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Internal battle: anorexia vs. muscle dysmorphia vs. orthorexia


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#21 Guest_deadliftmomma_*

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Posted 05 July 2016 - 01:22 AM

I agree.

 

I have even taken bad supplements to build lean muscle mass as I know that will burn fat.

 

I just want the body fat to go away and look like a fitness model.  Unrealistic goal, but it would be nice if I could do that without taking steroids.

 

Of course most of them take steroids, so that's a silly goal!  


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#22 LiarraMae

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Posted 15 July 2016 - 02:31 PM

Anorexic tendencies are making it so difficult to gain or even maintain muscle mass and muscle dysmorphia is hitting hard as a result. I'm only eating a portion of what I need to be, but I won't let myself lift while I'm under eating, but when I try to eat enough then it feels like a binge and I want to purge or have a real binge. Now, to top it off, I've been vegan for the past few months and so now the orthorexia is messing with my head. UGGGHHHH

This might sound messed up, but I really miss starving myself and overexercising. It was just so much simpler back then. Sometimes I crave those comforts, and worse lately.

I'm currently at a medically appropriate weight. I have been working out with the goal of gaining muscle mass for two years. I have primarily struggled with bulimia, if only because engaging anorexia always landed me in treatment, but bulimia has kept me semi-functional at least in appearance. People haven't been as worried since I'm not looking as sick as before.

I've had my ED for 10+ years. It started when I was overweight and binging, I started purging (bulimia), then restricting (anorexia), then rigidly structuring my intake based on insane self-contrived rules for health (orthorexa) in a misguided attempt at recovery. Since then I've been in treatment twice.

I'm trying so, so hard to move in a positive direction towards a more solid recovery... But those little voices seem so relentless. If I'm not fat, then I'm too bony, and if I'm not too soft then I'm too muscular. If I'm not eating enough then I need to eat better food but then I don't eat enough of that food and I end up binging or thinking I'm binging, etcetcetc.

Absolutely beautiful. I am new here and this is one of the most important things I have read on here since I have started. A couple of weeks ago I really wanted to start working our again and let lean and toned. Now, that just seems unrealistic. I just want to be thin and happy with myself. I cut the inside of my thighs because they are one of the areas I absolutely am disgusted with. I have never been able to purge successfully, but a couple of days ago I came to terms with myself. I know it is the most unhealthy thing to do, but I am currently restricting. I want a body that I have never had before. I know it will be impossible to love myself with any way I turn. Just wanted you to know that you have a friend! Thank you for sharing.


read my story ♡

21 y/o

5'9.5"

hw: 189 lbs  bmi- 27.5

cw: 177.8 lbs  bmi- 25.9

gw 1: 175 lbs  bmi- 25.5

gw 2: 165 lbs ♡ bmi- 24.0

gw 3: 155 lbs  bmi- 22.6

gw 4: 145 lbs  bmi- 21.1

gw 5: 135 lbs  bmi- 19.6

gw 6: 125 lbs bmi- 18.2

ugw: 117 lbs  bmi- 17

 

 

 


#23 Guest_-_-............_*

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Posted 12 August 2016 - 10:52 PM

I feel this way, I want to be thin but want lean muscle too. I don't eat enough to get the muscle I want. I have a bad history of over eating and got it under control a long time ago. Still it is hard to eat large amounts mentally. 



#24 purplemania202

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Posted 21 September 2016 - 11:33 AM

Finally found some like minded people. I am constantly battling through my different urges. On some days all I want to do is find bones thinspo, on some days I hate it and all I want to look at is fitspiration. Sometimes I want to be so thin that everyone notices how sick I look, on some days I want to be strong and so muscular I could lift 200 lbs. Sometimes it's even both at the same time. So I want to eat enough so I can get strong but then I lose my definition :/ when I undereat I get a nice definition but I get really weak and depressed because I'm losing gains.


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2021 Accountability                 My old accountability

 

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#25 littlemissginger

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Posted 26 November 2016 - 05:22 PM

This is like, exactly what I've been needing to read lately.
I want gains and loss at the exact same time.
I want to be thin, but also have muscles for days.

One of the things that attracted me to this site, was going down in deadlift weights last week, and not being able to generally lift anything at the same weight I have been steadily increasing since July.

Just feels like a constant battle between ana or ortho right now.

I also feel like I'm not in a "relapse" if I'm engaging in orthorexia symptoms, because hey, at least Im eating - but then I gain and that number changes and I go back to restriction...

is there a median?


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#26 Guest_Most Wanted_*

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Posted 03 December 2016 - 03:17 AM

Something like this.

#27 phanorexic

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Posted 10 December 2016 - 05:59 PM

yeah. i constantly go back and forth between wanting to be super fit and reaching my goal weight.


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*no scale atm*

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tumblr_m5jqv6uRuD1qb1380.gif5'9"//175cmtumblr_m5jqv6uRuD1qb1380.gif

current fast: ~kill me~

1 lb of Body Fat = 2,843 - 3,752 kilocalories,

Alcohol: 1 gram = 7 kilocalories;  Fat: 1 gram = 9 kilocalories,

Protein: 1 gram = 4 kilocalories; Carbohydrates: 1 gram = 4 kilocalories,

nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/Healthyweightcalculator.aspx

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it's not a fucking milkshake you ignorant slut.


#28 thicksweaters

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Posted 10 December 2016 - 06:08 PM

i feel the exact same way. i go from fasting one day because i feel fat to frantically weight-lifting and eating a ton of nuts the next. it sucks.

 

the grass is always greener on the other side, am i right?


please help me


~ kind of recovering or something ~

 

height: 5'8" CW: <112 BMI: <17

HW: >143 LW: <106 UGW: recovery


#29 falling.from.grace

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Posted 06 January 2017 - 07:04 PM

I've just recently come back to this site because I knew I was relapsing but I've been so focused on building up my strength and fitness and eating lean protein that I didn't know this was a thing. Thank you :) 


Australian // 22 years old // Non-Binary (They/Them) // Eating disordered for 6+ years
 

Height: 160cm / 5'3''

HW: 61kg / 134.5lb (BMI 23.8)

LW: 41kg / 90.4lb (BMI 16)

CW: 46.5kg / 102.5lb (BMI 18.2) (Last Updated April 28th)

Current Weight Goal: Maintaining between 44.5-46.5kg (98.1-102.5lb / BMI 17.4-18.2)

UGW: 40kg (88.2lb / BMI 15.6)

 

Diagnosed AN (BP Subtype), BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, GAD, PTSD

 

Accountability

 

117771553.png


#30 Gunny

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Posted 07 January 2017 - 04:11 AM

The struggle is real. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
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#31 Cells

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Posted 13 January 2017 - 04:38 AM

this is me



#32 Fitfat

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Posted 14 January 2017 - 01:59 PM

I struggle with trying to decide whether I want to be as tiny as possible or whether I want to maintain the slightly muscular but thin physique I have right now. I need to keep the muscles if I want to keep up athletics. But sometimes the desire to just fast and restrict and lose as much as physically possible is so overwhelming that I let myself start to lose muscle. But then the urge to exercise and gain muscle comes back so I fall into obsessively eating healthy foods and only eating as many calories as I burn in a workout. 

 

Great life, isn't it? 

My life omg


_____________________________________________

Height : 1m74/5'8

HW: 66kg/145 22.9 - BMI 22

CW : 58kg/127.8 - BMI 19

LW: 50.5kg/111.3 - BMI 16.9

 

Half recovered for three years - now back in business.


#33 diglettmankey

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Posted 16 January 2017 - 02:31 AM

And then I want to go to the gym and build muscle, but then don't eat enough to do it!  Crazy.


5'6 

HW (non-pregnancy): 217 lbs after IP

LW: 115 lbs before IP

UGW: 150 lbs


#34 Thylacine

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Posted 16 January 2017 - 04:45 PM

Anorexic tendencies are making it so difficult to gain or even maintain muscle mass and muscle dysmorphia is hitting hard as a result. I'm only eating a portion of what I need to be, but I won't let myself lift while I'm under eating, but when I try to eat enough then it feels like a binge and I want to purge or have a real binge. Now, to top it off, I've been vegan for the past few months and so now the orthorexia is messing with my head. UGGGHHHH

This might sound messed up, but I really miss starving myself and overexercising. It was just so much simpler back then. Sometimes I crave those comforts, and worse lately.

I'm currently at a medically appropriate weight. I have been working out with the goal of gaining muscle mass for two years. I have primarily struggled with bulimia, if only because engaging anorexia always landed me in treatment, but bulimia has kept me semi-functional at least in appearance. People haven't been as worried since I'm not looking as sick as before.

I've had my ED for 10+ years. It started when I was overweight and binging, I started purging (bulimia), then restricting (anorexia), then rigidly structuring my intake based on insane self-contrived rules for health (orthorexa) in a misguided attempt at recovery. Since then I've been in treatment twice.

I'm trying so, so hard to move in a positive direction towards a more solid recovery... But those little voices seem so relentless. If I'm not fat, then I'm too bony, and if I'm not too soft then I'm too muscular. If I'm not eating enough then I need to eat better food but then I don't eat enough of that food and I end up binging or thinking I'm binging, etcetcetc.

 

Wow, we are very similar. I don't want to look super skinny, I want to be strong and muscular, but I hate my weight and I want to lose weight, even though I am perfectly healthy right now.


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#35 CoffeeBoness

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Posted 25 August 2017 - 10:50 AM

Just butting in here to say that I can completely relate with almost everything on this thread. It's actually so relieving when you find out you're not the only one


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#36 Guest_kaleum_*

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Posted 25 August 2017 - 01:22 PM

*Hops aboard the relate train*



#37 brego58

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 04:52 PM

Im stuck between wanting to cut and bulk constantly because of this. I don't want to have ANY fat on my body but I need so much more muscle


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Height: 5'9

SW: 170

CW: 164  158

BMI: 24.2 23.2

Weight lost: 12lbs

 

HW: 172

GW1: 157

GW2: 150
UGW: ?????


#38 Guest_cheerleader1308_*

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Posted 23 November 2017 - 03:48 PM

Hey guys so I'm new here. Being an allstar cheerleader with muscle dysmorphia is a real struggle for me and it makes me feel so much better that I'm not alone.

 

I find myself torn between the ideal of matchstick thin or so lean and muscular that I look really shredded. 

 

Has anyone got any tips to get over the anxiety of looking at the calories on the days where I'm freaking out a little? Literally feel like I'm going to have a heart attack somedays...  <_<



#39 sblsg

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Posted 29 January 2018 - 06:41 PM

Those are my 3 best friends and worst enemies LOL



#40 Againregain

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 09:01 AM

I have lean muscle mass, a defined, muscular body, but I look at it in the mirror and it looks so big to me sometimes. I don't want to lose the muscle, I've worked hard to get here, but sometimes it is damned hard to eat protein that I need. My biceps are 11 inches, which is huge to me. My calves are 14 inches, which is just sometimes difficult for me to live with. My thighs are 19 inches, I hate them the most. I restrict carbs, but find it hard to eat enough good fat. 

My binges are protein based, mostly smoked fish and cheese. 




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