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PWR 1200 Journey


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#41 Karlie93

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Posted 10 September 2021 - 05:03 PM

Weight: 64.9kg

breakfast: protein oatmeal with peanut butter

lunch: veg omelette 

dinner: baked salmon with sweet potato

snacks: pre workout, BCAA drink, protein shake and some popcorn

total intake: 1699 cals

exercise: PWR legs and abs (-322)

 

Notes: a higher cal day today. My meals and snack were fine and sat in the 1200 bracket, but it was the bag of popcorn that pushed me way over. I’m not mad about it I suppose. I mean, it could have been a proper binge purge situation, but I’m okay with slightly higher cals for a day. For now. Okay I’m a little annoyed that my weigh in won’t be perfect tomorrow. Speaking of weigh in, I’ve gained around 1kg but I suppose that’s also okay given how messy my life has been. I’m just annoyed at being stuck in the same weight range for so long. It’s my fault though. I haven’t been super consistent so what do I expect. 
 

I went to the gym as soon as I woke up. I didn’t do my run as I don’t want to run more than three times a week due to all the horror stories you hear about constant running wearing down joints and knees. I’ve done one with this week and will do two more over the weekend. I tried the preworkout. The package warned it would make your skin tingle which was a really weird sensation. I enjoyed the leg and Abs workout though. Got my squat and leg press back up to 50kg for 8-10reps which was awesome. 
 

I came home and napped. Woke up an hour before my third interview. The interview was a really mixed bag. I don’t think the interviewer liked me very much. He outright said after one of the questions “you don’t have to experience for this role. But we’ve hired people without experience before.” So It’s not looking too good. He said I’ll hear back in the next few days, so I’m hoping to hear back on Monday or Tuesday. It would honestly be life changing if I got this job as the pay would really make a difference to my life and I can finally stop asking my dad to help me out financially. I guess we’ll see what happens. 
 

Then I chilled with puppy, washed my hair because it was gross, and had dinner. At 7:30pm I met my dad to watch a screening of Joker on Paddington canal. It was cool as it was a floating cinema, and we sat on deckchairs and listened through headphones, and had popcorn. I enjoyed the film but my dad didn’t get it. When it finished he was like “so what was the plot?” I avoid cinemas as much as possible due to all the high cal snacks and food. This was the first time I’d gone in like 2 years, so I allowed the popcorn.

 

the guy I had the two dates with, let’s call him Eric, messaged me all day which was nice. He doesn’t live in London but works in London, so I’m not sure if I’ll see him over the weekend, or if it’ll be an after work thing next week. 
 

I’m not too sure what I’ll get up to over the weekend other than gym and puppy walks. I need to grocery shop as I’ve only got breakfast in the kitchen. 
 

Hope you’ve all had a nice Friday night xx 


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#42 Karlie93

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Posted 11 September 2021 - 05:30 PM

Weight: 64.9k(maintained)

breakfast: protein oatmeal with peanut butter

lunch: quinoa salad

dinner: burger with half a portion of fries

snacks: pre workout, BCAA drink, protein shake

total intake: ??? cals

exercise: PWR back and shoulders (-292) + HIIT Run (-294)

 

Notes: I maintained which is to be expected but annoyed. Dinner DID NOT go as planned which is SUPER annoying as I’m not killing myself at the gym to fucking maintain. I’ll explain. 
 

so woke up late, about 9:30 and hit the gym. REALLY didn’t want to run but I forced it. Felt really good after. Smashed through the back and shoulders workout, super enjoyed it. I had to accept that I’m not as strong as I think I am, and opted for 4kg dumbbells for some of the moves like front raise and side raises. Annoying, especially when you’re working out in a weight room full of bulky men.

 

Came home to messages from Eric asking if I wanted to meet later. I knew I’d be seeing my family in the afternoon so I agreed to meet him in the evening for dinner. I picked Bills to go to as I know they have good salads and would be safe. I made a reservation for 7pm. I had planned to cook protein pancakes for breakfast but I burnt them so ended up having porridge. I met my family with puppy at a park. This was around 4pm so I was starving. Picked up a quinoa salad as it seemed like the safest thing there. Walked around the park with puppy and my family then came back home to get dressed for my third date with Eric. 
 

I met him at the train station and went to Bills. We sat down and I pretended to look at the menu as if I hadn’t already planned to get the chicken ceaser salad. After a few moments, Eric goes “nothing on this menu is jumping out at me. Can we go somewhere else?” I was super confused. Bills has burgers, steak, pasta, salads, so I didn’t know what he was complaining about especially as he’d previously said he likes that sort of food. “Of course we can!” I replied. We left the restaurant, and stood outside debating where to go. He said he wanted burgers which confused me as bills had burgers. I found a burger place close by, and he was really happy with it. The only thing on their menu was fucking burgers. That was it. And they all came with fries. So I ordered a beef burger with fries. He ordered a double beef burger with fries. I took the top of the bun off, and ate the patty and the bottom bun. Then nibbled on a few fries and said I was full. He finished his burger, and fries, and ate some of my fries. 
 

then we left and he said he wanted a milkshake. I was SHIVERING as it was a cold night and I was in a mini dress. We went to five guys so he could get a milkshake. Then we walked back to mine. I mean I practically ran as it was freezing. We chilled in my flat, had sex, then he left to catch the last train. Also he told me today that he has two kids and is that a problem for me? I said it wasn’t but the truth it I don’t know. I’ve never dated someone with kids before and I don’t know what it means or how it’ll effect me. I’m still just pissed I couldn’t eat my salad. 
 

Anyway, now I’m curled up in bed with puppy. Exhausted. Praying I haven’t maintained again tomorrow. Even a small loss will be fine. Xx


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#43 Karlie93

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Posted 12 September 2021 - 12:50 PM

Weight: 64.5kg

breakfast: 2 soft boiled eggs

lunch: tuna and avocado bagel

dinner: prawn stir fry 

snacks: pre workout, BCAA drink, protein shake and skinny flat white

total intake: 1226 cals

exercise: PWR arms and abs (-288) + HIIT Run (-234)

 

Notes: YAY A LOSS. We’re back on track and losing again!!!!! I’m so happy. 
 

I went to the gym in the morning and once again REALLY didn’t want to the run. I actually considered quitting a few minutes in, but I forced it and stuck with it. Then I tackled arms and abs. I behaved with the weights and stuck to weights that were challenging even though they’re not particularly heavy (in the realm of 8-12.5kg). I took a photo of the arm pump afterwards and sent it to my mum who cussed me out saying I looked too bulky and like a man. My arms are actually pretty skinny, but after a workout and when I’m flexing, sure they’ll look toned. She wants me to look curvy, and feminine. NEVER. GOING. TO. HAPPEN. 

 

This is the picture in question: 

 

728699-C6-0655-4592-B9-EF-C072-A2-D6-E65
 

After gym, I did my grocery shopping for the week. Basically a lot of protein meats and veg. Once home, I realised having oats would push me over 1200 cals so I settled for half boiled eggs then took a looooonnnggg nap with puppy. I met my family to go to Starbucks, had an skinny flat white. My sister ordered a Frappuccino with cream, 5 cheese toastie, and muffin. I took puppy for a walk while they ate as it was difficult to sit and watch while they indulged. Then came home and had dinner. Now I’m chilling. 
 

Eric has been really quiet today. I wonder what’s up. If he’s no longer interested that’s fine by me, I wish he’d just let me know what’s going on. I might be overthinking it and he might just be busy. I probably am overthinking it. Idk. Idc. I find out if I got that job tomorrow, and to be honest that takes priority over everything. I need that fucking job. I’m so sick of being broke. Like I’m so broke, I might have to fast all of next week or something as I genuinely can’t afford to go groceries again. 
 

Im really tired. I was exhausted all day. I don’t know why. I’ve upped my intake ffs what more does my body want? Maybe it’s the weather, as it’s getting colder. But my brain feels heavy. I was suppose to record and publish a podcast episode today but I don’t have to energy. It’s only 7pm but I could fully go to sleep right now. 
 

anyway, I’m gonna go watch some Netflix or something. Fingers crossed for a low 64/high 63 weigh in tomorrow! Xx


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#44 Karlie93

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Posted 13 September 2021 - 11:16 AM

Hiiiiiiiii

 

i thought I’d update here early as I’m STILL FUCKING WAITING TO HEAR BACK ABOUT THE JOB. They said they’d let me know by the end of day today but it’s 5pm and I haven’t heard anything. It’s a Canadian company so god knows what time I’ll hear back. I’m updating to take my mind off it, and stop refreshing my emails. 
 

here’s my day. 
 

I woke up around 6am super thirsty and drank a water which meant there was no way I’d weigh in when I actually woke up at 8am as I was scared of the water weight. I decided to take a rest day and not gym, as I’d worked out 3 days in a row and honestly im exhausted. I had terrible nights sleep. I was hit with sleepy paralysis multiple times. It’s so scary I didn’t know what to do. Eventually it passed thank god.

 

I showered, and went to get a Hollywood wax. I usually have this wax once a month but I’d put it off as I was broke. My dad gave me some money over the weekend so I booked it in. Yesterday I realised how broke I was and tried cancelling it but they said I wouldn’t get a refund so I just went today. For breakfast I nibbled on some cookie dough bites, and threw the pack away. I met my parents and sister for lunch with puppy. They bought me a smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwich. There was no calorie information on the packet but it should have been around 400-500 cals. After that I went to the park to meet a high school friend I hadn’t met in YEARS. I desperately wanted to cancel as I’m so fucking tired and have a constant headache. I dreaded every second on the way there. It was better once I met her. We chilled and then after about an hour I made my excuses and left. 
 

at home, I emailed the company to ask when id hear back and they replied by end of day. Still waiting. Wait let me check me emails. Nope still nothing. I drafted a resignation letter to my manager handing in my once months notice, and asking to take the remainder of my leave over that one month so that I don’t have to go back. Obviously I haven’t sent it. It’s just sitting in my drafts. Apparently this is how manifestation work. 
 

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my medication. I don’t have the money to pay for my meds so I said that I’d pre-paid, knowing that they don’t check. They didn’t and I took my antidepressant, and mood stabilisers and left. I feel like a piece of shit. Who steals medicine? However I decided once I get paid I’ll go back to the pharmacy and tell them I made a mistake, and that I need to pay. 
 

my mum told me my roots have grown out too much and offered to lend me money to have them retouched. It’s because she throwing a religious event at her house on Sunday and wants me to look good for it. She asked me to book in the appointment for Saturday so that my hair is still fresh the next day. Fine by me. 
 

aaaaaand now I’m just waiting. I don’t even care if I don’t get the job anymore, there will be other jobs. I just need to know if it’s yes or no. Ugh. 
 

I’ll update you as soon as I hear. Please wish me luck.


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#45 Karlie93

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Posted 14 September 2021 - 01:38 PM

I hate my life. 
 

here we go. 
 

So wake up to POURING rain, like pelting. The skies are dark, it’s cold, and it’s hammering down. I go to make a coffe, but my coffee machine isn’t working. I try fix it but it just won’t produce any coffee. This has happened before and I took it get to repaired and the issue came back multiple times. It’s broken. I’ve had it for five years so I guess that makes sense. I keep checking my emails as the company hadn’t responded. No news. I can’t record my podcast as I’d missed the “quiet” slot. I live by a school and you can hear the school kids on the recording, so I always need to record around 7am before they get in. I’d missed that opportunity. My fault completely. 
 

my mum calls and I tell her about the broken coffee machine. She offers to lend me money to buy another one. Super sweet but it’s adding to my debts. I get paid, use the money on rent, bills and debts, then am broke again in like 2 days, have to borrow again, and the cycle repeats. Anyway, my parents pick me up and we go to a shopping centre. Oh - I have porridge for breakfast, and pasta for lunch, all within my cal limit. When I’m with my parents, I receive the email that I’ve been rejected from the job. No feedback, or comments, just that they’re moving forward with another candidate. I have to try really hard to control my tears, as this job was my ticket out of this shitty broke lifestyle. We pick up the coffee machine, then my dad treats us to a cafe. I order a double espresso, bottle of cola, and red velvet. I wanted the sugar rush to perk me up. It did the job. I wanted to keep eating as I knew I didn’t have binge food at home and couldn’t afford to order it, so when we went for my mum to pick up some groceries, I also picked up a box of sushi and crisps. 
 

I spoke to doctors and they extended my sick leave for another two weeks as I was due to start work again tomorrow. I feel like a fraud. I’m not though. I’m barely functioning. But the fact I got rejected plus got signed off from my current job makes me feel like I’m broken or something. 
 

I don’t know what to do. I’m so miserable, and stressed. Then there dieting. When I restrict I feel like shit. When I up my intake I feel like shit. When I eat “normally” I feel like shit. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m losing control of all aspects of my life. Like I’m spiralling majorly and don’t know how to fix it. I know I need to sort myself out I just don’t know how or where to start. I’m completely and utterly lost. 


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#46 Karlie93

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Posted 15 September 2021 - 04:24 PM

I don’t really want to discuss my intake today because I tried not to focus on restricting just for the sake of getting my mental health back on track. I didn’t binge or anything. I just ate “normally”??? Hated it. Not for me 

 

Anyway here’s what happened. 
 

My plan was to wake up and sort my shit out. Obviously I overslept and that didn’t happen. I took puppy out for a walk as I feel like I’d neglected him recently, (I haven’t but in my emotional distress, I feel like I could be giving him more attention). On the walk, his lead snapped and I panicked. He’s an Italian greyhound, they’re not supposed to be let off the lead as they get easily distracted and go running. Luckily he didn’t run, and I managed to catch him before he got onto the street. I carried him home. I made porridge breakfast. 
 

I took puppy and met family for a coffee. My dad was paying and my brain went into this panic mode - eat what you can now, as you’re broke and won’t be able to afford to eat later. It’s ridiculous. I have lunch at home. But I was gripped with this panic and fear that I needed to eat what I could on my dads card. So I ordered eggs royale and a brownie. NO ONE ELSE WAS EATING. Everyone else just ordered coffee. I can’t explain it, I’ve seen other people on this site talk about this where if they grow up without money, they end up hoarding food as they’re older - I don’t know if that’s what’s happening here. 
 

I cancelled my gym membership. Again due to financial reasons. I also cancelled the fitness apps I’m subscribed to - Sweat and Aaptive. I’m kinda sad as I enjoy exercising and home workouts aren’t the same. 
 

my friend who I fucked over with the podcast episode messaged me and asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner. I suggested a walk instead. She offered to pay and said it would be a treat. I didn’t really have an excuse anymore also I feel indebted to her for forgiving me for being a complete bitch so I went. She treated me to a three course meal. I DONT DESERVE HER IM SUCH A SHIT PERSON. 

 

Then I came home and tried sorting my life out. I have 3 goals. Here they are with notes:

 

1. Hit underweight BMI - restrict to 1000 cals, minimal exercise. End date 31st Oct. 
2. Move into a 1 bedroom flat - save up 50-100 a month to have enough for a deposit. Start looking for places in January 2022. 
3. Find a new job - apply to jobs every day. Update CV and cover letters. 
 

I made a more extensive document outlining things that could go wrong and binge triggers and how to combat and all of that, but this is a summary. 

Eric popped up a few times. He said he wants me to take him to dinner. I laughed in my head, and told him sometimes next week to get him off my back. He’s lovely, but I’m not EXCITED over him. I’m like oh, it’s Eric. 

 

I want to apologise to you for constantly struggling. I assume you’re reading this thread to see someone follow a diet and lose weight. I feel like you’ve watched me follow a diet and spiral into a mess. These entries have become less diet focused and more about me struggling in day to day. I hope I’m not wasting your time. 
 

We continue restricting. Xx


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#47 Karlie93

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Posted 17 September 2021 - 12:38 PM

Intake: 974

 

​Notes: I’m not doing a breakdown of my food anymore. I don’t see the point as I’m not following a specific diet. So it’ll just be the total intake, any exercise I do, and my weigh ins (when I stop feeling bloated and get back to weighing in). 
 

Today was okay. Took puppy out for a long walk, then met my parents for coffee. They offered to buy me lunch but I resisted as I had a tuna salad waiting for me at home. Mum had a cheese panini, and I was literally watching her eat trying not to drool as I was hungry and love paninis. Glad I resisted though. Then I came home and just chilled. Did a sketch on my iPad: 

D2-F6-CDE8-026-A-4827-B576-FACE3-DAB8-A4

 

Its of Billie Eilish at the Met Gala. I thought she looked stunning. 
 

I contacted that modelling place and asked for a refund of my deposit. I did some digging around them and a lot of people have bad experiences with them. They were REALLY rude, said they don’t want to work with someone who has my attitude, and acted like THEY were the ones firing me!!!! But they gave me back my deposit now I have to wait 3-5 working days for it to arrive and at least then I’ll have some money. 
 

I had dinner (chicken breast salad), and now I’m just chilling. Not particularly eventful. Oh, I uploaded a new episode of my podcast. This one isn’t a short story, but instead it’s my tips on getting inspired to write. Applicable to any form of writing. So give it a listen!! This is the Spotify link: https://open.spotify...Rpg&dl_branch=1

 

Also I really want to end things with Eric. He hasn’t seen me this week because he’s been busy with work. I don’t really have a reason to end it, other than I’m not excited about him, and I wonder if I’m sabotaging? As he’s really sweet and genuinely cares, and is treats me like how I’ve always wanted a guy to treat me. I am going on a date with a different guy I met on tinder…. Let’s call him Justin, tomorrow evening for drinks. I’ve already done the cal calculations so I’ll be fine. I guess I’ll see how things go with Justin, then make the decision on Eric? Is that mean? We haven’t said we’re exclusive, it’s only been three dates. Idk, I don’t want to hurt anyone. 
 

Anyway. I also desperately miss exercising but don’t have a gym membership anymore. I hate at home workouts, so I’m not sure what I’ll do. Maybe long walks? I don’t know, but my body is craving some form of movement. I think I’ll try a long walk in the early morning before puppy wakes up. 
 

That’s it from me. Speak soon Xx


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#48 Karlie93

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Posted 19 September 2021 - 08:18 AM

Updating early today as I have nothing going on at the moment and want to tell you yesterday’s update. Also puppy chewed through my USB C cable so I can’t charge my iPad or my MacBook which means I can’t upload any podcasts or format these posts or add photos as I’ve only got my phone.

Anyway, yesterday I took puppy on a super long walk to the park. I tired him out, then went to meet my cousin for coffee while he napped. After that, I went to get my hair done. I darkened the blonde shade, trimmed my bangs, and topped up my roots. The whole thing took 2 hours plus ½ an hour journey each way. But I feel refreshed and glamorous.

I got home and got ready for my date with Justin. I wanted to cancel SO BADLY. I was tired, and it was cold, and I just wanted to cuddle with puppy, and the venue was 45 mins away by bus. But I’ve been trying to find the right guy for so long, and we’ve been texting for 2 weeks so I thought let just see what happens. Got dressed, did make up, and got on a bus. I met him at a bar and I was quite nervous as I only had £20 in my account and didn’t know if we were gonna split the bill. He met me outside and was shorter than I expected. He was BANG ON my height and his legs were shorter than mine so his hips were lower than mine. I’m a bit picky with height as I’m quite tall (5’10/177cm). But I thought okay well he’s not shorter than me so let’s see how it goes.

He was very charming and very lovely. He went to the bar and bought a bottle of rose wine as he knew that’s what I drink. Poured a glass for me then him. Then we got chit chatting. He’s from Cyprus, 35, in a very well paid job in tech advertising. He has a bunny, cooks well, bakes well, dresses well, is very well spoken and could hold a conversation.

After about an hour and a half I said I needed to leave as if left puppy alone for three hours to do my hair, and had left him alone again for the date, and I he hates being alone. I explained this to him so that he wouldn’t think I was running out on him and was very kind about it. He asked if he could come visit to meet Gabe and continue the conversation and I said that wouldn’t be a good idea as my flat was a mess. He walked me to the bus stop, kissed me goodnight and I got on my bus.

Reached home and crashed from tiredness.

Today I feel cleaned the flat as it was disgusting. Let my sister for coffee and took puppy along for the walk. Then came home and chilled. I don’t know if you remember but I told you that my mum is throwing a religious gathering at the family house today. EVERY TIME she hosts one of these she gets MEGA stressed on the day and goes into “no one helps me clean, I do everything, I’m your slave” mode. Even though my sisters have been cleaning and helping since they woke up. One of my sisters met me for coffee because she needed to escape the house as my mum was being incredibly passive aggressive. Just now my sisters sent me messages saying that mum has sent them to their room and ordered them to stay there until the guests arrive… in 3 hours. My sisters are 19 and 21 and should not be treated like they’re 5. It’s ridiculous. They don’t stand up to her so she thinks this behaviour is okay. I’m making my appearance at 4 as the guests arrive at 4:30 and I don’t wanna spend any more time with her in this mood than I have to. It’s 2:17 now. Ugh. Luckily I won’t have to stay long as I can use puppy as an excuse to leave.

Anyway that’s yesterday and today’s update so far. I might update again and let you know how gathering goes. I haven’t bothered tracking my calories today as these events involve SO MUCH FOOD. Every single year I’ve tried to restrict at them, I end up binging and purging so I’m not even gonna bother today. I’ll purge what I can then take laxatives.

Speak soon Xx

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#49 Karlie93

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Posted 19 September 2021 - 03:54 PM

Update again:

I went to my parents house. Mum wasn’t happy with my outfit and made me change into a shirt I’d left behind when I moved out. My sisters were still stuck in their room. Mum was bitching about how unhelpful we’d all been to her friends who had arrived early. I chilled with my sisters, then guests started to arrive. One guest bought a platter of Arab pastries. Like mini flatbreads topped with meat or cheese or spinach. I ate SO MANY so quickly and then felt really sick. The main event - a lecturer who is hired to give religious talks - arrived, and gave her speech. My sisters and I were on our phones the entire time. The lectures are always super outdated and about things like how men and women shouldn’t mix unless it’s for marriage, or how music is forbidden or something.

After the lecture dinner was served - platters of chicken, rice, lamb, and baked aubergine in a super oily sauce. At the this point I was still feeling quite sick. I snuck into my parents room as it was off limits to guests, and used their bathroom to purge. No one noticed. I left, and had some chicken and lamb. Felt sick all over again but didn’t want to risk purging again.

Guests started to leave so I helped clean up. I started getting worried as it’d been 3 hours since I left puppy and I was in a rush to get back to him, but mum was piling up the chores. One of my aunts said she was leaving so I said I’d leave with her. Mum wasn’t happy about it but Idc I’m not gonna give my puppy separation anxiety because she’s projecting her stress into everyone. Plus my sisters and cousins were still helping out so she absolutely wasn’t alone.

Rushed home to find puppy had taken my clothes out of my dirty laundry basket and tried to put them in his bed. It was super cute but I felt super bad. So I’ve been giving him attention all evening. I took two laxatives (dulcalox) and sorted out my meal plan for the week. I have a birthday party on Saturday and the host is my height, and skinny. I’ve always been envious of her body, but recently I’ve slimmed down more than she has and I’ll be damned if I show up having gained.

Anyway, exhausted so going to head to bed. Still signed off work so at least I’ve got a free week thank fuck. Need to apply to jobs. Need to order a USB C cable as this mobile only life is hard Xx

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#50 Karlie93

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Posted 20 September 2021 - 02:10 PM

Still no charger. Still typing from my phone.

Woke up, drank an espresso then lazed around for a bit. Took puppy out on a walk then came home and made a breakfast of yoghurt and some blueberries and honey. It’s my dads birthday today so I met my family and had another espresso. Came home and decided I had to do a workout. I still have the SWEAT subscription until the 30th of September so started the PWR at home 0 equipment series. Did a 30 min upper body workout but my Fitbit needs charging so don’t know how many cals I burnt. Also this is my first time doing a workout at home since I got puppy 2 months ago. He went INSANE. Thought we were playing. Kept jumping over and under me, running around me, climbing on top of me, and getting in between my feet. I’ll save the workouts for when he’s asleep in the mornings tbh. Also the intensity wasn’t there. Don’t get me wrong it was challenging but body weight workouts are so much more different than gym based strength training. At least I’m moving. I had planned on having a salad for dinner but ended up having 4 mini chocolate rolls because I couldn’t be bothered to cook the salad. I chilled then met my family for dads birthday dinner.

We went to a Persian restaurant which is triggering as they NEVER have safe food. I ended up getting 2 mince meat skewers with salad. MFP said the cals were about 500-600 but I’m not sure I trust it hence there’s no cal round up at the top of this post.

I also made a TikTok. I know ED tiktoks are shit on in this community but I thought I’d see what it’s like anyway. So far it’s fine. I’m only posting what I eat in a day videos, weigh ins and body checks so feel free to follow @bornskinnyb1tch93. The name is from a black pink song. I’m far from being a born skinny bitch.

I need to apply for jobs. My charger should arrive tomorrow so hopefully if it comes in the morning I’ll spend the day doing that.

Otherwise speak to you tomorrow! Xx
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#51 Karlie93

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Posted 22 September 2021 - 02:54 AM

Yesterday update 

 

woke up late, had breakfast of two eggs and an orange, then applied to jobs. So many jobs. Please let something come out of it. 
 

Took puppy on a long walk with my dad. We talked about everything and I told him how stressed my financial situation was making me. He didn’t offer anything by way of advice or comfort, just said I shouldn’t have gotten puppy if I was broke. But I was broke before puppy so it hasn’t made a difference to be honest. My refund from the modelling agency came through so I bought two packs of cigarettes. When I got home, I made a salad and defrosted a pork steak thing for dinner. 
 

I ended up messaging Justin and asked if he wanted to meet. He said let’s go to the park when he’s done with work. So I got dressed, did my hair and makeup and met him with puppy at Hyde Park. We took a walk and chatted, then went to a fancy pub in Knightsbridge. I was worried as he’d paid last time and I had £34 left in my account, so figured it would be enough for a bottle of wine on me this time, however he insisted on paying again. Given that I’d only had a salad hours ago, I got tipsy and ended up telling him about my ED. However the version I told him was that I’m basically in recovery but still adopt some ED behaviours. He was really sweet and understanding. He wanted us to get dinner and I said no I already had food at home - I really didn’t want to mess up my intake. We continued drinking, and again he brought up eating so I caved. We had burgers and chips. I fed some of it to puppy, and left a lot of the bread. Around 9:30pm we decided to leave. The bill came and I offered to split it. I ended up paying £32 so it was just on the edge of what was in my account. So now I have £2 left until payday on Friday. It’ll be fine, I’ll manage. 
 

got home quite tipsy, then my friend texted to say that his dad died of covid. So I was on the phone to him, for a lot of the night. He said he wants to visit and will probably try to come over today and bring some drinks. WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO INVOLVE FOOD AND ALCOHOL?!?!?!? But he’s mourning so I won’t be a bitch and I’ll let him bring drinks if that’s what he wants. 
 

And yeah that was yesterday. Praying for a decent food day today as it’s been non stop events. Mums gathering on Sunday. Dads birthday on Monday. Date night yesterday. I just want to get back into the grove of a good diet. 


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#52 Karlie93

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Posted 22 September 2021 - 12:39 PM

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Exercise - PWR at home Lower Body work out (-272)

 

Today was quiet to be honest. Got my workout in while puppy slept in the morning. Made breakfast of blueberries and yoghurt. Chilled with a double espresso. I don’t know if you remember, but I had that friend who I took to my gym for a spa day and she was all about her boyfriend and I wasn’t impressed and bitched about it to you? So I met up with her today for a puppy walk. She wanted to go to a cafe so we did. She ordered a smoothie and a pack of crisps. I didn’t order anything. She went on about how much money she has despite not having a job, all the money she’d spent on ASOS, the new £100 a month gym she’d joined, the facial treatments she was getting, the hair treatments she was getting. Im not jealous - It’s just difficult to listen to that kind of talk when you’ve got £2 in your bank account. She’s also applying for jobs. Getting loads of interview. Then turning down offers because either she didn’t like the interviewer, or the money isn’t enough. I think she was overpaid at her last job, as they let her go because she want bringing in the results they wanted. So I think she’ll struggle to find something that will pay the same amount (almost double my salary). But hey maybe she will find something, who knows. Best of luck to her. But again it’s difficult to listen to her talk about turning down job roles and salaries that I would accept in a heartbeat. TLDR I didn’t have a good time, and it put me in a weird headspace. 

ALSO while we were in the cafe, that guy I was dating - the one who was older, and came over to my flat and bought me cake and baklava, then ghosted me… walked right past. I literally felt sick. He didn’t glance my way though. Probably saw me from a distance and avoided me. Or didn’t notice. Dickhead. 
 

I went home and made a tuna salad, then applied for more jobs. Justin kept asking for my podcast link on Spotify. I was feeling super self conscious about it but I sent it to him anyway. I really need to end things with Eric. It’s been over a week since I’ve seen him and he hasn’t made any effort to try to see me. 
 

I made dinner - pork loin (?) with steamed veg. Eating is becoming difficult because of puppy. He likes to eat when I eat, and also what I eat. I give him his own dog food, but he ignores it and jumps up and barks at me to give him from mine. So he eat like ⅓ of the tuna from my salad, and half the pork loin. It’s annoying as I’m usually really hungry and really look forward to my meals. I dont want to share hahaha. Plus the portions are small. I end up eating really fast just to stop him jumping. If anyone has any tips on how to train this kind of behaviour so that he eats his own food, please let me know. 
 

annnnd that’s it. I’ve got a quiet next few days but the weekend is gonna be intense. One of my friends has invited me to her house (she lives in a different city) to spend the day at hers for her birthday, and partake in a BBQ. Luckily I don’t like BBQ food, so I’ll just sip my wine and have a slice of cake. On Sunday one of my friends wants to go to a bottomless brunch, then Justin has invited me to a roast pub dinner. Monday is another friends birthday meal. I’m genuinely anxious about how I’m gonna handle it. I don’t want to be running from dinner table to bathroom to purge everything. Ugh, I might have to. We’ll see how it goes. I’ll focus on my diet for the next few days so at least I look somewhat thinner for these events. Again, if anyone has any idea how I should navigate this, please let me know. 
 

Talk soon xx


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#53 Karlie93

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Posted 23 September 2021 - 12:42 PM

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Exercise: PWR at home full body workout (-284 cals)

 

​Notes: another chill one today. 
 

Did my workout while puppy was asleep. Justin offered to go through my CV with me and give me pointers as he works in advertising and has his own team, so he’s hired people before and knows what to look for in a CV. We decided we’d sit down together and go through it on Tuesday as we’re having roast dinner on Sunday and he’s with his family until then. I basically chilled the morning away. Had breakfast of two eggs and an orange, then a tuna salad for lunch. Im aware my intake it very basic and boring but I have to work with what I have in the fridge. I get paid tomorrow so I’ll do a big grocery shop of more exciting food soon. 
 

Around 3pm I took puppy for a walk to the park with my mum and sister. He was having a great time until this MASSIVE dog who wasn’t on a leash ran up to him. His owner assured me he was friendly and just wanted to play so him and puppy started playing. Except then the big dog gets boisterous and starts jumping on puppy and trying to bite his neck. My puppy is an Italian greyhound so they’re known for having fragile bones. I didn’t know what to do as I couldn’t get in between them, and they were running around me so I was tangled up in the leash. Puppy started yelping so the dogs owner finally came in and grabbed her dog by the collar and pulled him away. I was so shaken. That dog could have snapped puppy’s neck in a second. I was shaken all the way home. Puppy was absolutely fine thank god. The park has MULTIPLE signs saying keep your dogs on a leash so I hate it when people at the park take their dogs off. I’ve calmed down now, and puppy’s asleep. I’m not letting him near big dogs again unless I know the dog, and know he’s safe. Even small dogs I’m going to be cautious. Ugh. 
 

Back home, I made grilled salmon and steamed veg for dinner. I decided to make an extra salmon fillet for puppy to stop him jumping up at my food, and so he’ll have his own of whatever I’m having. It worked well, so I think I’ll just cook for two from now on. 
 

I keep drafting the “I’m not interested anymore” text to Eric but haven’t written or sent it yet. It’s not mean to do this over text as we literally only had three dates and have never had a phone call for me to bring it up over the phone. We barely even text anymore. Maybe he’ll end it first. Fingers crossed. 
 

Tomorrow is the calm before the storm that is my 3 days of birthday celebrations, friend catch ups, and date night. I’m so fucking nervous about it. I’m back to work again on Tuesday and I’m pretending like it’s not happening as if I think about it too much I want to cry. 
 

Anyway, hope you’ve all had a good day and speak tomorrow! 

 

EF9-CE405-B48-D-4033-9112-E39-D5440-EA0-


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#54 Karlie93

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Posted 26 September 2021 - 07:30 AM

Half way through this messy weekend of dining out. Thought I’d drop an update. 
 

Let’s start with Friday. 
 

Met a friend at 8am as she has two small dogs and we took them and puppy for a walk around Hyde Park. He had a really good time, and so did I catching up with my friend. Then Justin messaged me to ask if I was free that evening for him to come over to mine for drinks. I said yes. I met my parents for a coffee, and took puppy for another walk, then got back home and cleaned the flat, showered and got ready for my date. Eric messaged to ask if I was still interested in him, as I’d been quiet. I SHOULD have replied no I’m not let’s end it. But I felt awkward and replied sorry I’ve just been busy. 
 

Justin came over and we drank loads, he played with puppy, then we had sex. The sex was ACTUALLY good. Usually when I have sex it’s all about the guy, except Justin was trying to make sure I was enjoying myself, and kept asking what I liked and was really into making me happy. Which is a MASSIVE change from the douchebags I usually date. Then we ordered pizza and watched Parks and Rec. he left at midnight. 
 

Saturday. 
My friend called me at 8am to make sure I was still coming to her town for her birthday. Which I was. I packed, got dressed, took puppy and met another friend who was driving us to the next town. It was a 2 hour trip and we chatted the whole way while puppy slept on my lap. At my friends house, I had a really uncomfortable time. Her whole family was there and I had my eye on puppy the whole time as he gets really excitable in new environments. He peed on their carpet and I almost died. I couldn’t partake in any games or help with anything as I was on puppy watch the whole time. We had a BBQ and I kept puppy on a leash in case he escaped the garden. Then around 9pm I left by train, got home two hours later as all the trains were cancelled and was EXHAUSTED. 
 

I made a Waitrose order of safe foods for the next two weeks which will be arriving tomorrow. I’ve still got one event left. A birthday dinner tomorrow. I can’t wait till all these events are over. I can’t wait to get back to the gym tomorrow. I’m so exhausted and fat and uncomfortable. 


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#55 Karlie93

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Posted 27 September 2021 - 04:06 PM

ITS OVER 

 

MY WEEKEND OF ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT IS OVER. IM SO FUCKING RELIEVED. I SWEAR I COULD JUMP ON A MONTH LONG FAST I FEEL SO SHITTY. 

 

 I don’t even know where to start. 
 

I think I forgot to tell you but I broke things off with Eric. At my friends birthday I sent him a text that read something like “we haven’t seen each other in over two weeks. The initial excitement and chemistry is gone. I had a great time, and wish you the best.” Then blocked him before he could reply. Feel better, but also guilty as I’ve never done anything like that before but I tried to be as nice as possible. 
 

Yesterday the plan was bottomless brunch. My friend cancelled on me half an hour before the booking. Great, right? Nope. I had put a non refundable deposit to secure our booking so I couldn’t not show up. I went with a different friend. Ate a tonne, drank a tonne. Took laxatives in the evening which was stupid as I knew I had another birthday event today so it was kinda pointless. 
 

today I spent the morning in the toilet with stomach cramps from period and the laxatives. The weather was grey rainy and put me in a mood. Funnily enough puppy also had diarrhoea and threw up a bit. I think he was just confused by the weather shift. I tried to eat well all day but I kept thinking “what for? I’m going to a diner for a birthday dinner”. I did alright I guess. Ate pretty much below 800, until I was at the diner and BINGED. 
 

When I got home I decided to check my bank account. Somehow I only have £175 left for the entire month of October. I fucking hate birthdays. I tried to take out (another) loan but got rejected. And a credit card and got rejected. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m supposed to pay back £150 tomorrow for my current loan, but I’m going to have to call the bank tomorrow and see if they can push it back or what my options are as I can’t afford it. I’m so stressed and anxious about my constant financial struggles. It’s like, I get paid and end up spending most of my money on shit I don’t want to. Like birthdays. Restaurants. Drinks. 
 

I’m back at the gym tomorrow so at least that’s something. I’m going to renew my Sweat membership as it’s a priority, but I’m not going to renew my Aaptiv one. Instead of treadmill runs with Aaptiv, I’ll just go for long 1 hour park walks for my cardio. It’s free. 

 

I’ve got work tomorrow for the first time in a month. I’m trying so damn hard not to have an attitude about it. Just log on, do my job, log off. It’s not hard. It’ll keep me occupied. It’s a tiny team so I don’t even have to socialise. 

honestly I feel like I’m at the bottom of a pit and every time I try to climb out, I fall further in.

 

here’s a picture of puppy to lighten the mood

 

053-D0174-ECA7-4620-BF55-A8-B172-AFCE6-B
 


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#56 Karlie93

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Posted 29 September 2021 - 06:52 AM

This is yesterday’s update. 
 

i finally went back to the gym and did a PWR workout chest and triceps. It felt soooooo good! Then I went on a 5km walk through the park. Bloody fantastic to be moving my body again. I got back home just in time for my first meeting at work. My manager assigned me some tasks for a project I’m working on. She said she’ll check in with me next week to see how I’m getting on so obviously I haven’t done any of it, and will rush to get everything in last second because I’m that kinda messy. I had breakfast of yoghurt and blueberries. 
 

For lunch I a sea bass fillet with half an avocado and leafy salad. I had a date with Justin planned for 8pm and I was so excited all day. I really like him. But I was annoyed I was on my period as he really turns me on. Anyway, the work day went on and I didn’t do much. After work, I cleaned the flat and got ready for the date. We were going to a mini golf course.

 

justin was about 20 mins late because his train was cancelled so he had to get an Uber which took longer. We drank and played golf. Then he took me to a Persian restaurant and we shared some dishes. I took an Uber home just after midnight and fell asleep with all my makeup on as I was so tired. I won’t lie, I got quite tipsy as I had lunch at 1pm and we didn’t have dinner until around 11pm. I apologised for it this morning but he laughed about it. 
 

I haven’t weighed in in a very long time and I’m so scared to check. I don’t feel thin. My stomach bulges all the time, and I’m always bloated. I know why, I’ve been socialising too much and eating like shit. Laxatives can’t save me. Purging can’t save me. I don’t have any socialising planned anymore and I want to keep it that way. I want to shrink ffs. I hate this struggle. I hate it so much. 


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#57 Karlie93

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Posted 29 September 2021 - 01:54 PM

I wasn’t going to update today as I did NOTHING apart from turn on my work laptop and pretend I was online, go gym, and take puppy for a walk. I’ve literally been in bed all day. And now I’m having one of THOSE evenings. I didn’t know who to talk to about it so I’ve come here.

 

I feel like there are alarm bells ringing in my head going YOURE FAT YOURE FAT YOURE FAT. I’m worried Justin won’t be interested in me if I stay this size, and will like me more if I lose weight. Which I know is stupid but that’s what’s in my head. I’ve looked at MyFitnessPal and cut down my calories for the of the week, as a quick fix. I’m worried I’m boring my puppy to death. I don’t know if it’s the shift in weather as it’s gotten SO MUCH COLDER, but he’s sleeping more than usual through the day. I’m worried someone at work will catch on to how unproductive I am and they’ll fire me. I’m worried I’ll never find a new job. I’m worried I’m ageing but not progressing in my life. I mean how different is my life now from last year? Same job. Same ED. Same thoughts. Same behaviours and patterns. 
 

A few friends want to meet up this week but I brushed them off. I also told Justin I’m busy for the rest of the week. I can’t see anyone until I’ve lost some weight. I can’t afford to financially anyway. I can’t keep dining out and hoping I’ll just magically become skinny. 
 

Honestly I just want to waste away. If I didn’t have puppy I would have pulled the plug already. It’s not even about looking good anymore. I hate myself and I want to starve to destroy myself. It’s self harm I guess. 
 

Im going to resume posting daily weigh ins, cals and intake. Tbh I only stopped because I was embarrassed about maintaining and gaining. I’m gonna bite the bullet and weigh in tomorrow. Even if I’m fucking 80kg it’s fine. I’ll deal with it.


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#58 Karlie93

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Posted 30 September 2021 - 11:55 AM

It’s 17:46 and I’m considering calling it a day and going to sleep. 
 

I LITERALLY DRAGGED myself to the gym in the morning to do back and shoulders. DRAGGED. MYSELF. It was cold and rainy and I was so fucking tired and not in the mood. Plus the gym was busy but I smashed the workout and forgot to turn on my Fitbit so don’t know how many cals I lost. 
 

I started work half an hour late. And by started work, I mean I turned my laptop on and sent a good morning message. Then I proceeded to do absolutely nothing. I had planned on taking puppy for a walk but he was sleeping all morning and afternoon and it was rainy and super windy and cold. So I sat in my flat with the work laptop on and did nothing and felt depressed. I had porridge for breakfast, and smoked salmon with low fat cream cheese on a slice of rye bread for lunch. 
 

as the day got on I spiralled more and more into a depressive state. A friend asked to come over and check on me and I said no. Another friend asked to go out. I said no. I looked for things to make me feel better. I took a shower and washed my hair for the first time in a week. Blow dried it pretty. Felt good for about 5 seconds. I searched for jobs, found one I liked and applied to it. Then couldn’t bear searching anymore and stopped. 
 

I thought about things that make me feel good even just in the moment. I bought a bottle of wine and some crisps for “dinner”. I purged the crisps and I’m still sipping on the wine. I plan to drink the whole bottle this evening so that hopefully I crash early and just go to sleep. I’d planned a chicken salad for dinner, but I’ll, save it for tomorrow. Wine and crisps purged are enough for tonight. 
 

I just don’t understand myself. I spiralled like this the first time because I was restricting. Well I’ve just come off like a 5 day binge series, so why am I spiralling again???? I honestly don’t know what to do with myself at all. Like at all. Also my weight today was 66.4kg. Not the 80kg I was expecting so there’s that. I’ll weigh in again tomorrow and pray that the wine flushed out some water weight. 


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#59 Karlie93

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Posted 02 October 2021 - 02:23 PM

Weigh in: 65.3kg

Breakfast: protein bar

Lunch: Starbucks Mac and cheese

Dinner: sea bass with a side salad

total intake: 1330 cal

 

​Notes: this is yesterday and today’s update. 
 

yesterday. 
 

I ACTUALLY did some work. Not much but some. I spent about 3 hours trying to fix a VLOOKUP formula with no luck. BUT AT LEAST I WAS USING MY BRAIN. Oh my god, it felt so good to feel like I was DOING something. I also took puppy out for a walk in the morning with his new winter coat that’s too big for him. I can’t be bothered to return it, and I’m sure he’ll grow into it. I had porridge for breakfast, and avocado toast for lunch. Around 3pm I got very…. Itchy. I had no plans and it was Friday night. As I’d told you I’d cancelled on everyone who tried with me. So I hit up Justin. Asked him if he wanted to go out. He said he had plans with his friends but that he would cancel on them to see me. Obvs I was over the moon. So I got all dressed up and did my make up, which I was very happy with so here’s a photo: 


B8-CAC025-9037-4-FE2-B446-EC35-A7603-BDB

 

You can’t see it, but I’m wearing a short white dress underneath. 
 

I met him at a bar by Tottenham Court Road at 8pm. The bar was beautiful but way too loud as people were playing darts. I wanted to play but they didn’t have any spaces. Once again her highness drank too much too fast and were he didn’t get tipsy, and i was asking stupid questions and making dumb comments. After drinks, we walked around soho then went to my favourite steak place for an 11pm dinner. I didn’t finish my steak and chips as I was full from the wine. Then we went back to mine. Nothing sexual happened as I’m on my period and puppy was super excited to see Justin again so we just chilled in bed until he took an Uber home at about 1am. 
 

Today

 

i didn’t want to weigh in this morning as I was sure I’d gained, but I was pleasantly surprised. It motivated me to keep going. I decided to invite Justin to my flat for a home cooked meal (I can’t cook), drinks, games and a movie on Wednesday. I contacted my dog sitter who said she was happy to keep puppy overnight. Then I ordered an olive slip satin dress from Urban Outiftters using Klarna (as I’m a broke bitch). Justin said he’d be happy to come and offered to bring drinks. then I met my family in Westfield for coffee and ended up getting Mac and cheese from Starbucks as I was starving. My dad said I’d lost weight. I said I haven’t - I just look thinner because I’m in a baggy jumper and skinny jeans. I came home, chilled with puppy, made dinner, and watched some thinspo on YouTube. 
 

I just want to say - sorry if my talk about Justin is annoying. I’ve had ONE boyfriend my whole life and that lasted 2 months. I’m 27. Every guy I’ve dated has been incompatible, or a douche bag, or used me for something. My issue is I get too excited too early, put in tonnes of effort, only to get fucked and left behind. I’m trying to be cautious with Justin but he’s paying for meals, buying me expensive drinks, telling me I’m beautiful, laughing at my mistakes, and he SEEMS to genuinely enjoy my company. It’s different. I’m trying hard to be cautious and not get carried away as I’m sure this one will hurt. 
 

Anyway that’s it from me. I really hope to be in the 63s by Wednesday. It’s doable I just need to stick to it. Will update you tomorrow. Xx

 


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#60 Karlie93

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Posted 03 October 2021 - 12:49 PM

Weigh in: 65.3kg

Breakfast: skipped

Lunch: Tuna and avocado on rye bread

Dinner: Turkey breast with a side salad

snack: protein bar, Korean grains 

total intake: 1151 cal

 

notes: Maintained. Oh well. I know my BMR is 1.4 and I did 1.3 yesterday so it’s to be expected I guess. Did better today. 
 

I spent the morning drinking black coffees in bed with puppy as I wanted to skip breakfast. Had three black coffees. They’re disgusting but I’m used to the taste now. I met my dad and we took puppy on a really long walk bless him. He did really well and was racing when he recognised the route home. We stopped to rest half way and get a coffee (again). I had lunch, then around 3pm got really hungry so had a protein bar. Except that didn’t do much. So the Korean grains I was supposed to have for dinner, I ate as a snack instead. 
 

I was supposed to meet a friend for yet another coffee but it started raining so we cancelled. I’ve honestly just been chilling in the flat all day. Dinner time came around and I cooked Turkey breast with steamed veg. Except the Turkey breast ended up burnt so puppy ate it, (it was THAT bad, just really tough so not nice to eat), and I just had the steamed veg. I felt really sick afterwards and threw up. Turns out the veg was expired. Part of me is happy as it means less food for me today. The other part is annoyed as I’m still hungry and dinner was shit. Oh well. 
 

tomorrow is Monday which means work. On Tuesday I have a meeting with my manager to go over what I’ve done across the week - the tasks she assigned to me. I haven’t touched them at all so will spend tomorrow cramming them in. I’m relieved as it’ll mean I’ll have something to do and be kept busy. 
 

That’s it from me. Really quiet one. Speak tomorrow xx 


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