for a friend. I hope this is ok with you?

my stats, accountability thread and thinspiration 

Spoiler

 

FtGE.gif

 

...being a loving partner...

wdxpp1.png

fingers crossed 


#13 chocolatewaif

chocolatewaif

    Omniscient

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4636 posts

Posted 24 January 2021 - 05:56 PM

Thank you for the upload. I've just downloaded the book for a friend. I hope this is ok with you?

 

 

Yeah that's fine! :) Glad to share. 


I wanna be special. So fucking special.

 

Height: 5'5"

 

Current: 121.5 | Start: 142 | Goal: 120 Ultimate: 110
 

#14 Mrs.Holmes

Mrs.Holmes

    Advanced Warrior

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 367 posts
  • LocationNorway

Posted 27 January 2021 - 02:18 PM

Thank you all so much for your replies <3, so sweet ! I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier, I didn't put notifications on.

I actually feel a bit more positive now. I just have to lose some more weight before starting to date again.

Again, thank you :)


  • chokinghazard and rcanina like this

 


#15 Gal1246

Gal1246

    Advanced Member

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPip
  • 104 posts

Posted 29 January 2021 - 07:32 PM

I feel you.  I have shut people out for months and years due to higher weights.  All because I never thought anyone could love a chubby me.  Things are especially hard right now due to the pandemic.  I feel like my entire life is on hold. Things will turn around one day xoxo


  • back_to_skinny likes this

#16 back_to_skinny

back_to_skinny

    Advanced Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2319 posts
  • LocationVienna

Posted 30 January 2021 - 02:36 AM

I feel you.  I have shut people out for months and years due to higher weights.  All because I never thought anyone could love a chubby me.  Things are especially hard right now due to the pandemic.  I feel like my entire life is on hold. Things will turn around one day xoxo


I can totally relate to the feeling of 'my entire life being on hold'. What I always try to tell me then that eventually the pandemic ends and then more normalcy returns. I hope so much for this to be the case at least from summer onwards...

my stats, accountability thread and thinspiration 

Spoiler

 

FtGE.gif

 

...being a loving partner...

wdxpp1.png

fingers crossed 


#17 shyness

shyness

    Advanced Sage

  • Validating
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2106 posts

Posted 30 January 2021 - 06:07 AM

I’m 30 and have never been in a relationship. I’ve never hooked up with a guy either. I’m also overweight and have avoided men my whole life because I am not comfortable with my body either. I feel like I need to reach my goal weight to be happy with myself and then maybe I can start dating. I’m also afraid that all the good men are taken or already have children and such. Sigh. I feel like it’s too late for me.

#18 Mrs.Holmes

Mrs.Holmes

    Advanced Warrior

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 367 posts
  • LocationNorway

Posted 30 January 2021 - 09:37 AM

I’m 30 and have never been in a relationship. I’ve never hooked up with a guy either. I’m also overweight and have avoided men my whole life because I am not comfortable with my body either. I feel like I need to reach my goal weight to be happy with myself and then maybe I can start dating. I’m also afraid that all the good men are taken or already have children and such. Sigh. I feel like it’s too late for me.

Same. The main reason I haven't been in any long term relationships is because I'm disgusted with my body. And I've just kept thinking that "when I'm skinny, I'll start dating", " when I'm skinny, I'll actually have a life", and then life just happened.
But lately I've realised that I actually have to get my shit together and lose the weight if I'm ever going to meet someone, so that's why it's finally working I think. Just the fear of never meeting someone terrifies me. 


 


#19 ky0t0

ky0t0

    Advanced Guru

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 669 posts
  • LocationNova Scotia Canada

Posted 30 January 2021 - 10:38 AM

I often daydream about being single and having freedom to not have to worry about another person. Mostly because I’ve never had time to be alone, I’ve been a serial monogamist most of my life.

I’ve learned about myself that I enjoy polyamory, but my husband not so much and my desire for the freedom someone like you has is always growing. It’s not that I don’t love my hubs, I just long for my own space, my own home, my own independence.

What I’m getting at is that being on your own isn’t a bad thing. There is some good - just try to let yourself be who you want to be and eventually you will find you start to attract like-minded people.

With Covid, I can’t even imagine trying to date. When hubs and I were dabbling in poly and I had a lovely girlfriend for a while, it was hard enough. I hope that you can find what makes your soul happy.
  • Mrs.Holmes likes this

Height: 5 foot 4
Current Weight: 115 pounds
Highest Weight: 140 pounds
Lowest Weight: 105 pounds
Goal Weight 1: 115 pounds
Goal Weight 2: 110 pounds
UGW: 104 pounds
My Accountability:https://www.myproana.../#entry28644922


#20 afellowghost

afellowghost

    Sage

  • Accountability access
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1016 posts

Posted 30 January 2021 - 07:11 PM

can't conceive of the apps ( social anxiety ) #nothelping

 

I've been with the same person monogamously since dating apps first came out so I've had little experience with them, but I'd imagine they would be better when it comes to dating? Don't gotta see anyone in person right away and if you're not vibing you can just unmatch them lol.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users