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Getting back on track after being stupid


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#1 keepingupappearances

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 10:01 AM

A month or so ago, I decided that enough was enough: my BMI was so low that even I thought I looked like crap, particularly in my face. I was physically deteriorating — constant pain, cold to the bones, barely had the energy to get out of bed, etc. — and I felt like my brain had gone on vacation.

I decided to up my calories to maintenance and it has not gone well, to say the least. “Extreme hunger” came galloping in after a couple days and now it feels like I have a ravenous beast inside of me that is always craving food.

I am DONE feeling this out of control. I have gone up about a BMI point since this all started, and I don’t like it. I especially do not like HOW I gained the weight, i.e., inhaling the entirely contents of my refrigerator a few times a week. (And my face doesn’t even look any better!)

I am very lucky in that I am not one of those people who goes from an underweight BMI to an overweight BMI in a couple months. (That must feel unbearable.) I do not even gain to a normal BMI because I eventually figure out how to put the beast back in its cage. However, I do not really have a “method” for putting the beast back in its cage so it usually takes a lot of trial and error and I am completely miserable in the meantime.

Can anyone else relate to this? If so, is there anything that you know helps you get a grip on this? I’d prefer to not be this despondent for longer than necessary. Sigh…

xx in advance to anyone who responds to this.

Edit: I know that a lot of people say that they get out of this phase by fasting, but (1) that has never worked for me (unfortunately) and (2) I live with a SO who would never let me get away with fasting even if it DID work.
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On a seemingly never-ending quest to keep up appearances, i.e., maintain a weight low enough that I can handle it psychologically and high enough that I can live my life and not cause concern. It's exhausting.

#2 Laura1982

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Posted 15 January 2022 - 06:07 AM

I’m really sorry you’re struggling with this… I can relate to the extreme hunger that you have been experiencing. I only have to have a bite of something and I’m hungrier than ever before eating these days. It’s awful. It seems if I don’t eat, in time hunger just disappears. I also can’t fast anymore because my husband is working different hours now and makes sure I eat where before I could fast for quite some time. Then he gets upset with me if I eventually binge but he doesn’t realise I’m so hungry after eating a small meal in the evening with him. It’s like that one meal is just teasing me, I’m going to want more after it as I suppose my body suddenly switches on hunger signals and realise there is food after all! I feel so tired of being even hungrier after eating. I’m sure my husband just thinks I’m greedy or something even though I’ve tried so hard to explain to him what’s going on…. I don’t really have any advice. I just wanted to offer you my complete understanding of this as I know just how hard this can be. Xx


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#3 hunthebun

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Posted 15 January 2022 - 09:10 AM

do you have a job or something that takes you out the house/kitchen and into the world?

also bear in mind that your weight will redistribute and adjust the longer you stay at a certain point x


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#4 iwasneverhere01

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Posted 15 January 2022 - 10:54 AM

also bear in mind that your weight will redistribute and adjust the longer you stay at a certain point x

uhmmm sorry do you think you could explain this a little more? if you reach underweight, your body will adjust to stay at that point?


"i don't have to eat this right now, i can eat it later"

 

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hw: 130 (59)         bmi   24.6

lw: 102.6 (46.5)    bmi   19.2

 

cw: 105               bmi    19.8 

 

gw: 103 (46.7)     bmi    19.5

 

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#5 autumnblueskies

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Posted 15 January 2022 - 11:15 AM

You are not alone. I tried maintenance because I was feeling terrible physically and it turned into a binge phase. It's only been about a month and I also have days where I restrict so I haven't gained a *huge* amount of weight, but I've still gained and I feel terrible. Right now I'm trying to get back into restriction, my brain keeps making excuses to binge but I've had enough, I'm happiest when I'm restricting. How easy it will be to go back is 90% dependent on your mindset. It will be hard at first to get out but the longer you've been out the harder it is to fall back in, just keep pushing through!
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╔══════ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══════╗

height: 5'2
hw: 130 lbs (23.8 BMI / 24.6 new BMI)
lw: 90 lbs (16.5 BMI / 17.0 new BMI)
cw: unknown

╚══════ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══════╝

Currently focused on developing healthier and more sustainable eating habits and eventual recovery

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#6 keepingupappearances

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Posted 15 January 2022 - 12:21 PM

I’m really sorry you’re struggling with this… I can relate to the extreme hunger that you have been experiencing. I only have to have a bite of something and I’m hungrier than ever before eating these days. It’s awful. It seems if I don’t eat, in time hunger just disappears. I also can’t fast anymore because my husband is working different hours now and makes sure I eat where before I could fast for quite some time. Then he gets upset with me if I eventually binge but he doesn’t realise I’m so hungry after eating a small meal in the evening with him. It’s like that one meal is just teasing me, I’m going to want more after it as I suppose my body suddenly switches on hunger signals and realise there is food after all! I feel so tired of being even hungrier after eating. I’m sure my husband just thinks I’m greedy or something even though I’ve tried so hard to explain to him what’s going on…. I don’t really have any advice. I just wanted to offer you my complete understanding of this as I know just how hard this can be. Xx


Omg, I could have written this. I love the phrase “It’s like that one meal is just teasing me.” I’m using that the next time I explain to my SO what the heck is going on with me. I also relate to your hunger “turning off” eventually after a period of restriction. I just need to figure out how to bridge the gap between feeling ravenous and losing my appetite. It’s so hard to make that jump (i.e restrict until my hunger goes away) when my body wants to inhale every single thing in my kitchen.

Anyway, thank you for replying with this. I know you don’t have a “solution,” but it feels better to know that I’m not alone. xx
On a seemingly never-ending quest to keep up appearances, i.e., maintain a weight low enough that I can handle it psychologically and high enough that I can live my life and not cause concern. It's exhausting.

#7 keepingupappearances

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Posted 15 January 2022 - 12:33 PM

do you have a job or something that takes you out the house/kitchen and into the world?
also bear in mind that your weight will redistribute and adjust the longer you stay at a certain point x


I wish… I’ve been on disability for quite a while for bipolar disorder and AN, so I do not work. You’re right, though, that it was much easier to restrict when I had a job. I’m also in an almost incapacitating depressive episode right now, so getting out of the house to do ANYTHING is next to impossible, even if I did have somewhere to go.

You’re right, too, that weight will redistribute. During the couple years that I was in “remission” after a 6-month stint in residential, this happened after about a year. Atm, though, I don’t think I’m patient enough to wait for that to happen. The weight has not really come on unevenly this time, except that the only place I WANTED it to go was my face and that didn’t happen.

I guess I’m just screwed. I really appreciate your help, though. xx
On a seemingly never-ending quest to keep up appearances, i.e., maintain a weight low enough that I can handle it psychologically and high enough that I can live my life and not cause concern. It's exhausting.

#8 keepingupappearances

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Posted 15 January 2022 - 12:37 PM

You are not alone. I tried maintenance because I was feeling terrible physically and it turned into a binge phase. It's only been about a month and I also have days where I restrict so I haven't gained a *huge* amount of weight, but I've still gained and I feel terrible. Right now I'm trying to get back into restriction, my brain keeps making excuses to binge but I've had enough, I'm happiest when I'm restricting. How easy it will be to go back is 90% dependent on your mindset. It will be hard at first to get out but the longer you've been out the harder it is to fall back in, just keep pushing through!


You have no idea how much I appreciate your encouragement. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, too. The one bit of luck that I have is that my SO is going away for three weeks starting January 24th, so I can do whatever the heck I want to get through this. I hope you’re able to push through it, too! xx
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On a seemingly never-ending quest to keep up appearances, i.e., maintain a weight low enough that I can handle it psychologically and high enough that I can live my life and not cause concern. It's exhausting.

#9 keepingupappearances

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Posted 15 January 2022 - 12:42 PM

uhmmm sorry do you think you could explain this a little more? if you reach underweight, your body will adjust to stay at that point?


What they mean is that when you gain weight, it may come on somewhat unevenly. (For instance, in people with AN who have a lot of weight to gain, it tends to disproportionately go to their abdomen. You have no idea how many times I’ve been on IP units with people with super skinny arms and legs who look 7 months pregnant…) But, if you wait it out and don’t try to lose the weight, the weight will redistribute to whatever your natural proportions are.
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On a seemingly never-ending quest to keep up appearances, i.e., maintain a weight low enough that I can handle it psychologically and high enough that I can live my life and not cause concern. It's exhausting.

#10 Laura1982

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Posted 15 January 2022 - 01:41 PM

Omg, I could have written this. I love the phrase “It’s like that one meal is just teasing me.” I’m using that the next time I explain to my SO what the heck is going on with me. I also relate to your hunger “turning off” eventually after a period of restriction. I just need to figure out how to bridge the gap between feeling ravenous and losing my appetite. It’s so hard to make that jump (i.e restrict until my hunger goes away) when my body wants to inhale every single thing in my kitchen.

Anyway, thank you for replying with this. I know you don’t have a “solution,” but it feels better to know that I’m not alone. xx

Aww you’re welcome my lovely, please message me anytime at all if you want to talk. Xx



#11 Seal with a Meal

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Posted 15 January 2022 - 01:48 PM

don't have any concrete advice but damn i know what you mean about the extreme hunger and I experienced it at the border of a normal BMI, so I can't even imagine how much worse the hunger would be if moderately underweight. It's the most stressful feeling of "out of control." Right now my ED is 50% driven by that fear of uncontrollable hunger.

 

Looking back at the time I had extreme hunger I think a schedule & low restriction would have helped until I got back in the swing of things. I experienced this during the first month of lockdown when I was in quarantine in my parents house and they were in charge of my food and they stocked my room with junk food and would bring me huge meals of binge triggers (fettucine alfredo, huge plates of rice), so I think it wouldn't have been too bad if I was able to get out of the house  and make my own food 


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