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body/muscle dysmorphia(?) vs anorexic tendencies: the ED civil war in my mind


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#1 vivid

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Posted 08 June 2016 - 03:34 PM

lmao the title

 

BEFORE READING: I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY SORT OF OFFENSE I MAY HAVE MADE. I AM IGNORANT AND SORT OF 'NEW' (I guess) TO THE TOPIC OF MUSCLE DYSMORPHIA, IVE NEVER REALLY TALKED ABOUT IT LIKE THIS BEFORE. THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL TOPIC TO ME AND I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF ALL COMMENTS ARE POSITIVE. IF SOMETHING I HAVE WRITTEN OFFENDS ANYONE, I WILL GLADLY TAKE IT DOWN.

 

I have encountered an interesting form of body/muscle dysmorphia. I don't know what it qualifies as though, because it's not a feeling of intense need to be strong and not frail, but an intense need to have strong arms, specifically arms. BUT at the same time, my other ED, namely some sort of disordered eating with anorexic tendencies, makes me want to be utterly skin and bones everywhere else.

It's a bit of a long story, but I feel a weird compellance to have arms that are built- lean but muscled, you can see all the muscles and tendons and stuff and veins on the underside of the forearms but still LEAN. so not super duper built up. a key part of this is having a very low amount of fat on my arms (well, everywhere really), while still having muscle.
arms like in this photo (ignore the abs):
c40ffe95293fb0cc6b8881bef4e88d02.jpg
lol it's just a stock photo i think but it's a decent example for the arms i feel like i just- i dont know. i'm just terrified of always having weak forearms and just weak arms in general.

there are these twins my age who I know, and I am forever jealous of their arms ;-;

It's like my restricting tendencies are battling with my dysmorphia, and science battles with both, i guess? It's not possible to have ripped arms like that and nice abs while also having ribs and hipbones poking out a lot, and a concave stomach and stick thin legs. it's so unrealistic, but idk. also, usually females dont exactly look amazing with arms like that. it doesnt help that I already have wide shoulders due to my bone structure.
it's gotten to a point where I am terrified to do exercise because of building up the rest of my body (even cardio to burn the fat on my arms, im scared of it building leg muscle, which i already have a lot of, at least more than most people my age+height), but also feeling the harsh desire to exercise my arms until they feel like jelly.
So most of the time i just end up crying on the floor binging on desserts. not exactly a smart decision, but EDs never are. they're not even decisions.

Right now when I exercise, I mainly focus on my forearms. At least if I had decent forearms, I'd be okay with having less than amazing upper arms and I could be extremely thin everywhere else.

tl;dr
i have a 'different' type of muscle dysmorphia vs anorexic tendencies. fear of having weak arms vs fear of being too built or too fat.
what the hell.

I have no idea what the purpose of this thread was. If you've even read this far, congrats.
a pity party i guess

idk i just wanted to get my thoughts out, maybe see if anyone else relates, i guess.
*confetti*

im so nervous posting this kind of thread, bc i dont even know what i'm talking about, or whats wrong with me, or anything >.< if anyone is offended by my ignorant use of the term muscle dysmorphia, please notify me and i'll take it down.


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#2 Guest_halconera_*

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Posted 08 June 2016 - 06:22 PM

I have the exact same thing.


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#3 Guest_halconera_*

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Posted 08 June 2016 - 06:24 PM

To clarify:

 

I have a horrible fear of my arms being weak and skinny and noodle-y like 99% of the females my age. I love my strong arms...men may think they are too strong but I love being able to do pull-ups, lift my body weight easily, and I love the structure of arms like in the picture (less muscular than that guy of course): rounded shoulders, extremely visible biceps when flexing. 

 

At the same time I want a low enough body fat to see my chest bones and ribs, my collarbones and hipbones jutting. 

 

I don't want stick legs--I want shapely, thin legs. And a thigh gap (which I have, but it's not huge)

 

This is close to my ideal-- https://www.instagra...gleisberg&hl=en


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#4 vivid

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Posted 08 June 2016 - 08:20 PM

To clarify:

I have a horrible fear of my arms being weak and skinny and noodle-y like 99% of the females my age. I love my strong arms...men may think they are too strong but I love being able to do pull-ups, lift my body weight easily, and I love the structure of arms like in the picture (less muscular than that guy of course): rounded shoulders, extremely visible biceps when flexing.

At the same time I want a low enough body fat to see my chest bones and ribs, my collarbones and hipbones jutting.

I don't want stick legs--I want shapely, thin legs. And a thigh gap (which I have, but it's not huge)

This is close to my ideal-- https://www.instagra...gleisberg&hl=en


Thanks- eh we're kinda in the same position here. I want the arms and the chest bones as well. Reading this helped me feel a bit better, so thank you.

AHHH she looks amazing. I'd be good with muscled legs if they were thinner than hers though. Unrealisticness ftw yay *halfhearted fist pump*


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Posted 08 June 2016 - 08:25 PM

Thanks- eh we're kinda in the same position here. I want the arms and the chest bones as well. Reading this helped me feel a bit better, so thank you.

AHHH she looks amazing. I'd be good with muscled legs if they were thinner than hers though. Unrealisticness ftw yay *halfhearted fist pump*


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It's not impossible. Just takes a bulk and then a cut.
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Posted 09 June 2016 - 12:42 AM

I'm a little like this as well. My paranoia is more body fat. I want my body fat to be as low as possible. I'd go for a bulk/cut or lean massing thing perhaps if I could guarantee I actually was gaining muscle but in the end, too afraid of gaining fat instead of muscle. 


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#7 vivid

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Posted 09 June 2016 - 06:34 AM

I'm a little like this as well. My paranoia is more body fat. I want my body fat to be as low as possible. I'd go for a bulk/cut or lean massing thing perhaps if I could guarantee I actually was gaining muscle but in the end, too afraid of gaining fat instead of muscle.


Yeah I get that. I really want to eat more, specifically protein, to build muscle, but if I eat too much I end up feeling too uncomfortable and afraid of gaining


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#8 Cage's Mistress

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Posted 13 June 2016 - 04:37 AM

When I decided to recover, I also decided to start strength training and go on a bulk. It was hard, and I started on a cut three times during one year, which I ended when I came to my senses. I wasn't going to let the number on the scale scare me. I knew that if I wanted to gain muscle, I had to gain fat as well, and the scale was going to go up. Now, I'm pretty much over that. I have become strong, gained a lot of muscle, and not a lot of fat really.

 

Of course you're gonna gain fat when you go on a bulk, but once that muscle starts to grow and show through, you can end up looking fitter and smaller with more body fat than what you started with. Also, when you start building up your shoulders, lats and legs, you will create an illusion of a smaller waist, and that's not bullshit. In turn, that will make you look slimmer.


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Somewhat recovered and striving for fitness goals.

 

 

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#9 nononomore

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Posted 15 June 2016 - 05:40 PM

 

When I decided to recover, I also decided to start strength training and go on a bulk. It was hard, and I started on a cut three times during one year, which I ended when I came to my senses. I wasn't going to let the number on the scale scare me. I knew that if I wanted to gain muscle, I had to gain fat as well, and the scale was going to go up. Now, I'm pretty much over that. I have become strong, gained a lot of muscle, and not a lot of fat really.

 

Of course you're gonna gain fat when you go on a bulk, but once that muscle starts to grow and show through, you can end up looking fitter and smaller with more body fat than what you started with. Also, when you start building up your shoulders, lats and legs, you will create an illusion of a smaller waist, and that's not bullshit. In turn, that will make you look slimmer.

 

yes to all of this! i've been in a really similar boat. i'm really into lifting - and lifting heavy - being strong, building muscle.  and sometimes it makes me HUNGRY.  i've let things get a bit out of hand (mostly due to depression and partying and eating the wrong things) but if you up your calories a little with the right kinds of food you should be fine.  you will gain weight, but it will look good, and it won't be fat (ok, maybe a teeny teeny bit).  it's taken me a long time to accept the numbers on the scale, but now instead of feeling for my hard bones, i prod myself and can feel hard muscle instead.

 

from what i've read, if you continue to strength train while restricting, you will lose less muscle and more fat.  cardio only results in fat and muscle loss.

 

i guess i've always been battling against softness one way or another..


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#10 Bananasaurus

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Posted 15 June 2016 - 08:41 PM

I'm a little like this as well. My paranoia is more body fat. I want my body fat to be as low as possible. I'd go for a bulk/cut or lean massing thing perhaps if I could guarantee I actually was gaining muscle but in the end, too afraid of gaining fat instead of muscle.


I felt like this in the beginning, I was shit-scared to try leangains, but it actually worked. And I did the 500 calorie surplus clean bulk, you really gain mostly muscle, I'm body recomping now, to get back to 15%, I'm at 17-18% right now, I don't like Lowe than 15 because I don't want to lose the boobs.
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#11 Bananasaurus

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Posted 15 June 2016 - 08:42 PM

.... Or F-up my hormones (more than they are already).
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#12 Cage's Mistress

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Posted 22 June 2016 - 08:14 AM

I felt like this in the beginning, I was shit-scared to try leangains, but it actually worked. And I did the 500 calorie surplus clean bulk, you really gain mostly muscle, I'm body recomping now, to get back to 15%, I'm at 17-18% right now, I don't like Lowe than 15 because I don't want to lose the boobs.

 

My chest was already flat at 25% bodyfat, lol.


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#13 Bananasaurus

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Posted 22 June 2016 - 01:23 PM

My chest was already flat at 25% bodyfat, lol.


Yeah, that was kind of me in high school, then I magically grow boobs in my early 20s, thanks to finding a doctor that would actually listen to me and balancing out my hormones, I was mildly hypothyroid from the ages of 12-19, well, I fluctuated between hypo hyper and euthyroid, but then my thyroid eventually completely pooped out, but no matter how much I complained about weird symptoms nobody seem to listen until I almost passed out at work because my blood pressure was in the 70s systolic, and I wasn't restrictive or doing any ED weird stuff at the time either. But anyway, once my hormones were balanced out I got my periods back and my boobs grew.

Hormones and genetic expression are the major determinants of body fat distribution.
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#14 Cage's Mistress

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Posted 22 June 2016 - 01:36 PM

Yeah, that was kind of me in high school, then I magically grow boobs in my early 20s, thanks to finding a doctor that would actually listen to me and balancing out my hormones, I was mildly hypothyroid from the ages of 12-19, well, I fluctuated between hypo hyper and euthyroid, but then my thyroid eventually completely pooped out, but no matter how much I complained about weird symptoms nobody seem to listen until I almost passed out at work because my blood pressure was in the 70s systolic, and I wasn't restrictive or doing any ED weird stuff at the time either. But anyway, once my hormones were balanced out I got my periods back and my boobs grew.

Hormones and genetic expression are the major determinants of body fat distribution.

 

Hmm, okay. I'm in my early 20's now, and they have only gotten smaller over time (I'm guessing because of strenght training and body recompositioning). But it's weird that I don't even fit into A sized bras anymore, because my mum and my grandmother have gigantic boobs. They always have.


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#15 vare

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Posted 22 June 2016 - 07:45 PM

Literally same. I want a 24 inches waist, I also want abs and biceps and delts. I want a thigh gap but a bubble but but slim hips but big breasts but ribs sticking out and I know I'm only ever getting half of them, and that's if I get lucky.

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Posted 22 June 2016 - 10:01 PM

This is really applicable to me as I was a serious athlete for a long time, and I hold really, really lean body mass with muscles showing underneath to be my ideal sense of beauty. Like bonespo didn't do it for me but looking up emaciated distance runners... yes. Idk why. I mean they are good at what they do and are seriously underweight. So... goals? I personally think toned up arms are so attractive in girls and guys, and while I like it, I like my legs too to have muscle. I watch myself walk in front of windows because you can see all my muscle definition and I have little fat so it just looks really impressive (to me).



#17 lxhgymgirl

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Posted 02 February 2017 - 09:40 AM

I literally never even heard of this muscle dysmorphia until today and now I'm so confused. My overall goal is to have a muscular strong physique, not too masculine though. But I'm obsessed with maintaining a low body fat so it's difficult for me to build up any muscle when I'm restricting calories. I lift weights 5 times a week on average, 2 leg days, 2 upper body then the other is in areas I often neglect, like ab and chest training. Do I have muscle dysmorphia?? Ugh I don't even know what is wrong with me lol. All I know is I have a stupid desire to lose loads of weight but get muscle at the same time which is an unattainable goal, but thethought of weight gain terrifys me

Wanting to recover but struggling <3


#18 wild

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Posted 05 February 2017 - 10:59 AM

I am in the same boat...I want to gain muscle, specifically in my butt and legs to get a big bubble butt, and i want a flat stomach adn skinny waist. and i like being strong, i love exercising and weight lifting, i want to be strong, but at the same time, i have ana tendencies, i don't like gaining weight, im trying to lose weight. the exercising makes me really hungry and i eat so much especially when i lift. every time i eat alot i hate myself and feel so gross!!! lol. Idk how to balance it. Im not afraid of a little fat, i don't like the whole muscle explicitly defined, i think thats kinda gross, i like a little fat on my muscles to soften them up and make them look more feminine. I know i need to eat to make the gains i want, but i also want that tiny waist and unfortunately i have a fucking apple body type! worst type in the world. small saggy boobs :( and most of the weight i gain is upper body, goes to my tummy and face, ironically enough i once thought that maybe if i gained a little weight my boobs would get bigger...No...the only thing that got bigger was my "beer belly" i don't have a beer belly just painting a picture on how that idea turned out. UGH,
and the OTHER thing is, that when i lose weight and fast and stuff i also lose gains and i can see the muscle that i lost. This is so hard :(


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#19 lxhgymgirl

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Posted 05 February 2017 - 06:03 PM

I am in the same boat...I want to gain muscle, specifically in my butt and legs to get a big bubble butt, and i want a flat stomach adn skinny waist. and i like being strong, i love exercising and weight lifting, i want to be strong, but at the same time, i have ana tendencies, i don't like gaining weight, im trying to lose weight. the exercising makes me really hungry and i eat so much especially when i lift. every time i eat alot i hate myself and feel so gross!!! lol. Idk how to balance it. Im not afraid of a little fat, i don't like the whole muscle explicitly defined, i think thats kinda gross, i like a little fat on my muscles to soften them up and make them look more feminine. I know i need to eat to make the gains i want, but i also want that tiny waist and unfortunately i have a fucking apple body type! worst type in the world. small saggy boobs :( and most of the weight i gain is upper body, goes to my tummy and face, ironically enough i once thought that maybe if i gained a little weight my boobs would get bigger...No...the only thing that got bigger was my "beer belly" i don't have a beer belly just painting a picture on how that idea turned out. UGH,
and the OTHER thing is, that when i lose weight and fast and stuff i also lose gains and i can see the muscle that i lost. This is so hard :(

ugh I get what you mean completely! I want to build muscle on my bum and a bit on my arms and I dont want to gain any fat anywhere, then when I lose weight Im worrying that Im losing muscle and can feel myself getting weaker in the gym :(


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Wanting to recover but struggling <3


#20 catbean

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Posted 11 June 2018 - 09:37 PM

When I decided to recover, I also decided to start strength training and go on a bulk. It was hard, and I started on a cut three times during one year, which I ended when I came to my senses. I wasn't going to let the number on the scale scare me. I knew that if I wanted to gain muscle, I had to gain fat as well, and the scale was going to go up. Now, I'm pretty much over that. I have become strong, gained a lot of muscle, and not a lot of fat really.
 
Of course you're gonna gain fat when you go on a bulk, but once that muscle starts to grow and show through, you can end up looking fitter and smaller with more body fat than what you started with. Also, when you start building up your shoulders, lats and legs, you will create an illusion of a smaller waist, and that's not bullshit. In turn, that will make you look slimmer.


Yes!!! I’m currently struggling a bit with ED thoughts, but it’s weird because my ED attitude is towards food even though I know I need to eat enough to maintain the body that I’ve built and love I actually am so happy with what bulking has done for me and how incredibly strong I look and feel, but I started a cut recently and it’s like majorly throwing my brain off the battle between wanting to be strong and wanting to be frail - and worse, wanting to be both is so confusing and frustrating!


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