lmao the title
BEFORE READING: I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY SORT OF OFFENSE I MAY HAVE MADE. I AM IGNORANT AND SORT OF 'NEW' (I guess) TO THE TOPIC OF MUSCLE DYSMORPHIA, IVE NEVER REALLY TALKED ABOUT IT LIKE THIS BEFORE. THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL TOPIC TO ME AND I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF ALL COMMENTS ARE POSITIVE. IF SOMETHING I HAVE WRITTEN OFFENDS ANYONE, I WILL GLADLY TAKE IT DOWN.
I have encountered an interesting form of body/muscle dysmorphia. I don't know what it qualifies as though, because it's not a feeling of intense need to be strong and not frail, but an intense need to have strong arms, specifically arms. BUT at the same time, my other ED, namely some sort of disordered eating with anorexic tendencies, makes me want to be utterly skin and bones everywhere else.
It's a bit of a long story, but I feel a weird compellance to have arms that are built- lean but muscled, you can see all the muscles and tendons and stuff and veins on the underside of the forearms but still LEAN. so not super duper built up. a key part of this is having a very low amount of fat on my arms (well, everywhere really), while still having muscle.
arms like in this photo (ignore the abs):
lol it's just a stock photo i think but it's a decent example for the arms i feel like i just- i dont know. i'm just terrified of always having weak forearms and just weak arms in general.
there are these twins my age who I know, and I am forever jealous of their arms ;-;
It's like my restricting tendencies are battling with my dysmorphia, and science battles with both, i guess? It's not possible to have ripped arms like that and nice abs while also having ribs and hipbones poking out a lot, and a concave stomach and stick thin legs. it's so unrealistic, but idk. also, usually females dont exactly look amazing with arms like that. it doesnt help that I already have wide shoulders due to my bone structure.
it's gotten to a point where I am terrified to do exercise because of building up the rest of my body (even cardio to burn the fat on my arms, im scared of it building leg muscle, which i already have a lot of, at least more than most people my age+height), but also feeling the harsh desire to exercise my arms until they feel like jelly.
So most of the time i just end up crying on the floor binging on desserts. not exactly a smart decision, but EDs never are. they're not even decisions.
Right now when I exercise, I mainly focus on my forearms. At least if I had decent forearms, I'd be okay with having less than amazing upper arms and I could be extremely thin everywhere else.
i have a 'different' type of muscle dysmorphia vs anorexic tendencies. fear of having weak arms vs fear of being too built or too fat.
what the hell.
I have no idea what the purpose of this thread was. If you've even read this far, congrats.
a pity party i guess
idk i just wanted to get my thoughts out, maybe see if anyone else relates, i guess.
im so nervous posting this kind of thread, bc i dont even know what i'm talking about, or whats wrong with me, or anything >.< if anyone is offended by my ignorant use of the term muscle dysmorphia, please notify me and i'll take it down.