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Internal battle: anorexia vs. muscle dysmorphia vs. orthorexia


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#41 Rasta Claus

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 06:56 PM

M E

 

I want to build tons and tons of muscle because i look flabby and gross and weak but i can't stand to see the scale go up and it would mean I'd have to eat more too.


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20 | 5'4" | 113.6 lbs

sw & hw: 143 lbs (11.8.18)

 

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#42 Guest_MightytheWillow_*

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Posted 12 October 2018 - 01:56 PM

Hell, I’m in the same situation as you. I used to be an emaciated anorexic, and then I recovered to a medically healthy weight and developed muscular definition. I’ve had an eating disorder for six years (beginning when I was 13), but I no longer starve myself and am instead hyper-focused on eating abundant protein and lifting weights. Lately I’ve been feeling indifferent towards my current lifestyle (orthorexia and muscle dysmorphia), and am tempted to go back to my anorexic ways. Like you, I miss the days when I didn’t feel obligated to lift at the gym or eat so much meat and other proteins every day. I miss wanting to go outside and run each day without worry and not fretting over not getting enough calories. In fact, I overate MUCH LESS back then, and whenever I did, I compensated for it better than I do now. But I’ve actually gotten positive feedback from family and others on how I’ve changed for the better, and if I suddenly revert to my old ways, that might upset them. Plus, I’ve gotten attached to my muscle, and I’m afraid to lose what I’ve worked so hard to achieve. My family tells me to continue gaining, especially my dad, who wants me to be buff and get stronger than him. I don’t want to be buff, I’m still thin and it’s not too late for me to go back. I’m torn between anorexia and ortho/MD and it feels like shit. I don’t know what to do!

#43 crimsonraider

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Posted 31 October 2018 - 10:34 AM

I swing constantly between wanting to be more muscly (I used to be a rock climber) and wanting to be literally skin and bones. Because of this I end up not managing to reach either because one ends up sabotaging the other. At the moment I just want to be tiny though.


i just want to disappear

 

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#44 Jayme

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Posted 12 March 2019 - 04:18 PM

So glad I'm not the only one


Diagnosed AN-R, MDD, dysthymia, GAD, BPD, ADHD, C-PTSD

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#45 flickerbeat

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Posted 10 August 2019 - 07:39 PM

Relate


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#46 ItsBoshyTime

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Posted 17 August 2019 - 05:37 PM

Same here... Have been losing and gaining the same 8 pounds over and over... 

I think my low testosterone makes me prone to gain more fat than muscle... Im also underweight so probably my body prioritized survival rather than gainz.

 

Gaining more fat than muscle makes me relapse and lose fat AND muscle... so im basically stuck in a cycle.


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#47 WarmNymphet

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Posted 18 August 2019 - 03:14 PM

Yep. I want to high restrict and look fit/skinny but hate the number on the scale and want results faster resulting in slower fat burning and muscle loss... I hate skinny fat but so much faster to obtain than lean an thin. Also thin thighs but strength... ugh.

"The one in your way is YOU."


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