So I've been dealing with all of this since 2018 and at the time my ED first developed I was only restricting (no bingeing, no purging) . Then the OSFED madness took over and I alternated between BED, bulimia , binge-fast cycles and get to experience the joys of fluctuating weight. I'm now 13 kg heavier than I was at my LW, and 5 kg heavier than I was when it started.
I had forgotten most of my first bout of anorexia due to malnutrition probably but now memories from this period are coming back. So I'm going to take advantage of this to reproduce my behavior back in the day. This is extremely triggering even for me and that's just how it was back in the day. At the time, I was not even aware that this situation was problematic, so that's not butterfly content in any way, just what my ignorant self would tell was good for weight-loss. So :
- Never laying down except for sleeping
- Breakfast's deadline is 6 : 30 , 2 PM for lunch and 6 : 30 PM. No eating past those hours, any meal missed is lost.
- No candy, no cookies, no chocolate, no greasy stuff, no cheese, no baguette, no potato.
- Sugar is allowed only in tea ( 1 tbsp for 750 ML )
- Doing chores and staying on feet to burn calories
- Always offer to walk to the grocery store is somebody needs something.
- Cold water only for showers
- No eating when no one's watching / forcing me to eat
- Only salt, pepper and mustard for condiments
- Always count calories
- No bites
- I'd skip rope for 20 minutes when I felt too lazy
- I'd do long walks in the park
- I'd walk around school during lunch break
- 30g of oats + half a sliced banana
- tea (blackcurrent-peach was what I used to drink mostly)
- Shredded carrots with 5 tbsp of white rice
- Only whole-wheat bread
- When at the cafeteria, only the small salad and half of the whole-wheat bun ..
- 5 tbsp of rice + 5 tbsp of lentils
- Every kind of flavoured sparkling water on earth
- Frozen fruits (cantaloupe and apples later on)
- Steamed vegetables with mustard (the only dressing allowed)
- Never more than 5 olives
- Half a sliced cucumber with mustard
- Frozen squares of tomato paste
- 5 tbsp of semolina + cucumber slices disposed so each slice overlaps each other
- 39 kcals popsicle as meal replacement
- tea with sugar as meal replacement
WEIRD HABBITS AND MANTRAS
- The hunger means my body is eating its fat so "it's working"
- Guzzling water like crazy after each meal
- Always eating in a small soup plate
- Never eat if no one else does
- Never say you are hungry
- Never tell how much you ate
- Be insensitive towards food (ie. "everything tastes bland anyways")
- Put the AC at the lowest temperature possible
- Walk around the house when bored
- Watching obesity shows or movies like For The Love of Nancy*
- Comparing myself to small people I know and making a table with their photos (found on IG or stuff ), then write down the estimated weight I'd have to reach to get smaller than them.
- "Hunger is an emotion"
- "I can literally live off my own perfection"
- Typing "does x food make you fat" and reading the anaca3 blog answers. If they said to be careful etc. I'd just cut it out. If they said it was good for weight loss, I'd keep it. This was pretty much my Bible.
I insist : I realized I had a problem when I first stumbled across MPA because many of my Google searches led me there. I was reluctant to check it out but by pure curiosity I decided to see for myself what this site was all about. Then after this I discovered that pro-ana was a thing, as well as thinspo, "triggering" movies and music and pretty much anything else related to this.