Trauma--- After my whole world crashed and burned I stopped giving a fuck. The first week alone any 'bad food' any 'high calorie' shit was bought and stuffed in my face. I've been ED focused since I was 11, Im 29 ---- so years of me convincing myself I hate bagels and pastas and carbs and literally conditioning myself to find it disgusting so I don't crave it. Telling myself that I don't like sweets to avoid temptations. Convincing others that I'm allergic to certain foods..... and then when my life came tumbling down I order every fast food thing to my house. Every thing I would never put in my body. Because I didn't care. Because why did it matter. Everything was pointless and everyone I loved died and there was nothing left for me......
Well over 90 bs later I'm not over the trauma part but I'm over the massive obesity part...
I think part of my ED was that it gave me someone to look forward to. Like rules that make feel accomplished. It made me feel a sense of control yes, but it made me (not always but sometimes) made me feel I worth something... even though my ED voice is clearly telling me lies...
Also when I recovered from bulimia as a teenager and I went into full BED mode but than I lost all that weight
Yeah so I have relapsed so many times I can't count. So which time do you want because I got many a stories LOL LOL LOL
"I can't open up and cry. Cause I've been silent all my life" - Marina and the Diamonds.
Update 2/14/2021 So I fucked up again because I'm a fuck up
HW 328 CW 319 New Goal 315 (2021)
(2019) HW- 315. CW- 259 NEXT GOAL - 249
(no longer this one
My Accountability https://www.myproana...nning-on-empty/