Posted 28 March 2021 - 12:11 PM
Was wondering if anyone is in a similar boat? If so I'd love to chat and maybe even form a discord group or something
Just thought about it bc it's Passover now and Passover is a weirdly triggering holiday for me lol.
- breakable_doll likes this
Quarantine relapse got me good lmao
CW: 130.6 ):
Diagnosed anorexic but tbh am a mixed bag (binge, restrict, & purge haha). Currently struggling to break out of a binge streak.
Posted 28 March 2021 - 12:39 PM
I'm Jewish (on my mother's side only, which as you know "counts" LOL) but I'm not observant at all (anymore). Since I didn't grow up with observant parents, I didn't get to become bat mitzvah or anything like that. I went to stay with my aunt and uncle in my early 20s who lived in an orthodox Sephardic community. They did all the things, walked to shul, everything was kashrut, not just their food. I loved their shabbat dinners. I loved lighting the candles. It felt sacred and mysterious, and I could feel this ancient belonging - this tug inside my soul to keep the traditions. I was studying with a Rabbi to maybe have an adult bat mitzvah ceremony but I ended up backing out. If they were reform I think I would have gone ahead with it, but I found the orthodox life somewhat scary. Everyone knows everyone else's business, and I felt like they could see through me and I couldn't hide the worst parts of myself, that I couldn't have secrets. My aunt and uncle still to this day won't speak to me. I think they were really hurt that I rejected their way of life after everything they did for me.
The holidays don't really trigger me anymore since I don't observe them at all. I married a non-Jew (we are divorced now) and even though he is agnostic and didn't grow up "Christian" we did all the Christmas-related stuff for our son. My ex had zero interest in doing Hanukkah stuff too and rolled his eyes when I got my son a dreidel one year. I like Pesach and would have probably continued that as my one and only remaining Jewish holiday, but it was a non-starter with my ex and his family. I will say that the high holidays were triggering to me, and that I loved fasting "legitimately." It was oddly comforting for the older women in the community to share tips for not feeling faint while fasting, it was a little bit like live action MPA, lol!
Edit: I should explain that even though my ex-husband and I are divorced, I haven't really felt any need to go back to how I was before. I still do Christmas for my son, in fact my ex and I are good friends so we do those kinds of things all together as a family. There are a lot of Jewish families at my son's school and I find most of the Jewish moms as annoying as the non-Jewish moms. They don't know my son and I are Jewish, unless he mentions it to friends at school, I don't know. He only has a vague sense of what it means to be a Jew and sometimes I feel a little guilty about that, because I remember how angry I was at my mom for not giving me a Jewish upbringing, and letting the fact that she married my lapsed Catholic father dictate her choices. Here I am doing the same thing. I do tell him stories about his great grandparents emigrating from Lithuania to Manhattan and try to give him a sense of history, but he isn't really that interested anyway, at least not at his age.
Edit edit: It also makes me a tiny bit sad that my son is the last Jew in our direct line. My brother is gay and married a non-Jewish man who already had kids, and even though he wanted to adopt or have a his own child through a surrogate, he hasn't done that and probably won't ever. I have told my son (like once, because I don't want to guilt trip him) that unless he marries a Jewish girl and has kids our Jewishness ends with him. Whatever he chooses is fine with me, I don't want to put that on him.
I'm curious, how do the holidays trigger you, or how does Passover in particular trigger you? Is it the restriction aspect and avoidance of certain foods?
- craphappens likes this
Posted 09 April 2021 - 11:36 PM
I’d honestly love to meet more Jewish people with similar issues, thanks for starting this!
Posted 09 April 2021 - 11:43 PM
I'm Jewish (by birth, ancestry and culture) but not really observant.
I probably would be observant if I weren't so introverted and reclusive. Our festivals really are community festivals/family festivals and it's hard to do that when I keep to myself all the time. But it's nice to meet other Jews online.
mostly on EDC
Posted 19 May 2021 - 12:08 PM
here! my family is pretty religious so personally i tend to have a really hard time with holidays. we always have a fancy dinner for all the holidays, and it's always been really tough for me. my parents are more understanding now, or at least pretend to be. passover in particular has always been the hardest, the large amount of various foods are always overwhelming and incredibly stressful. and on top of that, i always get full before we even have the actual dinner, just the karpas is usually enough to fill me up :/ yom kippur is always tough too. you would think that it wouldn't be so bad, that it'd almost be kind of nice because you can fast without anyone thinking anything of it, but for me it's just always felt odd that something i normally do because of my eating disorder is something you have to do to punish yourself for a holiday to remind yourself of your sins. it always seemed like the holiday enforced my eating disorder in a way, and somewhat normalized the idea of not eating as a way to punish yourself. in the recent years my parents have encouraged me to eat on yom kippur instead of fasting because of my ed, but that feels wrong too. everything about it all is just so odd, and being an athiest makes it harder to make sense of everything. at the end of the day i know that my struggles with the holidays are because of my own issues, but at the same time i sometimes feel that the religion enforces those struggles.
imperial - hw: 170 | cw: 157 | gw: 130 | ugw: 110 | ht: 5'5.5 | bmi: 26.9
metric - hw: 77 | cw: 71 | gw: 58 | ugw: 49 | ht: 166 | bmi: 26.9
last updated: may 6, 2021
i’d give my body to satan if i could only keep my soul, but I can’t seem to find the split between them anymore..
Posted 27 May 2021 - 10:10 PM
here! I started converting about a year ago and then I found out that my family used to be Jewish, sephardic & ashkenazi so that was cool. been a few decades since they assimilated so I consider myself somewhere halfway between convert and baal teshuva. I'm conservative & fairly observant. I light candles on shabbat but use electricity, im tznius 98% of the time, cover my hair most days, keep kosher.
keeping kosher hasn't really affected my ED, and tznius has helped my body image quite a bit. eating on the holidays is so special it almost doesn't upset me. but yom kippur was really rough and I binged a lotttt to break my fast. judaism defines so much of my life but it is barely touched by my ED which is nice. I'm really happy I found this thread, even if nothing more comes of it. anywhere with jews just feels a bit better.
thought I could do the recovery thing lol. / dx: an, bipolar, ocd, cptsd / on edc & pancake by the same name
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