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My mum told me to purge


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#1 Diettea123

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Posted 22 July 2021 - 01:05 AM

I'll preface with I'm diagnosed with An-R.

So last night I was super hungry, ravenous. I suddenly ate a sandwich (the wrap was 39 cals) without weighing/tracking. And I was soooo proud of myself. This wasn't a binge.

I was brave enough to drink wine and have veggie "crisps" and even mango and some grapes! I even took a bite of my mum's sandwich to try.

But the hunger was immense. And I ate half a hot dog roll and a croissant dipped in low cal butter, a light yoghurt with 1.5 Bananas, a shit tonnes of granola, low cal chocolate, cereal and also a pack of oat biscuits for 5x43kcals=215?!
And a glass of milk


I was fine. I was freaking a little but felt good to eat that. I was going to let it nourish me, even if a one off!

But then my heart starting racing and I was scared it was refeeding syndrome and my mum told me to go be sick to get the food out. Then seemed so judegmental of "well you should've just controlled yourself and not had all that". But she also knows, and I've asked her for support before, that I used to struggle with bulimic tendencies and yet where was the support from her last night?

If she was really concerned, instead of playing games on her phone when I asked her to come with me to the kitchen for support, she would've fucking stopped me. And helped me to stop eating. Instead of making me purge.

Now I don't know what to do today, because I can't be certain I got it all up as I didn't flush, I saw dinner and went for 2 rounds of puking. Just now I tried puking and all that came up was bile (6 hours later, but I have gastroparesis so stomach emptying is slow) And my head wants me to fast. Or eat a bit less today. But I also wanted to try not tracking and was going to attempt a semi-recovery. :( I just need some fucking support from family, is that too much to fucking ask for.

This is so frustrating as I was really proud of myself for not b/p. Although it wasn't intended to be one, it kinda was now.

I'm so worried.

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Height 5ft 1.5" / 155.5cm

 

CW 44.2 kg
43.3 kg
42.1 kg

41.7 kg

40.9 kg

40.1 kg

GW 40kg

 

39.6 kg

39.3 kg

38.9 kg

38.1 kg

36.8 kg

36.6 kg

36.1 kg

35.5 kg

34.5 kg

 

CMBI 14.2

 

UGW 36 kg

 

UGW 2: 34.9 kg

 

UGW 3: Maintenance


#2 Bunniidoll

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Posted 22 July 2021 - 01:24 AM

That's awful I'm sorry you clearly needed her support and safty she should have held you and comforted you
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#3 NetochkaNezvanova

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Posted 22 July 2021 - 01:25 AM

I am so sorry that you were treated that way from your mother when you needed her most.

And please do not beat yourself up over it. You cannot change what happened yesterday. You can only move forward. Just take one day at a time, one minute at a time, if you have to.
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#4 PrettyLilKitty

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Posted 22 July 2021 - 01:29 AM

That is not how a good mother would act, I'm so sorry. Do you feel like you can tell her honestly how she made you feel? Parents are humans too with flaws and they are still learning. I would tell her that what she did yesterday was very damaging and that you need her support because you want to get well. What a good mother would have done is if she really suspected refeeding syndrome, was take you to urgent care. I'm so sorry you went through that.


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#5 existentialplastic

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Posted 22 July 2021 - 01:38 AM

What the everloving fuck. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm proud of you for fighting so hard for yourself even with actively antagonistic support people.
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look who failed at recovery again

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But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness

So darkness I became

#6 Diettea123

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Posted 22 July 2021 - 01:41 AM

That is not how a good mother would act, I'm so sorry. Do you feel like you can tell her honestly how she made you feel? Parents are humans too with flaws and they are still learning. I would tell her that what she did yesterday was very damaging and that you need her support because you want to get well. What a good mother would have done is if she really suspected refeeding syndrome, was take you to urgent care. I'm so sorry you went through that.

I told her this morning. The thing is I already warned her about it. The dietitian at the hospital told her. We all informed her about RFS. And also how I don't want to feel like I'm "binging" due to my past.

She's just useless. She just sat there in the kitchen on her phone. I can't wait to go back to uni :/

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  • PrettyLilKitty likes this

Height 5ft 1.5" / 155.5cm

 

CW 44.2 kg
43.3 kg
42.1 kg

41.7 kg

40.9 kg

40.1 kg

GW 40kg

 

39.6 kg

39.3 kg

38.9 kg

38.1 kg

36.8 kg

36.6 kg

36.1 kg

35.5 kg

34.5 kg

 

CMBI 14.2

 

UGW 36 kg

 

UGW 2: 34.9 kg

 

UGW 3: Maintenance


#7 PrettyLilKitty

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Posted 22 July 2021 - 01:46 AM

I told her this morning. The thing is I already warned her about it. The dietitian at the hospital told her. We all informed her about RFS. And also how I don't want to feel like I'm "binging" due to my past.

She's just useless. She just sat there in the kitchen on her phone. I can't wait to go back to uni :/

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I am just glad you can come here to get support <3


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#8 Laura1982

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Posted 22 July 2021 - 01:56 AM

This is awful, you can’t just control yourself, especially if you’ve had experiences with bulimia. I myself have too and am scared to eat incase of just not stopping which is one of the reasons I’ve ended up being so restrictive. I really hope you feel better and sorry you had such an experience, you’re definitely right your mum should have supported you and took you for medical advice if you were afraid of any possible damage. Encouraging purging is just not ok! Bulimia was literally hell on earth for me I’m sure the last thing you want to be doing is going down that road again. You have support from people on here my lovely including myself, feel free to message me if you ever want to talk xx 


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#9 ChibiBunny

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Posted 22 July 2021 - 08:56 AM

This makes me so angry, fuck your mom. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. I want you to know that eating is not something to be ashamed of, no matter what your ED might tell you. I'm so sorry your family isn't being supportive like they should be. 

 

If. there's any way I can help support you, please feel free to PM me. Recovery is so fucking hard, especially when you're trying to doit by yourself. I'm so proud of you for considering it and trying to fight your ED.

 

Your irl family might not be supportive, but your MPA family is here to help. So glad you reached out. here for support <3


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I'm literally just a mess at this point:

 

mess
/mes/
 
noun
 
  1.  
    a dirty or untidy state of things or of a place
     
  2. a situation or state of affairs that is confused or full of difficulties.

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#10 LazyLimbo

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Posted 22 July 2021 - 09:21 AM

Environment is very important for recovery. You have to have people who support you along the way. And I am really sorry to hear that you're not getting that from your mom ): 

 

Do you maybe have any friends or loved ones that could be more supportive or let you vent a little bit?

 

Or, even though its hard, maybe try telling your mom about what she did.


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