Story Time - The Birth Of My ED. Heart Failure
Posted 25 November 2021 - 02:41 AM
**** since 2010 I lost my period and never got it back and now have Ovarian Failure*****
So from 2010-2014 I worked at a fitness gym and followed a basic gym rat IIFYM diet. I loved my body then. I was slightly underweight but toned and yet still had my boobs and ass. I didn't necessarily restrict either. But you know it was bad when everyone asked what bikini comp I'm training for.. crazy how body dysmoprhia is soooooo real
Then I remember I B/P in 2013 but only maybe once every 3 months. I'd crave let's say cheesecake but had 4 slices instead of 1 and was scared I'd wake up and be obsess. So I purged which was difficult AF. I used my hands Then but it took forever..
..Then my dad died 2015 and that just triggered me into wanting to loose weight. So I found Freelee..
Did her exact diet at that time and dropped down to 61 pounds at 5'2 in a matter of months. I was maybe at 104 before that. Mind you I was lean with muscle and then i became a corpse. I loved it though. The look. How light I felt. Knowing that I could be this thin by eating 7 mangos , 6 bananas, buckets of grains and more fruit juice. Even eating 50 steamed dumplings I'd drop pounds.
So for me even though people were worried AF. They all saw me eating and thought okay fast metabolism but that csnt be healthy... ALL that fruit.....
I felt free tbh. Like truly so happy with life. I was passionate in actually sharing my results with others as I never craved anything else. I loved what I ate. And thought shit I found the answers to life.
Mind you I quit my fitness job and didn't workout. Just walking or hiking for maybe 1 or 2 hours daily. Sometimes not.
(I mean looking back of course HCLF is a form of restriction) and hell no i wouldn't recommend that now to any soul.....since I was deadly afraid of fat and anything else outside of what I ate.
Anyways, so with the constant weight loss I broke my sternum bone by taking off my jacket..I had bowel obstruction , jaudince , pancreatis, and potassium overdose. Basically Steve jobs. I know bad joke. Sorry.
Every doctor told me to stop my diet and to eat in balance. But I didn't know what balance was nor did I even want to try out other food.
I studied nutrition and Neuroscience and got a master's in it and sometimes I find even programs like that are triggering AF for young students because you know about calories and various other topics.
I'd incorporate a lot of oatmeal , breads, really anything as long as it was Vegan and HCLF. I never ever limited the amount I wanted to eat.
Yet again I was at 5% body fat looking like I was going to die yet with so much energy and happiness??? Fuck me right.
Well nearly everyday for years my chest was constantly hurting. It became chronic pain. Diagnosed with bradycardia. And kept getting urges from Doctors to change and get help before I come up with worse symptoms. It was weird. Like I lived at the hospital since every chest pain made me urgently drive to 911 to get tested cause I didn't wanna die. And yet I'd never take their advice and help.
I had a full blown seizure one night at my boyfriends house. We were sleeping. And woke up and it happened. I was paryzed for 20 min looking like the exorcism of whoever the fuck. To this day his family is so traumatized by it. Ambuaknce came and boom heart failure.
That was the scariest moment of my life because I didn't want to die. We all think yah Idc. Skinny over Living. But holy fuck when your minutes away from dieing. You wish you could take back everything.
Because for years of doing the HCLF 2014 till 2018 I was in denial to others that I'm perfectly fine but I knew in my heart that I wasn't.
So I woke up to in patient.....in the hospital room. Which was actually huge and modern AF. I was like sick a mini vacation. I have my own room, living room, bed, kitchen, washroom, TV
Mind you all I gave a shit was alright so is my heart fixed... those were my concerns to the Dr's and staff. So what now? WELL.
Because my vitals were sooooo bad. I couldn't leave even though at the time I was 23. I remember a Team of physicians coming in talking about my anorexia and did I yell or what. I acted like a 8 year old who was told to go to my room.
At the time I was so dumbfounded because I ate so much food but never anorexic.. and yes again in my head I knew I had disordered eating and I knew my thighs were the size of my upper arm but I liked it which made me feel so ashamed but I didn't want to admit it.
So I kept fighting with them and said I am not anorexic. Since I was labeled as an anorexic. I stayed at that hospital for 4 months.
They gave me vegetarian meals and I told them since day 1 I'm a picky vegan. vegan..... not vegetarian....
I don't know how but I was able to convince them if my mom can go and just bring me a bunch of fruit and carbohydrates and that they can watch me eat it and they allowed that but they also didn't care because they kept on bringing all of the regular hospital meals, snacks, and drinks that they expected me to also eat.
This is where it gets psychotic LOL. Of course I wasn't going to eat any of that because it didn't follow my high carb low fat diet. And so I would hide everything in the ceiling no joke.
LIKE IS IT STILL FUCKING THERE IDK ?! LMAOO
It wasn't popcorn ceiling or a typical flat ceiling.
they had these like Square boards and you can lift it up and I hid everything in there and I can't believe it because it didn't even smell.
At times I wouldn't even care and I just threw it in the garbage. Once I shuved food behind a painting, the TV, under the couch, etc.
You're probably wondering if I got supervized and I only got watched from the hours of 10 p.m. up until 6 a.m. there was always someone in front of me which was so awkward.
This was only because they all thought that I would die in my sleep. But other than that throughout the day I never got watched the only time doctors came to my room or nurses were to do more blood work or to give me updates of whatever have you.
Mind you yes there was a washroom and shower in my room. And again never was bulimic durring that time. Even though I wasn't bulimic I still find it crazy because if I was I could have easily gotten away with it.
During this time I obviously kept on losing weight and mind you I was also bedridden I could not leave my room ever like ever. Not even go outside.
But I was happy because there was a huge TV and all I watched were Halloween and Christmas movies.
So what happened near the end was they kept on saying that I was in anorexic and that I'm going to be sent to a home with other girls who have Eating Disorders which were hours away from where I live. And I'd have to eat non vegan food to gain or be fed tubed.
And I was like oh hell no that will never happen Over My Dead Body, because I have watched a documentary is about this and I have seen other girls YouTube channels and never in my life well that happen in my life time. Forced to gain weight fuck that.
I basically I remember convince them that I should get a colonoscopy and an endoscopy because maybe I have cancer for something that would cause the DraStic weight
. And they actually did it LOOOOL back-to-back both procedures. And then when they came back with the results they said there is nothing wrong with you and you're going to go to this home.
Bam. Shit Ton of brochures on the bed.
And because I'm so good at convincing it took me a long time but I pleaded with my mom that if I get out I swear that I would gain the weight and that I would eat any normal food without my rules but as long as it's vegan.
And if not I'd hate her forever and find a way to commit suicide.
So I got discharged. Man I remember thinking okay sick so now I'm gojng to call one of my friends and tell them to come w. Me outside the country on a permanent vacay. I had it planned to the T.
But every single fucking friend said no. Because durring the years of my weight loss they were all worried in secret but never came to me to talk about it
. So they weren't bitches but would be like lmao girl no don't be dramatic, eat for the titties and ass.
So that planned failed because I didn't want to go alone. Plus I had a boyfriend and still do. We been together for 9 years. I'm 26 now.
So being discharged at the blink of death . I swear baby Jesus got me a job at this vegan Cafe in Toronto. Canada. And your girl ate all the food their plus more.
I live outside of Toronto and if you live in Ontario then you'll know the best hundreds of vegan deliciousness is only at Toronto. And even before HCLF I always been a foodie.
So again idk but man I'm Christian and I swear God helped me not fear weight gain and used this time to enjoy all the places I'd go to.
WELL...side note when I got discharged, they actually threatened me and said that if I don't gain 30 lb in 40 days then they will come to my home and take me with them I will to this home. And that obviously explains why I wanted to leave the country, sorry I forgot to add this cuz I know it's important.
Anyways but yeah I don't know you guys something inside me was actually content about eating all of this food and let me tell you I binged every day I worked full-time and throw my shifts I would binge, and even after work I would walk far to multiple vegan bakeries or food places and just order sooooo much food on the menu......and stuff My face and just keep going.
I remember being so full but still eating anf still thinking of what to get next. I never ever once purged. I still find it psychotic because durring this time being discharged and working I wad lower than 67 pounds and could have died from shock with all thst food.
But anyways so I never purged durring this time. And tbh I'm proud for that. But it's cause I was in a fucking trance. Cause 2 months later it was like I woke up one morning looked in the mirror and cried. I saw this 25 pound weight gain and was so mad at myself. Like wtf how. Since when. Why didn't I notice... but again looking back thst 25 pound weight gain I was still underweight.
. Again always been petite and small boned at 5'2. But I saw it as wtf I'm bloody Shrek.
AND GUESS WHAT. THE PPL AT THE HOSPITAL NEVER CAME TO MY HOUSE OR CALLED ME TO C IF I GAINED WEIGHT..so that got me PISSED.
Again it's crazy because I could have easily went back to my old ways but I didn't so I don't know but I feel like Jesus took over my mind, as much as I thought about weight loss I actually ended up continuing to gain weight but just slowly, and I basically continue to eat vegan but I had fats proteins carbs and I ate out here and there like I was truly just enjoying life.
But as the weight creeps in.... the depression comes....looking at old photos....not fitting into my favorite clothes from before....feeling gross when I was naked....social media and its toxicity in itself....so I B /P in 2020.
I gained more weight cause I ate stupid amount of sugar and I wasn't hands free and I know I didn't purge it all up.
Then I did full blown keto cause I was sick of looking puffy. I did keto and lost all the weight I gained. And felt confident but knew it wasn't maintainable cause I love fruit.
So I was like HCLF worked before...maybe it'll work again. Yall. No. It didn't....so idk...cause I didn't change anything but I was just maintaining. I will say I was less bloated and I felt like I had more food freedom then a keto diet. But again I knew this shit isn't sustainable cause I love nut butters and pastries and again I'm I'm fucking foodie. Even with all of this weight gain and weight loss I had kidney inflammation and was treated for that. Chronic flank pain is something I wish no one has to experience.
So I was doing this yo yo diets back and forth. And I hated it. I then did a intuitive anorexic approach and lost weight fast but then there would be random moments where again on my YouTube I'd see a durianrider video and think oh yah sugar is the answer k got it. Then do a HCLF and gain weight and be in a trance and then one day I notice wtf.
I gained. Then look at a greg doucette video and think fuck me so it's calories In vs calories out ? Then a Eric berg video where it's all keto for health.
Cause man I studied Nutrition and Neuroscience and so apart of me was always like orthorexia because I want my body to be healthy AF.
So yah for years and even now idk how to eat. I BP again the last 4 months and weight dropped. I'm hands free which is hell cause it's so easy. And yet I feel like ass. I'm isolating myself from my friends and family.
All I think about is food and when I can B /P again. I feel in this fucking loop hole now and idk I felt like at least when I was keto or HCLF I was somewhat living ?
Yes still focused on food but I was happy and did my hobbies and work and shit. Now with B /P I'm so depressed. No job. Covid really made everything worse. It's like I prefer to be isolated and Introverted but I get so lonely.
And I know this cycle won't last forever. I don't want it to. I want to be better and to recover. I'm just scared to gain weight because I don't want to.
And if I eat portion control like that's not a thing. If I Intuitive eat like man I have an appetite and a half.
And now it's like when I eat any solid foods... a egg. A apple...a healthy bowl of greens or oats...it triggers a purge... even though I'm not binging. And that's scary to me. Cause so far my safe foods are liquids.
I think for me personally I'm embarrassed more so of my face more than anything. All my life my face has always been very gaunt, like a Tim Burton character, I have high cheekbones and sunken in cheeks, this is genetics, even at my heaviest weight my face looked like a concentration camp person.
Not trying to be disrespectful.
But since purging holy fuck my face is round and puffy and looks like I got 10 injections of filler. So I am using that to motivate me to stop. Cause I rather have my old face back and gain a Lil weight on my body. Then this...
It's just hard. I say this. But it's hard. And I know it takes action and baby goals then to really make change. And I don't want help because I know i have strong ass willpower and overcame more traumatic shit in my life so I can beat my ED..
I'm in school for Pathology now and man we learn so much and i feel like a fake cause I know better. But yet I'm inflicting so much harm onto my self. It's addicting.
Another form of context iv always had an addictive personality. I use to be so hooked on hitting 35 bowls a day from my bong since 2009-2014. Then quit cold turkey.
Never looked back.
Would smoke cigarettes on and off. Quit cold turkey. 8 months later back to cigarettes. Then quit etc. I hate alchool so can't do that. Which is somewhat good.
And I'd never touch any other drug nor do I want to.
But once not using substance I just became a spender. Fuck one time I spent 20k in 3 months . And then 40k in a year. 6k in 2 weeks. Etc.
Ask me where that money went. I can't even tell you.
I feel so embarrassed. Ashamed at my age and where I'm at. My friends have their lives together or like hustling to...
and I'm here like...hi.... can I have a re do in life?
Don't get me wrong I know we all got issues bur sometimes I feel like the worst fuck up.
And it's scary because I know since I have jack shit of a routine... this is happening. I blew all my money. I am wishing on the lottery at this point.
I don't want to do a career in what I'm studying. Ironically I always wanted to be a model . Yet if you asked me what's your dream. Job its Making Candles and skin care and just being free in nature.
So yah I feel really lost and if you knew me in real life fuck me you would have 0 clue. Because I don't voice out my anxieties and how I feel.
No word of a lie all of my friends and family label me as someone who doesn't care about what anyone thinks and just live their life based on how they want to and is a tough ass confident bitch who doesn't worry and a prodigy of a women.
But firstly going to an Ivy league school isn't ME. that doesn't define me. And I act that idgaf because I rather deal with my issues on my own.
I hate going for help or telling people my business and have them feel sorry for me or check up on me like I'm a lost cause.
I feel like a troll cause I swear I just want to live out on a farm surrounded by nature in a rustic vintage home without bullshit social media or anything so I can be free and do what I love and eat what I love. I feel like only then will I be free.
Since I was in elementary and to this day. I have always said I feel like a bird trapped in a cage. Like my soul isn't living its soul purpose.
And I think I'm really triggered with living in the same area I grew up. I need an adventure and a change of place. Because I feel like it's also holding me back.
Like I want new friends (only keep my 4 solid girls who r my rocks but everyone else can F Off.)
New location, New surroundings. I know I'm still young and I'm happy I have somewhat the want to get better and to just begin formulating a plan for myself in order to get that happy place.
It's just hard when your beginning from 0. Worst of all I feel bad knowing thst people see me as perfect and me and my bf and me are no joke bestfriends. Yet I cant bring myself to pour everything out to him.
And I know that's not good. And I know I'd want to know if he was struggling. But I know only once we break our chains will then miracles and opportunities come into our life.
A change of habit is a ripple affect and taking that leap with courage will no doubt be the best thing that I'd ever do.
Anyways, that was my long ass essay of an Inpatient Story. Aka. Birth of my ED. And where I'm at now :/ not suicidal. Just get in the feels too much sometimes
I know I have lost weight but I don't want to go on the scales. Because it would make it worse. I have been getting chest pains here and there but i know how to raise my electrolytes safety and from everything I know I would never not nourish myself after a purge. Maybe triggering but through the years like man my shits..... like never abused laxative pills but laxative teas yes and I definitely need another colonoscopy and mroe testing cause my poops through the years have been long and narrow for years and in thr last year currently 3 times (maybe 4 months apartish) I wiped and there was bright red blood on tissue.
So yah. I'm going to get that looked at cause I'm telling you guys, if currently your symptoms are mediocre they are going to get worse. And this disease Longterm doesn't get easier nor will your health improve. Unless you get outside help or self help and yah idk :/
I B/P twice today which is better than 5 or 8 times a day. Man I had a random thought of like I wonder how Princess Diana felt :/
Sending hugs to everyone. Hope you had a solid fun time reading this novel.
- decafcarnation likes this
Posted 26 November 2021 - 05:02 PM
Posted 27 November 2021 - 03:54 AM
Thankyou for writing and sharing this.
ugw maintain above 100 below 115
F*** you ED!
Posted 27 November 2021 - 02:05 PM
You mention wanting to recover but not wanting to gain weight. I get that. I've been there. The trick to recovery is that you have to go through the motions of recovery for a long time before you accept the weight gain. There was a point in my life where the weight I am today was my absolute worst nightmare. Worse than dying. Early in my recovery, I had the same exact issues you describe. My appetite scared the hell out of me. It's how I started purging because I'd try to eat a normal lunch and my emaciated body was like "oh hell no" and I'd eat everything in sight. Then I'd purge. It wasn't until well into recovery that I started eating normally that my voracious appetite settled down. But at the time, I thought it was forever and I'd fucked myself up for life. I hadn't, but in the moment there is no way to know that. It kept me stuck in disordered behavior for years.
Today after a FUCK ton of work, I'm more okay with my body than I've ever been, and every month it gets just a tiny bit better. It didn't happen all at once. It came from going through the motions and doing the recovery thing even when I didn't want to. Even on the day my period came back and the day I realized my old jeans didn't fit. Even on the days I didn't want to leave the house. I did it anyway. And then slowly there were days where I'd enjoy a birthday party with family without spending the entire time obsessed over the meal, or the time ice cream with a friend was actually fun. If you make it that far you start to see hope. You have to focus on those moments. Recovery is so amazing, but you have to go through absolute hell to get it. The first few weeks of recovery are hard, but the months after are even harder. Then eventually it starts to get easier. It's a test and it's where so many people relapse and get trapped again. I started over in my 30's. Stuck in inpatient, divorced, admitting to everyone in my life I'd been a liar and a cheat to support my eating disorder, working this shit entry level job, and literally learning how to eat like a normal person. I did it anyway. Here I am all these years later with the absolute love of my life, in a new career I love, and more food freedom than I've ever had. It's not perfect. My relationship with food still takes work, but it's so much better.
I'm not telling you what to do or how to feel. Just sharing a glimpse of what it looks like on the other side.
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