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A's Accountability-195lbs to 141lbs - CW 150


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#41 LostInEnchantment

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Posted 02 January 2022 - 03:55 AM

praying that you have a swift recovery xx

Thank you so much

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#42 LostInEnchantment

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Posted 03 January 2022 - 12:41 AM

1/2/22
So I was in the ICU still today getting fluids, insulin, magnesium, potassium, phosphate, etc. I'm feeling much better though. I should be released tomorrow. I basically ate at maintenance today because I didn't think it was wise to try to restrict while I was in the hospital trying to recover from severe dehydration essentially! Also, I was just hungry. I had zero calories the 30 hours prior because of being in DKA amd having to be NPO (not allowe to eat or drink anything by mouth). So I ate what they gave me. Could I have gotten away with eating less? Yes. Do I feel guilty for eating this much? Also yes. But it is what it is and I think it was necessary today. This was a major medical event that hypothetically could have killed me, so I deserve to eat. Right? Anyway. At least all the hospital food had all the calories listed on! But my stomach has been hurting all day from eating so much and for most part foods I never eat, like sandwiched, chips, eggs, full fat dressing, several servings of meat in a day, etc, and hardly any walking.

Intake:
4:30 AM meal to get me transferred out of ER and into ICU:
- Potato chips, 160 cal
- Turkey slider, 220
Breakfast:
- Scrambled eggs, 148
- Breakfast potatoes, 126
Lunch:
- A cup of tomato basil soup, 117
- Most of a chicken salad sandwich, 297
Dinner:
- Chicken Caesar Salad, 240
- 1/2 serving of Caesar dressing, 88
- Grilled cheese sandwich, 297
Total calories: 1643

Steps: 4716 I really tried but I wasn't even allowed to get out of the bed a lot of the day.

Weight: I have no idea, but I'm sure it's up 8-15 pounds.

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#43 LostInEnchantment

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Posted 03 January 2022 - 08:26 AM

Lol I was bored and reading through the notes about my admission to the hospital (still here but I'm fairly sure I'm leaving this morning) and saw that they described me as a well-nourished, mildly overweight woman. Love that for me.
I mean, it's literally true? My BMI is like 26.5, which is mildly overweight, which in turn means that I'm well-nourished. But damn am I triggered!

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#44 LostInEnchantment

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Posted 04 January 2022 - 12:27 AM

1/3
I was discharged from the hospital at around 4 pm today, yay. It's only 9 now, but I'm still super tired, so I'm probably going to go to sleep after writing this update.
I'm not really sure what my plans for weight loss/intake are after this. I definitely still want to lose probably 20 pounds more (which obviously isn't a low weight at all) but my body doesn't function well, and even though I had been in recovery for so many years, it's still hard for me to resist the urge to stop taking insulin when I'm worried that my caloric intake wasn't low enough. This is just too dangerous for me to do AT ALL at my age and with the amount of complications that I have evidently accrued. I don't want to die atm, and besides, the weight loss from that isn't real. It's just dehydration, for the most part.
To be clear, the 45 pounds I have lost since September are NOT from restricting insulin - I have only done that a couple of times this relapse and just in the past 2 weeks. But it's never worth the risk at all.
Anyway, my labs were mostly back to normal today other than high chloride and low cO2 for reasons I don't fully understand, and they sent me home with phosphate (?) but other than that it's just my normal home meds. I have therapy tomorrow and a followup with my primary care on Wednesday, and I'm sure my endocrinocrologist will not be happy that I didn't inform her that I was hospitalized or follow up - I just don't want to deal with her judgment or questioning why it happened. It never helps, just makes me feel like a defective and horrible diabetic. Obviously I will have to make an appointment with her soon, or I will no longer have a prescription for my Dexcom, insulin pump supplies, or insulin, but I'm just holding it off for another month or so, haha.
This has turned into into quite a long entry, so I'll write out my intake now. I ate quite a lot again today, definitely not restriction. Again, I'm not sure what my game plan is wrt to calories going forward.

Intake:
1 Scrambled egg with cheese, 176
Grande Peppermint Mocha, 320
McD's Medium fry, 340
Mc D's Double cheeseburger, 340
Ketchup, 29
White Claw Surge, 220
Total calories: 1,425

Steps: 7519 (better than yesterday but was still in hospital most of the day, so will do better tomorrow. )

Weight: Don't know accurate weight, but weighed after I got home and eaten twice, drank all day, with clothes on etc., and was 153. Will see real weight tomorrow morning.

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#45 Dandelion108

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Posted 04 January 2022 - 10:48 AM

Amazing progress. <3 


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#46 LostInEnchantment

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Posted 04 January 2022 - 11:38 AM

Amazing progress. <3

Thank you so much!

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#47 LostInEnchantment

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Posted 10 January 2022 - 02:41 AM

I haven't updated in a bit because my mental health has been so poor and my self- loathing at an all-time high. I would say that I don't know how I got to this point of having failed completely in life at 30, having none of the accomplishments, jobs, marriages, children, higher education, etc that my peers do...but it's because of my fear of failure. I did very little that I thought I would fail at - and being anxious, I think I will fail everything - and so the world closed in around me, I withdrew into my illnesses, and now my world is very tiny and genuinely limited. It feels so much better and offers instant relief when we are phobic to run away from what scares us. But when we do so, we are quite literally painting ourselves into a corner that is much, much harder to break out of as time goes by. My eating disorder offered a break from the constant anxiety that buzzed in my brain. But then I came to realized that my eating disorder had actually added to that anxiety...and if I tried to stop the ED behaviors, that was a 3rd layer of anxiety! It's a nasty business.
I will never stop rambling if I don't just...stop. So here's my intake update I guess for today:

Intake:
BLT grilled chicken salad from 7/11 lol, 205
Green beans, 71
Alpha vegan burrito, 290
Progreso spicy chicken tortilla soup, 190
Total: 756

Steps: 11,449
Weight: 150.9

I haven't lost since January 1st and that's cause I was in DKA. Let's see if I will actually make it below 150 in the next week. I surely hope so. Even though I haven't been restricting very low, I have been so fucking hungry the past couple days. Probably because I ate at maintenance for like 2 weeks over Christmas/NY/after my hospital sitch. Oh well.

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#48 LostInEnchantment

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 03:55 PM

How am I not losing weight when I am consistently eating under 1000 calories a day the past week, getting 10k+ steps, and am at a BMI of 26.5 which means my TDEE should be high?? I just keep weighing in between 149.5 and 150.5 every morning. I weigh at the same time, same amount of clothing (none) before eating and drinking...I know I'm calculating my calories correctly, I mostly eat packaged food.
The only possibility is that I could be getting my period, but I'm now 4 days late, which makes me even more upset, because I could then be pregnant, despite the last time I had sex having been protected and I've had two negative pregnancy tests since then. But it is still a possibility. Which would be horrible since it was just a hookup and I am in no way mentally, physically, or financially stable enough to take care of a baby.
I really want to die.

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#49 LostInEnchantment

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 03:47 AM

Well today I fucked up and drank like SEVERAL glasses of wine, got drunk, ate far too much, and am once again crying and panicking over the fact that maybe I am pregnant because I am still like several days late on my period... and then feeling guilty for drinking if I AM pregnant even though NO part of me wants to be pregnant.
The biggest part of me wants to be dead. Help.
I will have gained weight tomorrow, and there will be zero reason for me to moan and complain about it, because I ate and drank far too much today and I deserve to gain weight. Period.
I hate myself so fucking much.

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#50 Dandelion108

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 12:10 PM

Well today I fucked up and drank like SEVERAL glasses of wine, got drunk, ate far too much, and am once again crying and panicking over the fact that maybe I am pregnant because I am still like several days late on my period... and then feeling guilty for drinking if I AM pregnant even though NO part of me wants to be pregnant.
The biggest part of me wants to be dead. Help.
I will have gained weight tomorrow, and there will be zero reason for me to moan and complain about it, because I ate and drank far too much today and I deserve to gain weight. Period.
I hate myself so fucking much.

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So sorry for the difficult stuff you're dealing with right now. 
Wishing you success and to try and take things one moment at a time. <3 


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#51 LostInEnchantment

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 12:22 PM

So sorry for the difficult stuff you're dealing with right now.
Wishing you success and to try and take things one moment at a time. <3

Thank you so much, this was really kind of you! You're right, just one step at a time is what I'm going to try to do today. That's all I can do!

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#52 Dandelion108

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 12:26 PM

Thank you so much, this was really kind of you! You're right, just one step at a time is what I'm going to try to do today. That's all I can do!

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<3 I totally empathize - Every now and then I have such horrible days....and specifically with wine and overeating, so I completely resonate with what you've written. 
One moment at a time is the best for relieving anxiety. 
Also, remember that you've come so far !! One day or even one week of hard times won't ruin your progress. 
Fingers crossed for you that your period comes soon too - I'm sure the stress could be delaying it. 
 


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#53 LostInEnchantment

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 12:41 PM

<3 I totally empathize - Every now and then I have such horrible days....and specifically with wine and overeating, so I completely resonate with what you've written.
One moment at a time is the best for relieving anxiety.
Also, remember that you've come so far !! One day or even one week of hard times won't ruin your progress.
Fingers crossed for you that your period comes soon too - I'm sure the stress could be delaying it.

Yeah, it's so hard to stay in control once you're drinking - at least for me! It's my Achille's heel, haha.


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#54 LostInEnchantment

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 07:42 PM

I just took another pregnancy test and it was negative, thankfully. Eaten nothing yet today (it's 4:30 pm) and hopefully can just eat one meal tonight. Did not gain weight today and did measurements and I guess I have lost a bit from bust, waist, and hips. So today is a little better even though I slept less than 2 hours last night which is making me feel crazier than usual.

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#55 LostInEnchantment

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Posted 15 January 2022 - 02:29 PM

149.3 today. I guess I am losing...so a little less than a pound loss in 2 weeks! But hey, really, I'm at 8 pounds away from normal weight, if I think reasonably, is there any reason why I NEED to lose that weight immediately? Other than my ED brain? It will not change my health status to be 141 rather than 149 especially if I'm sacrificing my tenuous as is mental health. No matter what I do, I probably won't lose those 8 pounds in 2 weeks or a month, so having unrealistic expectations and obsessing over them is only hurting me.

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