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How the turntables... accountability


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#1 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 25 April 2021 - 05:16 AM

I don’t even like the office ( don’t @ me) but I’m here again so I’ll use it.

Don’t really have an outlet outside of here because of work/school, but I need one with the rate my life is going.

I’ll be doing keto, ranting about school, work, personal life, drinking, and anything else I’d like. It’s my Saturn return — there’s a lot.

Just did a 5 day egg fast and it was remarkable so I’m keeping up the keto. Typically I’m quite health conscious so keto will be relatively clean. Net carbs under 30, cals 500-800.

Weight today was 55.x, I can’t remember and don’t want to remember. I blame it on all the sodium I ate yesterday (two soups).

On another note, in my first semester in my Masters programme after 7 years out of school, I have an exam, a oral report, and a research proposal due next week and I’m not sure if my boyfriend can ever truly be honest with me.

Anyway, here’s my report card:

636 cals
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I’m a staunch black coffee drinker but I’ll try to add some coconut oil to it tomorrow because I really could use the brain boost.


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#2 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 26 April 2021 - 01:06 AM

I’m single! I told my boyfriend I couldn’t trust him after everything and he’s accepted it’s a situation of his own making. Still have to live with him for 2 months until the end of the semester. No anger or sadness. Just a friendly, peaceful split.

Plus, I have a date tonight so whatever. “I’ve already eaten” and will be drinking red.

As for the astrology of it, you could say it was written in the stars. What else can I say for Venus, mercury, and Uranus all squaring Saturn as Saturn conjunctions my natal Saturn? Mars is also on my rising, so I’ll be kicking ass (or just kicking people) until it passes. Mars is precariously placed in the 1st with Aries on the midheaven in my solar return chart, anyway. So a feverish focus on my school and career, anyway.

Segue, I realised why I’ve been gaining weight despite eating this way — creatine. I’m a sad widdle giwl whose feewings were huwt by the number on the scale... and creatine adds mad water weight. Alas, it’s also adds much brain function and antidepressant effects. It’s why I dropped veganism because I felt so DRASTICALLY different after taking it. And it’s not even an “essential” micronutrient. So what else was I possibly missing? Anyway, I’ll drop weighing myself daily, maybe even point blank because WATER. IS. SCARY. !!

Lunch: fish curry.
Snack: two pb cookies.
Dinner: cauli rice with chicken and mushroom gravy.

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Here’s my report (not including date wine): 651

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#3 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 27 April 2021 - 02:21 AM

I think I’m coming down with something. I had my exam today which I think went better than expected.? And also with the disaster of my personal life and with the demands of my work a d school like, I think all the stress is finally catching up with me. I’m tired, napping, achy joints, and running hotter than usual. Noticed it last night. It can’t be COVID because (a) I live in NZ and (B) I’ve already been vaccinated. But I still feel like I’m getting something or another.

Dates went surprisingly well. From what I can tell, the guy is the next Dr. Burry, but his mullet is a bit of a dealbreaker. Going on another one this weekend though to see if I can overcome the mullet.

My friend bailed on me for our 5k/drinks tonight and I honestly really didn’t have the energy to go by myself (see above). But I sure had the energy to eat a lot. Probably won’t eat until I get home tomorrow to compensate. But I was really lax with myself today because I deserve it after the last 24 hours I had with this exam (in what universe was I meant to know I had to APA reference my exam answers???).

Carbs are okay because of fibre. Had a sandwich with insane-microwave-bread, celery stalks, a couple of protein bars, biltong, fish curry, and some cookies (this is why keto baking is dangerous). Not the worst, not the best.

1389.
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#4 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 28 April 2021 - 02:11 AM

My assignment due tomorrow got pushed back a week so I’m going to friends house to play rock band and drink some wine because I deserve it. Fuck.

My ex thinks I’m going in a date tonight, when really I’m seeing my friend. In reality, I went on a date on Monday but told him I was seeing said friend. He doesn’t need to know where I’m going, he’s not my mother (or my boyfriend). He keeps asking or telling me it makes him anxious and I don’t really care. I feel like he’s trying to guilt me into not going out when it’s not an ex-boyfriend’s business.

Anyway. 424 cals. Went for a run for the first time in forever and burned 238. 100 odd calories net. (Not including the wine I’m about to drink.)

Had some vegan sugar free jelly with raspberry purée (topped with basil), celery with a peanut sauce, and a couple of pb cookies.

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#5 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 29 April 2021 - 03:31 AM

Please don’t quote this. Bearing my brain (and body) below.

Today was hard. But work was great. Hard becuase I’m struggling with the distance from my (ex) boyfriend. But its days like these that make me really enjoy my job and brings me a sense of accomplishment. Helping people reverse their illnesses, improve their wellbeing, and overall health. It’s so wonderful and it’s not nearly the drain that I’ve had in previous healthcare roles where it feels like you’re the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff. You’re actually making a difference and helping people.

Too bad I can’t help myself.

Body check from this morning. I hate my hips — especially my thighs. 0.7 waist-to-hip golden-ratio my ass!


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A doctor at work had their birthday today and there was cake. It was tiramisu. I had a tiny sliver. Still within net carbs though. I’m a wizard, ‘Arry!

775 cals

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#6 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 30 April 2021 - 06:11 PM

Whoops I blacked out last night.

What I remember eating:
• A frittata and salad at a cafe
• A quest bar
• A red monster (why do people like these? They make my brain so foggy. Stupid vata, airy-ass body. You need some kapha. I only got it because I haven’t seen the red or pink flavours here before.)
• Fried Aubergine
• 5 glasses of Shiraz

Woke up to peanut butter by my bed. So that’s probably not a good sign lmao

Met up with my friend for drinks. Haven’t seen her in months. We had a falling out because she got super jealous of my bf. But since were broken up I guess we can be friends again. Had two glasses with her. Had an impromptu date with someone from hinge. As my friend left, the date arrived, and they briefly exchanged words. I don’t have a problem being alone with my thoughts, no, thanks for asking. We went to a bar he is planning on buying on Monday. He told me he took his ex girlfriend there prior in the night then showed up with me about an hour later. Whatever, I make no judgements. My life is a mess, too. It started out really well with really good bants and riffs. Then went really south when we had a disagreement about a definition of a word. I wasn’t super convinced of my side and let it go. He couldn’t. He looked it up after I was getting second round, I admitted I was wrong, he rubbed it in my face and gloated. Killed the vibe. I scan pretty hard for any traits of aggression or toxicity on first dates.

Went to a bar by myself afterwards and had a drink because I was sad that it didn’t go well and my (ex) boyfriend was out for the night as well and I was SAD!. about it. After that I briefly remember watching the circle in bed.

This morning I find out my ex was out with work mates. I figured as much but it still bothers me. I didn’t ask where he was but he told me because he didn’t want me to be anxious.

This is why I don’t keep alcohol in the house anymore.

I had a date lined up for brunch this morning but low key happy he had a big Friday night as well and cancelled because not sure how I’d cope with an eating date while relapsed in low carb.

Have a second date lined up for tomorrow anyway with Dr. Burry. Coffee and a beach walk. Nothing too serious. If the weather is bad we’ll have to resort to something food related. Whatever. I’m good at winging it.

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#7 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 01 May 2021 - 05:53 AM

Sun conjunct Uranus, square Saturn — today is a stupid day.

It was me and my (ex) boyfriends one year anniversary today. We held hands, I did his eyebrows, we went grocery shopping together, he’s been wanting to fxk me all day. I had a bit of carbs today — sue me (lol jokes you can’t I’m not in America). Whatever, I’ll fast for two days. Idc.

This painfully long Uranus square Saturn transit is really killing me. It doesn’t help it’s my Saturn return. And now with Saturn in the mix I really don’t know wtf life wants from me. But maybe that’s the point — to surrender to the forces that be and go wherever it tells me. I mean, I have enough Aquarius in my chart to really be whiplashed bu Uranus. But this Saturn aspect is killing me. Idk how you Capricorn’s do it. This is PAINFUL. Especially with such a well-placed Mars this year. It like using a crop on a horse just to get going at a bridled walk.

I really can’t take this anymore. Once the sun moves off Uranus, it shouldn’t be nearly as painful as all the planets will have transited through Uranus for the year. But I’ll have to deal with the Uranus square Saturn my Saturn return and tbh really fxking not keen.

In non-planetary news, I made this amazing keto grilled cheese for lunch. It was yummy and with all the flaxseed meal I put in the bread, I really struggled to finish it. Coupled with a side of cucumbers and mustard because yes, I am that cliché. Had ribs for the first time in over 15 years today (in honour of our non-iversary).

Whatever. Dr. Burry is picking me up from my apartment that I share with my (ex) boyfriend for a date tomorrow. I’m doing well, thanks.

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#8 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 02 May 2021 - 03:17 AM

Okay, okay. I didn’t end up fasting today. But it was a bit of a fuck around.

I met up with Dr. Burry and we got coffee and went for a walk on the beach. He showed me the house we was wanting to buy on the beach. We kissed. I came home knowing it was about to be lunch time. I get home and my (ex) boyfriend had bought me two protein cookies, my favourite bottle of wine, and a sunflower in honour of our non-iversary yesterday. He knows I’m doing keto and wants to very supportive. He wants to be back with me so badly it’s making it hard to be around him and be his friend. He says “this time is different, this time I actually mean it” but everyone knows what that means. And it’s killing me because I care about him. But I just don’t know how I can be with him after all the cheating, lies, and messaging other girls. He’s seeing a counsellor but a fat lot that’s doing.

Went to the gym for the first time in a while. Ran 5k, then did heaps of squats and deadlifts. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m back in ketosis tomorrow morning.

Dinner was a chicken Alfredo I made with shirataki noodles. I honestly don’t know how I used to eat this stuff it’s disgusting. I couldn’t finish the thing and threw half of it out. Still counting the calories though.

400ish calories burned.
527 calories consumed.

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#9 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 03 May 2021 - 02:24 AM

Venus opposite natal Pluto. Passion and aggression v love and peace. Creation vs destruction. I just want to smash things.

Ex boy is smothering me. Telling me how he constantly is anxious and wants to make things work and will do anything despite me saying I don’t want to be with him enjoy dating as a singleton. Have you ever been with someone with an anxious attachment style? Needing you so close to them that they smother you?

I’ve told him as much as he’s offered to go out of town for the weekend to give me space which I asked for. I would reply but I just want to smash things and it’s better to wait until I’m not angry to talk. I have a paper to draft tonight and I’m having wine. Annabelle (gets) SMASH(ed). I swear I’ll end up hate fucking soon.

I told a few of the girls at work about how I feel like he’s constantly bothering me about it. How his constant desire for hugs and kisses and affection is bordering on sexual harassment as he’s my flat mate snd his incessant desire to be with me would classify as sexual harassment if we weren’t exes as he is my flat mate. But I don’t want to be hYsTeariCaL ~and~ hIsTrIonIc. Not the first time I’ve been hounded by a live-in mate for sexual contact. Not even the third.

Anyway.

Forgot I had to go to the main office today for work so I ate so much today. It was all low carb but 4 digit calories are SCARY. Had some toast with cauli Alfredo sauce, spinach, and an egg for dinner. 30 net carbs.

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1046 calories
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#10 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 04 May 2021 - 03:10 AM

Spoiler


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#11 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 05 May 2021 - 02:16 AM

Skip to bold if you don't want to hear about how it feels to be lectured about eating disorder in your clinical class in the midst of a relapse.

Spoiler

Anyway, the part you've been waiting for, 686 calories, and probably like 35 net carbs. I don't trust MFP because it doesn't recognise lamb salads you get from a kebab shop as being low carb. So no screenshots today.

Lunch: lamb salad with yoghurt and hot chilli dressing from kebab shop
snack: lime jelly
dinner: tuna on salad with yoghurt salad dressing.

For anyone in the know, here’s where all the emotional, downtrodden energy is coming from

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Journal entry number 2:

Spoiler


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#12 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 07 May 2021 - 04:57 AM

Don't read this. It ain't food related and is strictly cognitive vomit.

 

Spoiler

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#13 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 10 May 2021 - 02:17 AM

Spoiler

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#14 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 12 May 2021 - 12:52 AM

I honestly really need to get a grip.

 

Spoiler

 

I went for a run yesterday (a really HARD run) and afterwards I was pooped, but had a beer and won a bottle of wine. Going with my friend really helped. It put me in such a good mood last night and today that I think I'm going to need to go thrice a week. I really believe I need to step up my running as I have been neglecting it for school. (Spoiler alert, exercise helps performance in school.) 

 

today I ate: 494 cals

1 protein bar: 166

an omelet with goats cheese: 330

45g protein, 26g fat, 10g net carbs

 

That's all I'm counting because the rest didn't sit. I guess it's a vitamins + tramadol for dinner kinda night. cheers.


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#15 lostinthestars

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Posted 12 May 2021 - 01:20 AM

I just caught up with your accountability and I love your writing style. Your latest post... I felt it deep within. It was a copy-paste of my life at the moment.


​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#16 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 12 May 2021 - 04:24 PM

I just caught up with your accountability and I love your writing style. Your latest post... I felt it deep within. It was a copy-paste of my life at the moment.


Aha thanks girl! They really means a lot.

I feel like my writing style is pretty all over the place/stream of consciousness like. But to me it’s a bit of organised chaos.

What in particular can you relate to? The needing to get a grip on life, or the great cognitive dissonance between your own life and school?


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#17 lostinthestars

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Posted 13 May 2021 - 02:06 AM

Aha thanks girl! They really means a lot.

I feel like my writing style is pretty all over the place/stream of consciousness like. But to me it’s a bit of organised chaos.

What in particular can you relate to? The needing to get a grip on life, or the great cognitive dissonance between your own life and school?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

I like your stream of consciousness because I can follow along. It does make sense. I also tend to write whatever pops into my head. It makes sense in my head, but I always doubt others can get it entirely, haha. 

 

Getting a grip on life, cognitive dissonance, and bulimia. Yes, all of these are my life. I feel like once a bulimic... The way you described it is what I just can't put into words. 

 

I hope you have a good day!


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​24 : 5'4

 

I'm after lower measurements and improving body composition.

 

Accountability: https://www.myproana...ntability-pics/

 


#18 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 14 May 2021 - 12:48 AM

Spoiler


Anyway, food:

I had toast with pumpkin and kale and an egg for brunch, unknown cals, estimating 700.
5k run -250 cals
Casein and Greek yoghurt: 215
(Honestly it’s so good it tastes like vanilla flavoured cookie dough!)

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Edit: b/p-Ed on maccas and now drinking wine to forget about it. I was going to get something nice as great to myself and not puke it back up, but I missed their opening by like 5 minutes so it lead me to what was open. I just feel really raw because i can’t stand to be in the flat at night when my ex is gone but my friend(s) are busy right now — and I should not be left to my own devices when I feel like this.

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#19 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 17 May 2021 - 08:33 PM

Spoiler


Anyway, I took the day off from school because I’m SAD. And I slept like shit last night because of what went down between me and him. And now I’ve had a few slices of Swiss and 2 glasses of wine and it’s 13:31. I hate everything. But I have to re-record my clinical interview with a patient because the file they recorded is corrupted which means I wait to until next week to turn in the analysis of it for next week when my last assignment is due. You bet your ass I’m gonna ask for an extension because I can’t with everything rn.


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#20 zeppelin.cries

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Posted 19 May 2021 - 02:25 AM

Does anyone know how to move your accountability to the accountability sub? Or how to edit the title of it? I'm struggling and I'm old, I'm sorry, but I need help!

Spoiler


Food:

B/P (2x; I swear I didn't mean to)
two glasses of wine (maybe more depending on if I go across the road to the bottle shop or not)
Peach (i.e., me, a peach)

Song of the day:

https://youtu.be/Rw85yLl0Rk8
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