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*recreating phase 1 of my ED* - TW


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#1 brandy-blink

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Posted 26 February 2021 - 01:36 AM

So I've been dealing with all of this since 2018 and at the time my ED first developed I was only restricting (no bingeing, no purging) . Then the OSFED madness took over and I alternated between BED, bulimia , binge-fast cycles and get to experience the joys of fluctuating weight. I'm now 13 kg heavier than I was at my LW, and 5 kg heavier than I was when it started.

I had forgotten most of my first bout of anorexia due to malnutrition probably but now memories from this period are coming back. So I'm going to take advantage of this to reproduce my behavior back in the day. This is extremely triggering even for me and that's just how it was back in the day. At the time, I was not even aware that this situation was problematic, so that's not butterfly content in any way, just what my ignorant self would tell was good for weight-loss. So :

 

RULES

  • Never laying down except for sleeping 
  • Breakfast's deadline is 6 : 30 , 2 PM for lunch and 6 : 30 PM. No eating past those hours, any meal missed is lost. 
  • No candy, no cookies, no chocolate, no greasy stuff, no cheese, no baguette, no potato.
  • Sugar is allowed only in tea ( 1 tbsp for 750 ML )
  • Doing chores and staying on feet to burn calories
  • Always offer to walk to the grocery store is somebody needs something.
  • Cold water only for showers
  • No eating when no one's watching / forcing me to eat
  • Only salt, pepper and mustard for condiments
  • Always count calories
  • No bites

 

EXERCISE

 

  • I'd skip rope for 20 minutes when I felt too lazy
  • I'd do long walks in the park
  • I'd walk around school during lunch break

 

FOOD

  • 30g of oats + half a sliced banana 
  • tea (blackcurrent-peach was what I used to drink mostly)
  • Shredded carrots with 5 tbsp of white rice
  • Only whole-wheat bread
  • When at the cafeteria, only the small salad and half of the whole-wheat bun ..
  • 5 tbsp of rice + 5 tbsp of lentils
  • Every kind of flavoured sparkling water on earth
  • Frozen fruits (cantaloupe and apples later on)
  • Steamed vegetables with mustard (the only dressing allowed)
  • Never more than 5 olives
  • Half a sliced cucumber with mustard
  • Frozen squares of tomato paste
  • 5 tbsp of semolina + cucumber slices disposed  so each slice overlaps each other
  • 39 kcals popsicle as meal replacement
  • tea with sugar as meal replacement 
  •  

WEIRD HABBITS AND MANTRAS 

  • The hunger means my body is eating its fat so "it's working"
  • Guzzling water like crazy after each meal
  • Always eating in a small soup plate
  • Never eat if no one else does
  • Never say you are hungry
  • Never tell how much you ate
  • Be insensitive towards food (ie. "everything tastes bland anyways")
  • Put the AC at the lowest temperature possible
  • Walk around the house when bored
  • Watching obesity shows or movies like For The Love of Nancy*
  • Comparing myself to small people I know and making a table with their photos (found on IG or stuff ), then write down the estimated weight I'd have to reach to get smaller than them. 
  • "Hunger is an emotion"
  • "I can literally live off my own perfection"
  • Typing "does x food make you fat" and reading the anaca3 blog answers. If they said to be careful etc. I'd just cut it out. If they said it was good for weight loss, I'd keep it. This was pretty much my Bible. 

I insist : I realized I had a problem when I first stumbled across MPA because many of my Google searches led me there. I was reluctant to check it out but by pure curiosity I decided to see for myself what this site was all about. Then after this I discovered that pro-ana was a thing, as well as thinspo, "triggering" movies and music and pretty much anything else related to this. 


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#2 brandy-blink

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Posted 26 February 2021 - 09:57 PM

Day 1 : Friday , Feb. 26 2021

 

At the very beggining of my ED, my limit was 1000 calories (for a week and a half and then I cut it down to 800.)

 

I had one peanut M&M's for breakfast this morning, skipped lunch, had too much rice and lentils for dinner. I Bought two apples and a small can of white beans : That's all I will have until Wednesday. You might have noticed that, I am kind of vegan so my meals won't usually contain cheese, milk, eggs or any meat. But I still have honey sometimes (1tsp + artificial sweetener) so I'm not a good vegan I guess.  :(

Now I also had a candy bar and coconut cookies. I've purged and I regret it. 

Because I remember the first time I ever purged now. 

I had eaten multiple small servings of yellow rice with creamy spinach and mushroom gratin. My mother had cooked the whole thing while I was at school. I started trying to get it out with my toothbrush in the toilet. But I was so loud (not with the purging, but with the splash noises) that my parents picked up very quickly and waited in front of the door. I did got the food up but I  told them that I was sick, and instead of helping me they were being mean and accusative. From then on I rarely ever purged because it disgusted me and the very last thing I wanted to pass for is a bulimic. How funny. 

I was proud of my anorexia, I felt infinitely superior to "normies" (such an awful word) , and I genuinely thought than anyone who did binge or struggled to lose weight was not trying hard enough.

But karma is not a bitch, it just makes sure everyone repays back what they have inflicted upon others through judgment and condescending opinions.

Now I get what someone suffering from BED / Bulimia feels, because I went through this. Those people do not lack willpower, self-control or even determination in the first place. They are just trapped. And so was I.

You do not call the shots, you do not "flip the switch". Your disordered brain does.

I did not woke up last morning saying "oh today is such a great day to relapse, let's do this !" . My disordered brain did.

Finally, you'll notice that I am quite nostalgic of my AN honeymoon days. Back in the day, I literally looked forward to skip meals and starve myself in every possible way and yes, that sounds every kind of wrong because it was. 

I tend to romanticize those days a lot and glorify my ED and who I was back then. i know that it can be offensive / triggering and I deeply apologize. But I have to share my story, and tell the cold harsh truth of my eating disorder. I've never heard anyone admitting that anorexia felt like a pedestal and recovery / gaining weight / developing a non-restrictive disorder felt like being knocked of this shiny place.

In fact, this was a crutch my self-esteem pretty much needed. I am desperate to prove myself that I'm not completely worthless by striving to achieve perfection in every single way possible. But the trick is that anything is never perfect enough for me, and I end up relying  heavily  on the approval of others. 

 

But anyways, I digress.

-- 

 

Fasting : around 18 hours

Intake : around 1000 kcals (counting purged food)

Exercise : 10.3 k steps

Weight : N/A



#3 brandy-blink

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Posted 28 February 2021 - 10:02 AM

Tomorrow is March 1st. A new month, a new beggining. I'm planning on starting a 30/40 days fast. I'm not new to fasting so I wanted to try something more challenging and also a way to purify my body, my mind and my soul. At this point the title of this thread is irrelevant but I don't feel like moving to the Fasting sub because there's at least a hundred of folks claiming they'll be fasting then they end up aborting the fast because obviously they aren't ready so they binge. At this point this sub is just a bad joke and I don't really want to be anywhere this butterfly frenzy. Even if there is some pretty awesome, successful threads on here too; this is a tiny percentage of all topics posted there.

So today is my last day of eating and I am so excited to finally stop eating. This will be so much more fun than restricting I can't wait to try it. When you low restrict your metabolism slows down, and the hormonal changes ( upping ghrelin etc.) aren't the same as when you are fasting. The first 3 days are intense but from then on it's fine, I'd say. No hunger, no cravings, mental clarity ect. At least for me.

I will stay moderately / lightly active during my fast.

If anything, this is more a spiritual journey than a weight-loss one. I desperately need to find my way back home spiritually, and fasting seems like this little door you need to cross to reconnect with everything from the above and overhaul your life both internally and externally . During this fast I I will to put an hold on social media (well except this obv.) ; save some time to read / pray / learn / meditate and so many other activities that are way more fulfilling that say watching TV while eating dinner. Because the problem of food (even low restriction) is the social and occupational aspect that comes with it. If you go out with friends, you'll eat something then hang out and talk about random stuff and maybe have fun but then you'll come back home as empty inside as you were when you left, with the same issues and undone stuff. Remove food and you'll remove all of those mindless time-consuming habits that comes with it. Same goes with low-restriction : awkwardness at its finest. While everyone gets to enjoy pizza, there you are with your tiny salad, but no one tells you how ridiculous you look. I also sat through a 5 stars restaurant meal with a glass orange juice. How embarrassing. Even the waitress pitied me that day, as I was trying to distract myself by gazing at the massive clock hanging at the back of the room. 

By fasting, you also save a lot of time and money you can reinvest into stuff that matters, since you need to keep yourself busy to forget about food anyways.

So yeah, that's pretty much why I want to do this extended fast. I will take supplements and electrolytes, and have 0 drinks like flavoured water; sparkling water ect. 

Finally, I won't be having bone broth because contrary to popular claims, it does break a fast.



#4 brandy-blink

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Posted 03 March 2021 - 02:31 PM

I did not fast. That was a stupid idea and I was just desperate to lose weight. I  have started the ABC diet today, and I am doing well so far. I told my AN-R story for the first time to a friend that went through anorexia too. We both have the same profile and our stories are so identical it is kind of scary. 

I am extremely sad to be so fat, I weighed in at 51.7 kg.

I have cracked one of my panties and cried 2 hours after that. 

I need to stop eating and start losing...



#5 brandy-blink

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Posted 04 March 2021 - 07:39 PM

Day 3 

 

I had 617 calories of iced tea, bread, soup, baby food and spinach rice in variable proportions. 

I forgot my activity tracker so I do not know how many steps I got in, but I'd estimate 7-8 k.

Honestly I am a mess. And that friend I mentioned earlier ? she's so triggering I.AM.DYING.

She's much thinner than me and that makes me extremely uncomfortable.

I need to be skinnier than her tho arrgghh

Let's lose that chub.



#6 brandy-blink

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Posted 04 March 2021 - 08:02 PM

If I could make it to 500 tomorrow that would be great.



#7 brandy-blink

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Posted 07 March 2021 - 02:25 PM

Hi fam !

I ate 380/500 kcals on Friday , ate around 1500 kcals on Saturday and ended up with a stomach ache. I woke up this morning at 51 kg, which means I've lost 700g this week. I've bought vanilla yoghurts and I'm going to do a one-yoghurt-a-day diet, where I will only have a 83 kcals yoghurt for dinner until next Friday . This should put me in the 49 kg range by the end of the week. After this yoghurt mono, I will either fast for 72h or resume to eating 250 kcals a day (OMAD) like I did before. During weekdays I only eat dinner, so I do a lot of fasted cardio involuntarily because I have to walk/run a lot since I do not have a car and my house is pretty far away from, well, everything. I also thought of consuming only vanilla oats during the follow-up week; not exceeding 250 kcals/day.

I'd do A LOT of these short monos back in the day because you do not have to figure out what to eat, and there is only one set portion available for the day so you do not question that either. OMAD makes low-restricting a breeze. As someone who do not like counting calories/ weighing food, cooking or eating for that matter ; it really makes my life easier. One last benefit I draw from eating only dinner is that since I do not want to "ruin" my 23 hours of fasting or so, I end up being very careful with how I eat. And since I'm going to bed shortly after (I have to mention I never suffered from late-night cravings) , there's simply no room for binging anyways, bonus if I have stuff to do. 

I might also do the same thing next week with another flavor of yoghurt, eating under 1000 kcals on weekends. 

What about throwing in a full fasting or liquid fasting day once a week ? 

I need to set a proper schedule like I used to do but I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID for the life of me. And cucumbers are out of season and I'm NOT willing to spend 2.99 euros on a miserable kilo of cuke. 

I first developped AN in the summer (how cliché) so the fruits and vegetables I'd eat at this time are not sold, or grossly overpriced right now. I think that the fact that for me, anorexia is linked with pleasant and beautiful memories will forever make it hard for me to truly recover. This was the best vacation of my entire life, not really because of the place but because of the people I was with and the starving high. The Honeymoon phase is really a thing I guess ...

I remember in great details this secret garden surprise midnight date, where we'd be walking barefoot on the grass and having a great time. I had declined party food since the beggining of the afternoon and feeling the wind blowing between my thighs while I had not eaten anything for the past 88 hours or so was exhilarating. The shivers, the smells, the love® ,everything from this summer is preciously locked in a gold and glass chest somewhere in a corner of my brain and I relish those memories. 


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