I sort of assume this is probably most everybody on here but I need to ask because I feel alone in this feeling in the real world offline...
I can't even dare bring up this topic with non disordered folks. I once alluded to this whole idea when speaking to someone not disordered. They immediately went off saying I was wasting my life if I didn't do things I want to do only because of my size. They also tried to make me feel better by saying I look fine and "no one cares what you look like" and all that typical self-acceptance body at every size BS as if that would make me change my messed up mind. I'm more than aware my way of thinking is disordered and not logical and still I cannot change it no matter how much I want to. I would never want anyone else to feel this way and I'm accepting of other people's sizes, just not my own. I feel unworthy of living my life until I'm an acceptable size... even though I know I'll never be 100% satisfied with my body I just want to feel more ok with it to live fully.
When I say putting life on hold, I mean hiding from friends and family, not going to events/functions, not traveling, not doing nice things for yourself, etc. until you lose a certain number of pounds or hit a certain set of measurements. I'm 5'9" so that number for me is 130 pounds or less. My LW was 95 pounds when I was at my most disordered and my post recovery weight I maintained for years was in the 125-135 pound range. I was very happy at that range even though I did always want to drop 10-20 pounds even then, I just was more accepting to the extent I would let myself do what I love most of the time and my size didn't hold me back much. The only thing I remember feeling uncomfy doing was wearing a crop top or bikini. Now if I could be 130 or less I would wear crop tops all the time hah. Funny how that works.
I gained 50 pounds due to a medical condition that is just now being treated, and I gained the weight very rapidly (3-4 months) and It has mentally messed me up. I have been at this high weight for over a year now, maybe a year and a half going on 2 years almost? It feels like forever. I had to be weighed at the doctor for dosing last week and I weighed 170 pounds. I'm 5'9" which means I now have an overweight BMI. I feel disgusting. My biggest regret is until I lose the weight I won't let myself travel and that is my only passion and dream. I feel like I'm missing out on life so much and it makes me depressed and in turn I overeat (especially when I'm starving for days and not losing due to my conditions). That one binge every month or so always sets me back WEEKS. I feel so over it and beyond ready to change. I haven't had a true binge in a month and a half and I feel somewhat proud. I'm currently doing 1000-1200 calories with 1 hour of running a day and it feels sustainable for me. I can easily do this for a few months until I drop the weight. In the mean time I'm just sad I'm missing out due to my size in the meantime.
Is anyone in a similar situation with a similar mindset? What are you waiting to do until you lose weight? if you woke up at your UGW tomorrow what would be the first thing you would do tomorrow?
I would love to hear others stories to give me some sense of being less alone. My original dx that started this whole nightmare was anorexia nervosa and it morphed into exercise bulimia/ binge eating years later (even though I never gained at that time due to the binging). I have only gained weight since my body shut down due to some illnesses I currently have (which before were untreated due to me being unaware). It feels helpless. I just want to enjoy my life and really live it. Please let me know I'm not alone and that I'm gonna be ok.