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Anyone else still often just feels like the sad teenager they were?


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#41 promptoargentum

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Posted 17 April 2021 - 09:45 AM

somewhat. I’m 21 and in high school, I tried so hard to overcompensate for my low self esteem and depression. I was extremely loud, overly confident, and always had a smile on my face. Sometimes I’m still like that with close friends...... but I was trying to be something I wasn’t. I was so unhappy all the time :( and now that I’m just so TIRED, I don’t care to pretend anymore

#42 anais m

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Posted 18 April 2021 - 04:37 AM

yes lol but the difference is when I was a teenager people would notice any self destructive habits i had and would try and stop me and now with the freedom, it's much easier to hide


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#43 40978060

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Posted 18 April 2021 - 02:20 PM

I'm the same person as when I was 14. Hard to grow mentally, easy to grow on size. :)


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#44 ScienceBones

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Posted 23 April 2021 - 12:39 PM

I used to feel bad about it, but more recently I've just fully embraced it. Especially as I've met people that are happy to accept me like that. That acceptance probably fueled my ED and now they feed off each other tbh because, well teenage me wasn't fat.

#45 Police Officer’s Whore

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Posted 27 April 2021 - 06:52 PM

Yes. I don’t feel I’ve changed much at all. I miss being 17. That was when I found this site. I was a senior in high school just coming back from winter break. Sometimes, I go back and read my old posts for the nostalgia.

#46 lilo trio

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Posted 27 April 2021 - 10:56 PM

yeah. things aren't much different for me than they used to be. i understand what you mean about missing being a teenager still. i was experiencing those emotions for the first time. that's when my mental health was arguably at its worst. now i feel blank most days. not numb in terms of having that sinking feeling, just neutral. i don't experience happiness often so i wish i was was as bad as i used to be just to feel something.

 

i think i was more engrossed in diet culture and i weirdly miss that. i miss reading tips. i miss looking up lemon cleanses and buying waist trainers even though i knew they were bullshit. that was 2015/2016 when i was about 20. that's the last time i can remember doing stuff like that. i bought an elliptical recently and a new scale but it's not as, for lack of a better term, exciting as it used to be. i guess because my ed/disordered habits worsened once i treated it like a diet and now i'm in the thick of it and can't get rid of it. it's not something i'm doing in part to occupy my mind anymore. i mean, technically it still is but it doesn't feel the same. i don't want to have an eating disorder anymore but i also can't imagine not having one. i still feel like i need that sense of control from restricting.


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#47 tinyhunny

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Posted 28 April 2021 - 01:45 PM

I feel this so deeply. I am 26 and feel like an idiot for constantly feeling nostalgic over my teenage years which were arguably some of the worst years of my life. That feeling of emptiness, profound sadness, and general self-hatred is nothing to be missed...but here I am all this time later kind of being nostalgic for it? Maybe because as I have grown older I have become so emotionally numb that even feeling those extreme lows would be a desirable change for me right now. I am so sick of feeling the same flatness everyday, feeling like even the fleeting moments of happiness I experience once in a blue moon are not enough anymore. I guess when I was younger I felt more powerful and (ew I cannot believe I am going to write this) romantic in my mental illnesses and disordered eating. I feel so ashamed to feel this way. I also have been procrastinating on getting my life together. I extended my uni twice now, still live at home, and avoid talks of the future (with my bf especially) at all costs. Part of me thinks it is because I have never in my life planned for a future (as a teen, never thought i would live long enough to see past 20) so now I am scared. 

 

I do take solace knowing others experience something a little similar to me, so thanks to everyone who has shared their story in this thread. <3


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#48 Outlier

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Posted 29 April 2021 - 11:21 AM

I've come a long way, but on some nights I lay im bed and think,

I was supposed to die when I was sixteen.

I dknt think I was too far away from it.
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#49 smoques

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Posted 30 April 2021 - 08:36 PM

Hey everyone! I totally feel this. I started going on these sites when I was 12. Now I'm 25, dealing with the same shit. Since then, I had tried (and mostly) recovered, gained a ton of weight, and was doing alright for a while. However, I feel like I want more out of life but I have no control over it, you know? things are ok. ok is not enough for me anymore. And I guess if I can't have anything else I want anytime soon, as least maybe I can have this? Does that make sense? Lol



#50 smoques

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Posted 30 April 2021 - 08:41 PM

I feel this so deeply. I am 26 and feel like an idiot for constantly feeling nostalgic over my teenage years which were arguably some of the worst years of my life. That feeling of emptiness, profound sadness, and general self-hatred is nothing to be missed...but here I am all this time later kind of being nostalgic for it? Maybe because as I have grown older I have become so emotionally numb that even feeling those extreme lows would be a desirable change for me right now. I am so sick of feeling the same flatness everyday, feeling like even the fleeting moments of happiness I experience once in a blue moon are not enough anymore. I guess when I was younger I felt more powerful and (ew I cannot believe I am going to write this) romantic in my mental illnesses and disordered eating. I feel so ashamed to feel this way. I also have been procrastinating on getting my life together. I extended my uni twice now, still live at home, and avoid talks of the future (with my bf especially) at all costs. Part of me thinks it is because I have never in my life planned for a future (as a teen, never thought i would live long enough to see past 20) so now I am scared. 

 

I do take solace knowing others experience something a little similar to me, so thanks to everyone who has shared their story in this thread. <3

Hey tiny hunny, you just perfectly worded how I feel! It's so sick, but when I was younger & in the full throttles of my ED, I felt so beautiful and connected and in control. It was like walking around high, except everything was so much clearer? I don't know. I'm just looking for that feeling more than anything, I guess.



#51 sprintergirl

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Posted 02 May 2021 - 11:16 PM

felt. as shitty as it was back then i kinda still wish i could go back to being that girl i used to be partly because things were just simpler then. i wasn't failing out of college yet. i didn't have bills to pay then, or a serious job. my whole life was just my ed, working my ass off in school, and the endless pursuit of finding myself. i lived with my dad and stepfamily and i miss that to this day. things were shitty but looking back, they were also beautiful at the same time.

but at the same time i feel like i never really grew up either. i still am a lot the same as i was back then, probably even more fucked up, honestly. gives me no hope about the future, really.


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#52 liyanah

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Posted 05 May 2021 - 10:01 AM

i kind of relate. i  feel like.... the same level of fucked up but i look back at 15/16 and think "what the fuck was my issue then???". but tbf i also look back on then adn realise my weight was ok then lol!!! so maybe in 10 years ill look back on now and think that this was nothing comparatively.  which is kind of depressing. 


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#53 Limonwater

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Posted 09 May 2021 - 10:01 AM

Im 23, and I feel like my brain hit like 15 and got stuck.

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#54 Seal with a Meal

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Posted 12 May 2021 - 07:58 PM

i dont have any real goals or dream anymore. i would say my dream life would be either to have a creative career, be really skinny and pretty, and to have lots of friends and go to tons of parties. Now that im in my last year of uni- i probably wont be able to pursue something creative, its going to be harder to make lots of friends easily, and i have to focus on a career now. so the only goal i can work on realistically is my looks.


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#55 frogsontoast

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Posted Yesterday, 03:51 AM

i dont have any real goals or dream anymore. i would say my dream life would be either to have a creative career, be really skinny and pretty, and to have lots of friends and go to tons of parties. Now that im in my last year of uni- i probably wont be able to pursue something creative, its going to be harder to make lots of friends easily, and i have to focus on a career now. so the only goal i can work on realistically is my looks.


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Hey - everyone's lives are different, so my experience might not translate to yours, but I found it way easier to make friends post-uni and I have more friends than I did at uni. I wouldn't trade by going back to uni. I feel you, though, it's a scary transition, I hope it works out for you.




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