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Relapse. Again.

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#1 cravingperfection26



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Posted 26 November 2021 - 01:35 AM

I haven’t relapsed in over two years. I’ve struggled with ana/mia (mostly ana) since I was 15 and now I’m 29. I’ve done good being healthy on keto to lose weight because I did gain some back in the meantime. Because of the fat content in food you’re supposed to have, it gives me a sense of control without giving me the ability to starve myself. It’s the only way I’ve been able to stay recovered. My gf doesn’t think the keto diet is healthy and genuinely wants to help me do a different diet but she doesn’t understand what my triggers are, on top of that she mentioned Kaley Cucuo’s body being hot and my last serious ex used to talk about her being hot ALL the time… she’s so goddamned small and comparing myself to someone with such a perfect body not just once but twice in life now made me feel so worthless, so ugly, so fat, that I’ll never ever look like that, and today I literally couldn’t help it, I just snuck off and threw up all of my thanksgiving food on purpose. It was half mia raging, half honest to god nausea because I made myself sick thinking about how I feel like I’ll never be good enough. How could someone ever fall in love with me and my ugly body? Date me without wanting someone else prettier? Smaller? How could I have ever let it go this far? Remember when I was skin and bones and I didn’t feel bad about myself anymore?
It’s going to be bad again. I already don’t want to eat. I’ve agreed to try a different diet but the second carbs enter my body I feel disgusted and I just want to vomit. I will vomit. I can’t do it. All of my self worth just went out the window. I want to cry. I don’t want this but I can’t help it. Help me.

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