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Feeling like a fake because of high BMI

BMI Overweight Fake Imposter

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14 replies to this topic

#1 CherryGreen

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Posted 04 May 2021 - 06:27 AM

So, my disordered mind keeps telling me that I'm not "really having an ED" since my BMI/weight is so high. Obviously this is bull since I ended up to gain this weight because of binging in the first place. I hate the imposter feeling, since it makes me ashamed to be hanging in the forums. On the other hand it does give me motivation since I end up feeling so disgusting that I have to restrict. Anyone else having the same feeling? How do you deal with it?
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"I feel numb most of the time
The lower I get the higher I'll climb

And I will wonder why
I got dark only to shine
Looking for the golden light

Oh, it's a reasonable sacrifice

Burn, burn, burn bright"


Numb by Marina and the Diamonds

 

 

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#2 liberatedLiberator

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Posted 04 May 2021 - 06:36 AM

We're all phonies here I guess 😂😂
I deal with it by reaffirming that my relationship with all of this is in no way healthy.. and by sinking further into the mindset. Yay how helpful
  • CherryGreen likes this

that's super kami guru to you

Daily reminder that if you ate at a deficit you lost weight even if the scale hasn't budged

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#3 Stebula

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Posted 04 May 2021 - 10:54 AM

I'm with you there! It helps me not to define "my ED" as anything... I simply refer to it as a strict diet, IF, or disordered eating. In no way, shape, or form is what I'm doing to myself *good*. I guess I don't open up about it to anybody besides the rest of you guys here at MPA, where judgement is usually pretty low anyway, and if anybody has any doubts about my struggles then fuck 'em. I know what I'm going through and I know how much I hate it and how much I can't stop. I know that I look extremely healthy and average to most of the general public, but meh. There's always more going on behind the scenes. 


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​22f 5'8"

HW- 175

LW- 142

CW- 143.0

UGW - ????


#4 snohh berry

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Posted 04 May 2021 - 11:00 AM

I've heard this explained somewhere once, but not all of us are going to look like the emaciated media portrayal of someone with an ED. Even those who reach this point can't stay this way for long. We all are suffering and none of us are phonies, period. Oh and also #abolishBMI


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#5 babyanimals

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Posted 04 May 2021 - 11:30 AM

People need to realize that an eating disorder is not about weight. Most people who have eating disorders are overweight and obese statistically. It's just that anorexia is like the all hailed ED because thinness is the ideal. Overweight and obese people can still suffer physically and emotionally though.


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#6 Wasabii

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Posted 04 May 2021 - 12:33 PM

dude i feel you! i have yoyo dieted the past 5 years and it has always been very disordered. the past two weeks i've strictly had 900 or less calories and plan to go down to 700. its like i dont even care that resrticting that low is not healthy. i see my body as an ill proportioned monster. in my head living off coffee, tea, almond milk, oatmeal, unsweetened apple sauce, chicken/steak and popsicles is the right choice.


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height: 5'4

cw: fat asf


#7 CherryGreen

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Posted 04 May 2021 - 02:23 PM

I'm with you there! It helps me not to define "my ED" as anything... I simply refer to it as a strict diet, IF, or disordered eating. In no way, shape, or form is what I'm doing to myself *good*. I guess I don't open up about it to anybody besides the rest of you guys here at MPA, where judgement is usually pretty low anyway, and if anybody has any doubts about my struggles then fuck 'em. I know what I'm going through and I know how much I hate it and how much I can't stop. I know that I look extremely healthy and average to most of the general public, but meh. There's always more going on behind the scenes.


It's true that no-one can see behind the scenes. I'm not really sharing my stuff with people irl either, just here. What sucks about being overweight and struggling with disordered eating is that you end up getting "support" from people around you if/when you lose weight unhealthy ways. People celebrate you eating 500kcal a day, but shame you for binging.
  • Jemma9292 likes this

"I feel numb most of the time
The lower I get the higher I'll climb

And I will wonder why
I got dark only to shine
Looking for the golden light

Oh, it's a reasonable sacrifice

Burn, burn, burn bright"


Numb by Marina and the Diamonds

 

 

giphy.gif


#8 CherryGreen

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Posted 04 May 2021 - 02:27 PM

People need to realize that an eating disorder is not about weight. Most people who have eating disorders are overweight and obese statistically. It's just that anorexia is like the all hailed ED because thinness is the ideal. Overweight and obese people can still suffer physically and emotionally though.


They definitely do. Binging is expensive as hell, people shame you sometimes even in public and if you do lose weight no matter how you do it you get cheered on which enforces the "my value is all about my weight" thinking and encourages drastic weight loss attempts. And so much more, but those just were the first things that came to my mind atm

"I feel numb most of the time
The lower I get the higher I'll climb

And I will wonder why
I got dark only to shine
Looking for the golden light

Oh, it's a reasonable sacrifice

Burn, burn, burn bright"


Numb by Marina and the Diamonds

 

 

giphy.gif


#9 CherryGreen

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Posted 04 May 2021 - 02:32 PM

dude i feel you! i have yoyo dieted the past 5 years and it has always been very disordered. the past two weeks i've strictly had 900 or less calories and plan to go down to 700. its like i dont even care that resrticting that low is not healthy. i see my body as an ill proportioned monster. in my head living off coffee, tea, almond milk, oatmeal, unsweetened apple sauce, chicken/steak and popsicles is the right choice.


I've been there too with the 500-900kcal/day cycle so it's very relatable. Today I ate 1017kcal and burned 368 so it's kind of a relapse to that end of the spectrum. I was stuck in binge cycle for couple years, but seems like it's restricting time again.

"I feel numb most of the time
The lower I get the higher I'll climb

And I will wonder why
I got dark only to shine
Looking for the golden light

Oh, it's a reasonable sacrifice

Burn, burn, burn bright"


Numb by Marina and the Diamonds

 

 

giphy.gif


#10 GlitterUnicorn768

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Posted 05 May 2021 - 11:35 AM

That's what I used to feel when I was a 146lbs. Now, I am 99 lbs and I still feel the same!
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#11 CherryGreen

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Posted 05 May 2021 - 01:18 PM

That's what I used to feel when I was a 146lbs. Now, I am 99 lbs and I still feel the same!



I guess the feeling stays for some of us no matter what. I used to feel the same way when I was 45lbs lighter than now. Had the same feeling about my depression and anxiety too
  • GlitterUnicorn768 likes this

"I feel numb most of the time
The lower I get the higher I'll climb

And I will wonder why
I got dark only to shine
Looking for the golden light

Oh, it's a reasonable sacrifice

Burn, burn, burn bright"


Numb by Marina and the Diamonds

 

 

giphy.gif


#12 GlitterUnicorn768

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Posted 06 May 2021 - 07:20 AM

but somehow, it gets harder to lose the weight when you are at the normal-low bmi range... Also I just started uni and I need to eat at least 1600kcal a day during exam season to keep up my scores. I don't gain weight when I eat like that, but I certainly don't lose much either. I need that amount of food to concentrate



#13 astrotea

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Posted 06 May 2021 - 08:44 PM

I feel it, but also I don't at the same time? 

Like, to me, my ED is so personal. Sure, I share it here, but 99.9% of the experience is my own and it is so deeply personal that I feel valid. The feelings and habits I have are 100% valid and real. I know I have an ED.

 

However, I also feel like I'm ~less~ disordered than some bc I haven't been able to grab control of my weight and haven't really lost a consistent amount of weight in a long time. The yo-yo makes me feel like....sometimes I'm not valid? To me I feel valid, but on certain parts of MPA I feel less valid.


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#14 Montresor

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Posted 06 May 2021 - 09:23 PM

So, my disordered mind keeps telling me that I'm not "really having an ED" since my BMI/weight is so high. Obviously this is bull since I ended up to gain this weight because of binging in the first place. I hate the imposter feeling, since it makes me ashamed to be hanging in the forums. On the other hand it does give me motivation since I end up feeling so disgusting that I have to restrict. Anyone else having the same feeling? How do you deal with it?


Yeahh I can relate absolutely.

Height: 5'2"

HW: 270.0

LW: 165

CW: 207.0

UGW: 99

My accountability: https://www.myproana...-lbs-to-99-lbs/

 

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#15 CherryGreen

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Posted 07 May 2021 - 08:13 AM

I feel it, but also I don't at the same time? 
Like, to me, my ED is so personal. Sure, I share it here, but 99.9% of the experience is my own and it is so deeply personal that I feel valid. The feelings and habits I have are 100% valid and real. I know I have an ED.
 
However, I also feel like I'm ~less~ disordered than some bc I haven't been able to grab control of my weight and haven't really lost a consistent amount of weight in a long time. The yo-yo makes me feel like....sometimes I'm not valid? To me I feel valid, but on certain parts of MPA I feel less valid.


It's true that what comes out in these conversations is the peak of an iceberg when it comes to our ED's. I think for me it comes from bad self-esteem to be honest. I suffered from depression for 20years too and despite knowing I had it I still didn't feel "sick enough to deserve help" etc. It's pretty much the same with this. I grew up with the attitude of "you can't show weakness and must always survive on your own" which overtime developed into denial about my health. If I'm not sick I don't need to get help either, right? Despite knowing what I've live with it's only been last couple years when I've started to accept the fact that I'm not stable and can't always take care of myself.

"I feel numb most of the time
The lower I get the higher I'll climb

And I will wonder why
I got dark only to shine
Looking for the golden light

Oh, it's a reasonable sacrifice

Burn, burn, burn bright"


Numb by Marina and the Diamonds

 

 

giphy.gif




Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: BMI, Overweight, Fake, Imposter

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