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Ana feels like home


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#1 abnormal

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 04:59 PM

I don't know how to describe it and my boyfriend thinks I'm weird lol but does anyone know what I mean? I have gone in and out of recovery so many times. I have been ''fully recovered'', eating three normal meals with snacks every day. But going back to restricting always feels like coming home, in the most comforting way.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like I can't recover but that I don't want to


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do I live in a dream on another planet?


#2 Sugarcoated

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 05:07 PM

I know this feeling so well, something about coming back to old habits makes me feel safer more myself. Idk what it is but there’s something comforting about it...
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#3 Honeybee0323

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 05:13 PM

- Delilah
I embody the ed of my system, mostly ana behaviors. Our other host Rosa completely understands because she always comes back to me. She always counts on me to bring comfort in the things I do even if it causes a little pain. It's familiar and it's where we feel the most safe


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#4 Seal with a Meal

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 05:18 PM

Absolutely. i almost feel like emotional warmth whenever something happens and i start re-engaging in behaviors.


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#5 ChibiBunny

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 05:34 PM

Oh my god I agree so much. I'm trying to recover right now but it just doesn't feel right, it feels like I'm losing a big part of what makes me me.


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I'm literally just a mess at this point:

 

mess
/mes/
 
noun
 
  1.  
    a dirty or untidy state of things or of a place
     
  2. a situation or state of affairs that is confused or full of difficulties.

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#6 devonneby***sha

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 06:08 PM

Yep, I know exactly what you guys mean. This is the hardest part of recovery for me. This is what's holding me back so much, why I keep coming back to it. My eating disorder is my safe place in a really fu*ked up way.

#7 rachelxxx1

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 07:12 PM

yup, i was fully recovered and now i’m starting to relapse and i don’t want to, but it feels so good to restrict it’s addicting :/
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#8 Pax~Immorte

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 07:19 PM

This is why I am stuck where I am right now regardless of all the physical problems it is causing - this body is the only place I feel safe and when she is fleshier I can’t begin to describe the out of control feeling that overcomes me. I have this raging urge to self-destruct unless I am within a certain range, which is so arbitrary you know? I have no idea why my brain clings to this place… trauma does weird things to our nervous systems eh?
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I came, I saw, I tried to leave
but life just wasn’t done with me
So I waved hospice goodbye, took Ana’s hand in mine and begged
“Peace until the end?”
And with wry reply she sighed
“I’ll do my best my friend…”
So we live
side by side
Until it’s our turn to drift away
on the gentle tide
~Pax

Current BMI - 12.9… (Jan 1, 2022)
Goal: I just want to be strong enough to fulfill this life’s purpose before blowin’ this popsicle stand and hitchhiking to the next life… Whatever bmi that is, preferably in the 13ish range… That’s my safe place

“I meant to write about death, only life came breaking in as usual”
~Virginia Woolf

Accountability : https://www.myproana...reathe-i-hope”/

What is Harm Reduction (for Eating Disorders)?

https://jeatdisord.b...0306-3/tables/1[/url]

#9 beAbody

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 07:27 PM

the sadness and familiarity feels comfortable. you have more control of your body and its a lonely thing which can be comforting bc no one can hurt u except for urself. restriction feels so normal now its a little routine that makes me happy by dwelling into my sadness, more long term & slow sh 



#10 autumnblueskies

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 11:14 AM

I know that exact feeling. Honestly I wish it wasn't this way, sometimes I wish I was a normal person who hates dieting and becomes happy when they go back to eat normal, but I can't eat normal without becoming depressed and feeling out of control. Although this hasn't even went on for that long I'm afraid it will land me in the hospital eventually because I try to leave but keep coming back because when I restrict I feel happiest, I'm happiest when I'm engaging in a self-destructive behavior and I hate it
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height: 5'2
hw: 130 lbs (23.8 BMI / 24.6 new BMI)
lw: 90 lbs (16.5 BMI / 17.0 new BMI)
cw: unknown

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I've decided to take a break from this site to focus on developing healthy and sustainable eating habits. Goodbye!

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#11 thenarcissus

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 12:01 PM

the pain is comforting in a way


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#12 bella bambi

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 12:06 PM

i understand you, it does feel like home. feeling empty, light and numb. it's so comforting, in a way.


— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —

 

hi! i'm bella <3

 

15 years old

diagnosed with restrictive anorexia nervosa

 

h 168 cm

hw 56 kg, bmi 19.8

lw 43,3 kg, bmi 15.3

cw 44,1 kg, bmi 15.6

gw 38 kg, bmi 13.5

 

 

 

 


#13 stonescold

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 12:16 PM

I get it. It’s so comforting which sounds sick but it’s true. A part of me hates that I feel this way

#14 ♡lulu♡

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 12:55 PM

i feel this so much. like freshman year was the worst year of my life because of my ed. i attempted like 3 times and couldnt get out of bed i was so weak. but thinking about that year always causes me to relapse. the thought of wearing a size s, being cold all the time, spending all my time on mpa, fainting in public, my ed consuming all of my thoughts, it literally just sounds like the most comforting thing to me.
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#15 marzipanmouse

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 08:26 PM

quite literally in some regards, any time I come home (whether for brief or long periods of time where I have to pretend to be normal) I immediately relapse. starving is so comfortable, I feel like myself when I'm alone and disordered, it makes me happy in a specific way nothing else can really compare to

#16 halfway2home

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 08:29 PM

yes. after having it for so long, even almost being "fully recovered", it always feels like restriction and being sick is a safety net. a comfort blanket. its sick and a little twisted but its true :( I relate

"to whom do i owe the biggest apology? no one's been crueller than i've been to me" - alanis morissette

 

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cw: 123.3 lbs

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#17 iwasneverhere01

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 09:26 PM

before i began restricting and all these "ed like" habits, i was miserable and stuck in limbo, i didnt know why i felt that way, feeling so out of touch with the world and myself. eventually restriction came, almost naturally, like i'd been missing out on apart of myself that i'd been hiding for so long because i didnt know anything else. the normal understanding of food, the accepted culture of eating all the time. escaping from that felt so surreal, like i never really knew myself until now and im finally learning. i found the way to be satisfied with my existence, that id been searching for so long.


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"i don't have to eat this right now, i can eat it later"

 

height: 5'1 (155), age:18                               

 

hw: 130 (59)         bmi   24.6

lw: 102.6 (46.5)    bmi   19.2

 

cw: 105               bmi    19.8 

 

gw: 103 (46.7)     bmi    19.5

 

ugw: 90 (40.8)      bmi    17

 

 

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#18 boneseyboy

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 09:38 PM

that’s why I relapsed. It used to be about control, about looking less like myself and more like my favourite person. But like, my life is pretty great right now and I have nothing to amuse myself with.

I could recover, if I wanted to, but who would I be without my calories and my silly little rituals? What would whittle away at the hours if not me whittling my body away?

You feel more intense on your ED bender. It’s the same reason I stopped taking my anti anxiety meds because even though I was more confident on them and literally didn’t lie awake worrying about dumb shit, I didn’t.. have the highs and lows. I felt happily neutral. And I loved the come up from an anxiety spiral or a depressive episode, that breath of fresh air that’s practically manic from all the happy chemicals flooding your brain after months of Bad Bad Feelings. I loved being intense, and without my eating disorder or being unmedicated I was just.. functional.

My eating disorder is what keeps my life interesting, and it's comforting.
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#19 I like bones

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 09:54 PM

I for sure feel better about myself when I’m restricting and following my rules, I feel successful almost comforted. Yup totally agree with the heading of this chat.



#20 Riley221

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 11:37 PM

Yes!! I was “recovered” for nearly 3 yrs and it’s sick to say, but it feels good to be back


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