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PWR 1200 Journey


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#21 Karlie93

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Posted 22 August 2021 - 11:59 AM

Hey

 

ive been a bit quiet on here I’m sorry. I promise I haven’t been binging or anything. I’ve just been really depressed. It gets particularly bad at night. I fall into this pit, where I feel really lonely and needy and hopeless. When I wake up in the morning it’s gone. But the evenings…. God. I haven’t weighed myself since I last fell off the diet as my period is due and I feel bloated. 
 

Im going away with a high school friend tomorrow to Wales until Wednesday. I’m so fucking nervous. She eats a lot and always carries snacks with her. So I went to whole foods today and picked up low carb snacks so that I don’t end up eating hers - raw cacao bars, seaweed chips, banana chips etc. I need advice please. How should I tackle the next three days? I’m contemplating between the following:

 

  • saying I’m not hungry at breakfast and lunch, but snack on low carb snacks so it looks like I’m eating, then have a no carb salad for dinner. - but I’m worried this will make her uncomfortable 
  • eat the three meals but keep them in line with the 17 day diet rules
  • eat what I want as it’s just three days - but this scares me as I won’t be able to purge because we’re sharing a room. 

what do you think I should do? I think the second option is most realistic but I’m scared. I know if we go somewhere that doesn’t have foods allowed on my diet that I will panic and flip out. Please help. 
 

I obviously won’t be able to weigh in until I’m back. Also Thursday is the start of Cycle 2 so I’ll lay those rules out maybe Wednesday night or Thursday morning. If we go by my last weigh in which was 65, I started at 69 and lost 4kg despite not sticking to the diet perfectly, which is great. I’ll see what my final weigh in of this cycle on Thursday morning says. Im so scared I’m going to fuck up over the holiday and gain. So. Fucking. Scared. 


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#22 rotten_apple

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Posted 22 August 2021 - 12:37 PM

 

I know right!!! I think the book is very outdated tbh, which is surprising as it was published in 2010.

 

 

  • fish - salmon, sole, plaice, tilapia, tuna
  • poultry - chicken breast, Turkey breast, Turkey mince lean, 2 eggs, 4 eggs whites
  • veg
  • low sugar fruit - apples, berries, grapefruit, oranges, peaches, pears, plums, red grapes
  • probiotics - low fat yoghurt, kefir, Yakut, cottage cheese, low fat and sodium miso, tempeh, kimchi
  • olive oil, linseed oil
  • condiments - salsa, pasta sauce, soy sauce, ketchup, sour cream, sodium broth, jam, cheese, salad dressing - all must be low fat. 

    let me know if you need anything else!

 

 

Thank you very much! I'm taking notes and probably start around the first week of September. I'm following your thread in the meantime. :)


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Twisting deep inside of me,
Forever missing, the glistening.

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28. Italy. EDNOS

Drugs and alcohol are my only friends.

Blog: [⛔ for friends only]

Introduction: [here]

 

 Competitions and Challenges 

 

 

d9br00j-bb991e00-bfa5-403f-bd81-8a97d6be

 

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#23 Karlie93

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Posted 22 August 2021 - 02:48 PM

Thank you very much! I'm taking notes and probably start around the first week of September. I'm following your thread in the meantime. :)

 

awesome, if you want any help or recipe ideas or anything, let me know! And if you start an accountability for it, also let me know so I can follow along!


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#24 Karlie93

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Posted 23 August 2021 - 03:48 PM

So a mistake was made.

She said we’d be going for 3 days. I assumed that meant Monday - Wednesday. When we got to the hotel she clarified she meant 3 nights so we’d be leaving Thursday.

At first I was okay with it. But then the anxiety hit and I was on the brink of a panic attack in the middle of the street, I’m NOT comfortable, I’m out of routine, out of habit, my safe foods aren’t around me, I can’t smoke as often because she doesn’t like it which adds to my nerves.

I need my safety. I need my comforters. My gym, my walks, my fasts, my pills, knowing the calories of everything and timing out my meals. Am I being dramatic? I feel like I’m being dramatic. Well it all feels very dramatic. I feel like I’m drowning - I’m not comfortable.

I’m going home on Wednesday, and I’ll happily pay her back for the night we won’t be staying. I don’t care just get me home. I’m so uncomfortable.

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#25 Karlie93

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Posted 23 August 2021 - 03:48 PM

Dp

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#26 Karlie93

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Posted 24 August 2021 - 11:21 AM

17 Day Diet Cycle 2 Rules (starting 26 Aug)

 

Cycle the 17 days between cycle 1 and cycle 2. Eg day 1- eat from cycle 1, day 2- eat from cycle 2, day 3- eat from cycle 1 etc etc. 
 

you guys already know the rules for cycle 1, so we know what to expect I’ll be eating on those days. Here are the food rules for cycle 2 days. 
 

Guidelines:

 

  • Remove skin from chicken and turkey
  • Trim fat from meat
  • Up to 2 eggs a day
  • Avoid alcohol
  • No more than 2 servings of natural starches a day
  • No fruit or starch past 2pm
  • Exercise for at least 17 mins a day

Cycle 2 food list

 

Everything in cycle 1 +

 

proteins: 

  • clams, crab, mussels, oysters, prawns
  • beef, pork, lamb

 

Starches:

  • barley, rice, bulgur, couscous, oats
  • potato, sweet corn, sweet potato, taro
  • pulses - basically a list of different beans 

 

Im not too sure how the no starches after 2pm rule is gonna work for me, because I still plan on combining this with OMAD, so I’ll still have brown rice with my meals on cycle 2 days. 
 

also a few updates from me. 
 

when I was underweight, I was combining my weight training with interval treadmill runs. So I’m bringing that back. 4 runs a week + 4 weight training workouts a week. I’ll be using the Aaptiv app for my runs. Also I’m going to be working out AFTER dinner rather than in the morning. Hopefully this will stop me from getting hungry so much through the day, and will help me sleep better. Gym closes at 10 so shouldn’t be problem. 
 

my gym is across the road from me. It’s Virgin Active. I got an email today saying that it’s permanently closing and that my membership is transferring to the Mayfair branch at no extra cost even though it’s more expensive and has way cooler facilities - like reformer Pilates! That’ll be from this Saturday so can’t wait to try that out.  
 

Anyway, that’s it from me. I’ll be heading back to London tomorrow so starting Cycle 2 on Thursday. 

Here’s me and puppy in Wales: 

 

 

DDE3-CE52-0-AEA-423-E-865-C-F05573-FC129


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#27 Karlie93

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Posted 25 August 2021 - 09:17 AM

HEADING HOME TONIGHT!!!!!!!!
 

Im so excited. 
 

ive got my workouts scheduled in, my meals planned, will go grocery shopping tomorrow morning. God I’m so ready to smash it. I know my last weigh in was about 65, I’m not gonna weigh in again until Monday and I aim to be around 63. But obviously I’ll track my intake and exercise here with you guys. God. I’m so exhausted. My body feels DISGUSTING. I’m super bloated because im on my period. Like I feel like a blob. 
 

I really don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. I’m dreading it. I hate my job so much. I’m currently interviewing for a new job - the one I told you about last week, where they had me film my answers to a few questions. They sent me a personality test to take so I’m waiting to hear back. I really hope I get it. I need out of my current job ASAP. I’m even considering just handing in my notice and living off my parents money while I job hunt. But I’m 27 and taking money from my parents feels irresponsible. I guess I’ll just have to tough it out and work hard at getting a job elsewhere. 
 

Counting down the hours till I get home. 
 

here’s me and puppy: 

 

BBF32460-8-B6-E-4-F72-B71-D-17-AC5-FB690

EFA362-C4-E103-4-A66-A43-B-7-E33-A3-B139

ALSO

 

I joined a really small intimate ED group on Kik that I found here on MPA. They don’t do rules or weigh ins or anything. Everyone just updates how they’re getting on, and support each other with goals. If you want to join just message @recovnever / Randi D on Kik and let her know. You have to be over 20 yrs old though. 
 

I’ll speak to you tomorrow for Cycle 2!!!!! - unless you join the Kik group, then I’ll speak to you there!!! Xx

 

 


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#28 Karlie93

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Posted 26 August 2021 - 12:50 PM

Cycle 2, Day 1

Weight: 65.9kg

Breakfast: fast

Lunch: fast

Dinner: baked chicken breast, brown rice, and steamed veg

total intake: 555 cal

 

Notes: So I ended up weighing in today. A gain of 0.9kg. Which I’m relieved about as I honestly thought I’d gained like 9kg. Hopefully I lose it quick as a lot of it will be binge weight. Also I wanted to weigh in as it’s the first day on cycle 2, and I wanted to know exactly how much I’d lose in these next 17 days. 
 

I had planned to go to the gym this evening and do a run, and a leg workout but A- my period is quite heavy today and I can’t imagine doing squats or deadlifts in this state. B - my puppy is sick. He’s thrown up 4 times today, keeps shivering and has no energy. I’m quite worried and am giving him all the love and attention. I don’t want to leave him this evening so no gym. I just fed him chicken breast and rice as advised by the vet. If he throws it up too, then the vet said to bring him in tomorrow. Im praying it settles his stomach and he’ll sleep this off. 
 

Ive ordered a new digital scale with an app. It detects a bunch of shit like weight, BMI, body fat % etc. It should arrive today. I’ll screenshot my stats from the app and post them here from now on. 
 

Otherwise today…. I took puppy on a walk before work (before he was sick). Then had crazy anxiety about starting work. Then worked till about 1:30, and just chilled with the laptop on until 5. I hate my job so much. Will submit more job applications tonight. Last night I got really panicked about how broke I was and applied for part time bar staff/waitressing jobs to do alongside my full time job just for more income. Then this morning I decided that was crazy and should just focus on finding a better paying full time job. One of the bar jobs called me back though and I panicked and told them I wasn’t looking for work anymore. I’m a mess. 
 

also if you remember James…. I haven’t heard from or seen him since he came over two weeks ago. So I got back on Tinder. Matched with an actor who wanted to meet tonight. But he asked me to come to his hotel to watch a film and we all know what that means. I’m not looking to hookup so I unmatched him. Tbh I’m in no state to be dating anyway. I’m broke, I’m focused on dieting, and I just don’t have the energy to be social.
 

I spent all my money for this week on a grocery order that fits in with the diet. So I physically cannot spend another penny till next week which means I won’t be able to buy binge food no matter what. Unless I want to binge on steamed veg and salad leaves haha. 
 

That’s it for today. Sorry if I seem ungrateful about my job. I know that lots of people wish they were employed and I’m here bitching about it. I’m just not happy there. I keep thinking about quitting over and over. Ugh.

 

Please send positive thoughts to puppy. I love him so much and want to see him bouncing around ASAP. Xx


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#29 akyre

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Posted 26 August 2021 - 04:03 PM

Hope your puppy will be okay soon!
Your doing great, don’t have to worry about the 0.9 kg. You definitely gonna lose it all in few days, even one.
About job, I fell the same. Now I’m unemployed and searching for something nice with a good paycheck.. but seems pretty impossibile lol

Good Luck for your Cycle 2
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#30 Karlie93

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Posted 27 August 2021 - 03:54 AM

Hope your puppy will be okay soon!
Your doing great, don’t have to worry about the 0.9 kg. You definitely gonna lose it all in few days, even one.
About job, I fell the same. Now I’m unemployed and searching for something nice with a good paycheck.. but seems pretty impossibile lol

Good Luck for your Cycle 2

Thank you lovely.

 

puppy has kept dinner from last night down, and slept through the night so hopefully it was just a stomach bug.

Yeah the .9kg will go in no time!!!
good luck with your job hunt!!! Xx


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#31 Karlie93

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Posted 27 August 2021 - 01:30 PM

Cycle 2, Day 2

Breakfast: fast

Lunch: fast

Dinner: baked chicken breast, brown rice, and steamed veg

snack: Starbucks lemon iced drink

total intake: 595 cal

 

258-EDB52-DA9-C-42-FA-965-C-929-C7-B38-E

 

Notes: Not the biggest drop in weight, but still a drop so I’ll take it. 
 

puppy is fine today!!!!! I think it was just a stomach bug or something. Thank god. 
 

so worked today. Had mad anxiety before logging in, then did nothing all day. Met my mum on my lunch break for a double espresso. She got talking about my writing. Basically at University I majored in Creative Writing, then I went on to do a Masters in it. I published a few short stories and a screenplay. I’ve been writing loads of short stories ever since and always want to find an agent to get them published but I hate rejection. She suggested I start a YouTube channel where I read a short story every video. I hate YouTube so was like no thanks. Then it occurred to me that I could publish a podcast. I’m very impulsive so after my lunch break, I researched a decent microphone for podcast recording, signed up to Apple Podcasts to publish, and spent about an hour sketching a cover art for the series. It’s called Undeveloped Polaroids, as each story is like a photograph - a snapshot, and since it’s just a moment in a characters life … it’s undeveloped haha. 
 

this is the artwork I did: 


F698-D2-C8-5-B4-F-4-DB5-BFE1-88-F3-C3-C5

 

Most of my stories tend to have ED themes… not in your face, but if you have an ED then you would recognise small character behaviours here and there. My mic arrives tonight and I want to get the first story out on Sunday but Apple take up to 72 hours to review the content so we’ll see. When it’s out I’ll let you know, and it would be super cool if you listened, and let me know!!! 
 

After work, I met a friend for coffee. Except I’d already had 5 double espressos and I had to buy something, so I got a lemon iced drink as it was only 80 cals. Then I came home and made dinner, and now I’m waiting for my mic! I’m so excited. 
 

Ive decided not to exercise this week for two reasons. One, I like hitting 4 weight workouts, and 3 cardio based workouts a week, and given that I spent half the week in Wales, that’s not going to happen. Two, I want to get used to my lower intake and fasts before I throw exercise into the mix. So two more days, then on Monday we hit the gym. The new fancy gym I told you about before. I haven’t been there yet so I wonder what it’ll be like. 
 

Anyway, really fucking relieved that it’s Friday, and a bank holiday weekend so no work till Tuesday. Xx

 

 

 


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#32 Karlie93

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Posted 28 August 2021 - 03:14 PM

Cycle 2, Day 3

Breakfast: skinny flat white 

Lunch: chicken salad and cake

Dinner: wine and crisps 

 

82-BB5-BE9-F3-D7-439-E-B77-D-299-D555-C7


Trigger warning - self harm fantasies 

 

Notes: Today was … a mixed bag. 
 

so in the morning I worked on editing and re recording bits of my podcast. Then I met a friend with my puppy for a walk in the park. We went to Starbucks and I ordered a skinny flat white. Usually I drink double espressos as they’re low cal but I was STARVING, so had the flat white. When I got home, I was still ravenous so I went out and bought a really low cal couscous salad even though I can’t afford it at the moment. But I decided I would fast until dinner and not eat it, so kept it in the fridge. Then I distracted myself by finishing my podcast and PUBLISHED IT!!!!!!! I’m so happy!!!! 


I made a post about it in the media forum, but you can see my real name in the post so I deleted it. If you want to listen to the short story podcast, please DM me and I’ll send you a link! 
 

Then my family invited me out to lunch and I decided to go as I hadn’t seen them all in ages. They all had slices of cake while I ordered a chicken salad. Then I thought fuck it, I just published a podcast, I deserve a treat. So I also had a slice of cake, then started a fast. 
 

I got home and chatted to some friends who were listening to the podcast. I was craving some wine, just to kill the day and put me to sleep. So I ordered a bottle of wine. Again can’t afford it. Really gonna struggle financially this month. The bottle came with complimentary crisps. I drank, I ate, I purged. I listened to Taylor swift and got really emotional. I’m still really emotional. I feel so lonely. I want to hurt myself. I want to rip my hair out or gauge my eyes out, and slap myself silly. I want to destroy myself from the inside out and the outside in. I want to bang my head against the wall until it’s a bloody mess. I hate myself. I feel unlovable and like I’m broken or something. My family “love” me but I’m CONSTANTLY lying to them. They don’t know anything about me really. God. 
 

I’ll weigh in again on Monday. Praying to be in the low 64’s/high 63’s.


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#33 Karlie93

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Posted 29 August 2021 - 01:03 PM

Cycle 2, Day 4

Breakfast: wispa chocolate bar 

Lunch: skinny latte

Dinner: Turkey breast, steamed veg and two eggs

total intake: 809 cals

 

7323-A911-7-F40-48-D1-B1-CD-D1-A0836095-

 

Notes: so I ended up weighing in again despite my slip up last night. Glad I did as I’ve lost weight somehow which is awesome. I had a leftover chocolate bar from last night for breakfast then threw everything else away. 
 

I woke up SUPER late today at 11am even though I’d slept at like 9:30pm the night before. Must have been due to the alcohol. I showered and washed my hair for the first time in 6 days which is disgusting I know but I’ve been super depressed and haven’t been up for taking care of myself at all. In all honesty I would have not showered for longer but I literally had to FORCE myself. I didn’t really get up to much throughout the morning. Scheduled in my workouts for the week: 

 

Monday - HIIT + Sweat

Tuesday - HIIT + Sweat

Wednesday - rest

Thursday - HIIT + Sweat

Friday - HIIT + Sweat

Saturday - reformer Pilates + yoga

Sunday - reformer Pilates + yoga

 

HIIT = high intensity interval treadmill run using the Aaptiv app

Sweat - Kayla Itsines HIIT gym based program

Reformer Pilates and yoga - classes at my new gym. 
 

I also took a body check this morning: 

 

10-F4756-E-8-C3-C-40-E1-9086-01005950-BC

 

I carry all my fat around my hips as you can tell. 
 

Anyway then I took my puppy and went to Hyde Park to meet some friends. It ended being just me and one of my best friends, let’s call her Stacey. I’ve known Stacey since university but she’s 2 years younger than me. She lives in a better area, has a much bigger flat, makes A LOT more money than I do, is prettier than I am, and loves herself and is a lot more secure than I am. This has never been a problem for me and I’ve ALWAYS been proud of her and celebrated her wins. Over the past few months she started dating this guy she met on tinder. I’ve been on every fucking dating app trying to meet someone decent for about a year now and it hasn’t happened. She met a decent guy straight away who ADORES her. Which is fine. BUUUUUT recently she’s been spending WAY more time with him and neglecting me. She barely replies to my messages. She says she’s too busy to meet up or too stressed to meet up but then I find out she’s been with him for three days straight???  Anyway the whole thing has made me really bitter. We were best friends. We spoke every day and did everything together. Then as soon as you get a man, suddenly I don’t exist? It’s just annoying. I’m probably just jealous and lashing out but idc. Also she told me today that a friend of hers sent her an aggressive message stating that she barely replies to texts anymore and Stacey couldn’t understand why she’d think that. So it’s not just me who’s getting this treatment, other people have noticed it. I was really cold with her when we met and then left really soon, and felt really sad. 
 

Then I came home, had dinner, swiped through tinder and matched someone who’s quite talkative which is nice, but we’ll see. He’s really muscly and claims to be an athlete. I’ll let you know what happens. 
 

Had dinner, now I’m chilling with my puppy waiting for my grocery delivery to arrive. Praying to be in the 63’s tomorrow!!!!! Xx

 

 


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#34 Karlie93

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Posted 30 August 2021 - 02:52 PM

Cycle 2, Day 5

Breakfast: fast

Lunch: skinny latte + couscous salad

Dinner: pork medallion, steamed veg, brown rice

snack: protein shake

total intake: 834 cals

Exercise: HIIT run -383 cals, + SWEAT Lower body workout -421 cals

 

Notes: I maintained my weight which is really annoying but at least I didn’t gain. 
 

I chilled all morning, then met a friend for a walk in Regent’s Park with puppy. After that, my mum called and said she wanted me to meet her friends son. She’s dying to marry me off. He’s shorter than me so nothing was going to happen and I told her that, but she went on and on and on, so I agreed to keep her quiet. Me, my sister, and my parents met him and his mum for a walk in Chiswick Park. He was WAYYYYYY shorter than me. I put in no effort. It was 5pm by the time I got home. All I’d had was a couscous salad and skinny latte, plus done a lot of walking so I was starving. But I knew I needed to go gym before dinner as due to the bank holiday today, it would close at 8pm. I made a protein shake (50 cals and 10g of protein), to take with me in case I got dizzy. 
 

So this was my first time at the Mayfair gym. It was SUPER lush and fancy and pretty, I took loads of snaps to show my sisters, then got told off by the staff. So I did my first HIIT run in over a year. It was really tough and I was SHATTERED afterwards. I knew I had to get lower body done though. So I hit the squat rack. As I was loading plates onto the bar, my vision got funny and everything started spinning. So I chugged the protein shake and kept going. Usually I can squat 45/50kg. Today I only managed 30kg, and thought I was going to pass out between sets. I genuinely considered quitting the workout as it would be super embarrassing to faint on my first day at a new gym, but I kept going. Somehow I managed to finish the workout, stretched, then took a bus home despite it only being a 15 minute walk away. 
 

tomorrow the gym closes at it’s usual 10pm so I’ll go after dinner, so that I don’t feel faint. 
 

got home, showered, made dinner, and now I’m honestly ready to sleep. But my puppy is zooming around the room, so I have to tire him out a bit first. God. I swear if I haven’t dropped 150kg in weight tomorrow…. 
 


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#35 Karlie93

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Posted 31 August 2021 - 03:12 PM

Cycle 2, Day 6

Breakfast: 2 soft boiled eggs 

Lunch: 5 double shot espressos 

Dinner: salmon salad

total intake: idk as idk how many cals were in the salad

 

7-D3-E81-B7-A3-AE-4-BE7-900-E-145874-F21

0809118-E-A0-D4-482-F-B62-F-F2-CF5-CAFEA

 

Notes: I didn’t lose as much as I had hoped today but I still lose and am in the 63’s which is awesome. 
 

Im burnt out. I was tired all day. I had a headache all day. I chugged double shot espressos all day. I was depressed all day. I logged onto work and did nothing. I said I’d do stuff but I didn’t do it. I didn’t even keep the laptop open, I just used my work phone to appear online. I lazed around the flat feeling tired and headachey and hungry. At 2pm I gave up pretending to work and went I Costco with my mum. I picked up oats, peanut butter, oat milk, and seeds to make a porridge bowl with on the carb allowed days. I got low fat yoghurt to mix with honey on the carb free days. I’ve decided I’m going to keep skipping breakfast but have lunches according to the diet. I can’t do the amount of exercise I do, on such few calories because I’m MISERABLE. 
 

Needless to say I didn’t go to the gym, not because of tiredness - that never stops me. But because I left puppy alone while at Costco and didn’t want to leave him alone for another two hours shortly after. I feel bad for him. Imagine being a playful puppy and having a low energy miserable owner. I want to do better for him. He deserves better. 
 

I had dinner planned but ended up picking up a salad at Costco because I was getting really dizzy. It was a salmon salad with no carbs. I used a small amount of the dressing as luckily they put it in a separate container but I don’t know how many calories the whole thing was. I didn’t eat again after that anyway. 
 

I worked on my podcast. Put it up on Spotify, and Google Podcasts. I also reached out to an author and asked how much she charges for interviews and whether I could interview her on my podcast. She agreed and we set a date for next Thursday. I also found some companies who pay to advertise on podcasts and pitched my podcast to them, in the hopes one of them will want a slot and pay me. 
 

I can do my podcast work as it’s engaging and distracting and doesn’t require much brain power. But I’m going to run out of short stories soon, and writing new ones while restricting will be a struggle. 
 

Anyway, I then spent the evening wallowing in self pity, feeling sad and alone and cancelled on my Wednesday plans to go to a comedy show with friends, so that I can go to the gym instead. I called my mum and told her I want to quit my job as it’s making me unhappy and giving me anxiety, and she yelled at me for being ungrateful. 
 

I then contacted my GP asking if I could have a sick note for two weeks due to my depression getting worse. I’d previously been signed off work for ED and depression earlier in the year for a month. They know my story. 
 

I feel like theres this constant cloud in my head. I can’t see things clearly or think clearly. I can’t stand the thought of being around people but I’m so sad by myself. The only thing that makes sense is to restrict and exercise and weigh in. I’m so unhappy. 

 


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#36 Karlie93

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Posted 02 September 2021 - 01:59 PM

Cycle 2, Day 8

Breakfast: few spoons of peanut butter

Lunch: skinny flat white, slice of bread

Dinner: Grilled BBQ wings 

snack: protein shake

total intake: Approx 637 cals

Exercise: HIIT run -279 cals, + SWEAT Upper body workout -205 cals

 

Notes: A lot has happened over the past 2 days so here we go. 

 

I was getting increasing depressed and spiralling, and becoming an all time mess. I spoke to my GP who signed me off from work due to depression for 2 days. That kicked from today. 

 

I don't know if you've listened to my first podcast episode, but it tells the story of a girl who paints people naked. I used a friend from work as one of the characters, not thinking she would listen to the podcast. She did. She wasn't happy as we weren't friends at the time that I wrote the story, and I was mean in her description. Yesterday during work she messaged saying that she couldn't believe I could be so vindictive and do that to her. I explained that I wrote the story at a time that we didn't like each other and that's where my description came from. I video called her, as I wanted to speak to her face to face, and she was crying. My heart broke. I never intended to hurt her and I should have given her a warning before the episode went live. I immediately took the episode down, and right after work, did the 1 hour and a half journey with a box of Dunkin Donuts to her house to apologise. She was really surprised and touched that I'd made the effort to visit, and we chit chatted and had a lovely time. I still don't believe I've done enough as I must have really hurt her, and the fact that I made her cry will always haunt me. I'm never uploading anything that features someone I know, without giving them the heads up first. 

 

By the time I got home, I'd been gone about 4 hours due to the journey time, and there was no way I was leaving puppy alone again, so I didn't go to the gym. I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted and felt like a piece of shit. 

 

This morning, I sent my manager my sick note and logged off for the next two weeks. I plan to spend it focusing on getting underweight as I'm only about 5kg away which is nothing. I'm also going to focus on my Podcast, and on applying to new jobs. I managed to get my podcast up on Apple, Spotify, Google and Stitcher. I recorded a trailer this morning and replaced the horrific episode with the trailer instead. When puppy goes to sleep later, I will record a different story and upload that. 

 

I actually made it to the gym this morning since I wasn't working. I did my run, and then did upper body. There was a woman at the gym who MUST have been a model. She was training with a PT, was tall and had that skinny but toned aesthetic that I am dying for. There was also another girl who was quite bony and looked underweight, on the stair master except she was barely moving on it, and watching a video for the entire time that I was running. I couldn't help but stare and wish I had her legs. 

 

After the gym, I came home, sorted out my trailer, then met my mum with puppy and we went out to to a cafe. She had a loaf of bread with her and I was SO HUNGRY given that I hadn't eaten and had gone gym, that I asked for a plain slice and ate it. It was 117 cals. Then we went to get her car washed and went to an outdoor restaurant. The only safe food I could identify on the menu were BBQ wings as they were grilled. I ordered a portion of 6 and declined the chips, had it with diet cola. I ate that around 4:30pm and I'm still full from it so will count it as dinner. 

 

I haven't weighed in as I've been so stressed, and my weight was basically maintained for like 4 days. I'll get back on it tomorrow and update you. 

 

The links to my podcast are as follows: 

 

Apple: https://podcasts.app...i=1000533388445

Spotify: https://open.spotify...NE3wtzUyyAdn9Pj

 

It would mean the world to me if you could leave a review and rating 。◕ ‿ ◕。 as thats how the algorithm boosts the podcast. 

 

Anyway, I'm gonna go record the first story to post it. Tomorrow will be full body day at the gym along with another HIIT run. I'm going to have protein shake at the gym, then fast until dinner where I will have steak, sweet potato fries, and veg. It'll come up to about 600-700 cals which is fine. 

 

That's all from me! Speak soon Xx


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#37 Karlie93

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Posted 05 September 2021 - 05:12 PM

Hi, 

 

ive been super depressed and miserable. I didn’t leave my flat yesterday. Spent it alternating between napping and crying and napping and crying over and over. No appetite yet feel incredibly fat. Don’t want to do anything. Can’t bring myself to do anything, just brushing my teeth is a huge accomplishment. 
 

Today I decided to force it. Just force myself to do things no matter how hard they seemed. 
 

I forced myself to shower in the morning, and wash and blow dry my hair (it’s been a week since I’ve washed it). Forced myself to dress nice, and take puppy out somewhere new. We walked along the canal and I got a ham and cheese panini as I was feeling dizzy. Forced myself to make plans with the podcast friend I’d fucked over, and travelled an hour with puppy to meet her in the park and chilled with her. Forced myself to sit through an entire comedy film (I can never sit through a full film). I had pizza for dinner and forced myself to resist the purge urges and keep it down. And finally, I forced myself to brush my teeth at night, wash my face, and apply an overnight cream. 
 

they sound like such simple tasks but I had a headache all day, was tired all day, and tried to talk myself out of everything as it all felt like too much. I’m really glad I got out of my comfort zone and DID stuff as I feel refreshed. Not happy, but refreshed. 

 

3-CB186-D9-1-D84-425-C-84-C7-3235380-D3-

 

Im not going to continue with the 17 day diet. I got from 69 to 63kg which is awesome, but I also spiralled into my depression, got signed off work, mistreated my friends, victimised myself in every situation, and lost all productivity. I’m going to continue losing weight to reach my goal of 58kg, but I’m going to up my intake. I’ll still be working a lot (will be at the gym for 7am tomorrow), but I’m aiming for 1200, 3 meals a day, as opposed to 600-700, OMAD. I’ll still update here daily, it’ll just be a different journey. Hopefully a more positive one. 
 

I have 5kg to go so I aim to hit my goal in 4-5 weeks realistically. 
 

thanks for joining my journey so far, let’s see where tomorrow takes us! Xx


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#38 Karlie93

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Posted 05 September 2021 - 05:15 PM

Also - I changed the title of this thread to PWR 1200 Journey, as I’m starting the PWR program in the sweat app tomorrow. I’ve done it before and really enjoyed it. + 1200, as that’s the cals I’m going to be on. 


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#39 Karlie93

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Posted 06 September 2021 - 12:53 PM

Breakfast - Protein Oats with peanut butter

Lunch - tuna pasta

Dinner - salmon and veg

snack - vegan protein shake 

Total intake: 1195 cals

Exercise: PWR Chest and triceps + HIIT Run

 

Notes: I don’t know how many cals I burnt as I forgot my Fitbit on the charger when I left for the gym. I woke up at 6am, had a smoke, had coffee, made my protein shake, and headed out to the gym. The HIIT run was straightforward. It was my first day on the PWR program in ages and I forgot how tough it was. The gym was actually pretty busy, and the weights section was full of muscular men. Usually they don’t intimidate me but I found myself in an awkward phase today. Some moves - like chest press using a dual cable, I could manage easily with X weight so I’d try the next weight up available and it was too heavy. So I either looked like I was breezing through low weights, or really struggling with heavier ones. It’s annoying to be in between weights but hopefully I build strength and level up soon. 
 

I was late night shopping yesterday and ended up on the Woman’s Best website. I ordered BCAA powder, pre workout powder, and protein pancakes. All super low cal. I don’t REALLY understand the purpose of the BCAA, it’s supposed to contain amino acids or proteins or something that our body doesn’t naturally produce, so it’s taken to help with building and repairing muscle. The preworkout is basically a tonne of caffeine. And the protein pancakes are for a nice weekend breakfast. I really wanted the pre workout and the pancakes, wasn’t sure about the BCAA but I’ll let you know how I get on with it. I’m not worried about bulking even though I lift and take all these supplements. I’m not eating enough to build much muscle realistically or gain. I want to just get slimmer and toned. 
 

After gym, I came home and recorded a new episode of my podcast. Had breakfast. Edited and published the podcast. Wrote out interview questions for the author I’m interviewing on Thursday, and sent them across to her. Had lunch. It was weird eating so much for breakfast and lunch, especially the carbs. I ignored the fear and just did it. 
 

I wanted to have dinner at 6, so at 5 i took puppy out for a walk. Except he literally lost his mind. He’s always really well behaved, except this big dog growled and barked at him, and he started whining and got scared. So I carried him until he calmed down. Then he just started ZOOMING. like running in circles and darting and barking at people. He’s never done that before, I kept trying to calm him down but he was literally flipping out. I got really worried, so I carried him, he calmed down, and I took him back home. As soon as we got home he went to sleep despite it being a short walk. 
 

Annnd that’s it for today. I have a job interview tomorrow for a Partner Relations Manager role, which is offering a lot more money than I’m currently on and would fix my constantly being broke problems. The interview is with a hiring manager in Canada, so it’s at 5pm my time. Plenty of time to prepare. I’m going to ace it idc. Please wish me luck. 
 

Xx


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#40 Karlie93

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Posted 09 September 2021 - 03:02 PM

Okay a lot has happened so get ready for a massive update. 
 

im still signed off from work. But remember I told you I was interviewing for a new job? I made it to third interview round with the director! That interview is happening tomorrow afternoon!!!! I’m so excited. However they told me that they don’t think I’m the right fit for the job I applied to, and instead suggested another job within the company that they think suits me more. I read the job description and agree. It’s the same salary so no dispute from me there. 
 

I was chatting to a guy on Tinder and we met for our first date yesterday. I suggested a walk in the park as I didn’t want to eat. It went really well. I saw him again today … for another walk in the park. He suggested going for dinner and getting pizza but I said I was eating with my family in order to avoid it. He’s really lovely, but it’s only possible been two dates so who knows. 
 

I was approached by a modelling agency to do a test shoot with them in two weeks. I agreed. They said they don’t charge for anything which is to expected BUT they wanted a deposit to secure the test shoot. They said the deposit is completely refundable once I show up to the shoot, it’s literally so they don’t waste their time setting it all up and then I’m a no show. I did a bit of research about the company to make sure it wasn’t a scam and it seems legit. The deposit wasn’t expensive so even if they did run off with that amount, I don’t see how they’d have made a profit at all. 
 

I’ve started reintroducing friendships into my life. Remember that friend who came over and completely overstayed her welcome? She came over again and I made sure to make an effort with her and make her feel welcome. She didn’t smoke my cigarettes this time as she said she’d quit for good. 
 

food wise… I’m trying to stick to a schedule but I keep missing meals. So today I skipped breakfast, lunch, then made a small bowl of pasta for dinner. 420 cals. I haven’t been gym in 3 days as I keep missing my alarm, and don’t like going during the day. But I’ve got the test shoot in two weeks so I NEED TO LOOK FUCKING AMAZING. Back to the gym tomorrow it is. 
 

sorry I haven’t updated in a few days. Really trying to pick myself back up from my spiral. I’ll be back to regular daily updates and weigh ins from tomorrow. I have a goal weight to hit after all. 
 

wish me luck on the final interview round tomorrow! I’ll let you know how it goes. Xx


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