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Regretting becoming a mum


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#1 Coffin50

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Posted 09 February 2021 - 10:29 PM

My 5 years old son tells me everyday that he hates me and it would be better without me.
I know he doesn't really mean it, but because I'm thinking the same (=they'd be better without me) I'm getting suicidal.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to raise my kids. As soon as I say something they don't like (in a normal or even kind voice) my son would tell me to shut up. So I've been raising my voice more and more, which of course just makes the situation even worse, he would scream and hit. But I'm tired of pretending that I'm kind and I have patience, when the result ("I hate you", "It'd be better without you") is the same...

I regret becoming a mum. I just want to disappear.

I don't know why I'm posting it here, probably because I have noone to talk to.
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#2 impmon

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Posted 09 February 2021 - 10:43 PM

counselling. sports. art. music. he needs an outlet.

this isn't normal behavior at the age of 5. if there are other people in your kids life who may be harming him or showing him these behaviors, you need to stop it at that source before working on him. 

he could also have a disability that needs diagnosed and medicated and he needs to be professionally taught coping mechanisms.

you're valid for not wanting this. but it's your life and your solutions will involve reaching out for help.

 

i was honestly really similar when i got to like 10 years old. i told everyone i hated them, that i wanted to kill myself. it was because of emotional neglect and lots of screaming in my family and later lots of other neglect. my parents never believed in medication or professional help 'cause boohoo what if it stunted my personality. they tried to get me into sports and then emotionally neglected me when i quit because i broke a bone. not allowed to participate in anything else. that is the thing i resent them as an adult the most for. never letting me get help. get your kid help and in turn yourself some relief. 


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#3 whittee

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Posted 09 February 2021 - 10:46 PM

My 5 years old son tells me everyday that he hates me and it would be better without me.
I know he doesn't really mean it, but because I'm thinking the same (=they'd be better without me) I'm getting suicidal.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to raise my kids. As soon as I say something they don't like (in a normal or even kind voice) my son would tell me to shut up. So I've been raising my voice more and more, which of course just makes the situation even worse, he would scream and hit. But I'm tired of pretending that I'm kind and I have patience, when the result ("I hate you", "It'd be better without you") is the same...

I regret becoming a mum. I just want to disappear.

I don't know why I'm posting it here, probably because I have noone to talk to.

just asking... doesn't your son have ADHD? these kids can be aggressive more than others.

 

also it's probably just a phase. try to ignore them and not giving them too much of attention when they get mad. I think by that you could teach them to calm down by themselves and that your attention costs something.

 

when kids start crying, it's better to just stay calm and silent, take few steps back and ignore it(if the kid doesn't beg for a hug, of course) until they are calmer. then I always asked them "and what you'd want now to feel better?" and when they keep on saying "I don't know" I'd just say "well, okay, so tell me when you will know". you just need to let them be angry. kids are like this. they often beg for attention through crying, anger and hatress - they just want you to notice. as soon as they learn you notice them when they are angry and aggressive, they'll use it. that's why you need to ignore it as much as possible. when the child keeps on yelling/saying "you don't care about me!" when they are angry, just tell them "I care about you. but you need to calm down" and that's it. don't make it too easy for them to get your attention.

 

and also as I said, check if they don't have some kind of behavioral disorder.

 

to raise your voice isn't gonna help anything (as you know), but I know you can't help yourself sometimes. I know it's hard. the best solution is, as I sad, to just let the kid be - let it be angry, let it hate you. ignore it. they don't mean it, so they'll calm down and regret their words later.

 

also, when your child tells you "I hate you" try to, very calmly, reply with "you just hurt my feelings. I'm your mom, I love you" - sometimes it works, sometimes doesn't. but it could help the kid to realize what they actually said.

 

what about some acitivities you two could do together? fun and sports, something? kids need to use their energy, otherwise they can have mood swings etc. + some activities you could do together would probably help your relationship.

 

I love to read with kids every night. Not only it's good for them, but it helps to let them remember you care and that you're here for them. buying them little "surprises" (chocolate or something healthier, but tasty) is also a good way to teach the kid you're a source of happiness.

 

... still, I'd suggest to go to the professional. reach for help. this is not a normal behaviour for five year old.

if you're against "professionals", try homeopathy.


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#4 Coffin50

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Posted 09 February 2021 - 11:53 PM

counselling. sports. art. music. he needs an outlet.
this isn't normal behavior at the age of 5. if there are other people in your kids life who may be harming him or showing him these behaviors, you need to stop it at that source before working on him. 
he could also have a disability that needs diagnosed and medicated and he needs to be professionally taught coping mechanisms.
you're valid for not wanting this. but it's your life and your solutions will involve reaching out for help.
 
i was honestly really similar when i got to like 10 years old. i told everyone i hated them, that i wanted to kill myself. it was because of emotional neglect and lots of screaming in my family and later lots of other neglect. my parents never believed in medication or professional help 'cause boohoo what if it stunted my personality. they tried to get me into sports and then emotionally neglected me when i quit because i broke a bone. not allowed to participate in anything else. that is the thing i resent them as an adult the most for. never letting me get help. get your kid help and in turn yourself some relief.


Thanks for you reply, he's taking an art class and a sport class once a week after kindergarten.
He does NOT say he wants to hurt himself, only that he hates me and it'd be better without me.

#5 Coffin50

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Posted 10 February 2021 - 12:03 AM

T

just asking... doesn't your son have ADHD? these kids can be aggressive more than others.
 
also it's probably just a phase. try to ignore them and not giving them too much of attention when they get mad. I think by that you could teach them to calm down by themselves and that your attention costs something.
 
when kids start crying, it's better to just stay calm and silent, take few steps back and ignore it(if the kid doesn't beg for a hug, of course) until they are calmer. then I always asked them "and what you'd want now to feel better?" and when they keep on saying "I don't know" I'd just say "well, okay, so tell me when you will know". you just need to let them be angry. kids are like this. they often beg for attention through crying, anger and hatress - they just want you to notice. as soon as they learn you notice them when they are angry and aggressive, they'll use it. that's why you need to ignore it as much as possible. when the child keeps on yelling/saying "you don't care about me!" when they are angry, just tell them "I care about you. but you need to calm down" and that's it. don't make it too easy for them to get your attention.
 
and also as I said, check if they don't have some kind of behavioral disorder.
 
to raise your voice isn't gonna help anything (as you know), but I know you can't help yourself sometimes. I know it's hard. the best solution is, as I sad, to just let the kid be - let it be angry, let it hate you. ignore it. they don't mean it, so they'll calm down and regret their words later.
 
also, when your child tells you "I hate you" try to, very calmly, reply with "you just hurt my feelings. I'm your mom, I love you" - sometimes it works, sometimes doesn't. but it could help the kid to realize what they actually said.
 
what about some acitivities you two could do together? fun and sports, something? kids need to use their energy, otherwise they can have mood swings etc. + some activities you could do together would probably help your relationship.
 
I love to read with kids every night. Not only it's good for them, but it helps to let them remember you care and that you're here for them. buying them little "surprises" (chocolate or something healthier, but tasty) is also a good way to teach the kid you're a source of happiness.
 
... still, I'd suggest to go to the professional. reach for help. this is not a normal behaviour for five year old.
if you're against "professionals", try homeopathy.


Thank you!

He does have some developmental disorder, but apparently it's not bad enough to get it treated...

I've been actually ignoring his behaviour unconciously by "escaping". I don't want to shout and I'm so tired so sometimes I just escape... he usually comes after me a bit later saying sorry.. but I just can't do this several times every single day.

I used to like playing with them but not anymore. I can't wait for the day to end and be alone.

He comes home from the kindergarten tired and if he gets overtired everything is even worse. So I only take them to park/playground in the weekend.

I'm reading to them every night, but he doesn't listen, keeps playing and talking so reading is becoming quite stressful too.

Snacks have become a MUST. And they keep having tantruns about wanting to have more.

#6 Phtisie

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Posted 19 February 2021 - 02:56 AM

My 5 years old son tells me everyday that he hates me and it would be better without me.
I know he doesn't really mean it, but because I'm thinking the same (=they'd be better without me) I'm getting suicidal.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to raise my kids. As soon as I say something they don't like (in a normal or even kind voice) my son would tell me to shut up. So I've been raising my voice more and more, which of course just makes the situation even worse, he would scream and hit. But I'm tired of pretending that I'm kind and I have patience, when the result ("I hate you", "It'd be better without you") is the same...

I regret becoming a mum. I just want to disappear.

I don't know why I'm posting it here, probably because I have noone to talk to.

 

 

I'm sorry I dont really have any advice aside from maybe looking for a parental help support group of some kind, I dont have kids myself because I never wanted them so you can imagine your post is a nightmare to read for me.

I really hope you find solutions and that you can get assistance.

If anything you can always message me if you need to rant or vent.


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#7 Coffin50

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Posted 19 February 2021 - 05:46 PM

I'm sorry I dont really have any advice aside from maybe looking for a parental help support group of some kind, I dont have kids myself because I never wanted them so you can imagine your post is a nightmare to read for me.
I really hope you find solutions and that you can get assistance.
If anything you can always message me if you need to rant or vent.


Thank you!

#8 _PrettyWings_

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Posted 20 February 2021 - 09:54 PM

Do you do any kind of punishment? If he says life will be better without you pretend like he got his wish. Tell him you won't make his food,help him clean up, etc. My son is also 5 & the other day he said "I wish you'd just leave me alone" after I asked him to do a simple task. So I told him fine, do everything yourself and take care of yourself. After a couple of minutes he began crying and apologized. A child telling their parent such mean things is unacceptable especially if they have good parent(s). Your son may also benefit from some type of counseling.


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