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anyone still single ? ... or divorced, or no kids ... ?


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#1 Blackdream

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Posted 18 August 2021 - 10:45 PM

or something that is not the typical happy fairy tale type ? 

I am really struggling with this at the moment ... 

I would really love to hear about how you feel about that.
good aspects, bad aspects ... your lost battle and your victories 


thank you :3


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#2 Irreverent Parrot

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Posted 19 August 2021 - 05:42 AM

Single forever, I reckon :) I identify as lesbian (grey) asexual, as well as aromantic, and I'm fine with not being in a relationship.  Plus I don't think I could live closely with anyone else now after living alone for so many years.

 

When I was young I tried to do relationships, because I thought you were supposed to, and because people asked (two men, one woman), but I was very relieved to discover information on asexuality, and that it's perfectly valid not to want relationships or even sex.

 

I'm not saying it's never lonely, that's the one thing that can be hard.  Not having that automatic support person in your life.  But I am very careful, ongoing, to have meaningful activities in my week.

 

Also very glad to have never had to raise kids.  I'm pretty sure I'd not have been a good mother, as I just get too destabilised too easily, and I can't cope with noise at home.

 

I'm autistic, so none of this tends to surprise people, but it's a shame really that people don't see being asexual and aromantic as a valid lifestyle when there isn't any big neurological reason.


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#3 Blackdream

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Posted 19 August 2021 - 08:14 AM

I have friends who are single too.
I guess as hormones and/or raising traditions it's more expected to be in a relationship at one point.

Also loneliness is a reality. It's true that to have a healthy relationship it's also important to be able to go along well with yourself.
But we are social animals very probably so being lonely is not always easy.

Asexuality starts to be a bit understood I think ...

You never had doubt about family and/or kids ?
If it's okay for you to talk about it I mean  ...

.


I wanna STRETCH AND SLUMP on the guy next to me !!!

 

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#4 OOnaOwl

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Posted 20 August 2021 - 06:37 PM

My life is much more like a dark fairy tale....

I have never wanted children & always dated ne'er do well artistic types.

Never been married or pregnant!  Bisexual but haven't dated a woman since the 80's (but not for lack of trying, bi-erasure is REAL).

I have a male domestic partner for past 6 years, we've been friends since the 80's too.  We are both artistic types that don't fit in

anywhere and never have.  I think we are both on the spectrum somewhere, but no one was diagnosing that when we were younger.

We moved to a mid-sized city right before the pandemic struck and have made no friends. 

I always thought I would be a creepy old spinster, but right now it looks like that won't happen unless he dies before me (which is more likely

anyway given common odds). 

I was a nanny for a friend a few years back, it was a lovely experience but only cemented my permanent choice to not bear children.

Almost none of my friends in the big city we moved away from have kids, they are all artists too.

The suburbs we moved to are almost all traditional families, we are super square pegs here!


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#5 Blackdream

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Posted 20 August 2021 - 08:23 PM

I was a nanny for a friend a few years back, it was a lovely experience but only cemented my permanent choice to not bear children.
Almost none of my friends in the big city we moved away from have kids, they are all artists too.
The suburbs we moved to are almost all traditional families, we are super square pegs here!


Hello,

Thanks a lot for sharing your story with me.
It really helps me to talk about those subjects and hear different story and point of vue.

People around me are all settled ... I feel lonely and like a weirdo recently ... I was fine until recently but things happens ...
But the women around me are housewives with pretty regular life. Of course we never know if it’s what it looks like behind closed door ... but when I tried to talk to them they apparently really don’t have any idea about what it is to worry to not be able to pay the rent, to lose a job, look for a job and meanwhile failing at having a romantic life.
Of course it’s not their fault but the few times I tried to talk to them I got a : oh ! It’s because you don’t send the good vibes to the universe ! Probably something in you attract this !

.... thanks ~_~

Or a ... you shouldn’t worried ! Money comes and goes ...

.... which is true but I doubt my landlord will accept this as a payment method

They aren’t bad persons but just clueless of those worries.
Good for her sure ..:
But that leaves me alone with my reflections.

So thank you ! :)

I wanna STRETCH AND SLUMP on the guy next to me !!!

 

lovemyself.jpg


#6 OOnaOwl

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Posted 20 August 2021 - 09:17 PM

Hello,

Thanks a lot for sharing your story with me.
It really helps me to talk about those subjects and hear different story and point of vue.

People around me are all settled ... I feel lonely and like a weirdo recently ... I was fine until recently but things happens ...
But the women around me are housewives with pretty regular life. Of course we never know if it’s what it looks like behind closed door ... but when I tried to talk to them they apparently really don’t have any idea about what it is to worry to not be able to pay the rent, to lose a job, look for a job and meanwhile failing at having a romantic life.
Of course it’s not their fault but the few times I tried to talk to them I got a : oh ! It’s because you don’t send the good vibes to the universe ! Probably something in you attract this !

.... thanks ~_~

Or a ... you shouldn’t worried ! Money comes and goes ...

.... which is true but I doubt my landlord will accept this as a payment method

They aren’t bad persons but just clueless of those worries.
Good for her sure ..:
But that leaves me alone with my reflections.

So thank you ! :)

Oh wow, yes it sounds like they have little to no personal experience with the

challenges of an independent life, including periods of instability & various forms of loss & upheaval, etc.

They are blissfully ignorant!  I have some friends like that too-ones that have had the same

spouse for decades, and/or the same job since college etc.  I can't even imagine! 

So they can't understand your maverick path, but there are those who can out there (such as myself).

Glad to be a friendly voice in the aethyrs for you.


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#7 OOnaOwl

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Posted 20 August 2021 - 09:22 PM

Hello,

Thanks a lot for sharing your story with me.
It really helps me to talk about those subjects and hear different story and point of vue.

People around me are all settled ... I feel lonely and like a weirdo recently ... I was fine until recently but things happens ...
But the women around me are housewives with pretty regular life. Of course we never know if it’s what it looks like behind closed door ... but when I tried to talk to them they apparently really don’t have any idea about what it is to worry to not be able to pay the rent, to lose a job, look for a job and meanwhile failing at having a romantic life.
Of course it’s not their fault but the few times I tried to talk to them I got a : oh ! It’s because you don’t send the good vibes to the universe ! Probably something in you attract this !

.... thanks ~_~

Or a ... you shouldn’t worried ! Money comes and goes ...

.... which is true but I doubt my landlord will accept this as a payment method

They aren’t bad persons but just clueless of those worries.
Good for her sure ..:
But that leaves me alone with my reflections.

So thank you ! :)

Also adding that I lost nearly everything 6 years ago- everything but my very life that is.

My house, livelihood, relationship, place of residence, health & identity.  I am just now

getting my health back, so now must claw my way back to the rest of basics somehow. Hook

or crook!  Life can be cruel, but also so very beautiful!  I am so much stronger & wiser for these hardships

experienced.  I am grateful for life & all it's strangeness (and certainly we can all attest that

it is here in 2021).  I hope you find some local kindred spirits to connect with.


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#8 Irreverent Parrot

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Posted 21 August 2021 - 03:01 AM


Asexuality starts to be a bit understood I think ...

You never had doubt about family and/or kids ?
If it's okay for you to talk about it I mean  ...

.

 

 

"Starts to be understood" tends to mean younger generations understand it as a valid choice, but often not older people, my parents' generation for example.  I mean a generation who struggle to get their heads around gay marriage, and who really don't get the whole trans/non-binary thing either.

 

I was relieved to discover asexuality in part because no, I never wanted my own family/kids, but I thought that was what you did.  That was how life was going to go. Thankfully the only person who was considering marrying me was someone I was "seeing" when I knew I was way too young to settle down and do all that.  I was 19, but he was 28, so he was kinda in a bit of a hurry to have a family.  Thankfully he did eventually, with someone else, and I'm very happy for him.

 

I had hoped I'd be involved in the upbringing of my niece and nephew, but unfortunately that didn't happen.  My sister got very nasty with me when my nephew was about 15 months old, and when I tried to contact her after that she just never responded.  So now my nephew is probably 16, my niece 14/15, and I don't know them at all. Plus they all live in northern Ireland now anyway.



#9 Blackdream

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Posted 21 August 2021 - 03:04 AM

Also adding that I lost nearly everything 6 years ago- everything but my very life that is.

My house, livelihood, relationship, place of residence, health & identity.  I am just now

getting my health back, so now must claw my way back to the rest of basics somehow. Hook

or crook!  Life can be cruel, but also so very beautiful!  I am so much stronger & wiser for these hardships

experienced.  I am grateful for life & all it's strangeness (and certainly we can all attest that

it is here in 2021).  I hope you find some local kindred spirits to connect with.

Sounds like you are someone very strong and with a great strong sens of hope or an even stronger faith.
I am ... still quite healthy ... I mean if we don't count the fact that I sleep 3h / night nd the heartbeats speeding up randomly ...
I think my body is still strong.
But yes ... I guess you know better what it is to lose job, home, relationship and being away from all your kinds (because of covid)
it requires a great will to think it's still worth the fight.
you must really be someone very unique.

Thanks a lot again for your light ! 


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#10 dissolve

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Posted 25 August 2021 - 07:41 AM

Widowed almost 8 years now. Finished raising our kids on my own. They're all in their 20s and busy living their lives now.



#11 Blackdream

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Posted 25 August 2021 - 09:19 PM

Widowed almost 8 years now. Finished raising our kids on my own. They're all in their 20s and busy living their lives now.


Hey ... thanks for your answer and sorry that you lost your husband. How is it now for you ? With kids being grown up ... and therefor having this time you spent raising them, now available ?

I wanna STRETCH AND SLUMP on the guy next to me !!!

 

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#12 dissolve

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Posted 27 August 2021 - 03:55 AM

Hey ... thanks for your answer and sorry that you lost your husband. How is it now for you ? With kids being grown up ... and therefor having this time you spent raising them, now available ?

 

I don't know...this isn't the life I thought I'd be living. Even though we always knew that his life expectancy was lower than average. Somehow I kind of never really thought deeply about what it would be like without him. I scared myself with it, but didn't plan for it. 

 

Which was smart, I now realise, because the most scared I made myself about it was NOTHING compared to how excruciating and hard it's been.

 

Nearly 8 years on...I live on my own (well, four furbabies) in the house we raised our kids in, I see two of the kids fairly regularly when things aren't Covid-crazy or otherwise disrupted, I have friends I spend time with and activities I enjoy and a job I like that I'm good at, with colleagues I like, even though I can only manage part-time work. 

 

On the face of it, things are okay.

 

Except they're not. Because, aside from allllll the crap I had going on already... he's not in my world anymore. I've built a different life around the hole that is where he no longer is, but the hole isn't less or easier or gone. I've just incorporated the hole into the way life is now.


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#13 Blackdream

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Posted 27 August 2021 - 09:09 AM

Except they're not. Because, aside from allllll the crap I had going on already... he's not in my world anymore. I've built a different life around the hole that is where he no longer is, but the hole isn't less or easier or gone. I've just incorporated the hole into the way life is now.

It really touched me to read you.
I think, from were I stand which really can't feel and see what you feel and see but ... at least you were here with him, you shared those moments with him. I hope knowing that at least you were able to make those memories with him, sooth, even just slightly the pain of that part of you missing.
thanks a lot for talking to me.


I wanna STRETCH AND SLUMP on the guy next to me !!!

 

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#14 Bird_Bones

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Posted 02 September 2021 - 12:50 PM

I guess right now my life looks "normal," but it's been quite a ride. I got married to an older man straight out of college and that fell apart after about a dozen years, for a lot of reasons. I was able to move in with some friends a couple of states away who were open to polyamory, and looking for a third person. It actually kind of turned out my female friend knew she didn't have the same life expectancy as her husband, and was also hoping to find someone to take her place when she died. Which, sadly, she did, but then Mister and I were already on good terms and got married pretty soon after. That was the plan, after all.

 

I'm best described as demisexual, which Mister tries to understand but I'm not sure he quite gets it. He thinks all asexuals aren't into sex, period, and I keep reminding him that I'm only into sex with people I know and like, and since I'm a hermit, the only person I know & like is him.

 

I also never did want kids, which Mister is also happy with. 

 

It probably all sounds a bit odd, but I'm quite happy with my life. It may not be what people of a certain age were raised to expect, but I never really wanted those things anyway.


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#15 Bird_Bones

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Posted 02 September 2021 - 12:51 PM

I guess right now my life looks "normal," but it's been quite a ride. I got married to an older man straight out of college and that fell apart after about a dozen years, for a lot of reasons. I was able to move in with some friends a couple of states away who were open to polyamory, and looking for a third person. It actually kind of turned out my female friend knew she didn't have the same life expectancy as her husband, and was also hoping to find someone to take her place when she died. Which, sadly, she did, but then Mister and I were already on good terms and got married pretty soon after. That was the plan, after all.

I'm best described as demisexual, which Mister tries to understand but I'm not sure he quite gets it. He thinks all asexuals aren't into sex, period, and I keep reminding him that I'm only into sex with people I know and like, and since I'm a hermit, the only person I know & like is him.

I also never did want kids, which Mister is also happy with. 

It probably all sounds a bit odd, but I'm quite happy with my life. It may not be what people of a certain age were raised to expect, but I never really wanted those things anyway.


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#16 viofem

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Posted 03 September 2021 - 07:25 AM

i got married to my college sweeatheart and he died 20 years ago.  I have a boyfriend of many years I love but life has not turned out how I thought it would. I had many cats but they have all died.  No children.


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#17 MissGypsyRose

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Posted 18 September 2021 - 05:22 PM

i got married to my college sweeatheart and he died 20 years ago.  I have a boyfriend of many years I love but life has not turned out how I thought it would. I had many cats but they have all died.  No children.

 

I'm sorry. I don't know how old you are but that must be very young to lose your husband!

 

I'm single. Only had a small handful of actual boyfriends. (Sometimes I can score a date but I'm pretty hard-pressed to find someone interested in a second date with me or, god forbid, more.) I don't know why I'm such a turn-off but I guess I am. I assumed when I was younger (like 12-13) that I would have children but around the time I graduated high school I realized one does not actually HAVE to have children just because their uterus is able to grow them so I realized I didn't want kids and I'm fine with that part.

 

But I'm not fine with constantly being single. I want my 'someone.' I would like to get married. And the worst part seems to be that my friends have all convinced themselves that I actually enjoy being single and that I'm this way by choice. I guess that makes my pain easier on them because they don't have to worry that I'm constantly miserable.


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#18 Blackdream

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Posted 01 October 2021 - 02:10 AM

i got married to my college sweeatheart and he died 20 years ago.  I have a boyfriend of many years I love but life has not turned out how I thought it would. I had many cats but they have all died.  No children.

There is nothing clever I can say.
Just I hope you were able to spend good moments with him and enjoy it. Make nice memories.
*Many hugs*


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#19 Blackdream

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Posted 01 October 2021 - 02:18 AM

But I'm not fine with constantly being single. I want my 'someone.' I would like to get married. And the worst part seems to be that my friends have all convinced themselves that I actually enjoy being single and that I'm this way by choice. I guess that makes my pain easier on them because they don't have to worry that I'm constantly miserable.


I can't talk in place of your friends.

But people tend to avoid 'difficult' or 'sad' subject ... as if it is contagious and if you help someone you "catch" something. 
It's just as stupid as if doctors were refusing to take care of a broken legs. 
some.things.are.NOT.contagious !

they are afraid that if they ask direct question it might be "unpolite"
You should always ask directly to let people an opportunity for people to open their heart.

Meanwhile ... if you want to say anything ... here is the place.

And also ... I would say about the second date thing. Maybe ... be careful of "self prophety" it is one real great power we all have
Believe yourself, love yourself ... don't pressure yourself. Take it easy. 
Apparently, experience shows that if we look desperate it is pressuring people on the other side.
So .. maybe ... if you put pressure and yourself and the counterpart has pressure too ... 

maybe ? 

I wish you the best and lot lot lot lot of happiness.

Believe in you and in life !

Life wants you to be happy.

 

.


I wanna STRETCH AND SLUMP on the guy next to me !!!

 

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#20 Thinner092

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Posted 13 October 2021 - 11:39 PM

Divorced an no kids. My ex husband had a secret vasectomy. Thank him that jerk. OMG...


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