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Is anyone else putting their life on hold until they lose the weight?


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#1 ilovesaltyfood

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Posted 25 November 2021 - 07:36 PM

I sort of assume this is probably most everybody on here but I need to ask because I feel alone in this feeling in the real world offline...

 

I can't even dare bring up this topic with non disordered folks. I once alluded to this whole idea when speaking to someone not disordered. They immediately went off saying I was wasting my life if I didn't do things I want to do only because of my size. They also tried to make me feel better by saying I look fine and "no one cares what you look like" and all that typical self-acceptance body at every size BS as if that would make me change my messed up mind. I'm more than aware my way of thinking is disordered and not logical and still I cannot change it no matter how much I want to. I would never want anyone else to feel this way and I'm accepting of other people's sizes, just not my own. I feel unworthy of living my life until I'm an acceptable size... even though I know I'll never be 100% satisfied with my body I just want to feel more ok with it to live fully.

 

When I say putting life on hold, I mean hiding from friends and family, not going to events/functions, not traveling, not doing nice things for yourself, etc. until you lose a certain number of pounds or hit a certain set of measurements. I'm 5'9" so that number for me is 130 pounds or less. My LW was 95 pounds when I was at my most disordered and my post recovery weight I maintained for years was in the 125-135 pound range. I was very happy at that range even though I did always want to drop 10-20 pounds even then, I just was more accepting to the extent I would let myself do what I love most of the time and my size didn't hold me back much. The only thing I remember feeling uncomfy doing was wearing a crop top or bikini. Now if I could be 130 or less I would wear crop tops all the time hah. Funny how that works.

 

I gained 50 pounds due to a medical condition that is just now being treated, and I gained the weight very rapidly (3-4 months) and It has mentally messed me up. I have been at this high weight for over a year now, maybe a year and a half going on 2 years almost? It feels like forever. I had to be weighed at the doctor for dosing last week and I weighed 170 pounds. I'm 5'9" which means I now have an overweight BMI. I feel disgusting. My biggest regret is until I lose the weight I won't let myself travel and that is my only passion and dream. I feel like I'm missing out on life so much and it makes me depressed and in turn I overeat (especially when I'm starving for days and not losing due to my conditions). That one binge every month or so always sets me back WEEKS. I feel so over it and beyond ready to change. I haven't had a true binge in a month and a half and I feel somewhat proud. I'm currently doing 1000-1200 calories with 1 hour of running a day and it feels sustainable for me. I can easily do this for a few months until I drop the weight. In the mean time I'm just sad I'm missing out due to my size in the meantime.

 

Is anyone in a similar situation with a similar mindset? What are you waiting to do until you lose weight? if you woke up at your UGW tomorrow what would be the first thing you would do tomorrow?

 

I would love to hear others stories to give me some sense of being less alone. My original dx that started this whole nightmare was anorexia nervosa and it morphed into exercise bulimia/ binge eating years later (even though I never gained at that time due to the binging). I have only gained weight since my body shut down due to some illnesses I currently have (which before were untreated due to me being unaware). It feels helpless. I just want to enjoy my life and really live it. Please let me know I'm not alone and that I'm gonna be ok.


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#2 Carrie788

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Posted 25 November 2021 - 07:44 PM

I am really struggling with money and have my husband and young daughter to think of, so even though I have no clothes hardly I won’t buy any until I am smaller, I look like crap in everything, I feel like crap in everything, so why spend the money better spend on feeding and clothing those I love, I don’t even want to buy any boots for myself or trainers, I don’t deserve anything, my child and my husband do, they didn’t choose to have me be useless fat and an invalid! 
 

I hate going near anyone as they judge, with the best will, they judge, they will notice I’m fat, they will assume half my health issues are as I am fat rather than the other way around. 


SW - 219 - 11th November 2021
CW - 195 current loss - 24lb
GW1- 199 - achieved 
GW2 - 189
GW3 - 179
GW4 - 169
GW5 - 160
 
UGW? Who knows.
 
steroid dose 24th Nov 10mg
steroid dose 28th Nov reduced to 5mg to see how I go.
 


#3 PsyCaloria

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Posted 25 November 2021 - 08:50 PM

I really hope you'll treat yourself to anything you deserve once you get there. I've been rocking the same nike trainers and leggings for almost 5 years now. I'm guilty of the same mindset, but I try not to think about it too much because sometimes it make me insanely sad when I consider all the things I've missed or didn't get to enjoy because of my size and insecurities. My whole school career was basically me trying to stay under the radar as much as possible while trying to deal with harsh comments and lack of self worth. I don't have many people left in my life now so I'm clinging even more to the goal I set for myself. I think not having something to work towards would probably make me feel more lost than I already am. All I can hope for is that as my size goes down, my confidence will go up and I'll find the strength to get out there and start living like I should have for a long time. It sucks having crippling anxiety as I can't hold a job like I want to. I want to make money and spoil my sisters with stuff don't need but mentioned once maybe weeks ago. It really does weigh on me but all I can do is move forward.

 

I also don't buy any clothes my current size lol, it just seems like a huge waste if it will be too loose on me in a matter of months. I do have a little stash in my closet with smaller clothes that I bought in different sales, so it will be fun trying to come with some sort of style that fits me now when I get to that point. 



#4 babit

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Posted 29 November 2021 - 06:23 AM

I’m having a similar struggle and I’m so sorry you also feel that way. I hope you can overcome this

I gained up to around 190 lb (86 kg) at 5’7 after recovering from anorexia and it feels like all my worst fears came true. I saw all those Instagram accounts talking about how eventually extreme hunger passes and your body settles at a healthy weight, but that wasn’t the case for me. I just developed BED and I’ve been unable to shake it.

For the past couple of years I’ve been able to use covid as an excuse not to see people but the truth is I’m extremely embarrassed about how big I am. I managed to lose and get to 148 (67 kg) but I binged again and again and got back to 170 (77).

Things are opening back up, my friends want to hangout and my office has informed us we need to start going back at least once I week, but I’m dreading this. Being seen terrifies me.

And on top of all that, there’s dating. I refuse to even entertain the idea of getting an OLD profile because I’m terrified that I look slimmer in pics and will accidentally fatfish someone. Not to mention that the idea of being touched when I’m big actually makes my skin crawl.


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#5 99mirrors

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Posted 01 December 2021 - 11:23 AM

I have definitely felt all these things yall are saying.. but reading them is so SAD! Like holy shit.. you are all VALUABLE no matter how you look. :(
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pKQD1Xg.gif 
5'4" 
30 f INFP Aquarius
cw: 198
lw: 130
gw 1: 175
gw 2: 160
gw 3: 140
ugw:125

pKQD1Xg.gif

IWe3RrE.png


#6 potionmoon

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 05:48 PM

I can relate way too much to this, there’s only a few people I can meet and even with them I’m constantly stressing about how I look and the fact that they can see me.
Also used to have a low gw but now I just want back to what I was when I wanted that lol
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#7 Daniel4754

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 05:54 PM

Yes, I can relate with this. I have obstructive sleep apnea because of my obesity and my in home sleep study revealed that I choke while I'm trying to sleep 71 times in an hour. My sleep quality is so poor that I can't do many things, for example, take a day hike because I'd need to stop, set up a tent, and nap a couple of times whilst on the trail for that to work out for me. My whole life is kind of on hold until this is fixed, right? Yet I keep eating. I wish that I could put a stop to this.
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SW: 340 • CW: 340 • GW: 190 • MyFitnessPal: Daniel8746


#8 tthelemonsong

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 08:02 PM

Yes, I’ve had my life on hold for years now. It’s sad really.
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5'6.5

HW: 199.8 (Kill me.)
LW: 122
SW: 199.8 (07/04/21)
CW: 144.2

GW1: 160 (10/10/21)
GW2: 150 (12/3/21)
GW3: 140
GW4: 135
GW5: 130
GW6: 122 (lowest weight)
GW7: 116 (underweight)
UGW: 111

#9 spoiltrotten

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 08:13 PM

yes


intj 4w5

my accountability

 

 


#10 Endyss

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 10:05 PM

ilovesaltyfood, you’re not alone, and I think I know a little of what you are going through.

 

I (re)started my journey when I realized I was ALREADY isolating myself from family and friends because of my appearance. I would avoid parties with friends, only wear super baggy clothes, and generally try to avoid seeing anyone (or anyone seeing me). This should have been a signal to me, but the turning point was when I was kinda force-scheduled into a Florida vacation with a bunch of my friends, coming up next March. I realized if I didn’t do something immediately, I’d either have to endure almost a week of feeling crushing shame and humiliation, or maybe just find a really terrible reason not to even go.

 

I understand what it means to want to avoid the world, and right now while I’m being super restrictive (400-600 per day-ish), I still want nothing to do with any food I’m not in 100% strict control over, much less the temptation of alcohol. I’m also super new here, but from everything I can see, the real point to this place is to know that you’re NOT alone, that there are other people all over fighting with the same or similar demons to you, and that together we can comfort one another. Having a community is SO important to being happy and healthy.

 

So please, know you are among friends. Or one friend over here, anyway. We’re here for you.  :)



#11 Supercute777

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 10:08 PM

Absolutely, you’re def not alone. I’ve stopped myself from trying for certain opportunities and wouldn’t go on my trip to Greece. I’ve just started wearing more sexy clothing, but that’s only because I realized that when I’m 40 I’ll want to be this age again. I try not to do it, but I just don’t want memories of a fat girl!
pretty

 

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CW: 263

GW 1: 250

GW 2: 230

GW 3: 200

 

and beyond 

Accountability 


#12 ailuropoda

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 04:20 AM

Definitely relatable!!

#13 malika

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 12:39 PM

I’m in my mid twenties and I’ve never had a bf/gf or sexual partner. Made out with people but not in serious romantic context. I just can’t do it or believe people are actually attracted to me so I really just don’t put myself out into the dating scene.

Edited for typos.
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#14 Strawbunnies

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 08:46 AM

Yes. I work in the adult industry, I've been wanting to get back on cam regularly for like a year but not if I feel this chubby and everything stays on the internet forever. Getting to my goal at least.

age: 26. height: 4'11".
♡ GW: 125-120 ♡

starting weight was ~142.

140 135 130 125


#15 ilovesaltyfood

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Posted 07 December 2021 - 09:35 PM

I have definitely felt all these things yall are saying.. but reading them is so SAD! Like holy shit.. you are all VALUABLE no matter how you look. :(

 

The fact that it is SO sad is my main motivation to finally lose this weight. Once I lose weight I won't force myself to miss out anymore. I desperately want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I want to wear cute clothes, feel attractive, be athletic and feel confident enough to travel. I saved a ton of money for trips to exotic places and I want to go SO BAD. Most places I planned to go are tropical though so I can't go if I'm still fat. 



#16 MexicanHelloKitty

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Posted 07 December 2021 - 11:29 PM

dating, i don't feel confident that I could get a boyfriend at my weight  :(


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#17 attentionstarved

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Posted 08 December 2021 - 03:31 PM

sometimes i feel confident with how i look and i don’t mind it. i’m really into fashion, for example, so i’ll wear my silly little thrifted outfits and not care. but there’s things i feel like i can’t have or do until i’m thinner. like dating…….

and certain fashion things i don’t feel daring enough to wear. so if i was my ugw tomorrow i would wear WHATEVER. especially since more clothes will be available for me at a smaller size
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#18 attentionstarved

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Posted 08 December 2021 - 03:54 PM

wait. i just thought of another thing. i feel like i’m waiting to be thinner before i exercise ?!! like i feel stupid if i were to be seen in the gym ??! or on a hike )? idk. i think everyone else looks fine. i just feel like everyone’s looking at me BEINF A FATASS STRUGGLING TO BREATHE DHDJD i think i’m traumatized from Physical Education classes where i finished the mile in last place… every week…….
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#19 ilovesaltyfood

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Posted 08 December 2021 - 11:27 PM

wait. i just thought of another thing. i feel like i’m waiting to be thinner before i exercise ?!! like i feel stupid if i were to be seen in the gym ??! or on a hike )? idk. i think everyone else looks fine. i just feel like everyone’s looking at me BEINF A FATASS STRUGGLING TO BREATHE DHDJD i think i’m traumatized from Physical Education classes where i finished the mile in last place… every week…….


Lmao! I literally am the same but only in certain types of exercise. I have an unlimited yoga pass and won’t use it until I get thinner bc I don’t want to be the fattest one there :3

I also only run inside and at weird hours. I can’t run outside I’m too scared of being yelled at or having something thrown at me lol.
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#20 ilovesaltyfood

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Posted 08 December 2021 - 11:29 PM

dating, i don't feel confident that I could get a boyfriend at my weight :(


Yeah I won’t even look at a man until I’m at least 40 pounds less and even then. I wouldn’t date until I’m at my UGW and feeling good about myself mostly. I think if you’re larger and not confident you’re more prey to predatory and abusive behavior from men? That’s my feeling anyways. If I’m right then at least my disorder is protecting me from one thing XD
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