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Everything is wrong *tw and ranting


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#1 Winchesters-Angel

Winchesters-Angel

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Posted 29 January 2021 - 05:00 PM

I knew before I even had my baby I was at risk for postpartum depression. Like, it was stupid obvious based on my trauma and history. They told me the signs to look out for, I had a game plan with my fiance and all of that... and I'm so glad to know it hasnt affected how I bond with my daughter.

What i DIDNT count on, however, was the PTSD after delivery... I'm terrified of anything near my vagina. I thought it was just an extreme lack of libido on top of being asexual. Until I went to get an IUD birth control, and had an absolute breakdown and couldnt get it.... even though I've already had it before. Like, I know it wasnt that bad. And it wasnt anywhere more painful than labor. But I couldnt do it. I dont want sex, I cant even masturbate... even the checkups and the examinations after birth made me extremely uncomfortable. I was just numb to it because I was more terrified of something being left up there.

But between that, and restriction, and nicotine addiction while being too broke to support it, and lack of sleep... I've just been so ANGRY.
I've never ever ever had a rage issue before. I'm not generally an angry person. But ive had such a short temper with everyone, including my infant, and it makes me feel like such a godawful person.
Every time I catch myself raising my voice with my baby, I immediately start crying. I know it's not her fault. Shes only crying because she has a need that isnt being met. I dont know why sometimes it bothers me so much. And of course, when I start to feel like shit, I punish myself by fasting and being around binge foods... I havent eaten in 2 days, and my fiance has barely noticed.
I talk to my therapist, but I cant being myself to talk to her about my eating issues... I can't even call it an ed because I was never diagnosed.

I just feel myself slipping into this downward spiral. I'm actively hiding it from my fiance, but visiting these sites in secret... like he knows something's up, but it's like he thinks I'm cheating... why the fuck would I cheat if I'm legitimately scared of sex and he gives me all the emotional love I need and then some??

I dont know. I needed to vent in full, and maybe see if theres someone else out there who knows what it's like to be stuck in this hell. Talking to a therapist only does so much when you cant bring yourself to talk about the whole truth.
  • TheShowMustGoOn likes this

Dean - Hate what you see

 

Taking it one day at a time.



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