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Living with a partner?


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#1 LydiaAgain

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Posted 16 February 2021 - 09:39 AM

Does anyone else live with their partner, and if so, how does it work with your ED?  And are you open with them about it?

 

We only eat dinner together, which makes it a bit easier.  I hate the fact I'm lying to him about what I've eaten, but on the other hand I know he would try hard to make me eat more if he knew, and I really don't want that conflict.  

 

Incidentally, he hasn't noticed my recent 13 lbs weight loss, which I suppose is understandable when it's winter and I'm bundled up in a dressing gown most of the time! 


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#2 sambali

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Posted 16 February 2021 - 10:54 AM

I really feel you! It's super difficult being in the same house as someone you care about and maintaining this level of secrecy! For me, my ED is definitely not something I feel like tainting my relationship with so I'm not exactly open, nor am I planning to be.

 

Similar to you, my partner doesn't comment on my weight loss but he does know I keep track of calories, that I eat a restrictive diet and that I weigh-in every day. He's on a weight loss journey too though (starting at a very high weight), so doing those things are pretty normalised in our house. 

 

I miss the days of just having dinner to worry about, though. Lockdown has meant that we're doing a lot more meals together and that does mean I sometimes have the choice taken away about what to eat and when. 


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#3 mymotherthemountain

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Posted 16 February 2021 - 01:45 PM

I have been with my partner for 6 years and he is vaguely aware of my ED. He can obviously tell when I gain and lose 50lbs in a short amount of time, but thanks to diet culture, he does not recognize it as an issue. I have a therapist so I don't feel a need to clue my partner in on it. I think that if he became involved it would do more harm than benefit.


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#4 sacrosanctmoth

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Posted 16 February 2021 - 02:34 PM

I have been with my partner almost 16 years so he knows everything about my ed.

#5 Vanno

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Posted 18 February 2021 - 09:26 AM

I don’t officially live with my partner, but since lockdown we have joined forces to be a household together, so he stays at my place and sometimes we stay at his for a change of scenery. He knows about my ed history but I don’t think he really gets it, and it only ever comes up occasionally, like when he asks if I ate and purged the ice cream that was in the freezer I feel bad about that and promised to replace it for him. Or one day he came home early unexpectedly and there was an empty pizza box on the counter. I just made a joke and said lets not talk about the pizza today and he laughed. It has been hard, because I have to deal with having foods around me that I usually wouldn’t have and it triggers b/p sessions. My ED is worse when I live alone, but the anxieties around food are more pressing when he is living with me. After the lockdown, we will probably go back to living separately


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#6 an.obvious.secret

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Posted 20 February 2021 - 02:49 AM

I'm super open with my partner.  he knows about my ED and my SH.  we have an agreement of rules, though.  like, for my SH, I just have to tell him about it within a few days of doing.

 

RE my ED:  I'm allowed to skip meals, but he wants at least OMAD.  we usually eat meals together, but again, I'm allowed to skip if necessary.  he helps me weigh my meals when we make some (including even TV dinners and shit); but when we do a big meal together once a week, I just use the recipe.

 

my general approach in life is be as open as possible so that it's less obvious when I hide something.  for example, I'm agreeing to do OMAD, and I stay honest about it.  buuuuuut, there's no limitations on how small that one meal has to be.  so I eat a small bowl of pickles and call that my OMAD, lol.  he asks if I ate, I can honestly say yes.  :D


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#7 PrinnyWinnie

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Posted 24 February 2021 - 12:37 PM

I’m married and my husband knows about my ed. He is almost constantly worried. I am in therapy for my ed, but have no desire to recover. It’s really tough and the lies are the worst. Like today, I took a donut and threw it away to make him think I ate it because he asked me to. We really only eat dinner together, so he’s used to my small dinners at this point, and usually doesn’t comment too much about it. When we do argue over my ed though, it can get pretty nasty.

#8 Greyish

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Posted 24 February 2021 - 03:11 PM

I have been with my partner for 6 years and he is vaguely aware of my ED. He can obviously tell when I gain and lose 50lbs in a short amount of time, but thanks to diet culture, he does not recognize it as an issue. I have a therapist so I don't feel a need to clue my partner in on it. I think that if he became involved it would do more harm than benefit.

same. I even fasted 42 hours and he didn't notice. On some days there are rarely any dishes in the dishwasher, he doesn't notice either.

 

People are mostly blind to ED if you are not being too obvious (like pacing around the kitchen, mentioning how little you ate, saying you are hungry, pointing out weight loss). And even if you are, grown ups aren't expected to have an ED. I can say the most horrendous ED related things and he laughs it off or doesn't take any of it seriously. He is completely oblivious to the ED, although I told him almost every aspect of the ED.


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#9 roomofglass

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Posted 03 March 2021 - 08:40 AM

It's definitely hard to have a partner. I live in a collective house and we all eat dinner together (and since COVID, many other meals too) and my partner gets upset if I try to skip dinner. I had been recovering the past few years and it was less of an issue, but it's starting to become annoying again. I'm looking forward to people leaving the house more so that I don't feel like I'm under constant scrutiny.



#10 dulcelocura

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Posted 13 March 2021 - 11:22 PM

I live with my fiancé. He’s very aware of my ED; we started dating in 2016, got engaged in 2018 and getting married this fall.
In that time I’ve been to residential three times ha.

It’s the elephant in the room (jk pretty sure I’m the elephant in the room). Like he’s noticed that I’ve stopped eating again but hasn’t directly confronted it. Last time he ended up telling me that he was too afraid to confront me about it because he knew if I got upset I would eat even less. I know it’s not fair to him but idk what to do other than just keep up where we are? I don’t want to but here I am.

Last time I went to treatment he told me he had found my scale a few months before I totally fell apart and when I asked why he left it or didn’t say anything or whatever (I truly thought I had hidden it well), he said “I figured it was your secret thing and you would tell me about it when you thought I should know” which broke my heart. The whole thing breaks my heart.

Idk. I wish he’d been able to know me well. He did, briefly. But I’m not that person anymore. He knows what he got into. We don’t fight about it, it’s just there. And tbh I think maybe part of him had accepted that one day I’m just going to die and he can’t stop it from happening.

Oof sorry that got dark. But it’s a complicated thing I guess. You’re not just two people when there’s an ED. It’s basically a three person situation.

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#11 GiveNoFox

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Posted 30 March 2021 - 11:07 AM

I live with my partner, but he's big into a restrictive diet as well. It's different from mine, he's doing keto and only eats two meals a day of the same foods with a 16 hour fast period every day. He also works out daily. He's been trying to get me to eat keto as well, but sugar is one of my only energy sources, and meat takes WAY too long to digest, so nope.

 

We've been together for over a decade and he's very familiar with my digestive issues and supportive of me. I was actually doing really well for awhile (wasn't on here for about three years) but then the really bad inflammation returned and I'm back to long fasting periods (days) to mitigate the feverish achiness that occurs when my body is digesting food.


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#12 treenymph8

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Posted 08 April 2021 - 10:11 AM

I'm not good at secrecy. The more I hide the more guilty I feel which in return affects my relationship. I opened up about it last year, but didn't go into detail. He just wants me to stop purging, which I have. When we met he had a BMI of 17. He's super thin and eats only one meal a day except on weekends we will eat two meals. I struggle with fasting, so I high restrict. I eat small meals at night with him, but given my food allergies, I make two meals or modify mine to fit my needs.

 

I opened about about my food insecurities, and told him about safe foods vs danger foods. If I had a bad day of eating, then I would have a bad mood. I couldn't explain my mood other than my eating. It was effecting us so I told him more about it recently. He understood to a point. He asked how he could help, and I am allowed to skip when I want. I prefer eating during the day not at night, so it makes it a little difficult for me when he only eats at night. I found some small meals (organic rice ramen) that I can have at night that are under 200 cals. so that was helpful.


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#13 EternalLove

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Posted 08 April 2021 - 05:43 PM

I don't live with my partner but we're moving in pretty soon together. I've been very honest about my eating disorder and although he doesn't understand in the slightest, I won't let it get in the way. He's pretty ignorant with calories and such so we could cook separate dinners and I'll pile my plate high with veggies and he'll say are you really gonna eat all of that?

His ignorance is a blessing I guess and I won't correct it. So maybe just eat low calorie foods at high volumes.

My partner hasn't noticed my weight loss either, nearly 28lbs and he hasn't said a thing I think guys are so fucking clueless.
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UGW: 105lbs

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#14 up.and.down

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Posted 12 April 2021 - 04:17 PM

I live with my husband and he met me just before my recovery, and has been along for my range of weight gain/loss. He and I have a very open and honest relationship. I have told him that I am actively trying to lose weight. My Dr is aware as well. I do sometimes skip meals or under eat and I'm honest about that.. I also at times overeat and I'm honest about that too. He generally doesn't comment unless he doesn't see me eat for two days in a row.


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#15 blacknailsandcorsets

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Posted 12 April 2021 - 09:09 PM

I am open with my partner about my ED. He worries of course, but also is an absolute sweetheart, and just tries to make me feel good so that I don't feel the need to restrict. Massages, hot baths, nice meals, also when I don't eat he keeps bringing me tea and offering small snacks. Treats me like a goddess, and makes me feel worshipped. Doesn't pressure me into anything, and lets me deal with it in my own pace. Honestly he was the reason I survived so long without relapsing, and recovered in the first place.


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