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Self harm?

30s 30+ Self harm Too old

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#1 Tangerine33

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Posted 25 April 2021 - 03:12 PM

I think I started cutting when I was 11. Cause I'm old that was before media knew and wrote reports about cutting. I never made any attempt at suicide with cutting.

I'm now over 30 (not willing to share exact age) and I still feel the urge to cut. Every one talks about teenagers cutting so I feel so shitty reaching for a razor.

I'm guessing this thread will get buried pretty quickly but in case I'm not the only one of like to hear from others.
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#2 Daniel4754

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Posted 25 April 2021 - 03:28 PM

[censored]
SW: 347 • CW: 327 • GW: 190 • MyFitnessPal: Daniel8746

#3 Tangerine33

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Posted 25 April 2021 - 03:34 PM

Thanks. That seems like a helpful reply.

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CW: 177.2 BMI: 28.8 OVERWEIGHT 5/23
GW1: under 190 by 4/17 completed 4/15 
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#4 Daniel4754

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Posted 25 April 2021 - 04:00 PM

Thanks. That seems like a helpful reply.

Sorry about that. I think that I did over-sharing. I'm going to delete what I put.
SW: 347 • CW: 327 • GW: 190 • MyFitnessPal: Daniel8746

#5 PixietheKitten

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Posted 25 April 2021 - 06:41 PM

i always feel to old to self harm...i burn/cut as my self harm and im 36 but its the main relief i can get away from my mind.


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#6 Tangerine33

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Posted 25 April 2021 - 09:03 PM

Have you noticed if the way you feel has changed?  Or if the reason or way you have done it has changed? 

 

 

i always feel to old to self harm...i burn/cut as my self harm and im 36 but its the main relief i can get away from my mind.

Have you noticed if the way you feel has changed?  Or if the reason or way you have done it has changed?


Accountability

CW: 177.2 BMI: 28.8 OVERWEIGHT 5/23
GW1: under 190 by 4/17 completed 4/15 
GW2: 180 5/15 completed 5/5

GW3: 170 6/15  goal gift: mani/pedi

GW4: 160 7/15  goal gift: wall decor or google speaker

GW5: 150 8/25 goal gift: hair project
UGW: 145 10/15  goal gift - tiny retreat or tattoo!


#7 Chihiro123

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Posted 25 April 2021 - 10:24 PM

The reason I do it is emotional overload, too much change too quickly. Triggers for me include job performance related anxiety and transition from school to break. It's embarrassing and recently relapsed by clawing ankle, forearms. My s/o found out & commented about it being embarrassing, as if I didn't feel enough shame. But I'm working really hard to get myself sorted and wish you the best
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#8 PrinnyWinnie

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Posted 26 April 2021 - 02:51 AM

Pshhhh....teenagers. They have it rough, yeah, but WE have been through the trenches! I had to go to a clinic for stitches when I was 31, so no worries. Self harm doesn’t just disappear as we age, it morphs. I used to be a very heavy cutter but have basically stopped now. From time to time though, I will reach for a razor. It’s a coping mechanism that I could never replace with anything else in the whole world. I don’t want you to self harm, but don’t ever feel ashamed for having those feelings in your thirties. Pm me anytime OP, I’m here to talk!

#9 LydiaAgain

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Posted 26 April 2021 - 04:26 AM

I'm exactly the same.  I used to self harm when I was 13-16, with various one-off relapses in my 20s, but even now in my 30s, if I'm feeling particularly stressed or overwhelmed, I find myself getting urges to cut again.  It's a coping mechanism, and definitely not something we just grow out of. 



#10 Tangerine33

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Posted 26 April 2021 - 09:09 AM

Thanks everyone!  I didn't actually cut last night but was having urges.  I think writing/ reading this post helped me resist. 


Accountability

CW: 177.2 BMI: 28.8 OVERWEIGHT 5/23
GW1: under 190 by 4/17 completed 4/15 
GW2: 180 5/15 completed 5/5

GW3: 170 6/15  goal gift: mani/pedi

GW4: 160 7/15  goal gift: wall decor or google speaker

GW5: 150 8/25 goal gift: hair project
UGW: 145 10/15  goal gift - tiny retreat or tattoo!


#11 Satori666

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Posted 26 April 2021 - 09:15 AM

Yeah. Im 36 and still self harm periodically

#12 PixietheKitten

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Posted 27 April 2021 - 12:19 AM

Have you noticed if the way you feel has changed?  Or if the reason or way you have done it has changed? 

 

 

Have you noticed if the way you feel has changed?  Or if the reason or way you have done it has changed?

 

The reason has changed, it went from coping with abuse that was happening at the time. To now being used as a coping mechanism for being overly stressed. Especially if something or a pattern of things go wrong in a row.
the feeling, i dont get anywhere near the euphoria that i could as a teen, i can still feel the pain and it centers my mind and helps me when i need it but really sides for the initial pain, theres nothing.

I also dont hide my scars/burns anymore, everyone i interact with on a everyday basis understands my state of mental health and they know if they see scars/burns that it was a bad night.


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#13 Tangerine33

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Posted 27 April 2021 - 04:01 AM

the feeling, i dont get anywhere near the euphoria that i could as a teen, i can still feel the pain and it centers my mind and helps me when i need it but really sides for the initial pain, theres nothing.

I also dont hide my scars/burns anymore, everyone i interact with on a everyday basis understands my state of mental health and they know if they see scars/burns that it was a bad night.

I think it's the same for me.  Lots of emotional abuse as a kid now is stress/ emotive overload that I am trying to deal with.  I only have a few scars that show when I'm clothed. I work at a university that have say something signs everywhere at mental health,  I do not want to know what it would be like if everyone could see it any time.  

I do seem to have changed from the pain of the initial cutting being good enough to know I do it places like the underside of my breasts because then it hurts when I do it and every time I put on a bra, and when I jog or sweat.  It's a longer more drawn out thing nowadays. 


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Accountability

CW: 177.2 BMI: 28.8 OVERWEIGHT 5/23
GW1: under 190 by 4/17 completed 4/15 
GW2: 180 5/15 completed 5/5

GW3: 170 6/15  goal gift: mani/pedi

GW4: 160 7/15  goal gift: wall decor or google speaker

GW5: 150 8/25 goal gift: hair project
UGW: 145 10/15  goal gift - tiny retreat or tattoo!


#14 PixietheKitten

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Posted 27 April 2021 - 10:26 AM

I think it's the same for me.  Lots of emotional abuse as a kid now is stress/ emotive overload that I am trying to deal with.  I only have a few scars that show when I'm clothed. I work at a university that have say something signs everywhere at mental health,  I do not want to know what it would be like if everyone could see it any time.  

I do seem to have changed from the pain of the initial cutting being good enough to know I do it places like the underside of my breasts because then it hurts when I do it and every time I put on a bra, and when I jog or sweat.  It's a longer more drawn out thing nowadays. 

Well the way i look at my self harm scars and marks is not that i lost, not that i gave up and cut, it was a slip and it happened but to me...those marks are a sign of my strength, that i was able to go through all of that, pain and all and thrive. Logically we shouldnt be alive alot of us but we are and we are stronger then those who havent gone through it. Least thats what i think.

Childhood abuse can stay with us for many years, thats for sure, I understand the kinda shame of letting people see them in that kind of enviorment.

idk bout you but for me atleast, i also have a pain fetish that kinda went along with it


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#15 Tangerine33

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Posted 27 April 2021 - 07:36 PM

idk bout you but for me atleast, i also have a pain fetish that kinda went along with it

 

If you mean fetish in the sexual manner, no. I've never been with anyone adventurous in bed though so never really tried it either. 

I think I use it as a punishment primarily.  Due to the emotional abuse from my mom, I have what I have termed negative narcissism. Its not quite just low self esteem; if anything significant or miniscule has gone wrong, I can almost instantly figure out at least two or three reasons why it was clearly all my fault.  The world does revolve around me and all I do is fuck it up for everyone else.  I guess I have really paid enough attention,  but I'm willing to guess that shame is usually one of the biggest feeling I have before cutting rather than after.  Cutting is me atoning for my wrong doing. 


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Accountability

CW: 177.2 BMI: 28.8 OVERWEIGHT 5/23
GW1: under 190 by 4/17 completed 4/15 
GW2: 180 5/15 completed 5/5

GW3: 170 6/15  goal gift: mani/pedi

GW4: 160 7/15  goal gift: wall decor or google speaker

GW5: 150 8/25 goal gift: hair project
UGW: 145 10/15  goal gift - tiny retreat or tattoo!


#16 PixietheKitten

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Posted 28 April 2021 - 02:38 AM

If you mean fetish in the sexual manner, no. I've never been with anyone adventurous in bed though so never really tried it either. 

I think I use it as a punishment primarily.  Due to the emotional abuse from my mom, I have what I have termed negative narcissism. Its not quite just low self esteem; if anything significant or miniscule has gone wrong, I can almost instantly figure out at least two or three reasons why it was clearly all my fault.  The world does revolve around me and all I do is fuck it up for everyone else.  I guess I have really paid enough attention,  but I'm willing to guess that shame is usually one of the biggest feeling I have before cutting rather than after.  Cutting is me atoning for my wrong doing. 

yea thats what i meant, like bdsm type thing. Fair enough though if youve never tried it
i can defiantly relate to the emotional abuse as mine was from my dad vs urs being ure mom.

i can get that as well, im sure alot of us are not where we imagined ourselves when were in our 30's, im sorry your feeling that way <3, i can have rough those intrusive thoughts can be.


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#17 Tangerine33

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Posted 29 May 2021 - 02:58 AM

The reason has changed, it went from coping with abuse that was happening at the time. To now being used as a coping mechanism for being overly stressed. Especially if something or a pattern of things go wrong in a row.
the feeling, i dont get anywhere near the euphoria that i could as a teen, i can still feel the pain and it centers my mind and helps me when i need it but really sides for the initial pain, theres nothing.

I also dont hide my scars/burns anymore, everyone i interact with on a everyday basis understands my state of mental health and they know if they see scars/burns that it was a bad night.

I super hope I don't come off as rude but...

What body parts do you harm?  And why? 

 

I'm especially curious because you let it "be known" to people.   

I'm married and most of the time my husband doesn't know when I cut mostly.  Of that may show part of the lack of bdsm lol


Accountability

CW: 177.2 BMI: 28.8 OVERWEIGHT 5/23
GW1: under 190 by 4/17 completed 4/15 
GW2: 180 5/15 completed 5/5

GW3: 170 6/15  goal gift: mani/pedi

GW4: 160 7/15  goal gift: wall decor or google speaker

GW5: 150 8/25 goal gift: hair project
UGW: 145 10/15  goal gift - tiny retreat or tattoo!


#18 PixietheKitten

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Posted 30 May 2021 - 04:47 PM

I super hope I don't come off as rude but...

What body parts do you harm?  And why? 

 

I'm especially curious because you let it "be known" to people.   

I'm married and most of the time my husband doesn't know when I cut mostly.  Of that may show part of the lack of bdsm lol

its mainly my forearms and wrists. I weirdly have this thing that the left side is for cutting and right side is for burning (idk how that happened but it kinda just did)

i obviously dont go advertising them around but if someone asks me where theyre from, ill tell them theyre from my inner battles and most time they can relate.

 

It can defiantly be a very personal thing for some people, i dont have a partner currently but i know when i did, i didnt wanna show them cause i didnt wanna hurt them.


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#19 gotosleep

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Posted 02 June 2021 - 01:36 PM

i haven’t had the urges to self-harm until 30s and it’s very weird. i think the primary way i did it before was the ED, like as a way of hurting myself, the extreme hunger felt that way, like that it was more about hurting myself than being thin. but in my 30s i suddenly got the desire to actually cut myself. and i find it really weird that it happened so late. i think maybe part of it is that for all of my late teens and early 20s i was in an abusive relationship and in a lot of denial and in my 30s i’m now dealing with the trauma from that and from childhood and now i get urges to do it and also urges to kms bc i’m overwhelmed by all of it.


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#20 phix

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Posted 07 June 2021 - 08:16 PM

I self harmed as a young adult. It started as an older teenager with me scratching to abrasion, then I went to cutting. It felt amazing. An orgasmic release. I typically did it when the emotions were too much, I was about to have a break down and if I was in a position where I couldn’t be alone in my pain (school/work) I had to get rid of it. So I would cut and it’s one of the best highs I’ve ever had (comparing to snorting speed and opiates). 
 

I don’t have a ton of scars. I usually do one sort of deep one as opposed to a ton of shallow scratches. The scratches just don’t do it for me. That method seems almost like it’s meditative. I needed one big high, 

 

I think the last time was about 8 years ago, maybe. But I wanted to today. I was feeling suicidal (not enough where I thought of ways to do it) and I had an urge to cut. I was at work and I have a bunch of sharp tools around. Man I was so fucking out of it. I was scrambling through drawers and stopped myself and was like “whooaaa this isn’t good.” 
 

I’ve completely run out of safe places. My husband was the last one and I feel like he doesn’t want me. I don’t feel like anyone does and I’m embarrassing myself. I’m disgusting. Everything that was good in my life is just gone via separation. I mean, I think the people in life my still love me, but I don’t want to reach out to them. It’s a fools errand and all I will do is bring them pain. My husband loves me, but he doesn’t want me. I’m old, have gross loose skin. No man wants and I want to kill myself just because that matters to me at all. I’ve just never felt so repulsive and never felt so embarrassed for thinking I was attractive. 

 

I just want to sleep this off. 


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HW: 235 | LW: 124 | CW: 124 | GW1: 125  | GW2: 115 | UGW: 110




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